Swallows and Amazons (8 page)

PIRATES (
singing
).

Talkers talk and takers take,

You won't remember us when you awaken.

TITTY.

Um, excuse me, I'm awake!

PIRATES.

You think you're awake but you're very mistaken,

It's a dream.

TITTY.

It seems so real.

PIRATES.

A simple mistake anyone could be making,

Can't you see we're fantasy,

We're fanciful, fictional, all in your mind.

PIRATE 2 (
speaking
). You can tell by the weight it's something worth having.

PIRATE 1. Nobody will find it now. We'll come back when the fuss has died down.

TITTY (
singing
).

But tell me, if you don't exist,

How come we're having this weird conversation?

PIRATES.

Listen, missy, it's like this, we

Only exist in your imagination.

TITTY.

Yes, I guess that would explain

Why you are singing and dancing and making

All the strangest transformations,

Fanciful, fictional, all in my mind…

(
Speaking, in her sleep
.) Nobody will find it now…

No… Poor Roger. Poor Roger.

She sleeps on
.

Scene Three

Daybreak
. TITTY,
curled up in the
Amazon,
gradually becomes aware of voices, as
Swallow
approaches
.

JOHN. It's definitely Amazon. She's not drifting. She's at anchor.

SUSAN. How strange. I don't believe there's anybody in her.

TITTY
suddenly raises her head over the gunwale
.

Titty!

JOHN. Titty! But… Are you on your own?

TITTY. Yes. I captured her. I captured
Amazon
! JOHN. Hurrah!

SUSAN. Well done, Titty! Well done!

ROGER
's head appears from inside
Swallow
for a moment
.

ROGER. Titty? Where? Oh, yes. Hello, Titty.

He disappears again and goes back to sleep
. JOHN
brings
Swallow
alongside
Amazon. SUSAN
grabs
Amazon
's gunwale
.

JOHN. However did you do it? Where are the Amazons?

TITTY. They've got our camp. They've got Wildcat Island. I'm really sorry. I couldn't help it. There was an owl and I thought it was you, and then I lit the lights and they…

JOHN. It doesn't matter, because we've got their ship.

SUSAN. So we win. We just have to get her into the harbour.

JOHN. Well done, Titty. What a first-rate sea dog you are!

TITTY. And I used the leading lights to row through the rocks. And I rowed out here and dropped anchor. And then I… I must have fallen asleep, and then I heard these…

JOHN. But
Amazon
is our prize. That's all that matters. (
Glancing at
SUSAN.) That, and that we're all safe.

SUSAN. Yes. Especially that.

JOHN.
Swallow
is flagship after all. Titty, I'm coming aboard.

JOHN
climbs aboard
Amazon.

Now then, Able Seaman, will you take the tiller to sail her across? She's your prize, you know.

TITTY (
amazed
). Really? Me? I mean, aye, aye, Cap'n!

She takes the tiller
.

JOHN. Are you ready, Mister Mate?

SUSAN. Ready, Captain.

JOHN. Then let's sail our fleet into port.

They sail towards the island
.

Song – ‘Conquering Heroes, Victory Chorus'

SWALLOWS.

We are conquering heroes,

We are famous explorers,

We are mighty conquistadors,

And what's more we've won the war.

They are close to the island and can see the
AMAZONS
more clearly
.

SUSAN (
speaking
). Look! Look!

JOHN. What are they doing?

SUSAN. It's one of our blankets. They're waving it.

TITTY. It's a white flag. They're surrendering.

ROGER. It's not very white.

TITTY. It's meant to be.

JOHN. We'll soon find out.

TITTY. Cap'n Nancy looks like she's doing another war dance.

ROGER. Perhaps she needs the toilet. I do.

SUSAN. Be quiet, Roger.

SWALLOWS (
singing
).

We're the kings of the castle,

We have done the impossible,

We have captured the
Amazon
,

And now that's done we've won the war.

The
AMAZONS
are at the lookout point, jumping up and down
.

JOHN (
shouting across
). Do you surrender?

NANCY. We do. We do. We jolly well do. But buck up.

PEGGY. Buck up, won't you?

JOHN. No trickery?

NANCY. Honest pirate.

JOHN. Honest Injun too?

PEGGY. Honest anything you like, just bring her in.

JOHN. We'll take her into port. We only win when she's in our harbour.

NANCY. Put your back into it, Mister Mate. Wave it harder.

PEGGY. How come it's me who has to wave the white flag?

NANCY. Captains don't wave white flags.

PEGGY. Yes they do. It's captains who do the surrendering. It was your silly plan that lost the war.

NANCY. Silence, swab, or I'll hang you from the yardarm.

PEGGY. You wave it. Take the shame, Captain Nancy.

The fleet heads for the harbour
.

SWALLOWS (
singing
).

We are conquering heroes,

We have two, you have zero,

It will go down in history,

A famous naval victory for the
Swallow
,

Swallow
!

Scene Four

TITTY
sails
Amazon
into the harbour
. SUSAN
brings
Swallow
in behind her. The
AMAZONS
clap, and help to pull the boats in
.

JOHN. Captain Nancy, which ship is flagship?

NANCY.
Swallow
is. And earned it. But do buck up. We're supposed to be in bed. We have to get home before we're called for breakfast or we'll really catch it.

SUSAN. Oh, I see. Sorry.

JOHN. You'll never do it.

PEGGY. Yes we will. The wind's fair and it's getting stronger.

NANCY. The sun's only just rising and Dad and Mum are lazyboneses in the holidays.

The
SWALLOWS
disembark
. TITTY
is last
. NANCY
shakes her by the hand
.

By thunder, Able Seaman, I wish you were in my crew. When I realised what you'd done all on your own, I could have swallowed the anchor.

TITTY. Anyone would have done the same.

NANCY. Not in that storm. Peggy wouldn't.

PEGGY. Yes, I would, if I had to.

NANCY. You would not. She was scared to death of that thunder.

PEGGY. I still would have done it.

NANCY. Jelly-guts.

PEGGY. Blabbermouth.

NANCY. Milksop.

PEGGY. At least I knew there was someone on the island. I said there was but she said…

NANCY. Silence your scurvy tongue or I'll hang you from the yardarm!

SUSAN. Have you got time for some tea?

NANCY. Wish we had, but we'd better get under way.

NANCY
and
PEGGY
board
Amazon.

JOHN. But what was your plan?

NANCY. I'll tell you later. It was a good one.

SUSAN. I hope you don't get into terrible trouble.

NANCY. We won't. We're old hands. We jump into bed with all our clothes on and pull the covers up high.

PEGGY. And I pretend to snore.

TITTY. I'll get the painter!

TITTY
unfastens the painter
.

ROGER. But you will come back, won't you?

NANCY. Try stopping us. Now that we've settled who's flagship, we're ready to attack Captain Flint. We're yours to command, Commodore John.

JOHN. Fleet assembles at eleven hundred hours. We attack the houseboat today!

TITTY. Hurrah!

ROGER. And make him walk the plank!

PEGGY. We've stockpiled ammunition. Wait till you see what we've got.

NANCY. Firecrackers and arrows! Lots of them!

JOHN. Ammunition! Why didn't I think of that?

SUSAN. We'll collect feathers for your arrows.

TITTY. And pine cones for cannonballs.

ROGER. And I'll make spears!

PEGGY. We'll be back as soon as we're in the clear.

JOHN. I'll work out a plan of campaign.

NANCY. He'll curse the day he was born!

TITTY. Swallows and Amazons for ever!

ALL. And death to Captain Flint!

The
AMAZONS
have worked their way out of the harbour, and they sing
‘
The Amazon Pirates
'
as they sail away
.

SUSAN. Good luck!

NANCY
's voice can just be heard
.

NANCY. Watch it, Peggy, you donkey. Keep her steady.

Scene Five

In the camp
, SUSAN
is tidying up the breakfast things
. TITTY
is counting pine cones into a pan
. JOHN
is at the lookout point, scanning the lake through the telescope
.

TITTY. Twenty-one, bang! Twenty-two, boom!…

ROGER
arrives with a stick twice as big as himself. He charges up to
SUSAN,
letting out a war cry
.

ROGER. Ahhh…!

SUSAN. Don't be silly, Roger.

ROGER. This is my invincible spear!

SUSAN. Just put it back where you found it.

TITTY. Twenty-six. That should blow him to smithereens!

JOHN. Ship ahoy!

ROGER. They're here! They're here!

TITTY. At last!

ROGER
runs to
JOHN.

ROGER. I see them!

JOHN. But… No. It's not them. It's not
Amazon
.

ROGER. But it's coming here.

JOHN. Yes, but it's a rowing boat. It looks like a barbarian.

ROGER. Barbarian! Barbarian!

JOHN. In fact… it really looks like… a policeman.

ROGER
charges to the camp
.

ROGER. Policeman! Policeman!

SUSAN. A policeman?

TITTY. Coming to our island?

SUSAN. Quick – clear up this mess. Titty, tidy your hair. Roger, stand up straight and try to look like you haven't done anything.

ROGER. I haven't done anything.

JOHN
joins them
.

JOHN. He's landed.

SUSAN. Oh, John, you don't think…

JOHN. Mother? But she couldn't have found out so soon.

SUSAN. And she wouldn't have sent a policeman, would she?

The
POLICEMAN
walks into the camp. He is sweating after the long row, and looks very annoyed
.

Good morning, Officer. Would you like some tea?

POLICEMAN. No, I would not, miss. I'm here on a very serious matter. Too serious for tea.

JOHN. What is it?

SUSAN. Did our mother send you? Because we know we…

POLICEMAN. I shall ask the questions, thank you very much.

ROGER. You're welcome.

POLICEMAN. Now then. (
Taking out a notebook
.) Are there any more of you?

JOHN. No. It's just us four.

POLICEMAN (
writing
). ‘Us four…'

TITTY. Actually there are lots more of us, spread all over the island and…

SUSAN. Be quiet, Titty.

POLICEMAN. And what are you doing here, I should like to know?

JOHN. We're camping. This is our camp.

POLICEMAN. Names?

JOHN. I'm John Walker. This is Susan, Titty and Roger.

POLICEMAN. Address?

TITTY. Here. We live here.

SUSAN. We're staying at Jackson's Farm with the Jacksons. Our mother is there.

ROGER. And Fat Vicky. She's the baby.

POLICEMAN (
writing
). ‘Fat… Vicky…'

JOHN. Mother knows we're here.

POLICEMAN. And where were you last night?

Pause
. JOHN
and
SUSAN
look at each other
.

JOHN. We were on the lake. At least…

SUSAN. It was the storm, you see. We couldn't get back so we had no choice, we had to…

POLICEMAN. You were out on the lake?

TITTY. Yes. But I was in a different boat.

ROGER. She was in
Amazon
.

POLICEMAN. So you admit that you were out on the lake all night?

JOHN. Yes. But…

POLICEMAN. And you had no adults with you?

SUSAN. No. But…

JOHN. I say, what's this about, Officer?

POLICEMAN. A crime was committed on the lake last night.

SUSAN. A crime?

POLICEMAN. And you have been named as chief suspects.

TITTY. What?

POLICEMAN. A crime involving trespass… a crime involving vandalism… a crime involving theft.

JOHN. Theft?

All the
SWALLOWS
speak at once
.

But we've never taken anything that didn't belong to us.

SUSAN. We wouldn't dream of stealing.

ROGER. We're not thieves.

TITTY. We've never stolen anything in our lives.

POLICEMAN (
shouting above them
). Quiet!

They fall silent
.

Thank you very much.

ROGER. You're welcome.

JOHN. Officer…

POLICEMAN. I shall have to go and speak to your mother, and then I shall want you to answer some more questions. Down at the station.

The
SWALLOWS
are shocked
.

TITTY. You can't do this.

POLICEMAN. Oh, I can do whatever I like, young miss. Especially when I've been woken up at five in the morning and had to go rowing up and down this lake and chasing after youngsters who ought to be kept indoors. I want you off this island and back at Jackson's Farm. Understood?

JOHN. Yes.

The
POLICEMAN
goes to his boat. He takes out a large white sign and a mallet. He walks back into their camp and fixes the sign into the ground. The sign reads
‘
No Children
'.