Authors: Danielle Steel
“And then what?” She looked up at him miserably from the bed. “Then what do we do? I can’t do this anymore, Marc. I can’t play the game.”
He was tempted to say “What game?” to deny it all. He said nothing, and Deanna went on, looking directly into his eyes as she spoke. They looked troubled and a little too full.
“I want to know what you feel, what you think, what you’re going to do. What’s going to be different for me, other than the fact that we no longer have Pilar. I want to know if you’re going to go on seeing your mistress. I want to know all the things you think it’s rude to say. Say them now, Marc. I need to know.”
He nodded silently and walked to the other side of the room, looking out the window toward the gently rolling hills. “It’s not easy for me to talk about those kinds of things.”
“I know.” Her voice was very soft. “Half the time we’ve been married, I’ve never been sure if you loved me.”
“I always did.” He spoke without turning around, and all she could see was his back. “I always will love you, Deanna.”
She felt tears sting her eyes. “Why?” She could barely say the word. “Why do you love me? Because I’m your wife? Out of habit? Or because you really care?” But he didn’t answer, he only turned to her with a look of intense pain on his face.
“Must we do this? Now … so soon after Pilar’s … death?” Deanna didn’t speak. His whole face had trembled as he spoke of Pilar. “Deanna, I—I just can’t.”
Without another word he strode out of the room, and she next saw him, with his head bent, walking in the garden. Her eyes filled with tears again as she watched him. The past few days felt like the end of her life. For a moment she didn’t even think of Ben. Only Marc.
He did not return to the house for an hour, and when he did, he found her asleep. There was still a look of exhaustion around the black-circled eyes. For the first time in years, she was wearing no makeup, and in contrast to the raspberry silk bedspread he thought her face looked almost green. He wandered back into the main hallway and into a study beyond. For a moment he sat there, staring at the phone. And then, as though he had to, he started to dial.
She answered on the third ring. “Marc-Edouard?”
“
Oui
.” He paused. “How are you?” What if Deanna woke up? Why had he called her?
“You sound odd. Is something wrong?”
“No, no. I’m just very tired. We both are.”
“That’s understandable. Have you talked?” She was relentless. It was a side of Chantal he had never known.
“Not really. Only a little.”
“I suppose it’s not easy.” He could hear her sigh.
“No, it’s not.” He paused. There were footsteps in the hall. “Look, I’ll call you back.”
“When?”
“Later.” And then: “I love you.”
“Good, darling, so do I.”
He hung up with a trembling hand as the footsteps approached. But it was only the caretaker, come to see that they were comfortably settled. Satisfied, the man went away, and Marc sank slowly into a chair. It would never work. He couldn’t keep up the charade forever. Calling Chantal, pacifying Deanna, flying back and forth between California and France, hiding and excusing, and showering them both with guilt-inspired gifts. Deanna was right. It had been almost impossible for years. Of course Deanna hadn’t known then, but now that she did, it made everything different. It made him feel so much worse. He closed his eyes, and his mind went immediately back to Pilar, to the last time he had seen her. They had walked on the beach. She had teased him and he had laughed, and he had made her promise to be careful with the motorcycle. Again, she had laughed. … The tears flooded his throat again, and suddenly the room was filled with the sound of his sobs. He didn’t even hear Deanna come in, catlike, on stockinged feet. She went to him slowly and held his shivering shoulders in her arms.
“It’s all right, Marc. I’m here.” There were tears on her face as well, and he could feel the warm wetness through his shirt as she rested her cheek on his back. “It’s all right.”
“If you only knew how I loved Pilar. … Why did I do it? Buy her that damned machine! I should have known.”
“It doesn’t matter now. It was meant to be. You can’t do this to yourself for the rest of your life.”
“But why?” His words shook with pain as he turned to look at his wife. “Why her? Why us? We already lost two boys, and now the only child we had. Deanna, how can you bear it?”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “We don’t have any choice. I thought—I thought I would die myself when the two babies died…. I thought I couldn’t go on another day. Each day I just wanted to give up, to hide in a corner. But I didn’t. I went on … somehow. In part, because of you. In part, because of myself. And then we had Pilar, and I forgot that kind of pain. I thought—I thought I’d never feel that way again. But now I remember what it’s like. Only this time it’s so much worse.” She lowered her head, and he reached out and took her in his arms.
“I know. If you knew how I wish now that we had had those sons. We have—we have no more children.” Deanna nodded silently, feeling more than ever the pain of his words. “I would do anything to—to have her back.”
They sat there for a long time, holding each other. At last they went outside for a walk. It was dinnertime when they came back.
“Do you want to go into the village to eat?” He looked at her with an expression of grief and fatigue, but she shook her head.
“Why don’t I make something here? Is there any food?”
“The caretaker said his wife left us some bread and cheese and eggs.”
“How about that?” He nodded indifferently. She took off the sweater she had worn on their walk, set it on a large Louis XIV chair, and headed for the kitchen.
She was back in twenty minutes with scrambled eggs, toast and Brie, and two cups of steaming black coffee. She wondered if they’d feel better after they ate, if it really made any difference. All week long, people had told them to eat, as though that would help. But she didn’t care anymore if she ever ate. She had made the dinner for Marc and because it gave them something to do. Neither of them seemed to want to talk, although there should have been a great deal to say.
They ate in silence. After the meal they drifted apart, she to the long halls and galleries to study the collection of paintings, Marc to the library. At eleven o’clock they went to bed in silence, and in the morning he got out of bed as soon as she stirred. It was eleven before either of them spoke. Deanna had just gotten up and was feeling queasy as she sat on a dressing-room chair.
“
Ça ne va pas?”
He looked at her with a frown of worry.
“No, no. I’m fine.”
“You don’t look it. Should I get you some coffee?” The very idea made her sick. She shook her head almost in desperation.
“No, really. Thanks.”
“Do you think something is wrong? You haven’t looked well in days.”
She tried to smile, but it was a futile attempt. “I hate to say this, darling, but neither have you.”
He only shrugged. “You don’t suppose you have an ulcer, Deanna?” She had had one after the death of their first little boy, but it had never recurred. She shook her head.
“I don’t have any pain. I’m just exhausted all the time, and now and then I feel sick. It’s just fatigue,” she went on, forcing a smile. “It’s no wonder. Neither of us has had much sleep. We’re both fighting staggering time changes, long trips, the shock…. I suppose it’s a wonder we’re still on our feet. I’m sure it’s nothing.”
But Marc wasn’t sure he agreed. He saw her sway for a moment when she stood up. Emotions could do strange things to one. It made him think of Chantal again as Deanna disappeared into the shower. He wanted to call her again, but she wanted reports, she wanted to hear news, and he had none to give her, except that he was spending a weekend with his wife—and they both felt like hell.
In the shower Deanna stood with her face turned up and the water racing down her back. She was thinking of Ben. In San Francisco it was two in the morning; he would still be asleep. She could see his face so clearly in his bed, the dark hair tousled, one hand on his chest, the other resting somewhere on her. … No, he was probably in Carmel, and she found herself thinking of their weekends there. How different it was from these days with Marc. It was as though she and Marc had nothing left to say. All they had was the past.
She turned the shower off at last and stood thinking for a moment, looking out the open windows into the garden as she dried herself with thick raspberry-colored towels. This house was a far cry from Carmel. A château in France, and a cottage in Carmel. Raspberry silks, and comfortable old wools. She thought of the cozy plaid blanket on Ben’s country bed as she caught a glimpse of the ruffled silk bedspread in the other room. It was like the contrast between her two lives. There, the simple, easy reality of life with Ben in his “democracy” where they took turns making breakfast and putting the garbage outside the back door; and here, only the eternal empty splendor of her life with Marc. She ran a brush through her hair and let out a long sigh.
In the bedroom beyond, Marc was reading the paper with a frown. “Will you join me in church?” He looked over the paper as she emerged from the bathroom, her robe firmly closed, and stood in front of the wardrobe. She nodded and pulled out a black skirt and a sweater. They were both wearing formal
deuil
, the solid black mourning still common in France. The only things she omitted were the black stockings, which her mother-in-law wore.
Deanna looked strangely plain in the unalleviated black, with her dark hair pulled severely into a bun at the nape of her neck. Once again she wore no makeup. It was as though she no longer cared.
“You look terribly pale.”
“It’s just the contrast with all this black.”
“Are you sure?” He stared at her for a moment before they left the house, but she only smiled. He acted as though he was afraid she were dying, but maybe he was afraid of that too. They had both lost so much.
They drove in silence to the tiny country church of Sainte Isabelle. Deanna slipped quietly into the pew at Marc’s side. The church, tiny and pretty and warm, was filled with peasants, and a few weekenders like them, down from Paris. She suddenly remembered that it was still summer, not quite the end of August. In the States it would soon be Labor Day, heralding the fall. Her sense of time had vanished in the past week. She could not keep her mind on the service. She thought of Carmel, and of Ben, of Marc, and then Pilar; she thought of long walks in the country as a child, and then she stared fixedly at the back of someone’s head. It was stuffy in the small church, and the sermon droned on and on. Finally, gently, she touched Marc’s arm. She began to whisper that she was too warm, but suddenly his face swam before her eyes, and everything went dark.
21
“Marc?” She reached out to him as he and another man carried her to the car.
“Quiet, darling, don’t talk.” His face was a pale, perspiring gray.
“Put me down. Really, I’m all right.”
“Never mind that.” He thanked the man who had helped him carry her to the car, and once more clarified their directions to the nearest hospital.
“What? Don’t be crazy. I only fainted because it was so hot.”
“It was not hot, it was quite cool. And I won’t discuss it.” He slammed the door on her side and got in behind the wheel.
“Marc, I will
not
go to the hospital.” She put a hand on his arm. Her eyes implored him, but he shook his head. She was a pale, opaque kind of gray. He started the car.
“I’m not interested in what you will ‘not’ do.” His face was set. He didn’t want to go to a hospital again, didn’t want to hear those sounds, or smell those odors around him. Never … never again. He felt his heart race. What if it were serious? What if she were very ill? What if. … He glanced at her again, trying to mask his fear, but she was looking away, staring out at the countryside. He glanced at her profile and then down at her shoulders, her hands, everything draped in so much black. Austere. It seemed symbolic of everything happening to them now, everything they said. Why could they not escape it? Why wasn’t this simply a weekend in the country, from which they would return relaxed and happy to find Pilar with that dazzling smile on her face. He looked over at Deanna once more, and let out a sigh. The sound dragged her eyes back from the road.
“Don’t be so silly, Marc. Really, I’m perfectly all right.”
“
On verra.
” We’ll see.
“Would you rather we just go back to Paris?” Her hand trembled as she rested it in his, and he looked sharply at her again. Paris—and Chantal. Yes, he wanted to go back. But first he had to know that Deanna was all right.
“We’ll go back to Paris once you’ve seen a doctor.” She was about to protest again, but a wave of dizziness swept over her. She put her head back on the seat. He looked at her nervously and stepped on the gas. She didn’t argue, she didn’t have the strength.