Test Drive (Crossroads Book 3) (22 page)

“Don’t be like me. When I’m angry or hurt, I run. There’s nothing I want more than to know you’ll have a relationship with your siblings when I’m gone. You’re all better people than I am, and you’ll all need each other. They love you. It doesn’t matter that they were raised together. They’re your brother and your sister and they love you.”

Justin closed his eyes, a mixture of pain and hope in his chest. “I love them too,” he whispered.

“I know you do. I see it—you think you don’t belong, that you don’t have a place with them, but you do. Now sit down and tell me about Drew. I want to hear about the man you’re in love with.”

It was a truth that Justin tried to ignore. He turned, and walked back to his empty chair, and sat down. “Maybe I am. I don’t know. I can’t think about that right now.”

“You should. No matter what’s going on in your life, always make time to think about the things that make you happy.”

Justin looked over at his father, surprised at those words. “Listen to you, giving life-affirming advice all of a sudden.”

His dad laughed, husky and raspy. It was obvious how out of breath he was, so Justin made the choice to speak so he didn’t have to. “He does make me happy. I have a good time with him. He means a lot to me, and I’m not sure how that happened.”

“Most of the time, we’re not sure. People don’t plan falling in love. Maybe there’s hope there, or the possibility, but it’s not a plan.”

Maybe he was in love with Drew. Regardless, how were they supposed to make this work? “I have a life back home. I belong there.”

“Your mother will understand.”

Justin’s head snapped up at that.

“You feel guilty, even if you don’t realize it. You feel like you’d be choosing this place, these people over her, and that’s not the way it is. You aren’t me. I loved your mother, but I didn’t love her the way I should have.”

Because he’d always been in love with Joy. Justin knew that, and he thought his mom did as well.

“This isn’t the same thing,” his dad added.

Justin shook his head. He couldn’t do this. Couldn’t sort through all of these thoughts and emotions right now, so instead he did as his father asked, and he talked about something that made him happy. Someone who made him happy. “He owns a gym, did you know that? He started law school, but didn’t finish because he wanted to own a fucking gym. I like to give him shit because he eats too healthy. He’s kind to people and makes them feel at ease. He designed his own home. He’s the kind of person who’s good at everything, but he doesn’t act like he’s better than anyone else. He listens, he lives his own life, and he just wants to be happy.”

His dad nudged his arm. “He sounds like someone else I know.”

Justin wasn’t so sure about that.

They talked for a little while longer. He told his dad that Drew had traveled all over the world, that they’d gone to the beach, and how Drew had told him all about Scotland. As time went on, his father’s replies got slower, more time between them. When Justin looked over, he realized he’d fallen sleep in the middle of their conversation and his gut clenched. He wiped his eyes when he realized another tear snuck out, before he stood up. He pushed his father’s wheelchair into the house. He didn’t wake as Justin lifted his frail body from the chair and laid him in the bed.

He started to shake again. Wanted to rage. Wanted to tear the fucking world apart. It wasn’t fair, none of it, but then what in life ever was fair?

The second Joy came in, Justin said, “He’s coughing up blood.”

“I know.” She nodded.

“I have to go.” He pushed out the door and went straight for his car. His bag was in the back with his uniform for his shift tonight. Justin sped from the driveway and that’s the direction he went in. He squeezed the steering wheel too tight and his heart beat too hard the whole drive to the restaurant. He shouldn’t be there. He knew that, but he also couldn’t leave Nick in a bind at the last minute.

When he parked in the lot at the restaurant, he sat in the car, trying to catch his breath.

His dad would die soon.

He would die. This was all real.

And his dad also thought Justin was in love with Drew, and maybe he was, but was it real? Or was it just because his heart was so raw and butchered that he clung to the one thing in his life that felt good?

Justin jumped when there was a knock on the passenger window. He looked up to see Nick, and unlocked the door before Nick opened it. “Jesus Christ. You scared the shit out of me,” he said.

The man looked sad, his kind eyes sympathetic.

“Joy called Landon and he got in touch with me. She said you looked upset when you left.”

Upset? “No shit. My father is coughing up blood and he fell asleep in the middle of a conversation. He didn’t even stir when I lifted him and put him to bed. I think upset is an understatement.”

Remorse slammed into him as Nick’s eyes got even softer. He didn’t deserve for Justin to take his mood out on him. “Fuck…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I just need…”

“You need to go home. Or go to Drew. You don’t need to be here and that’s okay. You need to take care of yourself, or better yet, let Drew take care of you.”

“I have a shift. It’s my responsibility to—”

“To be okay. That’s your only responsibility. And as your friend, because I consider you that, the only thing I’m worried about here is you.”

Jesus, he liked this man. He liked all of the people he’d met here.

And he also knew Nick was right. He had no business being in the restaurant tonight. “Tomorrow I can—”

“No,” Nick told him. “You take some time. If you ever need a job again, I’ll be here for you, but working here isn’t what you need right now. And this isn’t what you want, either. Landon says you were going to school to become a paramedic.”

He hadn’t realized Landon spoke about him. His chest warmed at the thought. “Yes. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do for the longest time. I went back to school when I was almost twenty-five.”

“Bryce was the same way. It’s funny how some of us just know—like me, I always knew I would be a chef. Bryce didn’t fall in love with motorcycles until later in life, but both our loves are just as real.”

They spoke for a couple more minutes before Nick got out of the car and Justin drove away. He was losing it. He was fully aware of that fact. He drove without thinking, and when he walked into the gym and saw Drew, some of the heaviness in his soul bled out.

Drew walked over and gave him a small smile. “I have some spare time. Come work out with me.” Just by seeing him, Drew had known he wasn’t okay. He’d known that Justin needed him…and he did. He really did.

Justin smiled back, and followed Drew, the whole time knowing he was so incredibly fucked when it came to this man.

Drew looked across the hot tub at Justin. He was low in the water, his legs stretched out in front of him. His head was titled backward against the headrest, and he had his eyes closed.

One look at him showed his exhaustion—the dark circles under his eyes and the slump of his body. He’d been like that every day since he came to see Drew at Invincible, since he’d found out his dad was coughing up blood.

He was pulling away. Drew could feel it. Part of him resented Justin for it but he understood it too. He had to do whatever needed to be done to protect himself. To get through this in whatever way he could.

The only time he completely laid himself bare was when they were in bed—when Drew was inside of Justin, or Justin inside of him. He loved it when Justin took him, loved the connection he felt. It was different, being inside of someone compared to feeling someone inside of your body. He was a part of Drew in a way no one ever had been.

“We should do something. I think you need to get away.”

Justin shook his head before the last word had even left Drew’s mouth. “I don’t want to be around anyone.”

“You’re around me.”

At that, Justin opened his eyes and some of the playfulness was back in them. They were bright and smiling when he said, “I don’t want to be around anyone other than you, smart ass.” Justin closed his eyes again. “I like your house. Feels like a home.”

Drew felt like he’d just fucking conquered the world, hearing that. He was so fucking in love with this man. Felt him inside his bones. “It is a home and you know you’re always welcome here. You like me,” he teased moving closer to Justin. He didn’t stop until they were touching. He wondered if Justin remembered saying the same thing to him,
you like me,
and when he smiled, his eyes still closed, Drew knew he did.

“I know I do. We’re ridiculous.”

“So? I like it.” He wrapped his arm around Justin, and the other man let his head relax on Drew’s shoulder. The air around them was cool, but the steam of the hot tub made it feel okay. He leaned back, relaxed, and held Justin.

“Get me out of here,” Justin said after a few minutes of silence. “Take me away.”

“I thought you said you didn’t want to be around anyone other than me?” As soon as the words left his mouth, he realized what Justin meant and damned if it didn’t make him even more lost in the man.

The second he opened his mouth, he realized they really were a little ridiculous, but maybe that was the best way to be. Crazy and ridiculous. Bizarre and silly. Pretending they were traveling the world, even though it was all in their minds. “Ireland is close to Scotland. It’s a short trip. At first I was thinking Kinsale. There are a lot of shops and pubs there, but a lot of people too.”

“That’s okay.” Justin shrugged. “I can handle it for a few hours since we’re in Ireland.”

“Okay,” Drew replied. “We’ll explore Kinsale then. I’ll buy you the best Irish beers there are, and you know the Irish know their beer.”

His eyes still closed, his head still on Drew, Justin chuckled.

“We’ll leave there early and head to County Antrim, in Northern Ireland. I love hiking the Causeway Coast Trail. I’ll make you walk the Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge.”

“What’s that?” Justin asked.

“The only way to get to the island from the cliffs.”

Justin’s eyes popped open and he looked at Drew. “We have to cross a rope bridge to get to an island?”

Drew chuckled and kissed his forehead. “Yep. It’s over a chasm. The bridge swings too, but don’t worry, I’ll protect you. It’ll be worth it when we get to the island. It’s gorgeous. We’ll find a quiet spot just to take in the scenery. It’s fucking beautiful. The water is so damn blue and everything else vividly green. We can see across the water to Rathlin Island and on to Scotland.”

“This is fun, but will we be having sex on this trip?” Justin asked. “I want to fuck you in Ireland.”

Drew could handle being fucked in Ireland. “Yes, I’m getting to that. We’ll take a boat to Cape Clear Island. It’s cool listening to the locals speak. Very, traditionally Irish. We’ll stay in a room on the island and take turns fucking each other all night. Does that work for you?”

“Yeah.” Justin settled against him again. “As long as I get to go first.”

“Always have to have your way,” Drew teased him.

Justin sighed, paused. “Thank you. That was perfect. We’re meeting with hospice tomorrow.”

Drew’s gut clenched. He wished like hell Justin had told him earlier. “I’m so sorry. Do you want me to go with you?” Rod and Jacob would likely be there, so why couldn’t Drew be there for Justin?

“It’s okay. I appreciate the offer, though.”

Drew closed his eyes, wished the answer had been different.

“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

The thought was nice, but it wasn’t enough.

***

“The most important thing for you to take away from today is that hospice is here to support not only you, Larry, but to support the whole family. I want you to understand we don’t shorten a person’s life. Our goal is to help you have a higher quality of life during the time you have left. Medication to relieve pain is only part of what we do. There are many techniques we’ll use to keep you as comfortable as possible.”

Justin listened to the woman speak, but he couldn’t look at her. It was too hard to look at her. He wanted to be angry with the woman, wanted to blame her as though she was the one ending his father’s life, even though his brain knew that wasn’t the case. She was helping them give him something they couldn’t give him themselves.

“Thank you,” Joy told her.

“How do we do this? We’ll be taking care of him, correct?” Shanen asked.

“We want every family member to be as involved as you feel comfortable with. We won’t push any of you away, or ask you to do anything you don’t want to do. Sometimes we’ll be in the background supporting you, and other times you’ll need us to take over. Remember that it’s just as important to take care of yourself—both physically and emotionally—as it is to take care of Larry. From here on out, we’ll be working together as a team. Contact me with any questions or concerns. We’ll adjust his care plan as often as necessary.” She had a kind voice, Justin thought. He should attempt to make eye contact with her. To speak to her, but he didn’t. Instead he listened.

They spoke about what would happen now, levels of care and how things would move forward—his father was quiet. Justin was quiet. Landon was quiet. There were a few questions here and there from Shanen, Joy, Rod, and Jacob as they went over everything they needed to know about in-home hospice care.

Justin forced his eyes up. They found his father’s and…he smiled, shrugged, and nodded toward Landon.

Landon shrugged too, and in that moment, it felt like the three of them were on the same wavelength. They were alike, he thought. Not in every way, but in some…and he wanted that. Liked it.

The people in this room would experience something life changing with him. No matter how hard it was, no matter how much they didn’t want to do it, they didn’t have a choice. Regardless of how well they knew each other, and what had happened in their lives, they were family.

His dad slept more every day. His pain continued to increase and the more it did, the more pain medication the hospice nurse would give him, which then made him sleep even more.