Authors: Katie Golding
“Sure thing. Uphill or downhill?”
“You choose,” I tell him, fighting my way through another round of vertigo and queasiness, and he nods.
“Some minor abrasions and lacerations,” he starts, “the worst being on your forehead which required four stitches.” Sweet, more scars. Good thing I don’t have to worry about being attractive anymore seeing as how I’ve been royally dumped. “You have a dislocated right shoulder and a broken clavicle,” he continues, “but luckily that was a clean break so it should heal nicely without needing surgery. You also have six broken ribs, your right lung collapsed—”
“What?” I ask, astounded, and he shrugs.
“It’s okay. Lungs collapse all the time. And your buddy over there already had it draining and re-inflated by the time AirMed was on site.”
My eyes dart to Scott, and he jerks his chin at me. “You’re welcome,” he stage whispers, and I blink.
We always carry a fully stocked med kit in our packs, but we hardly ever use it, only pulling out gauze and antiseptic if anything. But Scott inserted a
chest dart
, the thing that scares him more than anything else on this planet.
In all of our missions he never once hit an artery on a patient, but one night he confessed that every time he inserts one, he almost chickens out right before. He can’t stand the prospect that he could kill someone while trying to save them, and with the risk of that procedure…it is a very real possibility.
Remorse seizes me, and even though I’m pissed at him for not sticking by my side when it comes to cutting Zoe out of the equation of my life, he’s still my oldest friend. I never listen to his warnings even though I know they come from the right place, and because I was stupid, I put him in a position he never wanted to be in again. Some shining example of friendship we make.
“You have…” Dr. Brooks continues, and I look at him as he pauses and checks his iPad. “A Type IIIB compound fracture on your right forearm which we did immediate surgery on, so you now have a few plates and screws in there. Your right femur was also broken, and your right ankle was basically shattered. Fractured fibula, hairline fracture in the talus, displaced fracture of the tibia—that also required immediate surgery so more rods and screws there. Lots of fun to be had in future airport screenings and metal detectors.”
“Jesus,” I mumble.
The right side of my body is fucked, pretty much being held together with nuts and bolts. I am Frankenstein.
How the hell am I alive when I’m this—
My med training suddenly screams two words at me that are silent killers and common with long distance falls, and my head snaps up. “Internal bleeding?”
“Nothing that wasn’t controlled quickly,” he says. “No spinal injuries either, but your concussion was severe,” he says and I swallow my relief, and my fear. “It was also followed by rapid swelling of the brain, for which I induced you into a coma over the last eight days to control the swelling.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, shaking my head, just as Zoe comes back out of the bathroom. Her eyes are red and swollen and she leans against the wall, staring at me with a soft little smile that makes me furious. “Did you just say you induced me into a coma for a
week
?”
“Yes,” he says. “It was the best way to avoid any long term damage.”
I can’t even contemplate what he’s telling me. That mentally, I could be different.
No freaking wonder he’s giddy over me talking. But my thoughts are scattered and I’m still getting dizzy, black spots occasionally popping up.
Oh God, did I even answer those other questions right? Wouldn’t Scott or Zoe have said something if my answers were wrong? Maybe not. Maybe they didn’t want to frighten me that I’m not remembering things correctly. Maybe I do have brain damage.
Holy shit
. What if Zoe’s being so touchy-feely with Scott because she and I were never even together? What if I’m imagining the whole thing and she’s always been with Scott, and I’m just confused? Could I have hallucinated an entire relationship with a woman just because I’m attracted to her and I’ve been living in a world of jealousy or something?
I look over at Zoe, and I can’t tell whether she’s smiling at me because she once loved me, or because I’m nothing more than the injured friend of the man she’s with. But she’s wearing my shirt…
That is
my
shirt right? Or is it Scott’s? I don’t even know anymore.
“And did you avoid it?” I ask Dr. Brooks hesitantly, not sure if I want to know the answer as I keep my eyes locked with Zoe’s.
“Luca,” he says, his voice dropping, and terror blasts through me. It was all fake. All of it. “These next few days you are going to be very sore, very stiff, you will have headaches and blurred vision, nausea and disorientation. You are recovering from two major surgeries along with a host of other ailments, but you are otherwise very healthy and
I do
expect you to make a full recovery.”
I lock my shaking jaw closed as Zoe’s smile brightens, and I wish like hell Scott wasn’t in here right now considering my eyes are starting to sting, but I can’t do anything about that.
“It won’t be easy,” Dr. Brooks says, and I nod. “Expect lots of physical therapy in the future, possibly another surgery or two for your ankle, depending, and it’s going to be a while before you’re jumping out of any planes or going rock climbing again. But I have no doubt that with time, you can get back to doing those things. Although I have to warn you,” he says, darting a glance to Zoe, “
certain people
have made it clear that if you keep refusing to use ropes when you rock climb, then she’s going to make me put you back in a coma. Please don’t make me do that,” he stage whispers.
I try to smile, but it feels flat.
“Do you have any questions?” he asks, and I clear my throat. God, how long before
that
doesn’t feel like scraping razor blades down my esophagus?
“When can I go home?”
“For now why don’t we take it one day at a time,” he tells me. “But if all goes well, probably a few weeks. We need to make sure everything is healing and to keep an eye on your arm and ankle, rule out any infections.”
I nod.
“Anything else?”
I shake my head.
“Okay, well I’m going to go make some rounds and a nurse should be in soon to check on you. But if you start to feel any pain or discomfort before then, just call. Oh, and the cafeteria is not nearly as bad as you would expect, feel free to make ample use of it.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” I say sincerely, and he smiles before turning and heading out of the room.
“So…” Scott drawls after the door closes, the silence just hanging, thick with tension. He glances between me and Zoe as he shifts his weight restlessly. “I’m gonna make a food run. Luca, you want a burger or pizza or tacos?”
“Yes,” I tell him and he snorts, then comes close enough that I can bump his fist with my left one, though even just raising my hand takes way too much effort. “Thanks, man,” I say, my voice a little thick. “For everything you did. And I’m…”
“No sweat,” he interrupts, looking a little uncomfortable. “At least now we’re even.”
“Until you decide to bungee jump off a bridge and just ‘wing’ the cord length again.”
“That was one time!”
A smile starts to pull at my mouth, and this time, it feels real. “Get out of here so I can go to sleep.”
He levels a look at me. “You’ve been asleep for a week. There’s no way you’re tired.”
“
No
, I’m hungry. Now go get me food like a good little Candy Striper.”
He laughs. “You’re such a dick.”
He turns and starts to head out of the room, but pauses in front of where Zoe is trying to morph into the wall. His back is to me and his frame is hiding hers, and I don’t hear what he says, but I see his head dip a little lower like he’s catching her eyes as he whispers something. The only response I hear from her is a sniffle, and then a softly uttered, “You’re right.”
An incredulous breath huffs out of me, laced with bitter jealousy, because I can’t believe she’s so willing to agree to whatever he says when she always challenged me. And to add insult to a long list of injuries, she’s manipulating my best friend into putting her needs first and he’s completely falling for it.
Shouldn’t surprise me. Zoe had no problem wrapping me around her little finger with those damn brown doe eyes and that sucker-punch smile, all those bashful giggles and blushes and the way she’d light up when I would walk through the door.
I loved her. I asked her to
marry
me.
And she acted like she was going to say yes, then went and proved me wrong with an unforgivable no.
Christ, can’t she let me keep one thing, just
one thing
that was good in my life? She ripped our relationship apart, aborted the pregnancy, and now she has to have him too?
“You want anything from the cafeteria?” Scott asks her a little louder, and I barely hold in my suggestion that he bring her back a soul. “Or I could go grab some of your clothes from your hotel room since you didn’t get a chance to go back yet…”
I close my eyes as my head falls back against the pillow.
Really? Why don’t you just rip your heart out of your chest and give her that too?
“No, I’m okay,” she says, and acid burbles up from my stomach and sears my throat.
“Let me know if you change your mind, and I’ll be back soon.”
I hear his footsteps fade away, the door open and close, and I pray to God that she went with him. I’ve got enough to think and worry about, like the way my vision is blurring at the edges and dealing with the migraine pounding through my ears, without focusing on the fact that my best friend no longer belongs to me and I have officially lost everything.
God, I’m going to throw up. Too bad I can’t move.
“So,” Zoe says quietly, and I faintly shake my head.
“Don’t,” I muster out, every word torture from the aches in my shoulder and the burn in my lungs, the way it feels like my heart is shattering at the sound of her voice. “There’s nothing you can say that I want to hear.”
“Can I talk to you just for a minute? Please?”
My eyes fly open and I glare at her. “No. I don’t want you here. You’ve robbed me of my home, my child, and now as far as I can tell, you’re falling for my best friend. There’s nothing left of me to take so you may as well get the fuck out!”
She sucks in a breath, the color draining from her face.
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
“Luca,” Zoe says gently, taking a tentative step forward, but slowly, like she’s afraid of me. “Dr. Brooks warned me that it would be normal for you to be angry and confused when you woke up, but—”
“Damn right I’m angry!” I snap, sitting up as much as I can endure, but it’s still excruciating.
“I am not falling for Scott!” Zoe hisses, and I narrow my eyes at her.
“Then what the hell is with the new secret pow wows and him having the key to your hotel room?”
“He’s been helping me to stay calm—”
“Take your meds.”
“And we’re three hours from home, Luca,” she tells me like I don’t know this, not even bothering to acknowledge my previous attack. “We wanted to be here with you as much as we could so instead of driving back and forth every day, it just made sense to get a room nearby, that way we could take turns visiting while the other one gets some sleep. I’m
not
attracted to him.”
Another bout of vertigo hits me, but I push through it. I won’t let her see me weak.
“You know what? I don’t even care,” I tell her, and her lips tremble. “You don’t need to be here anymore. We’re not together. You made sure of that.”
“Luca,” she pleads, taking another step forward, and I wish like hell I could back away from the white tea and ginger scent that comes with her and reminds me of everything good and everything terrible that has ever happened between us.
“You need to leave,” I growl, the black spots closing in that warn me I don’t have long before they take over, and she shakes her head.
“I’m not going. Where would you be if it was me in the hospital?”
“You can’t ask me that!” I yell, immediately wincing at the pain in my chest, and Zoe rushes forward when my resolve gives and I collapse back down. I bat her hands away when she reaches for me, and the door opens, a nurse practically running in.
“Luca, you okay, honey? Your pulse is—”
“He’s okay, Allie, we’re just…talking,” Zoe says, and the nurse arches an eyebrow at her before looking back to the machine displaying my every pissed off heartbeat. “I’m sorry,” Zoe says, ashamed, and the nurse glances over at me, a soothing smile on her face.
“Talking is okay, but we need you to try to stay as relaxed as possible, okie dokie?”
I nod. Although if she’s going to keep using the phrase “okie dokie,” I’m going to be anything but relaxed.
She wraps a blood pressure cuff around my upper left arm, and I blow out through my nose, trying to calm down as much as possible. Which is pretty much
im
possible. Zoe runs a hand through her hair as the monitor hums to life, the nurse winking at me when she says, “It’s good to see you awake, sweetie, but you still need to sleep whenever you’re tired, okay?”
“Sure.”
She looks to Zoe. “I thought you were going to get some rest yourself, hon. You’ve been here since the shift change last night.”
“Change of plans,” Zoe says and I scoff.
“That’s what she’s best at. Changing her mind.”
“Luca!” Zoe bursts out. “I didn’t change my mind, I—”
“Oh now…” the nurse drawls, cutting her off. “Didn’t you ever hear that’s a woman’s prerogative?”
“Sure,” I say, then level a hard look at Zoe. “They just usually have their mind made up before someone proposes to them.”
Zoe sucks in a breath, but the nurse must not have heard it because she quickly gushes, “Oh my goodness! I didn’t know you two were engaged!”
Zoe turns away, and I look up at the nurse. “We’re not.”
She flinches, then seems to remember what she’s in here for and takes the cuff off my arm. “Well…your blood pressure seems to be okay, a little high but nothing serious.” She fusses with the monitor, then turns back to me, fully composed. “Need anything for the pain?”
Zoe turns back around, arms crossed. My eyes lock with hers, and I steadily answer, “Nope.”
“Okay, I’ll be back in a bit to check your bandages and do your next round of vitals.”
“Thanks, Allie,” Zoe says, and the nurse smiles at me but throws a warning glance to her, then ducks back out and shuts the door.
Zoe blows out a breath, grabbing the chair Scott was in earlier and pulling it forward.
“You’re on a first name basis?” I ask without inflection, and she nods.
“She’s your day nurse. Has a soft spot for you. Says you look just like her nephew who goes to Cornell.”
“Fantastic,” I deadpan.
Zoe shifts, her knees bouncing and her hands pressed between them. “Um,” she starts, clearing her throat and staring at the floor. “What did you think of Dr. Brooks?”
I arch an eyebrow at her. “He looks like he needs to spend another four years in medical school before being allowed to touch a stethoscope.”
“He’s not that young,” Zoe says. “He’s Columbia undergrad and got his Ph.D. at Johns Hopkins.”
“Great, go run him down then.”
Her head snaps up, eyes rolling. “Since when are you so jealous?” she asks, and I harden my gaze at her.
“I’m not. Would be pretty pointless.”
“Luca!”
“
Zoe
,” I mock.
“Stop it!”
“Leave!”
“
No!
” she snaps and leans forward, eyes dangerous. “I’m not going anywhere. Not when you
died
,” she says, and I flinch. “I was already here when AirMed landed, and I was standing right next to you when your heart stopped. I had to watch them shock you back to life and no one knew what was going to happen afterward.” Her mouth twists and tears begin to stream down her cheeks, her voice cracking when she says, “They couldn’t tell me if you were paralyzed or if you were ever going to be
you
again because you weren’t wearing a goddamn helmet when you fell…they couldn’t even tell me if you were going to live through the first
night
. So, yes,” she says, her voice stronger, “I’m staying here and keeping an eye on you because there’s been nothing else that I can
do
, so you can get over it.”
My mouth is agape with everything she just blurted out, and I can’t help but to think how terrifying that must have been for her. To get the call, to rush three hours to a hospital and then watch me die, right before her eyes. I remember, vividly, the nightmares I just woke from and every time she died,
I
died.
Except for her, it was real.
Scott was right. I have dragged her through hell.
I hate irony.
“Zoe,” I say quietly, “I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, but I still think it’s time you left. Just go home, go back to work.”
“No!” she damn-near yells, swiping at her eyes. “And I know you’re tired, and I know you’re in pain and confused right now, but I can’t take the chance of you going back to sleep and never waking up again and not knowing the truth.”
“And what’s the truth? That you made a mistake?” I bite off, adrenaline bought by anger pumping back through me and hiding the physical agony that is desperate to take hold. “Been there, heard the speech, doesn’t change what happened.”
“I’m still pregnant,” she says, and I go dead still.
My eyes close as I sink into my bedding, reminding myself that Dr. Brooks told me I would be disoriented. That I would be confused. But for Zoe to take advantage of that fact and try to trick me, to manipulate me into forgiving her like I simply imagined the single worst day of my life…
I’m having a hard enough time sorting out the truth without her lying to me.
“I can’t believe you would say that to me,” I mutter.
“It’s the truth!”
My eyes fly open. “Take a look around: I’m lying in the hospital, I can barely fucking breathe and after everything, that’s what you have to say to me? Not ‘I want to work this out’ or even a standard ‘I’m sorry you’re hurt,’ but some bullshit story about being pregnant? This isn’t a fucking joke, Zoe!”
“I’m not laughing, Luca.”
I shake my head at her. “You’re lying.”
“Luca—”
“I don’t even care anymore whether you’re pregnant or not, how about that?”
“Now who’s lying?” she counters, and I narrow my eyes at her. “You may be mad at me, but I know you still love me and I know you still care about our baby, so don’t say otherwise. I know you too well to ever believe that.”
“Did you or did you not schedule an appointment to have an abortion the morning after I proposed to you?” I ask, and she exhales.
“I did.”
“Then there ya go,” I say harshly. “Because
you
were afraid, you chose to lash out at me in the way you knew would hurt me the most. And I don’t just mean the abortion.” I have to pause to catch my breath, but it doesn’t make this any easier to say. “I mean you leading me to believe we were past that shit, then the betrayal of you doing it all behind my back instead of just
talking
to me.”
“I did betray you by scheduling the appointment,” she says, controlled. “And I did go there with the intention of having it done. But I couldn’t go through with it, Luca,” she says, her voice breaking, and I mentally shake my head at her. I’m not believing anything she says until there’s undeniable proof otherwise. There’s no way I can take another round of hope and relief that our baby is still alive, only to lose it all over again.
And either way, it doesn’t erase her lies.
“That’s convenient.”
Fresh tears slip down her cheeks and she leans forward, her head in her hands. “You’re right: I should have talked to you, and I do want to work this out,” she says quietly. “And I am sorry that you’re hurt.”
“Gee, thanks.”
She huffs out a breath and looks up at me, and it’s a look I know too well; the same she wore when she yelled at me about risking my life to save Scott’s and not even considering her place in all of that.
“The things you do terrify me,” she says, and I chew the inside of my lip. “And I know you promised me that you’d never fall, but honestly, Luca, I wasn’t naïve enough to think that I’d never get a call saying you were hurt or worse. But despite how much I hate the fact that you are so willing to leave this earth and me by extension, when you asked me to marry you, I wanted to say yes.”
Her eyes close as she shakes her head, and I harden myself against anything she’s about to say. What she wanted doesn’t matter. Only what she did.
“But I was so scared,” she whispers. “I was terrified that you’d always resent me, that I was trapping you in a relationship that I wanted more than you did because you were only trying to do the right thing, and I knew I was being selfish and taking advantage of how good of a person you are.” Her eyes open and she shrugs. “I needed to protect you against me, I needed to protect our child from having to grow up with me as a mother, and I thought…I told myself that I loved you both enough to let you go. Only I knew you wouldn’t listen to me, that you’d stay regardless if I said no or not, and the only way to save you was to hurt you so badly that you wouldn’t want me anymore. So I went. But once I was there, I couldn’t even get out of the car.”
She sniffles and reaches for my hand, and for some reason, I let her take it. A small smile tugs at the corner of her mouth as she slips her fingers between mine, then her eyes lift back up to my own.
“I loved you too much to do that to you,” she continues. “I loved our baby too much to… And I know you probably don’t believe me when I say that, but I do. I talk to her, Luca, all the time when you’re not around and I tell her about you and about us, about our life and I can’t seem to get anything done because I’m always too busy wondering whether she’ll have your blue eyes or my stubbornness and if she’s going to keep her insane need to eat all things spicy once she’s born and I
want
her, I want
you
, more than anything and I didn’t want to make the wrong choice again.”
She blows out a breath, wiping at her cheeks with her free hand.
“So we raced back home, but you were already leaving and every time I tried to tell you, you just screamed at me and it all got so out of control, and then you were gone. And I waited for you to come back, but you never did, and the next thing I knew Scott was calling me saying I needed to get to the hospital as fast as I could because you were hurt and then…I almost lost you, forever.”
I take a deep breath, trying to make sense of all the stuff she just said and I think I missed about half of it because of the fog in my brain, but I sure got the point. I definitely got the point.
“I’m supposed to believe this?” I ask, and she lifts her chin.
“Yes.”
I shake my head, fury and longing burning through my veins. I want so badly to believe her, but the thing is…as much as I love hearing about the fact that she’s thought about all those things, wondered what I’ve wondered and that she hasn’t been ignoring the life we created and that she was—
is?
—carrying inside of her, it’s not just about whether or not she’s pregnant anymore. It never was. It’s about the fact that I loved her, trusted her, and she calculatedly hurt me.