Tethered (J + P series) (9 page)

“She loves it.  She is pledging a sorority and has made lots of friends as well.”  I was not surprised by this news.   The waiter came back to take our orders.  When it was my turn, I asked for lasagna and a salad.  I took half of another piece of bread.  I heard a very loud throat clearing and a
‘
tsk
’
sound.  Everyone at the table looked at my mom who was staring at me with an appalled look on her face.  “That's enough bread for you, Porky.  Take that basket away from her!” she snipped.  My mouth dropped open.  I am shocked that she said that in front of Lisa's parents.  I felt so embarrassed and my appetite disappear
ed
.  No one at the table said a word, I was pretty sure no one knew what to do at that moment.  They just quietly changed the subject while my mom pinned me to the chair with the daggers she shot out of her eyes.  I was a heartbeat away from swearing away all food and seeing how long it would take for me to starve myself to death.  She would be happier if I was dead, no one to shame her.  I hated this life.  I excused myself to the bathroom.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.  I tried not to let the tears fall from my eyes before I made it to the bathroom.  Once I was in the stall I let them fall.  I needed them out of my body so my tear ducts were dry and I could make it through the meal without another tear shed.  Tears were like victory points to my mom; I needed her not to have them.  I didn't want my sorrow to bring her joy.  I longed for my iPod to transport me away, but I hadn't brought a purse to dinner.  Deep breaths.  In. Out. In. Out.

Once the tears stopped I checked my makeup in the mirror.  I looked splotchy but my cheeks were not salt stained.  I headed back to my seat.  My mom commented, “what did you do, run off to steal some bread from another table?” I rolled my eyes trying not to acknowledge her comment.  The waiter arrived with our food, but my appetite was gone.  This beautiful lasagna looked as repulsive as cow brains to me.  I pushed the food around and made it look like I was fascinated with the food in front of me.  Everyone enjoyed their meal except for me.  The rest of the conversation stayed lighthearted and at the end of the meal, we bid farewell.  We rode home in silence.

Sleep d
id
not come easily that night.  My stomach gurgled so loud that it was hard to lie quietly and ignore it.  I put in my ear buds to distract myself.  Focusing on the music and ignoring the churning in my belly, allowed me to finally drift off to sleep.

Chapter 17

The lighting is dim in the large hall.  Everyone is dressed in fancy gowns and black suits.  There is music playing and people dancing all about.  My parents are engaged in a deep conversation with another couple.  I look around and I do not see many children. 

I do see the large banquet table covered with every type of delicious food you could imagine.  My stomach is complaining that I have not fed it recently.  I grab a plate and load it full of cakes, cupcakes, pie, cookies, chocolates and I hide under the banquet table and feast on my treasure.  They will not find me here.  They will not take this from me.  The food is heavenly.  I am transported far away with each bite and hardly notice the footsteps approaching the table.  And then I hear “Perry, excuse me, have you seen a little girl...” I drop the plate at the sound of my mother's voice. 

I awoke in a cold sweat.  I recalled the dream I just had and decided I must be really hungry to be dreaming about sneaking food under the table at a party.   I was not sure I could starve myself thin since it was hard to ignore my stomach's noise.  I stretched and decided to see if I could find a diet to try. 

I searched my parent's desk for their file labeled “Diets”.  It had over 25 menus, food guides, and/or directions for the many fad diets they had put me on in my life.  My first diet was when I was 9.  The directions to it were worn.  The first day read:

Breakfast:

1 egg

water

½ grapefruit

Lunch

beets

tuna

water

Dinner

hotdog

cauliflower

8 oyster crackers

3 teaspoons vanilla ice cream

How did I eat that?  Was I even fat enough to need to diet at 9 years old?  I decided the food combinations were too obvious and I didn't want my parents to know I was dieting.    After paging through all of the leaflets, I realized they all had weird food combinations and would be too obvious so I decided to just eat lots of fruits and vegetables, not much else.  I closed the drawer and threw on some clothes.  I needed to eat a quick breakfast and do some Christmas shopping today.  With no car at college, I had to accomplish all my shopping today.  Christmas Eve was tomorrow and my parents had plans for the family that day.

I grabbed an orange and a small glass of milk and sat at the table to page through the ads.  I decided to buy my mom some of her favorite makeup and buy my dad his favorite cologne.  After my meal I wrote a note to my parent's to tell them I was out shopping.

The mall was crazy crowded.  I bought my dad's cologne and headed toward Sephora to get my mom's makeup.  As I looked at my watch to check the time, I bumped into a guy rounding the corner.

“Oh, so sorry, I just got a text and was...” the guy apologizing to me was a friend from high school.  He used to flirt like crazy with me.   

“Oh my God, Perry, you sexy thing!  I take back my apology.  I would gladly run into
you any day
!” and he was beaming from ear to ear.

I was shocked to see him.  I had hoped my appearance at the mall would go unnoticed by past classmates.  I also suddenly become overly conscious of how I looked.  I was not dolled up and yet here he stood, throwing the flirtations at me yet again.

“Brian, you little dog you!  Trying to get into my pants again with your quick wit?”  I winked at him.   Loved when I would dish the flirts back at him. 

“Always.  Only you doll.  When did you get into town?” he asked.

“Just a few days ago.  I head back in a week.  How about you?”

“Same.  Hey...” I watched his eyes drag down along my body.  He was so obvious it was almost ridiculously funny. “Wanna' go out this Thursday?  I'd love to catch up with you.”

Did not see that one coming.  In all our time flirting in high school, we never had alone time.  Flirting in high school with Brian happened at parties, in rooms of many people, or in high school classrooms.  I wanted to catch up with him too so the offer was tempting. 

“Why not.  Where are you taking me?”  I asked curiously.

“Downtown, my love.  Just you and me.  Pick you up at 4 on Thursday?” he asked with a devilish grin.

“Sounds great.  See you then Casanova!”  I quipped.

He chuckled, wished me a Merry Christmas, and then headed in the opposite direction.

I was a bit breathless, not expecting that interaction.  I truly thought that if I saw a classmate, it would be a catty girl...not my almost boyfriend from high school.

I finished up shopping and headed home to wrap the presents.

There were several t-shirt boxes under the tree, none were wrapped.  Once my parents told me the truth about Santa – they decided to not waste their money on wrapping presents.  I told them I felt like it was less special with just seeing white boxes under the tree, but apparently my opinion didn't matter.  I decided to wrap the presents I bought for them though.  When I finished I looked through my clothes to pick out an outfit for Christmas, and an outfit for my outing with Brian.  I shot and email off to my college friends to wish them a Merry Christmas.

To: Jen, Mags, Lauren, Gabby, Greg, Tim, Jared,  and Ian

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Miss you like crazy.

Love,

Perry

I hit send and heard the mailman pull up.  GRADES!  I ran out to the mailbox and shuffled through the Christmas card envelopes and advertisements, but there was no envelope from my college.  Phew.  That could have been a sucky Christmas present.  I went back into the house and left the mail on the kitchen island.  Back in my room I saw my computer light up, a few friends must have been online.

To: Perry

Same to you.  Hope Santa is good to you.

Greg

To: Perry

Merry Christmas.

Tim

To: Perry

Hey sweetie!  How is your break going?  Mine is fine.  It's nice seeing my family but I miss you guys and school too.  I hope you have a great Christmas.

See you soon!

Love,

Mags

Seeing their replies made me miss my friends even more.  I picked up my Chemistry book and put in my ear buds.  A few hours later my parents arrived home.  They had a car load of groceries for the upcoming week.  I helped put them away and let my mom start dinner.

“You won't believe who I saw at the mall today.” I told her.

“Was it Lisa?  I hear she is just beautiful, really keeping her weight down and has a cute haircut.”  I was wondering how this had turned into a comparison conversation suddenly.

“Nope, Brian.  From High School, do you remember him?  He wants to take me downtown Thursday.” I said.

“Why?” she asked in a perplexed voice, and then corrected herself, “I mean, oh really.”

“Nevermind.” I muttered.

The rest of the evening was uneventful.  I was looking forward to getting my Christmas presents and felt the anticipation of not knowing what I would get excite me.  Christmas had been historically disappointing for me.  I was told every year to make a list of what I wanted for Christmas.  I would comb through newspaper ads and catalogs and compose a list of toys and items I would love to receive.  Every year I would race down the stairs on Christmas morning, excited for what was inside the wrapped boxes.  Unfortunately, my presents would be 95% clothes and 5% toys.  And the toys were almost never anything I put on my wish list.  I would then ponder whether I had behaved badly enough that I did not deserve the items on my wish list.  The next year I would try to be extra good.  I would compose my list, and again get 95% clothes and 5% unwanted toys.  Christmas became less exciting until I was old enough to care more about clothes than toys presents.

I hoped there might be a cute outfit for me in one of those white boxes, one I could wear on Thursday with Brian.  My clothes were getting so beat up from the old washers and dryers at school.  They looked quite ratty and I could use some replacements.

We went to church that night and I let the carols I have heard every Christmas be the soundtrack for the night.  It was peaceful, and it was tradition.  Before leaving I said a silent prayer for a good report card, a little divine help wouldn't hurt.

When we got home, I changed into my PJs, got ready for bed and checked my email.

To: Perry

Merry Christmas.

Jared

To: Perry

Merry Nerd-mas!  Ha!  Just kidding.  I am so happy to be home.  Tons of yummy food, clean clothes, and PRESENTS in the AM!!! 

Love you!

Jen

Lucky duck.  I shut the computer down and drifted asleep.

At 8AM I smelled coffee and heard some bowls and spoons clinking in the kitchen.  I stumbled out of bed and headed toward the noise.  My parents were finishing their cereal and drinking their coffee.

“Hey kiddo, ready to open some presents?” my dad asked.

“Sure.”

My parents sat on the couch drinking their beverages and I passed out my presents.  They both were pleased with my gift selection for them.

“Oh, I love it.  Thank you!” they exclaimed.

Then my mom placed a pile of boxes in front of me.  I opened the top one and joked that everyone would be getting wrapping paper from me next Thanksgiving.  We needed to put a little more effort into the presentation of presents around here.  The first present was a t-shirt.  It was dark purple and looked a little fancier than a simple tee.  I held it up to see if it's something I could wear on my date, but when I unfolded it, I saw it was too small.  I checked the tag.  Indeed, it was 2 sizes too small for me.

“Um, Mom, this one probably won't fit me, not my size.” I said.

“Oh honey, that's OK – you're trying to lose weight right?  This will give you incentive.” 

I took a breath.  Maybe she grabbed the wrong size at the store and was too ashamed to admit it. “OK.”  I opened the next one.  It's a pair of jeans, in much better shape than the ones I had been wearing. “Oh, I needed new jeans so badly!  Thanks” I told her.

“You are welcome.”

I opened a few other packages containing shirts and pants.  No toys, CDs, or makeup.  I thought, “not too bad of a Christmas, I actually needed some new clothes.”  We thanked each other and I retreated to my room with my presents to try them on.  I started with the jeans and found I couldn't get them up past my thighs.  “Oh great, I guess I did put on some weight at school” I muttered.  I took them off and looked at the tag.  They were a size too small for me also.  I checked the other clothes and found EVERY SINGLE ITEM was too small for me.  I sighed in frustration.  Then I grabbed a shirt and stormed out into the kitchen.

“Mom, what size do I wear?” I quizzed her. 

“Twelve, but just barely” she remarked.

“Then WHY are all these new clothes size 10?  I have been a size 12 for a LONG time.  Why would you buy the wrong size?  Did you do it on purpose?”

“I just thought you could use some motivation with your weight loss.” she said flatly and shrugged.  She turned her attention to the dishes and did not seem sorry.

“Well, thanks for the worthless Christmas presents that I can't wear!”  I stormed off and slammed the door.  Then I grabbed all the clothes, balled them up and threw them at the door.  How did I get so damn lucky to keep getting shit on?  Maybe I was a terrible person in a past life and I am forced to pay my karmic debt by being in this family and enduring all of this.  Tears began to roll down my face.  I did not want to shed a tear over this.  Stupid weak tears wetting my face.  I wiped them away quickly.  I don't want her to know she got to me.  I hung the clothes (with the tags on) in the closet and vowed to never look at those clothes again.