SWAY (Part 1) (18 page)

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I had to whisper, I didn’t have the strength to project any louder.

“I didn’t want to hurt you and I know this is going to sound selfish, but I knew if I told you the truth then, that you would
never
have trusted me. I really am different now. I’m not that guy anymore, Annie. Being with you has changed everything for me. Loving you has made me better. You’re all I want. You’re everything to me, Annie. I would never do something like that again. It wouldn’t be worth losing you.”

I froze, realizing something. “That’s what you told me at Justin’s when I asked you what would stop you from sleeping with someone else. You had already slept with someone else.”

Ryan looked so miserable. “It’s how I knew for sure that I would never want to risk losing you.”

“I guess that’s why you didn’t want to talk about Katie. Why you insisted you didn’t like her. Why you couldn’t be with me the next day—because you’d been up all night with her!”

“It really wasn’t like that—” I interrupted him. “I don’t want details. Please don’t give them to me.” I wrapped my arms around my nauseated stomach, slightly rocking in place.

“I couldn’t be with you the next day because I felt so guilty. I thought that if I was with you, you might figure it out. You and I had o
nly been out a few times, but I still felt like I had cheated on you.” He looked at me with the same pained expression he’d given me the night before. “I felt enough for you then that I should have stopped it. I knew it then and it’s killing me now.”

“Were you with anyone after her?”

“No.” He adjusted himself in his seat to face me. “I waited for you—to be with you because I love you.” I let Ryan hold my hand. “I’ve never felt guilty about anything I’ve done in my life, until that night. It made me literally sick thinking of how hurt you would be and how disappointed you would have been in me. I was trying to convince you that I wasn’t the guy you were afraid of getting involved with, and then I did that.” He bowed his head and exhaled rigidly. “After that night I knew I didn’t want to give you any reason to doubt that I only wanted you, so I stopped talking to other girls, changed my number, and spent every second I could with you.”

Ryan leaned closer to me. “I’ve meant everything I’ve said to you, Annie. I
feel
everything I’ve said to you. I don’t want to lose you because of this. I know I can’t say anything to change how you feel and I’m not asking you to forgive me, but I am asking you to believe me. I have been faithful to you since that night and I will continue to be.” He looked at me, his eyes saturated with grief. I felt that he was telling the truth and I knew he loved me. I felt it. Technically, he hadn’t cheated on me. It still hurt, but I did believe everything he’d just said to me.

“I do,” I murmured, and I meant it.

25

Summer passed in what felt like a dizzy blur. Eve and Ju
stin stayed together. He was able to convince her that there was nothing going on between him and me. I’d been so busy with Ryan that I hadn’t seen Justin much, and never when Eve was around. I’d been avoiding her like the plague.

Pam was a complete mess over Justin leaving and frankly I wasn’t handling it well either. Not getting to spend much time with him the past couple months would make saying goodbye even harder.

When I pulled up, Justin was throwing a duffle bag into the back seat of his truck. He smiled when he saw me and that was all it took for me to burst into tears.

“Come on Reynolds,” he complained. “Don’t get all girly on me now. You’re too tough for that.”

“I can’t help it,” I blubbered.

He smiled, and then hugged me. “It’s going to be fine. I’m not going to be that far away and you can call me anytime you want.
Even in the middle of the night.”

“I’m going to miss you so much,” I sniffled. Justin tigh
tened his grip on me. “I’m really going to miss you, too,” he admitted, a slight ache in his voice. The truth was I already missed him, even while there in his arms. It was the strangest feeling.

I heard the slowing of a car engine behind us and knew Eve and her family had arrived. I closed my eyes tight, knowing what was about to happen. Justin was going to let me go, and a
llow Eve to fall into his arms.

When he released me, it felt like he’d taken my breath with him, leaving me hollow and aching.

Pam flew through the front door, startling me out of my thoughts. She was full-on blubbering before making it down the three steps in front of their house. She went straight to Eve’s mother, who was also in tears. They hugged and went on about how they couldn’t believe their babies were going off to college.

I quickly tried to compose myself, wiping my eyes, pus
hing the wetness from my face before Justin introduced me to Eve’s parents. Eve obviously wasn’t going to. She either hadn’t told them she despised me or they were very good actors because they were especially nice. 

Eve didn’t speak to me at all. She was still angry about gradu
ation night. I imagined that wasn’t going to change anytime soon. I loved how she was so willing to forgive Justin, yet still hate me. But as Justin had said, “Girls can be so ridiculous.”

When Justin left, my heart sank. It was so hard seeing him go. It was deeply painful knowing he was going to be so far away from me that I couldn’t just jump in the car and be with him in ten minutes an
ymore.

When Eve came along I felt I had released a small part of Justin and given it to her, but standing there in the street watching him drive away with her made me realize that one day I would have to completely give him up to another girl, possibly her, which deepened my sadness. Eve hated me and if Justin stayed with her, our relationship would co
ntinue to suffer. 

I know he told her she was the one who would have to choose, but it felt like he’d made the choice since he was following her to Martin instead of going to Harmon where he would be closer to me.

I imagined Eve felt the same way and reveled in her ability to separate Justin and me, which made me angry with her and suddenly I didn’t want her to have any part of Justin that belonged to me anymore. I wanted him back. I didn’t want to permanently let him go—not for anyone.

Letting go would completely break my heart.

Pam tried to talk me into staying with her for a while, but I couldn’t do it. I was too upset. She was sad that Justin moved away from her, but I was sad for a whole other set of reasons. Reasons I didn’t want to discuss with anyone—not even her.

Lindsay had also left me—sort of. She’d moved in with Shawn and enrolled at Harmon. They really seemed happy. Shawn swears that Micki leaving him and taking everything e
xcept the bean bag chair was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Ryan and I had gone on a few double dates with them, but I i
magined we wouldn’t be able to do that much anymore now that school was starting. We would all be so busy. It made me sad thinking of how everything was changing and that I had no control over it. I could only learn to adjust to what I couldn’t bend to my will from now on.

Ryan bought a house across from Harmon’s campus after gra
duation and had it lightly remodeled over the summer. It was about half the size of his space at his parents’ house, but it was still big for one person. The house had four bedrooms, one of which he turned into an office.

He’d consulted me before making the color choices, and buying furniture. He said it was because I would be spending so much time there on the weekends that he wanted to make sure I was comfortable. I was more than co
mfortable in that house.

The first few weeks of school, Ryan’s schedule was lighter than I expected and we got to spend more time than we thought together, which we took full advantage
of. It felt good waking up with him in the mornings. I’d spent the night with him at his parents’ house plenty of times, but this felt different, better, because we were completely on our own. It allowed space for my mind to wander, fantasize about the future. If we would end up married. I smiled at the thought.

26

I missed Justin terribly and despite the promises we’d made we had only talked a few times since he left. I was desperate to see him. Ryan was going to be so busy that I used his schedule as an excuse to go to Martin for the weekend.

I left right after school on Friday and planned to drive back Su
nday morning so I could still spend Ryan’s day off with him. He wasn’t thrilled that I was going to be sleeping at Justin’s for two nights, but didn’t complain. I guess he figured it would only cause an argument and decided to keep quiet. He was still walking on eggshells around me because of Katie, even though that hurdle was five months in the past now. But neither one of us had exactly forgotten about it.

I reminded Ryan that Eve would be around to ease his mind, which it did. I, on the other hand, was completely dreading
her presence. I knew there was no way she was going to let Justin and I have any time together without babysitting us, but I didn’t let Ryan know that because I didn’t want to have to explain why. I hadn’t told him about the incident at Justin’s the morning after graduation.

I got to Martin about seven-thirty, and was surprised when I saw Justin’s place. He lived in a dorm on campus that looked more like a small motel. The buildings were close together, plain rectangles covered in cheap, bright red brick with low-pitched roofs, and were three stories high with staircases at either end with all the doors showing on the outside.
Nothing like the dorms at Harmon.

I pulled my bag from the trunk of my car and headed up the stairs. As I raised my hand to knock on the door, it suddenly opened, startling me.
And then I was nearly mowed down by a couple girls wearing shorts and half shirts. It was October—definitely not weather appropriate attire. They were unapologetic and squeezed by me as if I had truly inconvenienced them.

“Reynolds, you made it!” The sound of Justin’s voice exci
ted me, causing me to forget the girls, until I was inside, that is.

It seemed the girls who’d just left weren’t alone. There were more of them inside and apparently traveling in pairs. I was glad I d
ecided to get myself together when I’d stopped to pee a couple exits back. I would have hated to be caught without makeup in front of some of those girls.

Justin looked strange at first sight. I hadn’t seen him in two and a half months, and wondered if the time away had distorted my memory of him. He honestly looked a bit scruffy, like he’d been on a bender. His hair was longer than he usually kept it. I could see it sticking out from beneath his ball cap, and it looked like he hadn’t shaved in a couple weeks.

It was different for him, but sexy in a way. He was wearing jeans and an unbuttoned, flimsy red and black flannel shirt with a black CASH t-shirt underneath, holding a can of beer.

He kissed my cheek and hugged me, lifting me off the floor. I glanced around the room for Eve. She didn’t seem to be around, which didn’t bother me one bit, but I could feel the other girls in the room sta
ring, no doubt wondering who I was.

Justin introduced me to everyone at once. “Hey ever
ybody, this is Annie,” he yelled.

“Hey Annie,” loudly echoed back. I gave a small wave and looked at Justin, almost laughing because I was so happy to see him. He grabbed my hand and walked me to an empty seat at the end of the couch. He plopped down in it and pulled me onto his lap since there was nowhere else for me to sit.

“Which one of these guys is your roommate?” I asked.

“He kind of moved out on me. His girlfriend has an apartment off campus; he’s been staying with her.” He shrugged. “I’m mostly by myself.”

“Yeah, you look severely lonely,” I growled.

“This place is usually as quiet as a mouse, empty as
Charlie Manson’s soul, but when word got out that you were coming to town—Bam! The place is full as church on Easter Sunday.”

I laughed, “Liar.” He laughed too, not a complete admi
ssion of guilt, but I accepted it as one.

“So, where’s Eve?” I was wondering if she was going to pop up wanting to choke me for sitting in her boyfriends lap an
ytime soon.

Justin put his hand against his mouth and breathed deeply, r
eleasing his beer breath as he gave me the news. “Eve and I split.”

“What! Why?” I was surprised, which made it seem like I was more disturbed about it than I actually was. Honestly, I was thrilled. Thrilled that I could have all of my pieces of him back, that she wouldn’t be here all weekend, and that I wouldn’t have to be careful how I acted with Justin for her sake.

“Doesn’t matter.”

He was right. It didn’t matter why—just that it was done.

“Well, I’m sorry,” I said, and I was sorry. I knew he loved her.

“It’s okay. It wasn’t meant to be.”

I smiled warmly at him, hoping for more details, so I gazed at him until he gave in.

“She suggested we get married and I told her I thought it was a bad idea.”

“You really have a way with words where that girl is concerned.”

“Don’t I know
it.”

“Well, with all this new attention,” I motioned to the girls in the room, “I hope you’re being careful.”

“I have a drawer full of condoms,
Pam
,” he chided.

My mouth dropped open. He was seriously calling me his mother. “Oh, okay,” I griped. “I just don’t want you to get gono
rrhea or something worse from some fun girl who gets lit and passes it out like Halloween candy,” I complained.

Justin laughed, throwing his head back. “Come on Rey
nolds, you know me better than that.
I am no hoe
,” he declared. “But, if I do get involved with someone else, I promise to be careful.”

“Okay.
New subject?” I offered.

“New subject,” he agreed.

“What are we doing tonight?” I asked, hoping it wouldn’t include his female entourage.

“I’m taking you to the bonfire. We have a big football game t
omorrow and it’s supposed to get everyone psyched for it, but it’s really just an excuse to get drunk and burn shit.”

“Sounds like fun,” I chuckled,
then gave him a look.

“What?” he asked.

“Do those only come in singles?” I thumped his can of beer. He smiled, looking skeptically at me. “I thought you didn’t drink canned beer.”

“I’ll drink canned beer, just not while it’s in the can.”

“You are aware of how stupid that sounds, right?”

“I’ll pour it in a cup. You do have a cup, don’t you?”

Justin winked at me. “I have some bottles in the bottom of the fridge for you.” I flashed him a grateful smile and hopped up to go get one.

Taped to the drawer in the refrigerator was a note warning ev
eryone, except me, to keep out. He had drawn a stick figure of me in a ball gown with poufy hair and a tiara, spitting out the words,
Ew I can’t drink beer from a can! Gross! I’m such a girl!

Justin had a big, shiny smile on his face when I returned.

“I hope you’re not majoring in Art?” I stated, holding up his drawing. “Because you kinda suck at it.”

He laughed. “Yeah, like I hope you’re not aiming to b
ecome a comedian.”

“Funny,” I smirked.

I sat back down in Justin’s lap and studied his face, smiling crookedly, glad to be with my friend again.

“Does he know you’re here?” he asked.

“Of course he does.”

“And he was okay with you sleeping here for two nights?”

“He was fine with it.”

“Uh huh.”

“Ryan would never tell me that I can’t see you.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’ve never done anything to make him believe that I can’t be trusted.”

“Nothing I can think of, but I do know that I would be crazy jealous if I were him right now.”

“Because I’m with you?”

“No, because you’re not with
him and you’re sleeping four hours away for two days. You would feel the same way if he went to stay with a female friend and you had no idea what he was doing—only what he was telling you.”

“You’re right, but I’m not going to be doing anything I wouldn’t tell him about.”

“What’s he doing while you’re gone?”

“He’s having dinner with his parents tonight. He’s got pitching camp tomorrow and then he’s spending the day with me on Sunday.”

Justin had a weird look on his face. I narrowed my eyes.

“Why?”

“Just wondered.” The look disappeared.

“Why?” I pressed.

“I told you, I just wondered.”

“What are you trying to do? Scare me into thinking he’s going to be with someone else while I’m gone.”

“No.” He seemed appalled by the suggestion, but I didn’t believe him. “It was just a general question. It’s up to you if you trust him or not.”

“Why did you say that? Why did you say
if
?”

“Because you’re obviously worried that he might cheat. He’s done it before.”

“I do trust him and he trusts me. I didn’t come here to argue with you about Ryan or what happened with Katie. It happened before he and I were committed and I forgave him for it, which you know, because we’ve already had this conversation.”

Justin groaned.

“You can try to put scenarios of the worst possible kind in my head if you want, but trust me, if you’ve thought it, so have I. I could sit here making myself crazy, worrying about what he’s doing or what the groupie girls are doing to try and take him away from me, but I don’t want to live like that. I believe the things he says to me. He loves me and it doesn’t matter what you say about him, it won’t change the way I feel.”

“I’m not trying to change the way you feel. I just worry about you sometimes.”

“I appreciate that, but I’m a big girl, Justin. I can take care of myself.”

“Okay. I didn’t mean to get you all fired up,” he snickered.

“Then let’s not talk about Ryan anymore. I came here to be with you.”

Justin looked pensively at me, as if he were apologizing without words. “Well then, let’s go drink some beer and set some shit on fire,” he shouted. The rest of the people in the room erup
ted in agreement, chanting Go! Go! Go! Go! as they funneled outside.

The bonfire was nuts. It felt like Justin knew everybody
there and he introduced me to all of them. I just smiled and said “hi” not even attempting to remember their names.

I didn’t care for the girls trying to hang around Justin so I clung to him when necessary, making me their good reason to go away.

I let myself get a little carried away. It was too easy to fall in with everyone else. The only difference was that they were used to drinking like that and I wasn’t. In the middle of all the madness I drunk dialed my boyfriend, which was a big mistake.

Ryan was less than pleased with my slurred speech and mo
nstrously loud voice trying to explain to him how much fun I was having. He finally told me to put Justin on the phone.

I watched Justin as he listened to Ryan speak, then said, “
She did have a little too much. I just gave her a hot dog to eat
.”

“A hot dog with ketchup,” I yelled. “You forgot to tell him about the ketchup!” I said, frantically shaking his arm. He held up his hand. “I told him,” he whispered, trying to listen to Ryan.

“Okay,” I grumbled.

“
Just beer I think
,” Justin said, and then he looked at me. “Annie, did you drink anything other than beer?”

I shook my head fast
, and then slowly, childlike as I munched on my hot dog.

“
I am watching her
.
I know it’s not like her to—She’ll be fine
.”

“I’m hot!” I yelled, tugging at the collar of my shirt.

“Whoo! You are hot,” someone called back to me.

“Not that kind of hot,” I scolded.
“Temperature hot. It’s hot out here!” I spun in a circle, yanking at my shirt like a dog chasing its tail. It made my head whirl.

“Annie, be still,” Justin instructed.

And then it hit me. Tequila! “I drank tequila,” I whispered to Justin.

“
No, she’s fine. I’m going to get her to sober up a little before she lies down
,” he said to Ryan. I smiled widely, dreamily at Justin. “You have really pretty eyes.” I put my hands on his cheeks, staring into them.

“Thank you.” He was humoring me. He removed my hands, placing them back down by my side.

“
I will
,” Justin said into the phone.

“Tell Ryan that I love him and I can’t wait until I get home so we can—” Justin covered my mouth before I could finish my sentence.