Sweetest Torture (Sweetest Kill Book 2) (9 page)

Ryan is good to Lex though. He showers her with gifts. He
sits with us and watches movies. He helped us build the nursery. He is the
baby’s uncle, he even buys boxes of diapers and onesies when he is out. I think
he does it for a reason to randomly drop by.

But never does he talk about his brother.

I don’t know if he does it for Dean, or if he does it for
me. Alexis says that he is angry with his brother. But she doesn’t say much
more than that. I can always tell that she wants to though. She’s angry at Dean
for leaving me alone. I am too, but we are all more upset to find that Stella
is with him, and he hasn’t made contact since the last day I saw him at the
hotel.

***     

I go into labor when I am 38 weeks. It’s mid-June, hotter
than hell outside and I am cranky.

I am yelling at the guy Ryan hired to mow my lawn. Ryan and
Alexis are sitting outside drinking ice tea and trying to get me to calm down.
Laughing at me, which only makes me laugh in return and then I get angry at the
guy for laughing as well.

My water breaks in the middle of me telling the poor
teenager that if he didn’t start picking up the left over grass I was going to
shove it down his throat. I might have been a bit hormonal.

The tears that run down my face as soon as I realize what is
happening is too much for Ryan.

I am crying to Alexis about having to do this alone. When he
starts swearing and calling his brother an asshole among other choice names. He
starts pacing the room saying something about Stella needing to solve her own
damn problems. I want to ask him what he means by that, but suddenly a strong
contraction hits.

“Ow, shit Lex this really hurts.”

She holds my hand while we lay on the couch, waiting for the
contractions to come closer together. When they do, we grab my hospital bag and
go. Calling mom on our way.

Once we are in the hospital room, mom is wiping down my
forehead with a cool cloth and Alexis is holding my hand. Ryan is sitting in a
chair. He’s not staying in here while I give birth, but his support until the
action starts really means a lot.

I have a range of emotions. The first one being despair.

“I don’t want to do this. He should be here. I need him to
be here.”

Ryan has a hard time with that one. He leaves shortly after.

I have a moment of humor, after I am given the epidural and
can no longer feel the agony of a small human being ripping apart my insides.

And then I have anger. Anger that I am giving birth to a
baby without his father. Anger that he didn’t call. This happens after a
delivery of 3 dozen white roses, each bouquet has a single blue flower in the
center with a red one beside it. A card reads

 
I love you. -D

I ask the nurse to take them away.

But the moment the doctor places my baby boy in my arms. The
anger dissipates. All I feel is an intense love, one I never experienced in my
life. A fighting, living breathing love that I cannot fully describe. All for
my son.

And I make a promise to myself as the tears of joy fall, one
tear landing on the cheek of the most perfect human being I have ever laid eyes
on.

A promise for the both of us.

I will forgive Dean. And then I will forget him. Because in
this moment I realize, my anger will do me no good. We will be happy. Today I
am so, very happy.

The nurse is giving me weird looks.
My mom and I look at one another and start laughing.

“Are you sure you want him to have
three
middle names?” She asks

Alexis pipes in before I have a
chance “Liv, maybe we should go with four like we talked about originally.”

The nurse huffs and walks out of
our room. Taking my sons’ birth certificate with her.

Landon Adam Jaxon Ryan
Taylor

My son will have the middle name of
the 3 men who mean the most to me.

Ryan doesn’t blink an eye when I
decide to not name my son after his father.

I realize when Ryan holds Landon
for the first time that he too is hurt his brother hasn’t made contact. He is
upset for Landon, he is upset for me but he’s also upset for himself.

Ryan and Dean haven’t always been
close. Ryan was older, Dean was the product of an affair between Matthew and
Dean’s mom Shelly. Shelly had no idea that Matthew was a crime lord. When she
found out, she was already 6 months pregnant. She took Dean and ran back home
to her parents in Maine.

10 years passed. Red could not find
her. His business was booming, so part of me thinks he didn’t really look, but
one day he located her and dragged her and his son back to California.

Dean was raised by his mother, but
Red had a say in everything. He was taken out of public school and placed in
private school with Ryan. The boys spent their evenings learning to become mob
leaders and hit men as opposed to playing baseball and chasing girls.

Ryan never had an issue with his
brother. They were instant best friends. When Matthew gave the go ahead to have
Dean’s mother sold as a slave when Dean was in his early 20’s Ryan was the one
who consoled Dean. They together found a way to take Matthew down. They
together plotted their revenge against Red for being the one to sell her to the
buyer. I was the complication, but they still found a way to make it work.

So Dean just up and leaving made no
sense to Ryan. He said that he knew his brother felt obligated, whatever that
meant, to help Stella. He just didn’t think it was like him to up and leave
especially when he had a child coming into the world.

So my son is a welcomed gift, but I
can tell that his uncle is having a hard time with his nephew’s father not
being around.

So was I, but I was trying to
squash that feeling.

Two days after he was born, our
group was taking Landon home.

Josslyn hadn’t seen the baby yet.
We agreed that it would be easier for her to meet her cousin at my house. It’s
hard to keep a two year old quiet on a hospital floor filled with new born
babies.

Bringing him home however is an
anxiety fueled event.

I constantly check his car seat
before he goes in it.

I check five times to make sure his
buckles aren’t too tight once he is inside, but ensure they are just tight
enough.

He’s a tiny boy, only a little over
five pounds, so I want to make sure that he is warm enough. Mom says it’s June
so only a light blanket will do.

I make Ryan and Alexis turn the AC
to low on our drive home. Its 100 degrees today. They don’t complain once.

When we get home, I open all the
window’s to allow fresh air. Mom came by and cleaned the house and it is still
slightly fumy. Although no one claims to smell it.

I am breastfeeding so other than
diaper changes and burping, no one can really help out. But they are all there.
Ryan, Adam, Alexis and mom.

I ask Ryan how he was able to be
around so much. He told me that while he still makes the decisions. (Which
explains the 900 cell phone calls a day) he was right where he needs to be.

That meant a lot to me.

Josslyn meeting Landon for the
first time, will always be one of my most favorite life moments.

She came plowing in the house, with
Jaxon behind her telling “shh baby, he might be sleeping.” She’s all dolled up
in a party dress with a big bow in her hair.

When she sees Landon, who is
currently being held by Adam she gets super excited “Hi baby.” She says she
walks up to him slowly and rubs the fuzz on his head “sweet baby.” Her little
voice is in awe then she looks over at me “can Landon come outside and build a
castle with me Auntie Olivia?”

Everyone starts to laugh.

“Not just yet babe.” Jaxon says

She loses interest in him quickly
after that. She ends up in her old room, which is now Landon’s room until we
show her that her new room is now where my office is.

Jaxon holds Landon. He’s happy for
me, but he’s not happy that we haven’t heard from Dean. No one brings him up
though. It’s hard not to think of him. Landon has dark blonde hair, unlike my
chestnut brown. He also has piercing blue eyes that are his dad’s without a
doubt.

It is hard to look into his face
and see Dean. It’s hard for me, but it is hard for those around me who feel
that he should be here.

Mom is staying with Landon and I.
Alexis is staying with Ryan for a few days.

I enjoy moms help. Honestly I don’t
know how I would do any of it without her. I had experience with Josslyn, but
something about it being your own baby makes everything so intimidating.

She has to remind me not to wake
him up. She caught me a few time lighting pinching his leg to try and stir him
awake. Or holding my finger beneath his nose feeling for air flow to make sure
he was still breathing.

Being a first time mom is the
scariest and most amazing thing you will ever do. Nothing can describe it.

The first night home with Landon is
eventful, he wakes up every two hours. I don’t mind. I love being with him. Mom
changes him and burps him so that I can get back to sleep once he’s done
feeding.

From there on out it’s pretty easy.
I don’t need mom to get up with me after the first few nights. She sticks
around during the day and helps me clean and wash laundry, but Landon and I
have a schedule pretty quickly. It’s not set in stone of course, but he doesn’t
really keep me running too hard. I sleep when he sleeps, I eat when he is done
eating. It works.

Ryan comes barging in one Saturday
morning. His face bright red, full of anger

“He’s in town.” His voice is laced
with venom

“Who?” I laugh, sealing the bag of
expressed milk for storage

“Dean, who do you think?” He
retorts

I nearly drop the plastic bag “What
do you mean he’s in town?”

“I mean, one of my associates saw
him and Stella at the Fire Station last night. He’s in town, as in he’s here
and apparently from what I am gathering he has been for a while.”

I can’t say anything. I feel like
someone has closed off my airway. He’s here. He’s been here. Our son is nearly
a month old, and has never met his father. His father who is in the same town
at this very moment.

“Oh.” I finally manage

Ryan looks slightly calmer “what do
you mean, ‘oh’ did you hear what I said?”

“I heard you.” I zip the bag again
and then set it inside the big freezer mom bought for me when I decided I
wanted to start storing milk for emergencies.

“I don’t really care. I mean he’s
been gone for about a year now. If he cared about us. Any of us he would have
made contact. He hasn’t. It’s okay.”

Ryan walks over to me, turning me
so that he can see my face “It’s not okay Liv, he abandoned you guys, nothing
about that is okay.”

I feel the tears falling down my
cheeks. Ryan wipes them away.

“You know, even though I am older,
I have always thought my brother was some kind of super hero. When we were kids
he fought all the bullies. He fought all this shit my dad threw at him. He
saved my life more times than I can count, there is a reason he is a feared
man. He’s strong, he’s amazing at what he does. But he is the biggest fool I
have ever met. He left his girlfriend and son to help someone that he isn’t
even legally married to. He threw away his real family for nothing.”

He steps away and walks back
towards the front door. “I’m going to find him Liv, and I don’t care if you
don’t want to see him. I am going to make sure he knows that I think he is the
biggest piece of shit on the planet, because nothing is more important than the
two of you. Nothing.”

He opens the door to see Adam
standing on the other side preparing to knock.

He sees Ryan and Ryan mutters
something, but I don’t hear what he has to say. I just see Adam glance up at me
with worry and then he turns back around and follows Ryan out through the door.

Deans back? I should feel relieved,
part of me worried that he was hurt, I mean what other reason could there be
for not calling and not coming by to see his child?

He hadn’t once come by his
apartment. No one had. It had remained untouched for months since I returned. I
wouldn’t have known that it was still his technical address if Erica didn’t say
he was paid up (and left it at that) or that his mail was piling up on the
stand outside of his apartment.

I never touched any of it. I never
looked to see if there were any hints as to where he could be.
Dean’s a smart man. He knows that if people are looking for him, this would be
the first place they would look. Maybe that’s why he keeps it. Maybe it’s a
decoy house? I don’t really know.

I try not to care. I try not to
think it’s because of me.

But really how can I not?

Landon has his 6 week checkup
today.

Which means he will be having his
very first series of shots.

Mom told me I would cry. She told
me it’s hard to see them in pain, but promised me it would hurt my heart more
than it would hurt him.

He hadn’t really gained much
weight. Doctor Leland said that is perfectly normal in breast fed babies and
told me not to worry. So I don’t.

She gives me pamphlets on lead
paint in homes, co-sleeping and making sure not to smoke around my baby.

None of these apply to us, but I
take them with a smile all the same.

When Landon is finally done, and I
wipe up the majority of my tears and we head out to the waiting room to see
Adam waiting for us.

He doesn’t look very happy. In fact
he looks like he has been crying but he’s on the phone so I don’t dare to
interrupt him.

He looks up to see me holding
Landon and carrying the baby carrier at the same time. Landon wouldn’t let me
put him down.