Authors: Jana DeLeon
Ida Belle nodded. “She never made a secret of how much she hated it here.”
Heaven only knew how much I hated the idea of breaking into a church to take a picture of a corpse, but the tone of Ida Belle’s voice removed any remaining doubt that I was doing the right thing. In the short time I’d known Ida Belle, I’d heard her angry, frustrated, happy, annoyed, and sad, but I’d never heard the sliver of defeat that I did now.
I sighed. This was officially the longest day ever.
Chapter Fourteen
“Stop pushing me,” I hissed. “If I trip over something, I’ll wake up everyone in the neighborhood.”
“You’re the one who nixed flashlights,” Gertie whispered.
“Yeah, because a bunch of flashlights bobbing along behind the Catholic church wouldn’t look remotely suspicious. It’s like you’re trying to get caught.” I inched my foot forward, claiming another twelve inches in a most exasperating crawl to the back side of the church.
“Stop talking,” Ida Belle said. “Ever since Old Lady Fontenot got that hearing implant, she has ears like a bat.”
I shook my head and slid my foot forward another step, gently feeling the air with my hands. I’d already heard enough about Old Lady Fontenot and her implant on our trek through the swamp from the clearing where Ida Belle had me stash my Jeep. I didn’t think for a moment that this Fontenot lady would be able to hear us talking, even though she lived across the street directly behind the church. But if I fell over a trash can, she’d probably dial 911 before I could pick myself up off the ground.
It felt like I’d shuffled across the entire state, but finally, my foot connected with something solid. I reached down and felt the cold, hard concrete that made up the back steps.
“We’re at the steps,” I said. “Give me a minute to check the lock.”
I crept up the steps, then felt around until my hand closed over the doorknob. Ida Belle had assured me the locking mechanism was the old variety and the church had never installed a dead bolt, but I wasn’t betting on it until I saw for myself. Using my fingers as my eyes, I gently felt the surface of the keyhole, then jiggled the knob and pressed against the door.
When I felt movement in both, I felt my spirits tick up a notch. I pulled Ida Belle’s ice pick from my back pocket and went to work on the flimsy lock. It didn’t take but a couple of seconds before I heard it click.
“I’m going to open the door,” I whispered, giving them warning. We were fairly sure that no type of alarm was attached to the back door, but on the off chance that something sounded, we would all be ready to run in different directions. As well as anyone could run in the pitch black, anyway.
I grasped the knob and turned, then gently pushed the door open. Other than a tiny squeak, not a single sound came forth.
“Inside,” I hissed and hurried inside, pushing the door all the way open as I went. Ida Belle and Gertie crept up the steps and huddled in the hallway as I used antibacterial gel to wipe any fingerprints off the doorknob. I handed Ida Belle and Gertie plastic gloves, donned a pair myself, then shut and locked the door behind us.
“The worship space is straight down at the end of the hallway,” Ida Belle said.
I took out my penlight and shone it on the old carpet that lined the hallway. It was just enough light to keep us from falling over one of the many decorator’s tables that littered the hallway, but as long as I kept it directed downward, it shouldn’t catch the attention of anyone who glanced at one of the windows of the classrooms that lined each side of the hall.
When we reached the end of the hallway, I pushed open one of the double doors and stepped into the worship space.
A dim glow was emitted by a light directly over the altar, giving us some welcome light. The doors opened at the front of the worship space, along the side of the steps to the altar and risers that led to the choir loft. I eased around the main platform and saw Ted’s casket, standing centered directly in front of the altar.
We all crept over and stood in front of it.
“How hard will it be to open, you think?” Gertie looked at me.
“How the heck should I know?” I replied. “My job is to put people in them. Not get them out.”
“It shouldn’t be sealed yet,” Ida Belle said. “I think you just lift the top piece.”
Gertie and I stared at her.
“I got my times messed up and got to a funeral early one time,” Ida Belle explained. “I saw them setting up. And since a woman Gertie’s size and twice her age propped the thing open, I’m guessing it’s not that heavy.”
“Okay,” I said. “Then open it.”
“I’m not going to open it,” Ida Belle said.
“Me either,” Gertie said. “That’s just creepy.”
I threw my hands in the air. “This was your idea.”
“I never said I was going to do all the work,” she shot back.
“Since you haven’t done any of the work, I’m thinking now is a good time to start. Now open that damned casket or I’m leaving the two of you here and going straight home for a hot shower and bed.”
“Fine,” Ida Belle said and pushed up the top piece of the casket.
We all leaned forward to get a better look and sure enough, there was Ted. He didn’t look as vibrant as he had when giving that whopper of a political speech, but that sorta stood to reason.
“He doesn’t look so good,” Gertie said, echoing my thoughts.
“He’s dead,” Ida Belle said. “He didn’t look good alive. Did you think he would improve?”
“Just move,” I said and pulled my cell phone from my pocket, ready to get this over with.
“Wait!” Ida Belle said. “Did you hear that?”
I froze. “Hear what?”
“Someone is walking outside.”
“You’re sure?”
Ida Belle put a finger to her lips. I slowed my breathing and strained to hear someone in the silence. I was just about to decide she was imagining things or had heard some animal rummaging around when I heard the sound of glass breaking in one of the classrooms down the hallway.
The hallway was off-limits for escape and Ida Belle had already said the front door had an alarm on it. No matter really, as we probably wouldn’t have time to get out the front of the church before whoever broke that window showed up. I gestured to the choir loft and we hurried up the steps on the side of the altar to the back row of the loft, which was just out of reach of the overhead light.
We crouched down behind the bench back from the row in front of us and peered over to see what was going on. A minute later, two large men wearing ski masks walked into the worship space and over to Ted’s coffin.
“That’s definitely him” the first man said.
“What the hell?” the second man said. “They don’t close the top at night or something?”
“What difference does it make? He’s dead.”
“I guess.” The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a camera.
What the hell? What were the odds that two separate groups of people would break into the church to take a picture of a corpse? And what the heck did
those
guys need one for?
I nudged Ida Belle and raised my eyebrows, but she shook her head. Apparently, she had no idea who the guys were or what they were doing. Just what we needed—another mystery.
The guy with the camera stepped up to the casket and leaned over to get a shot of Ted. As he leaned over, the unmistakable sound of expelled gas echoed through the worship area.
“Jesus, I know you have no respect for the man” the first man said, “but this is a church. Can’t you hold that until we get outside?”
“What?” the second man said, straightening back up. “That wasn’t me. I thought it was you.”
“You think I’d rip one in a church? For Christ’s sake, my aunt’s a nun.”
“Well, I’m telling you it wasn’t me.”
“Forget about it. Just take the picture and let’s get the hell out of here.”
As the man with the camera leaned over again, the sound of expelled gas repeated, this time louder.
“Motherfucker!” The second man jumped back from the coffin. “It was him!”
“Bullshit! A corpse can’t rip one. Stop screwing around.”
The first man snatched the camera from the second man but as he lifted it up to take the picture, Ted’s hand flew up in the air and seemed to point directly at them.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” the second guy shouted and shoved the first man out of the way as he bolted for the front doors.
The first man hit the coffin with a thud and I sucked in my breath as I watched it teeter on the stand. Finally, the man stabilized and ran after his buddy, who threw open the front doors of the worship space.
A second later, alarms went off all over the church.
Chapter Fifteen
I jumped up from the choir loft and vaulted over the railing, pausing only long enough to snap a picture of Ted before heading for the back door. I heard Ida Belle and Gertie bumping along behind me as I ran down the hallway, the alarm making my pulse race and my ears ring.
“Wait!” Ida Belle yelled halfway down the hall. “We can’t go out the back door like this. Old Lady Fontenot will be out there with a camera and a spotlight. I guarantee it.”
“You got any better ideas?” I asked.
“We had a backup plan,” Ida Belle explained and motioned to Gertie. “Hurry up!”
Gertie pulled three Mardi Gras masks out of her purse and tossed us each one.
“This is your backup plan?” I asked.
“You got anything better?” Ida Belle shot back.
I pulled the mask on and took off for the back door, too pissed off that I didn’t have a backup plan and not about to admit it. I only hoped Old Lady Fontenot was slow with her camera aim. I paused long enough to unlock the back door and wave Gertie and Ida Belle out before sprinting down the steps behind them. No use taking the time to lock the door behind us. That cat was sorta out of the bag.
No sooner had we reached the edge of the alley than a spotlight hit me right in the face. I ducked out of the beam of light and a flash went off, catching me right in the eyes again.
“I got you dirtbags!”
Partially blinded by the spotlight and the flash, I stumbled across the alley, blinking to clear my vision, and snatched the camera right out of the woman’s hand. Clearly, she wasn’t expecting a direct attack because she never moved an inch from that spot, either before or after I grabbed the camera from her. She was still standing there, staring after us as we rounded the corner of the alley and ran into the swamp.
As soon as I hit the tree line, I pulled off the mask and flung it into the brush, but the path through the swamp wasn’t nearly as easy to traverse in the pitch dark and at a run as it had been walking with a penlight. The branches ripped at my arms, and I knew that despite wearing a long-sleeved shirt, I’d have the scratches to show for it in the morning.
I was pretty sure we were almost at the clearing where we’d left my Jeep when Gertie, who was running in front, tripped and fell flat on the path. Ida Belle, who was running with an odd stride and apparently unable to control her forward momentum, kept running right over her and out into the clearing. I skimmed to the side of Gertie’s prone figure and hesitated for a moment, deliberating between checking her pulse or just hauling her up.
Figuring I was going to have to haul her up either way, I skipped the pulse part and pulled her up by her shoulders. She wobbled and slumped, only half-conscious as I dragged her into the clearing and tossed her over the side of my Jeep and into the backseat. Ida Belle was already in the passenger’s seat, so I jumped in and we hauled butt out of the clearing and straight toward Ida Belle’s house.
“She got a picture of us,” Ida Belle said, sounding somewhat frazzled.
“Not exactly,” I said and tossed the camera in her lap.
She looked down at it and started laughing. “You stole her camera?”
“Took it right out of her hands. Those masks weren’t going to fool anyone.”
“No, but I’m not sure taking her camera will solve the problem either. She knows Gertie and I well enough to know our clothes.”
“Does your fireplace work?”
“Sure.”
“Then we’ll burn them as soon as we get to your house.”
“What about yours?” she asked.
“Everyone in the world owns jeans and a black T-shirt. You and Gertie are the only people in existence who would insist on wearing slacks and printed blouses to commit a crime.”
Ida Belle crossed her arms across her chest. “It was a
church
. It would have been disrespectful to wear jeans or sweats.”
I shook my head. As long as I lived, I was certain I would never understand Southern manners.
Ida Belle was silent for a moment, then finally said, “I don’t blame those guys for freaking out. What the heck is up with Ted’s body?”