Sunlight on My Shadow (11 page)

The next day Dad called Regina to tell them I had a doctor’s appointment. This was the last truth he told those nuns at Regina Dominican. We took the thirty-minute drive to downtown Chicago via Edens Expressway riding in silence, except for the one question Dad asked when we got in the car.

“Judith Ann, how could you let this happen?”

“I don’t know.” Then the mind chatter gave me a beating. “I don’t know? Oh, that was an intelligent and clever answer.”

As I watched the rails of the expressway slide by, the posts one by one, I wondered how I could let it happen. What was I thinking? I obviously wasn’t thinking. Well, it was a mistake. If the rubber hadn’t broken, if the party wasn’t held on the day I was spitting an egg, if I hadn’t drunk Love Potion No. 9, if I hadn’t met Mick…. I hated my weakness and lack of self-control. A wave of shame washed through me and tightened my breath.

I wondered if I really was on my way to getting an abortion. It sounded so violent. Deep inside, I felt the roll and kick. It’s no lump; it’s a baby. It was too big and too real to snuff away. I felt an urgent need to find a toilet.

We pulled into the underground parking on Wabash Avenue and took the elevator up to the fourteenth floor. I found a bathroom next to Dr. Keller’s office and poured everything out of me. Once inside the examining room, the nurse instructed me to take off my clothes, handed me a folded white-and-blue striped gown, and left the room. I wondered if “take off my clothes” meant take off everything. It must. “I hate this,” I thought. The gown had strings on the neck. I wondered if I should tie it in back or front. I tied it in back to cover the important parts in front. The back flap opening allowed cold air to waft around my bareness. Then I wondered if I was supposed to sit on the chair or the examining table. I stepped on the stool and scooted back on the crinkly white paper that covered the table. I sat upright with my legs dangling down. Steel stirrups protruded from the bottom corners of the table. I knew what they were for, and I didn’t like it. Shaking from the draft that swirled around, I wrapped my arms around my body and noticed a chart on the wall. It was a side-cut view of a woman’s belly with a baby curled inside. I wondered how the head ever squeezed through that tiny tube to make its way out.

The door swung open. It was Dr. Keller. “Hello, Judy. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Let’s take a look. Can you lie down?”

I lay back and let my legs hang over the table. I felt vulnerable and naked. Dr. Keller tapped on the pillow at the other end. “Judy, can you scoot your head up here?” I scooted up so that my legs were on the table. When he leaned over me, I could see the hairs in his nose. He had short brown hair, green eyes, and was of small stature. His expression was serious but soft with kindness. He put his hands on my bare belly and gently pushed the mass from side to side. He took out a tape measure and stretched it lengthwise across my belly. When he read the hatch mark, his eyebrows lowered and he shook his head.

He put his hand behind my neck and said, “You can sit up now, Judy.”

I was relieved that I didn’t have to put my feet in those steel things.

“Well, Judy, there’s no sense doing a pregnancy test. You’re well along, I can see that. Do you know when you had your last period?”

“I know when I conceived the baby, if that helps,” I said. I was proud that I knew this. It obviously showed that I had only one boyfriend and we didn’t just have sex all the time.

“Well, that won’t be necessary; we go by the last period.”

He reached into a drawer and pulled out a white cardboard wheel.

“Do you know when that was?”

“September fifteenth.”

Dr. Keller spun the little cardboard wheel, read it, and recorded something on my chart.

“Judy—if, after all this is over, you need some birth control pills, you can contact me.”

“Oh, I won’t need those,” I said. “I’m not allowed to see my boyfriend.”

“Well, that’s fine and good, but maybe when you get to college or sometime later you might need them. I just want you to know that’s available to you.”

I was insulted by this. Didn’t he know I learned my lesson? I wasn’t ever going to have sex again until I was married. I was done with the black feelings of remorse and impurity. I thought his offer unnecessary.

How naive I was to think I would abstain from sex until marriage. Dr. Keller knew better. Several years later, it would be seeing Mick again that prompted me to take Dr. Keller up on his offer.

“Why don’t you get dressed and then come into my office? We’ll meet your father in there and talk about this.”

The nurse led me into the office. The doctor’s desk had pictures of his darling and innocent children. I thought they probably wouldn’t be the type to screw up like I had. The nurse went to the waiting room to get Dad. He walked in, looking at the floor, and settled in the chair. I could see the last bit of hope lingering on his face.

Dr. Keller came in, shook Dad’s hand, and said, “Hi, John. It’s good to see you. I wish it was under better circumstances.”

“Yeah, me too, Doc. What did you find out?”

Dr. Keller walked around the desk and sat behind it.

“John, I’ve examined your daughter. She is definitely pregnant and well along. I don’t think it would be a good idea for her to have an abortion.”

“Come on, Doc. If you can’t do it is there someone else who can?”

“Oh, no, John. That’s not the point. She measures twenty centimeters, which means she is over five months along. It would be too dangerous for her. If she was under twelve weeks, it might be a different story, but at this point it would be very unwise.” They were talking about me like I wasn’t even there, which was fine with me. I wanted to pretend that too.

With the doctor’s words, a quiet sigh released the knot in my gut. I knew I was too far gone. I couldn’t bear an abortion after feeling the baby kick and move inside my belly. And yet I knew that I would have done whatever my father said. I felt like I forfeited my rights about the time I missed my first period. Dr. Keller was a good man and Dad trusted him.

“Well, what the hell do we do now?” Dad asked.

“Well, John, she’ll just have to go ahead and have the baby.”

“Holy Christ, that’s a helluva note.”

“John, there are homes for unwed mothers that might be able to take her. She could go away, have the baby, give it up for adoption, and then come home when it’s all over. Nobody has to know anything about it.”

“Where are these places? I never thought I’d be sending my child to a place like that.”

“If you’d like, I can do some checking on it and get back to you. There are several homes in Illinois and Wisconsin.”

“I’d appreciate your help on this, Doctor. Give me a call when you find something out.”

Dad was deep in thought with one hand on the wheel and a scowl on his face. After we turned onto the expressway, Dad cleared his throat and said, “You know, Judy, if you’d come to us sooner we would’ve had some options.”

“I was too scared to tell anyone.”

“That was a mistake.”

That was that. I regretted that I didn’t tell Dad sooner. He would have helped me take care of this situation, but I kept holding out and praying that I would miscarry on my own. We drove the rest of the way in a crushing silence. I couldn’t wait to get home and get out of the car. But yet, I was feeling relieved that the doctor visit was over and my secret was out. I was not going to have an abortion, and I was done keeping the lie for now.

My relief was short-lived as my mind took hold of a frightening thought.

What if my secret had slipped out and everyone at school now knew about me? How would I ever face my classmates? They’d be saying things like, “Did you hear about Judy Liautaud? She’s pregnant. Oh my gawd, I can’t believe it.” The gossip would spread like flies on road kill. I would go down as the slut of the class of ‘68.

The next day, Dad had a plan that would protect me from the disapproval of my peers and the nuns at school. The plan would cover my ass and all the other asses that were related to me.

It stung my tender spot for Mick when Dad said, “If he was any kind of a man, he would be here.” Maybe Mick was lily-livered. Yet I could understand Mick’s reluctance to face my dad. If there was any way I could have skipped the Come-to-Jesus talk, I would have done it, too. With Dad’s plan to keep his parents out of it, Mick could just stay hidden. I imagined him flirting with girls in his class, free as a bird as he flitted among the flock to find a new chick. Maybe he had one already. I imagined his parents thinking, “Ah, what a good boy we have, so responsible with his good grades,” when in reality he had gotten some girl pregnant and off she went into the abyss.

As I built resentment toward Mick, my allegiance switched to my parents. I was giddy and light that I had come clean and my dad was going to find some kind of solution for me. I had hurt them enough. I would do whatever they wanted now. For the first time in a long time, I felt like everything was going to be okay. I couldn’t wait to tell Mick he was off the hook. He would be happy about that.

That day at McDonald’s when I first told Mick I was pregnant, I somehow expected him to fix it for me. Instead, he was quiet about it and didn’t seem to want to talk about where we would go from there. At no point did he ever say, “Hey, we have to talk to someone about this. We have to figure this out.” Instead, we just let it sit there for five months like a festering wound right between us.

Our last conversation was a sorry good-bye …

I went up to my bedroom, closed the door, lay down on my bed, and called Mick.

“Guess what?” I said. “I finally told my parents about the whole thing. I’m so relieved.”

“Already? What happened?” he asked.

“My dad freaked out. He wanted me to have an abortion, but the doc said I was too far along.”

“So will you have the baby then?”

“Yeah, there isn’t much else I can do.”

“How’d your dad take it?”

“He thought it was the worst thing I could have done. It was really scary. But it’s over now. I’m glad it’s out in the open and I don’t have to hide anymore.”

I suddenly felt chilly and asked Mick to hang on. I leaned over the bed and switched the electric blanket to high.

“What did your dad say about me? He must think I’m a real schmuck.”

“Yeah, he’s mad. I think he blames you, but I told him you didn’t force me into anything. It’s my fault as much as yours.”

“Is your dad going to contact my parents, then?”

“No, he wants to keep them out of it. He says the fewer people who know, the better.”

“Really? You mean he’s not even going to tell them?”

“Nope. He doesn’t want you to tell them, either.”

“Well, does your dad want me to do something?”

“Nope.”

“I can’t believe this. I thought he’d call us over there to talk about it.”

“Nope. My dad just wants my family to handle it amongst ourselves.”

“Man, this is awful. I don’t know what to do.”

I was surprised that Mick wasn’t jumping out of his skin with relief that he had a one-way ticket out.

“What’s so awful?”

“Well, keeping me out of this. I feel shut out.”

“You could have come with me to talk to my dad.”

“But I didn’t even know you were going to tell him.”

“You knew I had to tell him sometime, didn’t you?”

I was starting to feel the heat radiate through the bedspread. I kicked off my shoes and crawled under the spread.

“I suppose. I wish I had someone to talk to,” Mick said.

“About what?”

“Well, you know, someone to talk this over with.”

Then I heard his voice all choked up, like he was starting to cry.

“Why do YOU need someone to talk to? It’s all taken care of. You don’t have to do anything.”

“But you have your parents and I have no one.”

Now I could definitely hear him crying. I was surprised by his reaction. I had never heard him like this before.

“Geez, Mick. What’s the big deal? I thought you would be glad about not having to get yelled at by my dad or be forced to marry me or something worse.”

“I just feel so alone. I wish I could talk to somebody,” Mick said.

“You’re talking to me.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

More sobs. I thought he should be laughing, not crying. He was getting off scot-free. I held the phone away from my ear. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t see how he could be crying when he could just turn the page and be done with all this. I put the phone back to my ear.

“Mick, I’m sorry you feel so alone, but this is just how it is.

You’re lucky you can just go on like nothing ever happened.”

“Well, what about us?” he said.

“I think US is done for. My dad made me promise to never contact you again.”

“He actually said that?”

“Well, yeah. He said, ‘I forbid you to ever see that boy again.’”

“He called me a boy?”

“Yeah, he was just angry.”

Through the phone, I could hear someone moving pots or dishes in their kitchen. I thought it must be Mick’s sister, because he wouldn’t be talking like this if it was his mom or dad. Besides, they would be at work now.

“Can I call you later, in a month or two?”

“No, Mick. I have to do what my dad said. I have already made my parents sick with worry.”

“So, I guess this is the end,” Mick said.

“Yeah, Mick. I’m sorry, but I’m tired of sneaking around. It could never be any good between us.”

“I ‘spose so,” he said in a choked-up voice. “If you want it like this.”

“It’s not me who wants it. I’m just going along with the plan.”

“I’m sorry it happened like this,” Mick said.

“Me too. I better hang up now,” I said.

“OK, but can’t I call you just once?”

“No, Mick. Please don’t try. I’ll get into more trouble.”

“OK, then. I guess it’s good-bye,” Mick said.

“Bye,” I said. “Don’t worry. I’ll be okay. My dad and mom will be taking care of everything.”

“Bye,” he said, and waited for me to hang up.

I put the phone on the cradle.

I folded over and pulled the bedspread to my neck. My throat was tight with stabbing pain. I cried deep wet tears for the loss of Mick. I felt so sad for him: sad that he was ousted, and sad that he wasn’t glad about being out of the picture. I really thought he would have felt released. Man, if I could have just walked away from this nightmare, I would have done it in a minute. I felt so sorry for our aloneness. I remembered the night we first met and how I wouldn’t have thought in a million years that it would ever turn out like this. All I saw that night were starry bursts of rapture. I longed for the days when we were young and innocent and just in love. I rolled over and hugged myself into a little ball, wondering what was going to become of me—and knowing that whatever it was, I would do it alone.