I was afraid of a lot of things. I was afraid I wouldn't get healthy, that I'd revert. I was afraid I would always want more than one man could possibly give me. I have sex at least five days out of a week. How could one man keep up with that? Sometimes I need a pick-me-up part way through the day. How would Drew meet my needs when in court? I like it rough, sometimes. Maybe not to the extent I'd been experimenting with Kane. I'm not sure yet, I've only just discovered a dislike of the idea, it's early days. But I need a little dominance, as much as I need a cuddle afterwards, like Matt used to give. I need accessibility. I need excitement and thrills. I need affection and direction. I need it all still. And I was afraid I'd not even get a tenth of those needs.
But I was not afraid of finding happiness and actually liking it, because, honestly, I couldn't see that being even a remote possibility. I just couldn’t imagine being content with just one guy.
This was doomed to failure, I was sure. But could I walk away?
"I'm afraid of everything," I finally admitted.
He nodded, as though that made complete sense.
"Then why don't we deal with one fear at a time. Pick one, and that will be the first we tackle."
Organising my fears into any semblance of order was an impossibility. So I grasped one, perhaps thinking he wouldn't have an answer to that particular fear, and effectively ruining the chance of this arrangement working before it had even begun.
"I'm afraid you won't be there when I need you."
"Of course I will, I'm committed to helping you through this."
"No," I said, shaking my head. "That's not what I mean."
"Then what? Tell me."
I sucked in a deep breath and tried to find the words. Like with Genevieve earlier, it was harder to say them than I had thought.
"We need honesty, Kelly," Drew said softly. "I promise I'll listen and together we'll work it out."
OK. I could do this.
Long breath of air released.
"Sometimes I get horny during the day."
"Oh, OK," he murmured. "And what? You're worried you won't be able to see me?"
I nodded. And of course I was worried that I'd find that a good enough reason to look elsewhere. Old habits die hard, after all.
"I'm a text message away. Any time," he said, eventually.
"Even when you're in court?"
"Ah, court's a little harder, but sessions only last about an hour or two at the most. Judges take frequent breaks and the type of court work I do is usually brief audiences, rather than drawn out cases. Besides," he added, that crooked smirk making an appearance again, "ever shagged someone in the cloakroom at the District Court? I've always fancied a little roll in amongst the coat rack."
I smiled for the first time since he'd walked in here. A slip of laughter making its way free from my spread lips.
"So, what do you say?" he asked, softly. "One fear down, we're already on our way. How about it? You and me, and a whole lot of finding out what makes you happy in the safest possible way."
I think I really loved him in that second. Which I quickly brushed aside as a result of turbulent emotions and an exhaustion that threatened to shatter my bones. But it was there, I felt it. And for that second it felt... amazing. Light, happy, free. Fun.
"OK," I said, surprising myself and, I think, Drew right then.
I was committing to one person. Exclusively. This was a first for Kelly Quayle. I knew he was doing it as a friend, helping me in my hour of need, because he genuinely liked me. But I could pretend it was real, couldn't I?
I'd deal with reality when it came. My life was bound to throw it in my face before too long. For now, I'd enjoy the ride. A girl's gotta have some fun, after all.
"Brilliant," Drew announced, giving me a dazzling smile. "Now that that's settled. Phone him."
Ah, Spike. I guess there was no avoiding it now, and I didn't think Drew would let me get away with a private call. He wanted proof. He felt he deserved it, after all of that.
I tended to agree, strangely enough.
So, I plucked my cellphone out of my trousers and I phoned Spike. Who took it in his stride, like any muso should, and said, as expected, "Keep it real, dude," before he hung up.
And then there was only one.
Oh, fuck.
Could I actually do this?
I pocketed my cellphone after the call to Spike ended. Then my eyes slowly came up to Drew's, uncertain of what I'd see. Smugness. Self-righteous glee. Pure male satisfaction.
He looked... shocked. There was no other word for it. He looked completely and utterly astonished that I'd actually done it.
And then he was kissing me.
Wildly. Noisily. Nothing like I had seen Drew behave before. Desperately, yes. Hungrily, yes. Passionately, yes. But openly, uncontrollably, uninhibitedly? Never. But I didn't have time to second guess what I had set in motion by agreeing to this arrangement. All I could do was feel
Oh, dear freaking God he felt good.
This
felt good. Free, like I had only ever dreamed about. Exciting, more so than sneaking a quick blowjob in a darkened corner. Out of control, but surprisingly, also an adventure; something I had considered was only possible when the act was illicit. This, although our friends outside Gen's office weren't aware of our new relationship yet, was not illicit. Somehow I knew, even though we hadn't discussed it, that if Dominic were to open that door, Drew would just smile his smug smile and own it. Own this moment and what we were doing right here.
He pulled back and stared at me, his lips bruised, as no doubt mine were too. His eyes alight with exhilaration. He made a noise in the back of his throat, it seemed loud and extremely turned on. I think he was surprised it had come from him.
"Well," he finally murmured. "That proves it, doesn't it?"
"Proves what?" I unoriginally asked.
"Proves what a fucking good idea this was, don't you think?"
I huffed an amused laugh through my nose. Here was the male satisfaction and smugness.
Neither of us said a thing for a while, unable to look away, but also unwilling to make a sound and break the spell we'd created. There were a million questions streaming through my mind. How does this work? What happens next? When do we tell our friends we're an
exclusive
item? Are you as horny as me right now? And on and on, until my head started to hurt.
Finally, I decided to take the bull by the horns. Grabbing life with both fists, I suppose.
"What next?" I asked, trying for nonchalant, but aware my heart was pounding in my chest, up into my throat. "What do we do now?"
"Whatever you want to do, Kelly," Drew murmured instantly. "It's as simple as that."
Whatever I wanted to do. It was a strangely liberating statement, giving a measure of control over something that had felt, until now, well outside of my power. My life had changed completely within the space seventy-two hours. On Friday afternoon, if anyone had asked me how the next twelve months of my life would go, I would have said exactly as the past twelve months had gone.
On Friday afternoon I thought I was happy with my five guys, with flitting between each one and not looking too deeply beneath the surface of my carefree world. On Friday I had no idea that everything would get turned upside down, and that I would be the reason for the demise of my lifestyle as I knew it.
I screwed up on Friday, no two ways about it, but sitting here in Gen's office at Sweet Seduction with Drew watching me closely, soft grey eyes full of intent, I wasn't so sure that the end result of my fuck up was all that bad. Sure, I'd said goodbye to guys I really enjoyed, and one who had clearly been a bit of a mistake. But surprisingly, maybe because of Kane and how poorly that experience went, I didn't regret cutting them loose.
I wondered if I would, at some stage in the future, but looking at Drew and knowing I could decide what happens next, it didn't seem plausible.
For now, at least, I'd push any doubts aside.
"I need to help close up," I finally said, breaking our silent exchange.
"I'm sure Genevieve will understand if you just head home now. You've been injured and she won't expect you to work the rest of the day," Drew pointed out, not moving from where he still knelt between my legs.
He hadn't shifted when I made the phone call to Spike either, nor after he'd kissed me senseless.
"Yeah, you're probably right. But I want to let her know I'm OK."
"Are you OK?"
Was I? Really? "For now," I said, instead of voicing any concerns.
"I'll drive you home," Drew offered, getting to his feet.
I'd taken a bus to work this morning to avoid exorbitant inner city parking fees, so I'd either have to use public transport or catch a lift to get back to my house. But Drew suggesting he drive me felt a little strange. We hadn't had that sort of relationship before, and yes, our relationship had now changed, but that did not mean my immediate and automatic response was to say no.
The first letter of the word formed on my tongue. Drew just raised a single eyebrow and waited. I was sure, if I said no, he would have acquiesced. I was getting the picture that Drew was letting me find my feet before he put the pressure on. But I knew he was capable of pushing, it was in his nature, so the easy ride he was giving me now would end before too much longer. But when? And how would I handle it?
I was still so lost, even though he'd provided an anchor. I felt like I was spinning in the wind, tethered, but totally uncontrolled.
I managed to stop myself from saying no, God alone knows how, and just shrugged my shoulders and walked out the door instead. I had never thought of myself as a head in the sand type of person, but looking at my lifestyle and the way I refused to see how unhealthy I had become, I'm beginning to think that maybe a part of me was in denial. About everything.
The café was still serving customers, a glance at the wall clock said it was just on five, so Gen would be closing the doors shortly. My eyes scanned the room for witnesses, noticing several ASI men in their standard black attire. My feet froze to the floor, just inside the room by the access to the back office. I counted. There were six of Nick's men sitting having coffees at one of the tables.
Nick himself, Jason, Adam, Brook and Koki, who always seemed to go hand and in hand, and Ben. Then to my mortification I saw Abi come out of the doorway that led to the bathrooms, making the total of ASI operatives an astounding and embarrassing seven. Had they all seen Kane's assault and my subsequent meltdown?
I forced my gaze onwards and discovered Dominic sitting off to the side with his law firm partner - also Drew's partner - Finn Drake. Nine witnesses in total. Eleven if you counted Gen and Lucas, who were still behind the counter serving the last take-away customers for the day.
Almost one dozen of my friends and their associates watching as Drew and I walked out of Gen's office. Thankfully, we weren't doing anything as stupid as holding hands, but we'd been in there for quite some time, and Dom had already expressed his curiosity, I was sure the rest of them were just dying to ask.
My eyes darted to Abi's. After Gen, she's my closest female friend. Having lived together for several months we'd gotten to know each other's foibles. For the past few weeks she'd been drilling me about who my fifth mystery man was. Her gaze flicked between me and Drew at my shoulder, then a knowing smile curved her lips.
Ah, fuck it. This was going to be torturous.
"You OK?" Gen asked, coming out from behind the counter and approaching first. I noticed Lucas was at the door locking up. Our audience was now contained. Great.
"I'm good," I said, offering a nod of my head and a small smile. Gen needed to know I wasn't a total lost cause.
"Do you want a drink and a bite to eat before you head home?" She looked so eager for me to return to something more normal, to the person she thought she knew.
I couldn't help it, I had to make things right. I nodded. Her responding smile said it all. Pure elation and a huge dollop of relief. Her eyes flicked up to Drew's.
"Would you like a coffee, too?"
"I'd love one, thank you," he murmured, his hand brushing the dip at the base of my spine. Gen's eyes darted down to the movement. Her lips twitching as she spun away and headed to the counter to make our order.
"How about we take a seat," Drew said softly in my ear. He'd moved closer, taking my willingness to stay and drink as a sign to show a little possession.
Oh, this had been a mistake, I was sure.
I let him guide me over to a table near Dominic; Drew would naturally head there, knowing the ADK guys better than Nick's team. But the path he took meant we had to pass the ASI table. I guess it was because I felt out of my depth that I didn't object. I seemed to be walking in a fragile bubble of unreality. Any knock against the sides and I'd shatter.
Abi stood as we came abreast of their group, and took a step toward me. I jerked to a halt, feeling Drew's hand on my hip, arm wrapped around my back, in reassurance. Abi, and no doubt the rest of the room, did not miss it.
"Are you hurt badly?" she asked, surprising me with the question. It was full of concern, but far from the taunting I had expected.
"Just grazes and a bruised ego," I murmured.
She reached out and squeezed my forearm. "Ben managed to get a good elbow strike in as we took him down," she admitted, and Ben muttered, "Red," as a warning in response.
I swallowed thickly. I'd guessed they had been here when Kane dragged me out onto the street. I knew black SUVs had come and cut off his escape. Now I was sure it was Nick's voice I'd heard trying to talk Kane down. It had been a little crazy there for a bit, making out faces and voices had not come easily, but now with danger not so prevalent in my mind, it was starting to come back.
"You guys saw it all unfold on the cameras," I whispered, my voice unable to gain much volume right now.
Abi shook her head and said, "We were on our way here for a meeting." But didn't add anything else, which I was surprisingly grateful for. I'd be rehashing this afternoon over and over in my mind, I didn't need to it dissect with a good friend right now.
"So," she said, her tone of voice changing from careful to playful on that one word. "This is Fred, huh?"
"Fred?" Drew asked, still bracketing me from behind. I could feel the heat of his body sinking into the back of mine. Despite being on edge about 'coming out' it felt remarkably good.
"She wouldn't tell me your name," Abi explained, and I just closed my eyes, sinking in on myself while my sordid history came out. "So you became Fred," Abi added, but her tone had morphed from playful back to concerned. "Why don't you go sit down," she added. "Gen's almost done with your coffees."
My eyes flicked open, Abi gave me another squeeze on my arm and turned away.
They were treating me like I was breakable, already had a crack on the surface, that they expected to widen and lengthen until I fell apart.
I hated this. This was not Kelly Quayle. But one thing about reinventing yourself, if you don't have the mould ready, you're simply doing it blind. I'd decided it was time for a change in my life, so cut my old ties, expecting to just start over new. But I hadn't once stopped to consider what I would be when that was done. I was floundering. I was going under. I needed to leave.
I took a step in the direction of Dom and Finn, and then darted towards the front door. I could hear Drew right behind me, I could hear sharp intakes of breath, and the odd shifting of a chair on the floor. But all I could see was the rounded glass in the shop frontage, and beyond that fresh, breathable air.
I needed oxygen. I needed space. I needed to get away from here.
My hands fumbled with the locks. Why did Gen have so many? A sound of frustration and panic slipped out between my lips. I growled at myself, trying to cover the pathetic response. Tears welled, my throat constricted, my heart beat like bongo drums inside my chest.
Then Drew reached past me and methodically undid each lock on the door, swinging it open as soon as he was done. I was out on the pathway and several metres down the road before I stopped. Hands to knees, sucking in air. Head bent, making my hair cover my face.
This was so embarrassing. I was so fucked up.
Quiet footfalls came from over my shoulder, then stopped just to the side of me. Drew didn't say anything, just waited for me to get myself under control. So much for putting Gen's mind at rest, now I'd really gone and done it. My fists tightened as I stood upright, I was so fucking mad at myself and my weakened state. This was not me.
Then who am I?
I just don't know anymore.
"I want to go home," I whispered, like a child calling for her mum.
"OK," Drew said softly and started walking off down the street, obviously leading the way to where he'd parked his car.
I kept a few feet behind him, unable to make myself walk at his side. He didn't look over his shoulder, didn't alter his pace, just kept walking, head held high, hands in trouser pockets, until we finally came to the multi-storey garage where he parked his car during the day. The ADK offices were on Queen Street, just around the corner from Sweet Seduction. As luck would have it, Drew parked halfway between the two.
He stopped next to a black and cute looking Alfa Romeo. It was a small car, and although it had a certain European style to it, I'd expected Drew to drive something a bit more showy. This little machine had panache, but it most definitely wasn't in any way in your face about it. I realised, as he held the front passenger door open for me, that there was a lot about Drew I didn't really know.