Teaching Kids to Think (8 page)

One mother shared that she “celebrates” mistakes. She said that when her children make a mistake, she asks them what they learned from it. If they realize the child made a learning mistake and he comes up with a solution for doing it differently next time, he gets ice cream to celebrate.

—Dr. Darlene

Hovering Parents Impact Decision Making in Children

I ran into a friend at the gym and we began talking about our sons, who are the same age. She said, “He wants to ride his bike here (about four blocks) to the gym by himself for his swimming lesson and I don't want him to.” When I asked why not, she said that she didn't know, “something” could happen. When I asked what, she said there was nothing specific. This is a great example of a parent who limits a child because she can't predict or control all the scenarios.

—Dr. Darlene

Great parents tell us all the time that they are afraid to let their children do things on their own. The belief is that the world is a scary place and bad things might happen to them, but if we fail to let our children out of our sight, how can they begin to make decisions by themselves? This phenomenon is known as “hovering,” or “helicopter parenting,” and it means being unnecessarily overcontrolling or overprotective.
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Some parents go so far as to clear the way for their children, making sure they don't have to deal with any unexpected or unpleasant challenges; these parents are sometimes called “snowplow parents.”
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This overinvolvement by parents limits problem-solving practice in their children.

Far fewer children walk to and from school by themselves now compared to past generations. It is less common for children to ride their bikes to the local market for a snack, and you rarely see a group of children at a park playing without their parents' supervision. According to the National Center for Safe Routes to School, nearly 50 percent of children walked or rode a bike to school in 1969; today, that number is closer to 13 percent.
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Modern parents cite traffic and weather concerns, as well as crime, as major barriers to letting their children walk and ride bicycles in the neighborhood. While each parent needs to decide whether her neighborhood is safe for her child, it is important to be aware of the opportunities for development that are missed by children not having these experiences.

Beginning in the toddler years, much of the child's learning is derived from experience. Children learn from the consequences of their actions, both positive and negative. If they don't eat their dinner, they don't get dessert. If they take a toy from another child, they get a time-out. If they are cooperative with their peers, they make friends. Those experiences are a necessary part of early childhood.

As they get older, the opportunities to learn from these types of important experiences should increase—but today's kids aren't being given these chances. Think about the chances to solve problems every day that occurred when children walked home from school without parents. A child's parents want him to learn responsibility by allowing him to walk by himself and be home by an established time. His parents say that if he is late coming home, he will not be allowed to walk home alone again for a month. On the way home, he sees his friends playing a game of tag and wants to join them. Does he keep walking because his parents won't let him walk alone again for a month if he is late? Does he stop and play tag, walk at the same pace, and get home late? Or does he stop and play tag for a few minutes and then run home so he won't be late? This is an opportunity for the child to practice using judgment to make a decision. It also offers him the opportunity to make a mistake by choosing to stay late and losing the privilege of walking home alone for a month. He will learn whether his decision was wise based on the outcome. That outcome will then guide future decisions. Whether it is walking home from school alone, organizing playtime without parents involved, or being responsible for chores without reminders, kids in this generation have fewer opportunities to practice using judgment. When parents are involved in every aspect of their children's lives, children miss these invaluable experiences.

Developmentally, elementary school children are ready to take on responsibility and learn from the positive and negative consequences of their choices. It is very appropriate for children to want increased independence beginning in elementary school, because their brains are ready to practice the decision making that goes along with increased responsibility. By not respecting this or not offering opportunities to practice this need, children are missing an essential opportunity to develop the skills necessary for productive adult lives.

Every situation is different, and each parent will need to decide what is appropriate and safe for his or her child, but it is important to recognize what teaching moments are being missed with the children of this generation. We don't expect that this book will change the culture we live in—after all, the personal safety of our children is of the utmost importance. However, we understand the importance of the opportunities for development that are currently being sacrificed, and we can identify some new ways to fill these gaps. If walking home from school is not an option, then another opportunity to practice independent decision making needs to be identified. To build this independence, your children can do the following activities:

How Overscheduling Prevents Skill Development

The parents we encounter every day in our practices are caring, conscientious, and thoughtful. They want to protect their children from negative experiences and to provide all the resources available for them to be happy. These are admirable qualities. The challenge is knowing how much is enough, and how much is too much, particularly as this relates to the child's social life. Most parents know when their kids' schedules are too full, but there is a lot of pressure on parents to make sure their kids don't miss out. As we discussed in the beginning of this chapter, this is part of the pressure trap that compels parents to feel as if they must do everything right. The combination of the pressure to keep kids ahead of the pack and the abundance of programs available makes it so difficult to resist the pull to overschedule them.

We frequently see two consequences to the overscheduled phenomenon. First, children and teens regularly communicate to us that they are stressed out and need time off. They very often say that there are too many activities in their schedule and that they have no time to “just veg out.” They tell us that whenever they are trying to relax, their parents ask them about whether they should be doing homework or practicing music or a sport instead. This makes them feel guilty or defensive, which defeats the purpose of having some time off.

The second consequence of being overscheduled is that many kids and teens do not learn how to fill time on their own, so they expect their parents to continuously structure their schedule. If there is a day with some unstructured time, they bombard their parents with questions about what they will do that day. They tend to talk about being bored but have few ideas for how to entertain themselves. Their parents describe the children as needing their attention all the time.

Now, there are some children who do not like to have downtime. They prefer to be busy and keep a full schedule of activities. It wouldn't be a problem if they filled their time themselves; it is the dependence on adults to structure their time for them that is not adaptive. What many parents don't realize is the essential and valuable experiences children get when they have unstructured time to themselves. When adults provide the structure for their schedule, children have no need to make decisions about how to plan their day, solve a problem, manage their time, prioritize activities, and so on. Furthermore, when adults are there to guide their daily activities, it takes away the opportunity for children to make the mistake of poorly managing their time and, therefore, their opportunity to figure out a solution and learn from it. They also learn to tolerate unexpected changes in their plans, which is an invaluable lesson. They may have an idea about what they want to do with that time, but many times it won't go exactly as planned. That requires flexibility, problem solving, and tolerance. When kids are overscheduled, they miss out on those valuable experiences.

As psychologists, we have never worked with a young adult who was struggling because he or she didn't play enough sports, learn enough musical pieces, or speak enough languages. However, we have worked with many who never learned how to tolerate unexpected challenges, develop the confidence to solve problems on their own, or communicate with people they disagree with. Their parents wonder why they are not taking on more responsibility and being more independent. The answer is simple: they never learned how.

Remember the Process, Not Just the Outcome

The trend of child rearing is moving away from a focus on problem solving and, instead, toward an emphasis on the end product or outcome. Today's parents often tell their kids it is OK to make mistakes and then protect them from making them. They also tell their kids that effort is important and that they should try things before making a decision. Yet when parents hear what other kids are doing, they emphasize extracurricular activities their children “should” do and how they “should” perform. Most parents intend to support their children in doing things they enjoy and trying new things, whether or not they are performing at high levels. However, the culture of this generation is to emphasize objective achievement. Therefore, kids hear praise for the strongest reader in the class, the highest grade point averages, or for acceptance to an elite sports team or college.

Statements about objective measures, such as GPA, all-star team membership, reading level, and so on, focus on the end product or the outcome, not the process used to reach the goals, including praise and admiration for independently addressing the mistakes they made along the way. They are also not about the decision making and problem solving that is required to meet the goals. In theory, parents' desires are about the process, but their words and actions often center on the product. Kids of this generation hear these messages. As a parent, keep in mind that the process of working toward a goal is important because it teaches children the skills needed to become confident, independent, and thoughtful adults. It is important that children learn that overcoming the mistakes they make along the way to their goal is just as important as achieving the goal.