Sunshine and Shadows (26 page)

"We have to talk." Jay stood and, with an air of deliberation, took the first-aid kit out of her hand, setting it gently on the bed.

"Please go away."

"Lisa, I'm not the same person that I was when I was seventeen years old. I've changed for the better. I've paid my debt to society. Can't you understand?"

"You've paid your debt to society, but how about to Megan? Can you give her back her life, Jay?"

He winced. "Of course I can't. But I've paid and I've paid. Because of all that community service work I did, I've found a niche working with kids who don't have much of a chance in life. Maybe I've given children like Connie and Mike, Ruy, Felipe and Alejandro a little bit of what they need to make it. I hope I've helped to
save
a few lives."

Lisa waved him away impatiently. "You're full of baloney, Jay. Now will you leave, or must I? I don't care to be in the same room with you." When he didn't move, she walked around the bed and out of her room. He caught up with her halfway down the hall.

"It's no small thing to give disadvantaged, high-risk children an opportunity to express themselves and vent their frustrations through creativity," he said heatedly.

"Oh, you're a real saint, all right," Lisa said through gritted teeth. She hurried into the kitchen and found her purse, realized that all her money was in her wallet on the dresser in her bedroom and headed down the hall again, with Jay in hot pursuit.

"Lisa, I look the same as I did yesterday, I act the same and I love you as much as ever. Why should my admission make things different? I told you because I wanted to be up front and honest. Can you at least give me credit for that?"

"No," she said, dumping her wallet into her purse.

"Haven't you ever made a mistake, or are you always perfect?" he asked in desperation.

Her eyes pinned him for a brief moment. "I never killed anyone," she said, taking off down the hall again.

"How long do I have to go on paying for a mistake I made when I was seventeen?" he asked, following on her heels at a fast clip.

"Until you bring Megan back to life, and even you, the self-proclaimed savior of I don't know how many children at the Faith Mission, can't do that." She fished her keys out of the side pocket of her purse. She rushed through the kitchen and out the door to the garage, where she opened her car door and got in.

"Lisa!" he called after her as she backed out. "Wait!"

She slowed the car and rolled down the window. "By the way, Jay, Adele doesn't know you killed her daughter. She'll be home in a couple of hours, so why don't you wait around and tell her all about it? That'll save me the trouble."

When she drove away, he was standing in her driveway staring after her as though his heart were broken.

Lisa drove around for an hour or so until she'd calmed down, then headed for Yahola. She had things she could do at the mission today, and it would be quiet in her little office off the kitchen without Sister Clementine and Sister Ursula raising their usual clatter.

The kitchen and dining hall were deserted, as she'd known they would be, but Lisa stared at her computer screen for a long time before she pulled up the menus for next week. Concentration did not come easily, and it was a struggle to think about such minor details as how many pounds of ground turkey to order.

She rubbed her eyelids with a thumb and forefinger. She'd hardly slept at all last night, and now she kept seeing Jay's haggard face in front of her eyes and hearing his despondent voice in her ears. She wasn't sure why, but she felt guilty for saying so many sarcastic things. Her guilt didn't change things. She still couldn't marry him.

How could she marry Jay Quillian now that she knew who he was? But should she
try
to come to terms with what he had done?
Could
she?

She had thought that she'd loved Jay more than it was possible to love anyone. He had been everything she had ever wanted in a man and more. When she thought of how tenderly he touched her, about the soul-stirring kisses they had shared, she couldn't believe that he was the killer of her best friend.

Yet he had admitted it himself, and she couldn't ignore the fact that he had concealed his past. What other secrets did he have? How could she ever trust him? All their dreams of marrying, establishing a home, having kids... all gone now. He had killed their dreams just as he had killed her best friend all those years ago.

Suddenly she was furious with him. In a healthy fit of anger she picked up the stapler from her desk and threw it with all her might against the wall. It left a gouge in the paint, which made her feel better, but only momentarily.

In a minute or two she was overcome with despair and slumped over her desk, burying her face on her folded arms. She felt as though a cold hand around her heart were squeezing the tears out one by one.

* * *

When Lisa arrived home later, she found herself in the middle of an unexpected battle.

She noted with relief that there was no sign of Jay, but she heard Connie's and Adele's raised voices in the kitchen when she was still in the garage.

"I don't want to go see Nina," Connie said. When Lisa went inside, Connie was sitting at the kitchen table, her arms folded across her chest, and she was scowling at Adele.

"You know you're supposed to go on alternate Sundays. It's an agreement Sister Maria made with Nina," Adele said patiently. She was stirring a package of cherry Jell-O, Connie's favorite kind, into a bowl of hot water.

"That's right," Lisa told Connie, sitting on a chair beside her. "I remember that you agreed with Sister Maria that you would visit Nina every other Sunday if you could live with me."

"Jay will be here to pick you up in half an hour," Adele reminded her.

"He will?" Lisa said.

"Yes," Adele confirmed. She said in an aside to Lisa, "He's not coming in the house, he says."

Lisa stood up. "That's good," she replied. She turned back to Connie. "Connie, go get ready. No nonsense. You're responsible enough to live up to your agreement, and that's what Adele and I expect you to do."

"I can't stand Nina yelling at me," Connie said unhappily.

Lisa's heart softened toward her. She gave the girl a quick hug. "We'll talk it over with Sister Maria, okay? But this time, you really must go, and besides, you want to see the boys, don't you?" she said.

"I guess so," Connie said reluctantly.

"Now run along," Lisa told her. "Adele and I have things to discuss."

Adele sat down at the table. "Jay sounded awful when I talked with him early this afternoon," she said, taking in Lisa's puffy eyelids.

Lisa sighed. "I saw him this morning, Adele. He came over while you and Connie were at church."

"Isn't there some way—"

"No," Lisa said, and she felt the set of her jaw stiffen. She didn't relish telling Adele what she was going to tell her after Connie left.

"I'm ready to go," Connie said, marching into the kitchen with an air of resignation.

"And you look very nice, too," Adele said in approval of Connie's new skirt and blouse, which Adele had helped her choose on a recent shopping trip.

"Can I wait here for Jay? I'll be able to see his car through the window when he comes down from the driveway."

"Sure," Lisa told her. Connie sat down on a chair and began to swing her legs back and forth.

"Do you remember what the sermon was at church today?" Adele asked after a time.

Connie thought for a moment. "About forgiving people," she said.

"Right. I thought it was a good sermon, didn't you?"

"Kind of," Connie said.

They heard Jay's car in the driveway, and Connie jumped up.

"You might think about forgiving Nina for the way she's treated you," Adele said gently, clearly catching Connie by surprise.

Connie seemed to think this over. "Uh—maybe I will. Lisa, is it okay if I talk to Jay about why you're not going to get married?" she asked.

Lisa passed a weary hand over her eyes. "I wish you wouldn't," she said.

"Okay. Maybe you'll tell me later, right?" Connie asked hopefully.

"Maybe," Lisa said.

Lisa held her breath until Jay's car was gone and then she looked bleakly at Adele.

"I wish I didn't have to tell you this," Lisa said. And then she leaned over the table and told Adele about Jay Quillian and how he had wrought havoc in their lives.

* * *

It was about ten o'clock that night when Jay brought Connie back from Yahola, and although Lisa heard him walk Connie to the door, she stayed in her bed until she was sure he was gone. She and Adele had both retired early; Lisa was exhausted, and Adele was still distraught.

"I can't believe that Jay Quillian could be the same person," Adele had said over and over after Lisa had told her. "I simply can't believe it."

But Lisa finally convinced her, and then Adele had slipped into a morose mood and retreated to her room.

After Jay had brought Connie home and after Lisa had gone into Connie's room and been assured that she'd enjoyed her visit with her cousins and that Nina had been civil, Lisa listened outside Adele's door and finally pushed it open.

"I'm awake," Adele said in a subdued tone, and Lisa went inside, shutting the door behind her. The small lamp on Adele's dresser was lighted, and the room was quiet and dim. Adele had changed into her nightgown and her favorite old bathrobe, and she was lying on the bed.

"Sit down," Adele said, indicating the rocking chair where she often sat beside the window. Lisa sat and began to rock. The motion was soothing.

"Connie is about the age my grandchild would be if Megan had lived and had a baby right after she got married. Megan wanted babies more than anything in the world," Adele said. Her voice was quiet and wistful.

"I know," Lisa said. When they were in high school, Megan's idea of an exciting way to spend Saturday mornings was to visit the hospital's newborn nursery and stand in front of the glass window marveling at the babies so sweet and tiny in their little bassinets.

"Is Connie all right?" Adele asked.

"She says she is."

"How about you?" Adele asked.

"I wonder if I'll ever be all right again."

"I know the feeling," Adele said. It was quiet for a time, and finally it was Adele who spoke first.

"Do you still love Jay?" she asked.

Lisa stared out the window at the night. "How can I love him? He killed Megan."

It was silent for a long time. "That wasn't my question," Adele reminded her at last. "I asked if you love him." She spoke gently and thoughtfully, as though she had considered the words for a long time.

Lisa took her time answering. "I don't know," she whispered.

Another pause, and then Adele said in a small voice, "How can we expect Connie to forgive Nina if we're not willing to forgive Jay?"

They stared at each other, listening to the insects beating their wings against the window in frustration.

* * *

Lisa didn't see or talk to Jay all week. At the mission, he was invisible. At home, she refused to take his calls.

"Aren't we going to give Jay the new puppy, Lisa?" Connie asked plaintively on Thursday.

Lisa had forgotten that she and Connie had an appointment to see the puppies.

"I don't want to see Jay," she said. She had been adamant about this.

"But he's having a
birthday,
" Connie said. "How can we ignore his birthday?"

"It would be easy for me," Lisa muttered.

"I want to give him a present. How much will the puppy cost? I could pay for it with the money I saved in my stuffed rabbit," Connie said.

"The puppy won't cost much, it's not pure bred, but I don't think you have enough."

Connie's face fell. "Oh. Well, maybe Sister Maria will give me an advance on my allowance. I
have
to give him the puppy, Lisa. Jay is so lonely without Hildy. But how will I get to see the puppies and pick one out? I don't know where the place is, and how would I get the puppy home all by myself? And how will I give it to Jay?"

"I'll take you to buy the puppy, Connie," Lisa said with a sigh. "I won't go back on my word. I'll even make up the difference if you don't have enough money."

Connie thanked her with a swift hug. "Now we have to decide if we want a girl or a boy puppy. Do you think—"

Lisa tuned out Connie's excited ramblings and told herself grimly that somehow she would live up to this commitment, that she wouldn't poison Connie's mind against Jay, that Connie was lucky to have Jay and that she would never interfere with their relationship. But it was hard to hold her tongue.

The next evening, Lisa drove Connie to see the puppies. In spite of herself, Lisa fell in love with the one that Connie picked out. It was a female with curly taffy-colored fur, big chocolate-brown eyes and a lively disposition. She ended up paying most of the price of the dog herself. It was worth it, she told herself, for Connie's sake, because Connie fairly bubbled with happiness all the way home.