Surrender in Silk (20 page)

“You passed the physical with no problem,” Winston said, then flipped back a couple of pages. “You heal pretty fast for an old man.”

“Thanks.” Zach shrugged. “I owe it all to my clean living.”

And Jamie. She’d taken care of him, fixing healthy meals, encouraging him to exercise. Together they’d worked out their own physical-therapy program.

“You want to know what the psychiatrist had to say?” Winston asked.

“Not really.”

“He thinks you’ve got a death wish.”

There’s a news flash, he thought grimly. “What’s your point?”

Winston lowered the papers to the desk. “Do you?”

Zach moved toward the desk and lowered himself into one of the leather chairs there. He leaned back, then placed one ankle on the opposite knee. “Every assignment is a death wish. Going out in the field is inherently risky. Some people come back, some people don’t. What your mental friend didn’t like was that I’m not afraid to die.”

Jamie had been right. It was easy to risk it all when he had
nothing worth losing. That didn’t take courage. Courage was standing up for a belief. Being terrified and doing it anyway. Risking heart and soul when there was every chance they would be rejected and trampled. Dying was easy—it was the living that had him stumped.

Winston flipped through more pages of a report, then nodded. “I have an assignment for you. High risk. Volunteers only. You interested?”

High risk. More than fifty percent probability of not returning.

There was no reason not to take it. He’d healed physically. His body was as strong as ever. But he wasn’t whole on the inside. The ache in his chest never went away. Nights used to be worst; now the days were getting to him. He’d spent the past couple of weeks at the cabin trying to sort it all out.

But the cabin was no longer a sanctuary. Now it held Jamie’s essence. The memories of their times together were a constant taunt.

Jamie loved him. He had no doubt about that. He loved her, perhaps more than he’d ever realized. His life was empty without her. He saw her everywhere, he heard her voice, he ached for her.

Yet he still hesitated. Because he didn’t want to screw this up. He wanted to do what was right for both of them.

Should he just let her go, knowing that she would forget him and find some normal guy to make her dreams come true?

He closed his eyes against the image, but it came to him anyway. The picture of her with someone else. Someone who didn’t understand what she’d been through. How would this guy know what she was thinking? How would he know what to say when the nightmares came? How could he lovingly touch the scars on her body and heal them if he didn’t know how they got there in the first place?

What about his dream? What about the child—the daughter—he’d seen? Would Jamie have that child with another
man? Would the young girl call another man daddy, ride his shoulders, smile up at this stranger? Would Jamie give herself completely? Would she grow to trust this man as she had once trusted Zach? The image of that pierced him more deeply than any knife ever had.

No one would ever love Jamie as much, never love their child as much, Zach thought. Seven years ago, he’d let her go. How could he have done it again? Hadn’t he learned anything?

“Zach?”

He looked at his boss. “Not interested.”

Winston raised pale eyebrows. “There’s a first.”

“Prepare yourself for another one. I’m resigning.”

Winston had the courtesy to look as if he’d just been shot. “Resigning? From the agency?”

“It’s time.”

It
was
time. He finally saw that. It wasn’t all because of Jamie, although she deserved most of the credit. He’d finally come to the realization he could no longer live in the shadows. Even if she didn’t want him, he wasn’t going back. She’d shown him he still had a slim grasp on his humanity. She’d shown him about the healing power of love. Even without being with her, he would continue to love her, and that would be enough.

“I don’t know what to say,” Winston told him.

“Wish me luck. I’m going to need it.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to live, or at least try to.”

Zach shook his head. He didn’t have a clue where to start. He wanted to find Jamie, wherever she was, confess all and beg her to take him back. What kept him in his seat was the realization it had been weeks and he hadn’t heard from her. She was probably doing fine without him. She deserved better than he could offer.

“I can’t believe I’ve lost two of my best agents in the same month.”

“Who else quit?”

“Jamie Sanders.”

“She did that weeks ago,” he said.

Winston leaned back in his chair. “She officially left right after she rescued you, but a few days ago I tried to entice her back with a promotion and a desk job. She wasn’t interested.” He glanced at Zach. “I don’t suppose I can talk you into it?”

“No. I’ve got better things to do with my time.”

“Now
you
sound like Jamie.” Winston dropped the file and stared at him. “I couldn’t find her for several weeks. You wouldn’t happen to know where she was hiding out, would you?”

Zach shrugged as if the matter didn’t concern him.

“I see.” Winston nodded. “Or I should have seen. Then again, I guess it’s not my business.” He wrote something on a piece of paper and handed the sheet to Zach.

“What’s this?” Zach asked as he read an address in San Francisco.

“Just saving you some time.” He rose to his feet and held out his hand. “I’ve enjoyed working with you, Zach. Stay in touch, okay?”

They shook warmly. “I’ll be around,” Zach promised, and walked out of the office.

As he waited for the elevator, he studied the address. God, he missed her. He’d never lived with a woman before. Hell, he’d never lived with anyone. Not since he was a kid. Somehow she’d woven herself into the fabric of his life. He couldn’t escape her any more than he could escape his own skin.

The elevator doors opened, and he stepped inside. He’d created an impossible situation. Did he go to her and confess all? Did he risk his heart and soul knowing they might never be up to the task? Could he deal with the truth—that he could
love her for the rest of his life and it still wouldn’t be enough to make up for what he’d done to her? Would she take him back, knowing he didn’t deserve another chance?

He stood alone in the elevator and realized this was what it would be like for the rest of his life. Empty space. He’d always lived that way—never letting anyone inside. Never having the courage to care. Only with Jamie could he be a part of something.

The elevator doors opened, and he walked out of the building and onto the street. Crowds of people surrounded him. He grasped the paper in his hand. He had nowhere else to go. He was too old and too broken to face the rest of his life alone. No matter what it took, he was going to convince her to give him another chance.

On the morning of the sixteenth day, Jamie awoke with a prickling feeling on the back of her neck. At first she didn’t know what it meant. Then she didn’t dare believe.

She showered, curled her hair and then carefully applied her makeup. She was getting pretty good at it. This time the eyeliner only smudged a little, and she corrected the mistake with a brush of a damp cotton swab.

Outside, the sky was clear, the sun bright. She dressed in shorts and a cropped T-shirt, then pulled out the coffeepot. There would be two for breakfast.

While the coffee perked, she went to her balcony and settled down to wait. The prickling might be completely wrong. There was no reason he would have changed his mind. She didn’t believe in miracles anymore, but what else could it be? She didn’t know how long it would take or why he was coming. She only knew he was on his way.

As she sat in the chair, she automatically slowed her breathing. Her mind was alert, listening to sounds. Her muscles tensed and released so they wouldn’t cramp. She could sit like this for hours if necessary.

She didn’t think it was going to take that long.

Forty minutes later, she heard an odd clicking in the hallway outside her apartment. Then a knock.

Her heart pounded like a jackhammer. Her palms grew damp and when she stood up, her legs trembled. She made her way to the door. Caution dictated that she look out the peephole, but she knew who was standing on the other side. She knew everything about him—how he looked, how he sounded, the taste of his skin, the sight of his pleasure. She even knew his deepest fears. What she didn’t know was why he’d come back to her.

She opened the door. No one was there. Jamie frowned, then a whimper caught her attention. She glanced down. A golden retriever pup stared up piteously. Big brown eyes met her own, and the fuzzy tail started to thump against the floor.

Jamie looked for someone, but the hallway was empty. She stared at the pup. The animal whimpered again.

“What’s the matter?” she asked softly, holding out her hand and letting the dog smell her fingers. She was rewarded with a wet kiss.

“Are you all alone?”

The puppy whined.

“Oh, you’re scared.” She crouched down and gathered the shivering dog in her arms. The puppy wiggled as if trying to get closer. It reached out and licked her chin. Jamie laughed.

“I knew you two would get along.”

She started at the sound of a voice. Her eyes closed briefly as she absorbed the sound of him. A deep breath brought her his scent. He was still the best; she hadn’t heard him approach.

She rose slowly to her feet. Zach stood in front of her in the hallway. He wore jeans and a dark blue T-shirt that emphasized his strength. Hunger filled her. Hunger fueled by love long repressed. She wanted to throw herself at him, but
she couldn’t move. She couldn’t do anything but stand there and feel the pleasure of looking at him again.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi, yourself.”

There was an awkward pause as she absorbed the thrilling sight of him. He gave her a quick smile. “You cut your hair. You look great.”

She clutched the puppy closer, grateful she had something to keep her hands busy. She didn’t want Zach to know she was shaking. “Thanks.”

He swallowed. “You’re probably wondering why I’m here.”

In her heart she knew. Maybe she’d always known; maybe it was a miracle. But she needed him to say the words. Her battered heart and soul needed the soothing balm of his confession. “Why don’t you tell me why.”

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, as if he, too, were nervous. She nuzzled the puppy’s soft fur. The animal had relaxed in her arms and was dozing off.

“What was that question you asked, the one about turning back time?”

She remembered the question. She remembered everything about being with him. Her heart tightened as she dared to hope. Surely he wouldn’t have come all this way just to tell her he still wasn’t interested.

They were standing half in, half out of her apartment, but she didn’t dare interrupt him to invite him in. She wanted to hear what he had to say first.

“If you could turn back time,” she said. “If you could go back seven years, what would you do differently?”

His dark eyes brightened with a fire she’d never seen before. “I finally have an answer.”

“Tell me,” she whispered.

“I’d say I don’t know how to be all those things you need me to be, but that I’m willing to learn. I’d say that I’ve never
loved anyone before, and it terrifies me. But it’s easier to be scared with you than without you. I’d take you in my arms and never let you go. I’d promise to love you for as long as I have breath, to the best of my ability. I’d promise to love you more and better each day. I can’t live without you, Jamie. You’re my whole world. I’m not the best guy around. You can do a lot better. I may never be normal, but no one can love you more than I do.”

She threw herself at him. The puppy was in the way, and she couldn’t wrap her arms around him, but it didn’t matter. He caught her hard against him and pulled her close. The sleeping dog barely stirred.

“I love you,” she said.

Then he kissed her, and she couldn’t talk at all. Not that it mattered. The sensation of his mouth on hers was more perfect than any words.

His hands roamed her back. She leaned against him, not wanting the moment to end, not caring that she felt tears on her cheeks. It felt so right to be with him.

“Are you sure?” she asked between kisses.

“More sure than I’ve ever been. Are
you
sure? I’m bound to screw this up at first.”

She smiled. “I don’t mind.”

Zach motioned to the puppy in her arms. “I bought a dog.”

“He’s pretty cute.”

“He’s a she. I’ve had her a couple of days. She doesn’t have a name yet. I thought you could think of a good one.” Zach shrugged. “I figured even if you didn’t want to talk to me, you wouldn’t turn away an innocent puppy.”

She looked at him and smiled. “Stacking the deck in your favor?”

He didn’t return her smile. Instead, his expression became very serious. He brushed the tears from her face. “I would have done anything to win you back, Jamie. Anything.”

“I’m glad.”

The puppy stirred sleepily. He stroked her head. “I’m a lousy single parent,” he said. “We need help, Jamie. We need you.”

She leaned against him. “You’ve got me, Zach. For always. I still love you. Nothing can change that.” She handed him the sleeping pup, then pushed open the door and invited him inside. “I’m impressed by your commitment,” she continued. “I only had the courage to buy a houseplant.”

He wrapped his arm around her. “I thought we could practice on the puppy, then when we’ve got this family thing figured out, we could try the real thing. That is, if you want to.”

“Kids?” she asked.

He nodded.

She felt more tears against her cheeks. Zach understood everything. “I’d like that,” she said, her voice husky.

He set the puppy on the sofa. “I think she’s going to sleep for a while,” he said.

Jamie smiled. “Really. What did you want to do while she was resting?”

He cupped her face and kissed her gently. “Live a miracle.”