Final y, she couldn’t take it anymore.
“Jack?” she said in a smal voice.
“Hmm?” he answered, staring ahead.
“What’s going on?”
He let out a breath, and took his time before answering. When he final y opened his mouth, she was downright nervous.
“I think I’ve been too careless with you,” he said.
Selena waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s the quality of your life we’re talking about here,”
he said, frowning at her. “I meant everything I’ve said to you about it, but my attitude has been undermining how seriously I want you to take this. Sometimes I think I use humor as a crutch because it’s safer than intimacy, but it’s a chicken shit way to go. I real y put the ‘Jack’ in jackass sometimes.” He almost smiled, turning his eyes ahead again.
“The fact of the matter is I’m real y very good at reading people, and circumstances too. That’s why I can get away with being a scoundrel sometimes. But I won’t make any jokes now. I think the road you’ve been heading down is going to kil your spirit. I’m not saying you should chase perfection. There’s no such thing. But the least you can do is find some balance in your life. Honestly, I know it’s none of my business, but I can say with reasonable certainty that you are never going to be on equal footing with that man you are with. I’m not just saying this because of how I feel about you, and because I’d give my right eye to replace him. In fact, I’l even let you in on a secret. I know Dan is a good guy. He wants al the best things for the people he cares about. I know I razz him, but I don’t have a problem with him. Not real y. But I do have a problem with him being with you. I think he’s so obsessed with protecting you that eventual y he’l lock you up and throw away the key, especial y after this incident. I think you’l waste away until he can’t recognize the thing he wanted to keep safe so bad. And what happens then? I wouldn’t be surprised if he just moved on, but it’s more likely he’d stick around forever because of his fixation. Whether he stays with you or not, you won’t be the same person. You’l be living under a crushing weight of unhappiness and you’l feel just as lost as you do in this forest. I don’t want that to happen whether I earn the right to be with you or not, and I’m sorry I made it sound so trivial before.”
Selena mul ed over his words in sadness. She’d been having her attacks in the Crater, she was terrified of what Dan was trying to build, and when they were together she sometimes felt that he was either distant or smothering.
He was like a towering bonfire on a cold night. If you stood too far, you’d freeze. Too close, you’d burn. The world moved him like the wind moves the flames, and Selena imagined herself trying to chase that comfortable place forever in its endless dance.
She tried to envision living on the road with Jack.
The circumstances were fuzzy, but the idea of traveling was achingly good. He was a clever free spirit. She was a cautious one. Could they be just the right balance for each other? Selena was past pretending she didn’t find Jack al uring, both in personality and appearance. As for safety, his sisters seemed to have done alright with him, although he had hinted that Loraine had been through things. She wanted to ask him about it, but decided the mood was heavy enough for now.
Jack didn’t ask for a response from Selena, which was just as wel . She was ful of turmoil as they rode.
That evening was much more peaceful than the last.
They’d found themselves at the top of a cliff with a steep drop that opened an excel ent view of the land beyond. It seemed as though they had wound up deeper into the hil s than they should have been.
They settled down to take in the striking view of the sunset over the miles of earth that sprawled boldly before them.
The broad sky and wide vista helped Selena breathe a little easier. Jack’s somber mood stil hadn’t cleared, and it was so hard to adjust to that she could hardly think about anything else. He wasn’t just serious. He was withdrawn. Selena realized that this was a rare opportunity to get an honest conversation out of him, since his antics and mischief were merciful y dormant.
“Who is the oldest?” she asked casual y.
“Loraine. Amy is the youngest. She was born some
“Loraine. Amy is the youngest. She was born some years after us.” His feisty smile crept up a bit. “Little hel -
raiser when she was a kid.”
“Did you have any other siblings?”
“Nah, just the three of us. That’s about al I can handle anyhow,” he said, the distant expression returning.
“It must take a lot of work to keep them out of harm’s way,” she hinted.
“Now you know why I had to learn to think ahead,” he told her, sounding tired.
Selena thought for a while.
“What happened to your parents?”
“Our mom was a diabetic. She ran out of insulin. There was nothing we could do.”
“I’m sorry. That’s terrible,” she said. Her mother had told her about the disease. It was a painful way to die.
“What about your dad?”
“He ran out on our mom long before the Crash. I don’t real y remember much about that. Hit Loraine pretty hard, though. She was about nine. Never forgave the guy for abandoning us. Took it personal y. That’s part of the reason why she’s stayed with me al this time.”
Selena watched his face careful y. She couldn’t be sure, but she thought she spied an expression of guilt.
“Amy, on the other hand, couldn’t be more ready to let us be on our merry way,” he went on, more lightly. He final y looked at Selena and smiled. “She finds Cal downright bewitching. Swears he’s the one and only man of her life. It’s been crazy to see. She’l usual y bite any man’s head off for just looking at her. There’s no way she’s leaving here.”
Selena smiled back, feeling strangely connected to how emotional y comfortable he was about it. For her part, she was looking forward to watching Cal and Amy blossom as a couple. A pretty, spunky girl like Amy seemed like just the right kind of partner for Cal. He didn’t need a pushover.
He needed someone who would chal enge him and adore him at the same time. Her thoughts quickly returned to what Jack had said about Loraine. She felt an irresistible desire to know more.
“What about Loraine?”
“What about her?” he said wistful y.
“She’s never met anyone she wanted to be with?”
Jack shook his head. “She humored a couple of guys when she was younger, but nothing worked out. She’d always come back crying.”
“Did she know them wel ?”
“Wel enough, I thought. We weren’t moving around as much in the beginning. She had time.”
“So this is what you meant when you said she had the same problems I did?”
Jack nodded slowly.
“What did you do?”
“What I had to do. When they’d come looking for her, I’d tel them to fuck off. Never ceased to amaze me how they thought they could lie.”
Selena mul ed it al over for a while, sensing there might more to this.
“Did she ever talk to you about ... what went wrong?”
He shook his head and his eyes scanned the land as though he couldn’t real y see it. “There were a couple of times I felt like I needed to get away from having to worry about her.” He sighed and closed his eyes. His face had surrendered to an expression of pain.
“You couldn’t save her.” Selena guessed.
“Al I ever saw was the aftermath,” he admitted heavily.
It was quickly becoming clear why he felt a continuing need for freedom. The reality was that he’d never been free from his heavy responsibility for his sisters.
She herself couldn’t imagine living under that weight, and it was clear he had been punished for trying to find a reprieve.
It was hard to see Jack in pain like this, but while this sorrow stil seemed contrary to his nature, she knew now that the troubles that bore it were precisely what shaped that nature. She found herself compel ed to comfort him, and scooted to his side to place a hand gently on his shoulder.
“It’s not your fault we live in unfair times,” she whispered.
“Life isn’t about what happens to you,” he answered stoical y. “It’s about what you do with what happens to you.”
He looked at her with an admiring smile. “That’s where your life is a triumph.” The smile fel and he looked away. “And that’s where my life is a tragedy.”
Selena shook her head, struggling with his distant sadness. She found herself wanting to reach him and reassure him that he was only human.
He turned to look deeply into her eyes. “I swore I’d never slip again, or let my guard down for the safety of the women I love. And I mean to stand by that oath.” Then, again, he couldn’t hold her eyes. “But sometimes, Selena, I’m afraid I’l fail.”
Unable to help herself, she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his shoulder. For a man like Jack to expose his feelings so openly this way was a wonder in and of itself. To have been saddled with the sole responsibility of protecting two women would have to weigh hard on any man. The fact that the three of them were alive spoke miracles of his competence. She wasn’t sure how to tel him that without sounding like she was just trying to make him feel better.
“I think you have a lot to be proud of,” she murmured.
That night, Selena awoke to Jack’s gentle kiss, and tugged him in closer without thinking. His hard, muscular body settled against her, and his weight felt good.
She wrapped her arms around him and ran her hands up and down his back, tipping her mouth up and giving her lips to his freely. His tongue was warm against hers, and she felt her own heat rise in response to his need.
He slipped a hand beneath her shirt and ran it up slowly. She waited impatiently, and it seemed to take forever before he slid it to cover her round breast. He did just what he had said earlier, holding her there while he kissed her more deeply than ever. She arched her back against him, wil ing him to explore her, just as he’d predicted. He laughed softly and denied her what she wanted, so she wrapped her legs around him, pul ing his hips in tight against hers. She could feel his hardness pressing pleasantly between her legs.
He pul ed himself away, but only to reach his other hand slowly down to unbutton her jeans. She moaned with impatience as he felt along, sliding his fingers first along the creases of her thighs. She whimpered, arching her hips up in frustration.
“Shh,” he whispered, putting his lips softly to hers in an act of infuriatingly gentle reassurance. Then he reached in further, sliding his hand down her tantalized flesh, but he didn’t stroke her. There too, he merely held her, pressing the whole of his hand against her.
She ground her teeth before he kissed her again, coaxing her lips to part for him. Every part of her was in his hands, and being kissed that way was more than she could hands, and being kissed that way was more than she could stand. She whimpered again, more loudly, but it just went on and on. His hands were warm, firm and stil while his mouth alone acted out his intention.
“What do you want?” he whispered when she’d al but forgotten her name.
“You know what I want,” she begged without a shadow of pride.
He kissed her some more. “I want to hear you say it.”
“I want you to ...” she started, not sure of the words.
He interrupted her with another kiss, and kept at it until she had to tear her face away to gasp, “I want you inside me!”
“With my name,” he grunted, pressing his fingers down into the soft folds of her flesh and squeezing her just once. At the same time, his hand final y gave her breast a single rub.
Selena squirmed desperately and cried out. “I want you inside of me, Jack! Please Jack, please! I want you inside of me!”
“I can’t say no to that,” he murmured, pressing his lips against hers again and again. “I’m going to give you what you want, Selena.” His hands began to work against her in earnest, and they were blindingly capable. She came under his deft fingers. They were wasted on his guitar. He played with her, eliciting more feeling than he could ever pul from an instrument, and possibly more sound, too. She trembled and shook with his every move.
When he was satisfied with her complete surrender, he pul ed his hands out from under her clothes to take his time tugging her pants down.
Selena was urgently hungry for him, and he was taking just a little too long to give her what she wanted.
When her pants were off, he lay down atop her again.
Only then did he reach down to open his own.
Selena tried to look down to see him, but he caught her chin with his free hand and pul ed it up.
“Look at me,” he instructed. “Beg me for what you want.”
“Please,” was al she could manage before he kissed her again. “Please,” she breathed.
Then she felt him press into her opening, but just barely.
“More?”
“Yes! Please. More!”
He thrust in just a little further, and her flesh was suddenly stretched tight. It hurt, just a little, and it didn’t matter that she couldn’t have been wetter.
“More?” he chal enged, stil looking into her eyes.
“Yes,” she begged, trying to pul him against her.
He pushed in a little more and she felt stretched further stil .
Selena gasped and tried to look down, but he stopped her again, holding her eyes.
“More?”
She nodded.
“Say it,” he demanded. “Keep saying it.”
“More. I want al of you,” she whispered.
He thrust again, sinking deeper into her soft flesh.
“More,” she whispered again. “More.”
Deeper he went. “That’s it,” he encouraged as she begged for it.
When he’d fil ed her completely, she winced at the pain as he kept pushing further.
“What’s wrong?” he rasped, holding himself there.
“It hurts,” she answered quietly, wishing he would move inside her.
“Why? Tel me why.”
“You’re too much, Jack. I can’t.”
“It’s okay,” he assured her, grasping both her taut breasts and pressing his mouth against hers. He final y began to rock against her, and every part of her felt undone.