“So you’re not interesting in Chris?”
I gave him a reassuring smile. “No, definitely not. I’m sorry I didn’t mention him to you.”
“When did you guys become friends?”
“During the month we were apart.”
“Oh.” I heard the jealousy in his voice and I knew I owed him an explanation.
“So ever since Chris and I broke up, he had been trying to reach out to me to apologize for hurting me. We were together for four years, but I think deep down we both knew we were in a dead-end relationship. But instead of breaking up with me, he took the easy way out and cheated on me, hoping that I would find out and break up with him.”
“What an asshole.” Damian clenched his fists.
I rolled my eyes. “Would you have done it differently?” I teased.
“Yes. I can be a jerk to women, but I’m always straightforward with them.”
I thought about it and smiled. Damian was right. He was not shy about voicing his opinion about things, and that was one thing I loved about him.
“Anyway, I had ignored Chris’s emails and texts in the beginning. But when you and I broke up for that month, I was heartbroken and lonely, and I needed someone to talk to. So we started talking on the phone and I confided in him about what had happened between us. He was there for me and listened to me cry over you.”
“I’m sorry that I keep hurting you.” His face twisted in agony as he bowed his head.
“Just don’t do it again,” I teased as I lightly hit his chest.
“I promise.” He leaned down and kissed me gently on the forehead. “I hate myself for causing you any pain.”
I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into his warm hard chest. We held each other in silence for a long time, and I felt my body relax inside his embrace.
“Alex?”
“Yes?”
“Are are you pregnant?” There wasn’t any fear or anger in his voice. All I could hear was the concern he had for me.
I nodded against his chest as fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. “I am,” I whispered.
His hugged me tighter. “Are we going to have a baby?” he asked softly.
I smiled up at him and saw the love in his eyes. “Do you want that?”
“I want whatever makes you happy.”
My vision was partially blinded by my tears, but I could still see the sincerity of his words in his eyes. “Yes, I want to keep
our
baby.”
I watched him inhale deeply as he took in the news. “Why did you keep it from me?”
I gave him a meek smile. “Well, to be honest, I was scared. I mean, it’s you, Damian.”
“What’s what suppose to mean?” He cocked his head and frowned.
I smiled. “Well, I guess you’re the last guy I’d think pregnancy would be something they’d want to hear.”
He chuckled. “Well with any other woman, that might be true. But it’s you, Alex. It’s
us
. You know how crazy I am about you. You know how much I’ve changed because of you. I just wish you’d had more faith in me instead of confiding in your ex-boyfriend.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I told Chris not because I didn’t have faith in you or us. I think I just needed a guy’s opinion who wasn’t in this relationship. I was scared about how things would change between us once you knew. I was scared you’d leave me.”
“Alex. Come on. Give me some credit here. How could you think I’d leave you just because you’re pregnant?” I saw the indignation on his face and felt guiltier than ever.
“Well, there’s something else I need to tell you.”
I felt his body tense around me and knew he could tell from the tone in my voice that it was serious.
“What is it?” He looked down at me, his face twisting with worry as he braced himself for the news.
“When I went to get a pregnancy test, I went for an annual exam as well.” I paused and sucked in a deep breath through my mouth. I looked up at him and fought back the tears before continuing. “They found something in my breasts.” Tears ran down my face. “It’s cancer.”
The second my last word left my mouth, the air between us
became dense and I saw the utter shock in his face.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Damian
I felt a lump in my throat and found it hard to breathe as everything sank in.
Cancer.
I was mad at her this entire time and she had cancer. I’m the worst fucking person in the world.
Alexis looked at me intently, her hands rubbing together nervously as she waited for me to say something. I pulled her toward me and wrapped my arms around her.
“Alex, I’m so sorry baby.” I held her tight inside my embrace, not wanting to ever let her go.
Her body shook against my chest as she began to sob violently. “I should have told you sooner,” she whispered.
“I’ve been such an asshole. I can’t believe I’ve been upset with you when you were going through all this. It’s my fault that you didn’t feel like you could tell me. How long have you known?”
“Damian.” Alexis let out a soft giggle through her sobs “You’re holding on to me too tightly. I can hardly breathe.”
“Oh shit. Sorry!” I loosened my arms around her. “Come on. Let’s go sit down and talk about this.”
We sat down next to each other around the dining room table. I felt a heaviness in my chest as I watched her somber expression. I wiped the tears from her cheeks and brushed aside the loose strands of hair from her face. It wasn’t until now that I’d noticed the dark circles under her eyes, her pale complexion, and the fear that had become a permanent expression on her face. I wondered how long she’d looked like this and I hadn’t noticed.
Have I been so self-absorbed and preoccupied about myself that I didn’t notice until now?
I held her hands between my palms and looked at her. “Take your time and tell me everything. Are they certain it’s cancer?”
She looked downcast as she nodded slowly. “Yeah. After they noticed a lump on my right breast during my annual exam, they did a biopsy. I got it done right before our trip to Italy. The results came back last week, and… They’re certain.”
My chest tightened when I saw the tears streaming down her cheeks.
I was at a loss for words. I’d never been someone who was comfortable talking about anything that went beyond superficial things, let alone something as serious as what Alexis was facing.
She’s pregnant with our child and she has breast cancer. How did this happen?
“How serious is it? What are you planning on doing?” I rubbed her hands and tried to soothe her.
“The doctor said that the good news is that they discovered the tumor early.”
“Baby, that’s great! So you’ll be okay,” I reassured her—and myself. I watched her carefully, trying to figure out from her reactions what were the right words to say.
She nodded and avoided my gaze.
“Alex, what’s wrong? Will the baby be okay?” I held my breath, knowing that there was something else she hadn’t told me.
She gave me a small reassuring smile. “The doctor said that the baby should be fine. The breast cancer shouldn’t harm the baby.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God.”
I waited for her to continue, but she remained silent.
“So…will you be okay?” My stomach churned as I waited for her to respond.
“The doctor said that there are still some risks involved, but if they remove the tumor cells right away and I go on the proper treatment, our baby and I can go on and live healthy lives.”
My muscles relaxed at this news and I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. “That’s wonderful news, babe!”
“But…” She looked up at me, and at seeing the anxiety in her eyes, my muscles instantly tensed back up. “I need to get a mastectomy on my right breast right away.”
“Mastectomy?”
She glanced at the ceiling, and I could see the tears well up in her eyes. “It means they’re going to remove my entire right breast.” Her voice cracked as she finished her sentence.
“Oh.” I stared at her in shock.
She’s losing her right breast? But I love that breast
, I automatically thought. I closed my eyes and felt ashamed at myself for being so superficial at a time like this. “Alex, you’ll
always
be beautiful to me. I’m just glad you’ll be okay and healthy.”
She looked up at me in surprise and wiped away the tears on her face. “Really? I know you love my breasts. You’re really okay with this?”
It was then that I realized why Alexis had been so afraid to tell me about the cancer. I sighed and shook my head. “Alex, come on. Give me some credit. I know that when you met me I was kinda a man-whore.”
“Just kinda?” she snorted.
I laughed. “Okay, you got me. I was a complete man-whore. And I know that I hurt you because I was all about the physical things and you wanted more from me. And frankly, baby, you deserve more. And if I didn’t care about you so much, I would admit to myself that you deserve a whole lot better than me and what I can give you. But I’m fucking selfish, and I want you and
need
you in my life. And you know? Until now, I was that guy who’d slept with more girls than I can count. I’d slept with more girls more often than—”
“Okay, I get the picture,” Alexis interrupted me.
I saw the impatient look on her face and realized I was rambling. “Oops. Too much? Sorry,” I said sheepishly. It was hard to not boast about my conquests, and I knew this was the last moment I should be doing that.
Alexis rolled her eyes. To my surprise, she didn’t seem angry and she didn’t seem to be readying her hand to slap me.
God, she’s fucking awesome and cool like that. I fucking love her.
“Sorry. My point is—I do have a point—when I met you, something changed. I stopped checking out women who would order a drink from me and flirt with me. I stopped thinking about other women. I even stopped rating women when I saw them. When I met you, I realized there was something more beautiful than the physical appearance of a woman. Yes, I do love your breasts, but I love
you
more.”
Tears streamed down her face again, but this time, they were tears of relief instead of sadness.
Then a thought crossed my mind.
“Plus, they can do breast reconstruction, like a boob job. We could even go a size or two larger if we want.”
“We?” Alexis gave me a dumbfounded stare. “Since when did you decide you wanted breast reconstruction? And what’s wrong with the size of my breasts?”
“Shit, I’m sorry.” I realized my words had come out wrong, and instead of being helpful, I had made her feel worse. “I’m not good with expressing myself. That’s not what I meant. What I’m trying to say is… We can figure this out. As long as you and our baby are going to be okay and healthy, we can get through everything else.”
I gently moved my hand down the side of her face and dried the tears from her cheek.
“It’s okay,” she said softly. “I know you didn’t mean it to hurt me. I’ve been having some crazy mood swings lately.” She sighed. “I do plan to get breast reconstruction on my right breast, but not until after the baby is born. The doctor said reconstruction during pregnancy could endanger the baby.”
There was a long silence between us as we looked at each other. As I gazed into her eyes, I realized how much I’d come to love her. The idea of losing her was now real, and that thought was unbearable.
“Are you okay with all this? Is there anything I can do?” I felt helpless in this situation. I was supposed to be the one person she could depend on to be there for her and help her through her problems, but at this very moment, I was useless.
“Just hold me, Damian. Just tell me things will be alright.” Her eyes were bloodshot as she tried to hold back another onslaught of tears.
I got up from the chair, pulling her up with me, and held her. “I’m here for you, Alex. Things will be okay. Cry as much as you want. I’m here,” I whispered. I kissed her head and brushed aside her hair from her face.
“Damian, I’m terrified.” Her voice shook as she looked up at me and I saw the fear in her eyes.
“It’ll be okay.
You’ll
be okay.” I tried my best to reassure her while, on the inside, I’d never been so scared. But I knew I needed to keep it together for her. I needed to be strong for her—and for our baby.
“Damian, I could di—”
“No, don’t even think about it. You’ll be fine,” I insisted.
She shook her head and frowned. “I’m not concerned for myself. I’m terrified for our unborn child.” She broke into a sob at the last word. “I lost my parents when I was thirteen and I’ve always felt like I was robbed of a huge part of my life because I didn’t have my parents around to watch me grow up, go to prom, graduate high school, or go to college. What if… What if I’m not around to see our baby grow up? I’m terrified that I’m going to rob our child of a life without a mother there to help him or her through life. I—”
“Alex, stop torturing yourself like this. We should be optimistic. I trust the doctors. I believe we’re going to have a healthy baby, and you’re going to get through this and live a long and healthy life with me.” I kissed her forehead. “You’ll going to be a great mother, and you and I are going to be around for all of our child’s important moments.”
I fought back the surge of emotion that hit me hard inside my chest. She was right. She could die and I could lose her. I couldn’t understand why, but I knew I couldn’t live without her. In the months we’d been together, I’d grown attached to her. I’d grown attached to the way she made me feel when I was with her.
You are the butter to my bread and the breath to my life.
The quote from the movie
Julie and Julia
—the movie Alexis and I had watched on one of our first dates—popped into my head. It wasn’t until now that I finally understood what that meant.