Authors: Julia Williams
Lauren was still smiling when she let herself in. As she absentmindedly tidied up toys in the lounge before going to bed, she thought to herself how much she had enjoyed Kezzie’s company. She realized with a jolt that apart from Eileen, she didn’t have many girlfriends. Those she’d made at uni had faded away after the twins were born, and her friends from home had all moved on. Despite the age difference between them, Claire had been a fantastic friend to her in the short time they’d known each other. It wasn’t just that they’d bonded over their children, Claire had been like the big sister Lauren had never had. But Claire was gone and had left a huge hole in Lauren’s life. No one could replace Claire of course, but Lauren hoped that she could become mates with Kezzie. It would be nice to have someone to share things with again.
Though it was late when Lauren went to bed, she felt unable to sleep. It felt strange without the twins in the house. It didn’t happen very often, but when her mum had the girls overnight Lauren missed them dreadfully. Added to which, whenever she shut her eyes a picture of Troy swam before her. To her annoyance, she realized half-forgotten desires were stirring. She’d put Troy firmly out of her mind for so long now, she’d convinced herself she was over him. But, dammit, there was a residual – who was
she kidding – a strong attraction still. They had chemistry, always had. And it was that whole free-spirit nonsense that had attracted her in the first place. Of course, Lauren thought she’d be the one to tame him. And of course she’d been wrong. But maybe this time he really had changed. He did seem more grown up somehow. But then again, did the leopard change its spots?
She slept late in the morning, luxuriating in a rare opportunity to lie in, and enjoying the comfort of her double bed with its fresh linen and bright flowery bedspread. One of the luxuries of living without a man was that Lauren revelled in having a girlie bedroom, which made her feel relaxed and homely. The rest of the house was the same. Though there was the inevitable clutter that came from having small children in the house, Lauren had paid a lot of attention to having the house decorated brightly, with cheerful curtains and comfy rugs on the floors. Even though it was a rented house, and she didn’t have much money, Lauren wanted her home to be bright and homely, and for the most part she felt it was.
Lauren made herself a cup of tea, and went upstairs to have a shower. She had just turned it on, when the doorbell rang. Thinking it was her mum bringing the girls home, she threw a towel around her and leapt down the stairs.
‘Hi, Mum,’ she said, flinging the door wide open. Then, ‘Oh––’
On the doorstep stood Troy with a bunch of flowers, and closely following behind, walking up the garden path, was Joel with Sam under one arm, and another bunch of flowers under the other.
‘Blimey. You wait all your life for men to bring you bunches of flowers, then two arrive at once,’ she said weakly.
‘Who’s he?’ they said simultaneously.
‘Joel, this is Troy, the girls’ dad. Troy, this is Joel, I look
after his son, Sam,’ said Lauren, feeling surreal. And then because she couldn’t think of anything else to say, added, ‘Would you both like a cup of tea?’
‘No, I’d best be off,’ said Joel, looking awkward. ‘I don’t want to disturb you when you’ve got guests.’
‘Troy’s not a guest,’ said Lauren automatically.
‘I just wanted to say sorry for being such a selfish sod yesterday. Here, take these, I hope you like them.’
Lauren leant forward to take the flowers. She was slightly staggered but pleasantly surprised that Joel had at least acknowledged he’d been a twat. As she did so, her towel came undone.
‘Oh, shit!’ she said, as she exposed herself to everyone in the Lane.
‘Nothing I haven’t seen before,’ said Troy, with a familiar look in his eye.
‘Now I really had better go,’ said Joel, looking mortified. Lauren pulled the towel tightly around herself again in confusion.
‘I knew you couldn’t resist me,’ continued Troy, as Joel walked away. ‘Is that cup of tea still on?’
‘Yes, I suppose so,’ said Lauren. ‘But I really am only offering tea.’
Joel, feeling like a total idiot after his botched attempt at apologizing to Lauren, went round to see Kezzie. She opened the door looking bleary eyed.
‘Mind if we come in?’ he said. ‘I just called on Lauren, only it seems she’s got – er – company.’
‘Who would that be, then?’ said Kezzie, frowning. ‘I saw her at the pub last night and we walked home together. She didn’t mention that anyone was coming round today. I didn’t think Lauren had a boyfriend.’
‘I don’t think she does,’ said Joel. ‘It was her ex.’
Kezzie whistled, ‘What, the one who left her in the labour ward?’
‘The very same,’ said Joel, unsure why he felt quite so uneasy about the sudden reappearance of Troy, or why the sight of Lauren’s naked body was making him feel all hot and bothered. From everything Joel had heard about Troy from Lauren, it seemed he could only be bad news, and the thought of him hurting Lauren again made Joel feel strangely uncomfortable.
‘Ouch,’ said Kezzie. ‘I hope she’s careful.’
‘Me too,’ said Joel, with feeling. ‘I went round to apologize for yesterday. You were right, I was out of order – and there he was in front of me. I could see I wasn’t wanted, so I thought I’d better scarper over here. Hope you don’t mind.’
‘No worries,’ said Kezzie. ‘I was just having breakfast. Coffee?’
‘That would be nice,’ said Joel.
He followed her into the small kitchen at the back of the house. It looked out onto a pretty garden with a patio, a small lawn and a greenhouse at the end. Though autumn was turning into winter, the pots were still overflowing with petunias, busy lizzies and pansies.
‘The garden looks great,’ he exclaimed, feeling really pleased that he’d got Kezzie involved in restoring Edward’s. ‘Your handiwork, I presume?’
‘Well, my aunt had the basics here. I’ve just had a go at making it a bit more homely. I’d take you out there, but these autumn mornings are a bit too chilly for sitting out.’
Sam was tottering about in the kitchen, and picked up a bottle of beer.
‘Oops,’ said Kezzie. ‘My house isn’t very toddler proof, sorry.’
‘It doesn’t need to be,’ said Joel, scooping Sam up as his son made a bid for the door and the tantalizing but
lethal-looking stairs. ‘Sorry, we’re not going to get much peace and quiet. Sam is a bit too much of a wrigglepot.’
As if to prove his point, Sam wriggled out of Joel’s arms and headed for the vegetable rack. He proceeded to cause chaos by throwing all Kezzie’s weekly veg on the floor. Joel picked him up and took him away and he started to howl loudly. Joel shrugged his shoulders helplessly. He felt that sometimes with toddlers it was just easier to stay at home.
‘I see what you mean,’ said Kezzie. ‘Why don’t we go out for a bit? I’d like to see the Memorial Gardens again. Eileen’s got me involved in their restoration too, and I need to have a look at them again before I get going.’
‘That sounds a great idea,’ said Joel, feeling hugely relieved. ‘I’m sorry, Sam can be a one toddler destruction machine in a small space.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Kezzie. ‘I’m not used to being around small children, and I keep forgetting the cottage isn’t really geared up for kids.’
Joel went to his car to pick up the buggy, and they walked down the hill, chatting away about the garden and the difficulties of dealing with toddlers. It was a cold, clear day, and Heartsease, with its pretty little shops, redbrick buildings and lovely nooks and crannies, spread before them looking so attractive, Joel had a sudden shot of pleasure that he’d chosen to make this his home. When they got to the park, Joel got Sam out of his buggy and he went toddling down the paths, while Kezzie looked around at the scrubby flowers and tried to work out what would be best for the borders.
‘Dadda, Dadda,’ Sam was shouting and laughing with his arms outstretched towards Joel, who ran towards him and swung him up into his arms. His son. His gorgeous son. The best present Claire could have given him.
‘Has no one tried to do anything about this before?’ Kezzie said to Joel as they surveyed the sad ruin of Edward Handford’s vision. The gardens were small, comprising a gated green enclave at the end of the High Street. From her research, Kezzie had learnt that it had originally been intended for the people of Heartsease for recreational purposes, and was only renamed the Memorial Gardens after the First World War. The presence of paths, laid-out borders and lawn were evidence of a previously well-tended garden. Now it looked abandoned and derelict, the empty plinth in the middle standing in lonely defiance.
‘That’s where the war memorial should be,’ said Kezzie. ‘Isn’t it a shame people always feel they have to graffiti things?’
‘I would have thought you’d be into graffiti,’ said Joel, ‘isn’t it art?’
‘Some of it is,’ said Kezzie, ‘but writing rude things about people you don’t like isn’t. And it seems disrespectful too. My granddad was in the war, so I always wear a poppy for him.’
‘I agree with you on that one,’ said Joel. ‘Do you know, I hadn’t even realized there was a war memorial till you mentioned it. I don’t come here that often.’
‘Not even to take Sam to the swings?’ said Kezzie.
Joel shrugged. ‘Have you seen them?’
Kezzie followed him down the furthest path, that led from behind the plinth towards some overgrown bushes. Behind the bushes there was a tatty play area, with an ancient rusty roundabout, two creaky swings and a slide that looked as though it might topple over if anyone actually tried to use it.
‘This is ridiculous,’ said Kezzie. ‘Don’t you guys
want
somewhere for the kids to come and play?’
‘I hadn’t really given it much thought,’ said Joel. ‘Until
recently, Sam’s been a bit small to take to the playground, and I’ve got plenty of room at home. I think Lauren comes down here, though.’
‘I bet she’d like a clean, safe place for the twins to play,’ said Kezzie. ‘Right. That’s it. I’m going to get on to Eileen about this the minute I get back. It’s time we shook this village up.’
Good as her word, once Kezzie was home, had said goodbye to Joel and grabbed a bite to eat, she was straight round to Eileen’s.
‘You’re absolutely right,’ she said, sweeping in. ‘Oh, you’ve got company.’
‘Just my son and family, and you’ve met Tony,’ said Eileen, smiling. ‘You can come and join us if you like.’
Kezzie felt wrongfooted. Until last night, when she’d seen Eileen out with Tony, Kezzie had pictured Eileen as a sad singleton. Here she was having a much livelier time than Kezzie, who spent Sunday evenings on her own.
‘Oh I couldn’t—’
‘Of course you could,’ said Eileen. ‘Pull up a chair, grab a glass of wine. This is my new neighbour, Kezzie. Kezzie, meet my son Niall, his wife, Jan, and my two scamps of grandsons: Harry and Freddy.’
Before long, Kezzie found herself telling them all everything she’d discovered about Edward Handford.
‘That’s fascinating,’ said Eileen. ‘I’ve not been able to find out a lot about Edward’s family, though I do know his son died in the war.’
‘Maybe that’s why Edward paid for the memorial,’ said Kezzie.
‘Could be,’ said Eileen. ‘It’s still sitting locked up in some council warehouse somewhere.’
‘Shocking,’ whistled Niall. ‘Was that the old memorial we used to play on in the park?’
‘The very same. We always used to attend the Remembrance Sunday parade with your dad and granddad. Do you remember?’
‘Yes, I remember,’ said Niall, ‘I can’t believe they’ve not put it back.’
‘Neither can I,’ said Tony. ‘I hadn’t realized it was an issue till Eileen raised it at a Parish Council meeting.’
‘What happens on Remembrance Sunday now?’ Kezzie asked.
‘Everyone goes into Chiverton,’ said Eileen. ‘They’ve still got their memorial. It’s a shame, I’d love us to have our own Remembrance Day parade here again. Particularly with Jamie going to Afghanistan after Christmas.’
‘Jamie?’ Kezzie said. She knew Eileen had a daughter, Christine, but hadn’t realized there was another son.
‘My youngest son, he’s in the marines,’ said Eileen proudly, holding out a picture of a handsome young man in uniform. He looked impossibly young to be going to war.
‘That must be scary,’ said Kezzie.
‘I try not to think about it, if I can,’ said Eileen. ‘Otherwise I’ll go mad with the worry of it. But he’s one of the reasons I want to restore the war memorial, to remind people it still goes on.’
‘Time to get ours back then,’ said Niall.
‘The summer fete next year is all in aid of restoring the garden and play area,’ said Eileen. ‘And we’re trying to pressurize the council to give us our memorial back. They say they haven’t got the money to restore it, so we’re trying to shame them into it.’
‘Surely we don’t have to wait for them to start tidying up the garden though?’ said Kezzie. ‘We should get cracking and dig over the beds before the winter sets in and it’s too cold.’
‘Oh, if I know the Parish Council, they’ll be still debating that next spring, won’t they, Tony?’ said Eileen.
‘Sad, but true,’ said Tony with a grin.
‘Time we took matters into our own hands then, isn’t it?’ said Kezzie, grinning. ‘Just as well I’ve had practice breaking and entering.’
‘So?’ said Troy, as Lauren came downstairs after she’d got dressed.
‘So what?’ said Lauren, as she put the kettle on, her embarrassment making her tetchy.
‘Have you thought any more about me seeing the girls?’
‘I’ve thought about nothing else since last night,’ said Lauren. ‘Look, you can meet them, but not yet. I need to sit down and talk to them about you. And we need to take it slowly. You can’t expect them to welcome you with open arms.’
‘Why? What have you said about me?’
‘Don’t flatter yourself,’ said Lauren. ‘I don’t talk about you
that
often. They know they’ve got a dad, but that you’re not around. Some of their friends are in the same situation and they know Sam hasn’t got a mummy, so they don’t ask a lot about you. But they’re likely to be shy, so don’t expect too much.’
‘So when can I see them?’
‘I’ll let you know,’ said Lauren, determined that if this was going to happen, it was going to be on her terms. ‘They’re going to be back soon, and I don’t want them to see you without any warning. So push off now, and I’ll give you a ring when you can come back.’
Troy got up slowly, as if reluctant to leave. He positively
oozed charm and sexuality and Lauren had to fight very hard to counteract the strong feelings of desire that were stirring within her.
‘And us?’
‘What about us?’ said Lauren. ‘There is no
us
. You made that quite clear four years ago.’
‘So I can’t hope for anything?’ He moved closer towards her. She could smell his aftershave; a musky smell that reminded her of the tangled beds, and lusty afternoons, they’d spent together in the heady days in her second term at university when they’d first known each other.
Don’t. Don’t think of that
. She forced herself to concentrate on something else, but Troy wasn’t making it easy for her.
He brushed his lips across hers, and the touch of his hands on her shoulders was enough to make her want to give in and pull him straight towards her. But looking over his shoulder and seeing the picture Joel had taken of the twins on their first day at school, brought her to her senses. A sudden vision of herself in a hospital bed, unable to move after a caesarean with two screaming babies in cots beside her, swam before Lauren’s eyes. What was she thinking letting him worm his way in here again? She had to be stronger than that.
‘No,’ she said, pushing him away firmly. ‘You can’t. You had your chance and you blew it.’
‘We’ll see,’ said Troy, blowing her a kiss as she bundled him out of the door. ‘I can be very persuasive.’
Lauren shut the door behind him and leant back against it, her heart pounding.
Joel came to pick Sam up after work, and for once he was not late. He was exhausted though; it had been a long and harrowing day as people had started to get wind of the planned cuts to services. Everyone was on edge, not just
about their jobs, but about the people they were going to have to let down. Joel had heard countless stories about vulnerable people being left without services they needed that day, and it was heartbreaking to have to tell people the cuts were going to have to come from somewhere. Sadly it didn’t look like they were coming out of the Chief Executive’s salary. As usual Joel had been in a hurry that morning, which had meant that there had been no time for either him or Lauren to mention the awkward scene from the previous day. He wasn’t sure who had been more embarrassed, Lauren or him, by their last encounter, so he decided the decent thing was to pretend it hadn’t happened.
‘Has Kezzie mentioned she wants to do up the Memorial Gardens?’ he said by way of conversation, as he watched Lauren change Sam’s nappy for the last time.
‘She did say something about it,’ said Lauren. ‘There, all lovely and clean, Sammy boy.’ She tickled his tummy and he giggled. Joel felt a spasm of envy. Lauren made it look so easy, but Joel still felt out of his depth when Sam was having a tantrum. He wished more than anything that Claire was here to tell him what to do.
‘We were talking about the playground as well,’ said Joel. ‘I hadn’t realized what a state it’s in. We think we should try and get that renovated too.’
‘Now that is a good idea,’ said Lauren. ‘The kids need a proper play area. I’ll have a chat with Eileen about it next time I see her.’
‘Great,’ said Joel. He looked closely at Lauren; she seemed a bit pale and withdrawn.
‘Everything all right?’ he asked.
‘Why wouldn’t it be?’ said Lauren, though she didn’t look great. There were dark circles round her eyes and she looked tired.
‘You look a bit worn out, if you don’t mind me saying,’
said Joel. ‘If it’s anything to do with what happened yesterday, I’ve forgotten it already.’
‘Oh, that,’ said Lauren, blushing puce. ‘No it’s not that. I just haven’t slept well for the last two nights.’
‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ said Joel. ‘I imagine yesterday was a bit of a shock for you what with Troy turning up out of the blue.’
‘Ah yes, the return of my wonderful ex, no I’m probably not OK, but I just have to work out how to deal with him.’ Lauren sighed.
‘I hope you sent him packing. He doesn’t deserve you,’ then, embarrassed, ‘Sorry, I’ve probably said too much.’
Lauren gave a sad smile.
‘No, you’re right,’ she sighed. ‘It’s not as easy as that though, is it? He wants to see the girls.’
‘Don’t let him,’ said Joel. ‘Why should he suddenly arrive and expect everything to be the way he wants it?’
‘I’ve spent the last two nights lying awake thinking the same thing,’ said Lauren. ‘But despite everything he
is
their dad, and they have a right to know him too.’
‘But he could let them down again,’ argued Joel, thinking privately that on past performance he was bound to.
‘He says he’s changed, and that he really wants to make it up to them. What if he has turned over a new leaf, and I send him away? I couldn’t do that to the girls. They deserve a chance to get to know their dad, however useless he may be,’ Lauren said.
‘Well, I think you’re being very generous to him,’ said Joel. ‘But make sure you call the shots. I really would hate to see you hurt.’
‘I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself,’ said Lauren, but her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.
‘Well if you need anything …’ Joel said awkwardly, picking Sam up and heading for the door.
‘… I know where you are,’ said Lauren with a half smile.
But as he got in the car, he turned to see her, looking lost and forlorn standing on the step. He had the uneasy feeling that Troy’s arrival was going to change everything for the worse.
‘So I hope you’re not going to let Troy see the girls?’
It had taken Lauren nearly a week to pluck up the courage to tell her mum that Troy had made contact, and now she was on the warpath. Their phone conversation had already lasted half an hour and was going around in ever decreasing circles. ‘When I think about what that man put you through, I could commit murder, I really could.’
‘Mum,’ warned Lauren. ‘Whatever you think of him, he is still the girls’ father. I just want to do what’s best for them.’
‘Hmpph!’ snorted her mum. ‘Letting them see Troy useless Farrell isn’t what I regard as best for them.’
‘Well, it’s not up to you, is it?’ said Lauren. ‘In fact, I’m not sure it’s up to me. I think I should explain it to the girls and see what they want to do.’
Lauren had spent the last week mulling over what to do, and she had decided this was the fairest conclusion. Troy had been ringing her incessantly all week, to the point where she’d switched off her phone, and was ignoring him. Her plan was to tell the girls at the weekend, and if they wanted to see him, invite him over.
‘So long as you don’t let him worm his way back in,’ said Mum. ‘That man is about as trustworthy as a snake. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’
‘I won’t,’ said Lauren. ‘But I will let him see the girls if they want to see him. For their sakes, not his.’
She put the phone down and started to get Sam ready
to go and pick the girls up from school. Maybe she should tell them now, and get it over and done with. They had to know sometime.
So on the way back from school, she suggested they go to Keef’s Café on the High Street for lunch, something she could rarely afford, but she thought the girls deserved a treat if they were going to find out about their dad. Smiling at Keith, who leant over and tickled the girls under their chins, she ordered the drinks and then went to find somewhere to sit.
‘I’ve got something special to tell you, girls,’ Lauren said, once she’d got Sam in his high chair and the twins had divested themselves of hats, coats, gloves and scarves. They perched on the high bar stools by the window, so they could see who was walking up and down the High Street, while they ate their lunch. Her lovely twins, so gorgeous, so vulnerable. Lauren hoped she was doing the right thing telling them about their dad.
‘What is it?’ asked Immie excitedly.
‘Is it good special?’ said Izzie, looking a bit anxious.
‘Of course it’s good, special,’ said Lauren smiling bravely.
‘Tell us, tell us!’ the twins were wriggling with anticipation.
‘Well,’ began Lauren, ‘you know a long time ago your daddy had to go away.’
‘We don’t have a daddy,’ said Immie.
‘Yes you do,’ said Lauren.
‘No we don’t,’ said Izzie, banging her glass down on the table. ‘He doesn’t
ever
see us. He
never
gives us presents. We don’t have a
rea
l daddy.’
Lauren swallowed hard, this was going to be more difficult than she thought.
‘You do have a daddy,’ she said. ‘I know he hasn’t seen you very much, but you do have a daddy who has always
thought about you. And now he’s come back, and he really, really, wants to meet you.’
The twins looked at each other and then suspiciously at Lauren.
‘Will he bring us presents?’ said Izzie.
‘What if we don’t like him?’ said Immie.
‘I’m not sure if he’ll bring you presents,’ said Lauren, ‘but I’m sure you’ll like him. He’s your daddy and he loves you very very much.’
She crossed her fingers behind her back as she said this, hoping against hope she’d told her beautiful daughters the truth.
‘Hi, Mum,’ said Joel, as he went to pick her up from her small flat in Chiverton, where as usual, she was waiting outside for him. It was a blessing that she’d been able to find it when she had, given the rapidity with which her Parkinson’s had deteriorated. When Uncle Jack had died, he had left Lovelace Cottage to her in his will, ‘On account of the kindness you showed my mother in her latter years,’ he’d written. ‘Oh, stuff and nonsense,’ Joel’s mum had said to him when he’d asked her about it. ‘Aunt Connie had a sad and troubled life, no wonder she was so prickly. I just visited her a bit when she was old, that was all.’
But when it came to moving in, his mum had invited Joel and Claire round for lunch, and then said, ‘I have a proposition. This house is too much for me. I really couldn’t manage it. I’d much rather you two had it and turned it into a proper family home.’
So it was decided that, despite Claire’s initial reluctance, Joel and Claire would sell up their small flat in London and buy Lovelace Cottage off Joel’s mum, who moved into a warden-assisted flat in Chiverton. It was near enough to the town that she could walk there to get what she needed, and
small enough for her to manage easily. Joel was grateful that they had managed to find such a good solution for the ever growing concern about his mother’s situation, and was only sorry that it wasn’t in Heartsease, but Mum had insisted that she needed her independence, and they needed their space. He would have loved to be able to be nearer her so he could help her as much as she helped him. Since Claire died Mum had been a tower of strength, always available to listen when he wanted to talk, and just be there when he didn’t.
‘Lovely to see you both,’ said his mum, kissing Joel on the cheek and giving Sam a cuddle. ‘What do you want to do today?’
‘I thought I’d take you for a drive and a country pub lunch,’ said Joel. ‘If that’s OK?’
‘Sounds perfect,’ said his mum. ‘The weather’s been so wretched this week, I’ve hardly been out at all. I could do with a breath of fresh air.’
Joel drove them out of Chiverton, and up a winding country lane to the top of Chiverton Hill. The pub sat at the top of the hill, and the views were extraordinary, particularly as the trees had lost their leaves, which opened up vistas hidden in summer. The sun was shining for the first time in a week, and the hillside showed a stunning array of greens, blues and greys.
Joel parked the car in the car park, popped Sam in his pushchair, helped his mum and her stick out of the car, and they walked to the viewpoint to look out across the county. In the very, very far distance they could make out a strip of grey blue.
‘Do you know, I think that’s the sea?’ said Joel. ‘They say on a clear day you can see it.’
‘What’s that spire?’ his mum said, pointing out a church in the near distance.
‘Not sure,’ said Joel, consulting the viewpoint. ‘Oh, it’s probably the Church of St Barnaby at Burnham Heath.’
He stared at the different locations indicated on the viewpoint.
‘Oh look, it’s even got Heartsease on it. Five miles to the Heartsease Memorial Gardens. I’m not sure why they’d mention that, they’re not much cop now.’
‘Presumably they were more of a feature once,’ said his mum. ‘Are they in a very bad way? I seem to remember, when I was a child, they were beautiful.’
‘It’s a shame,’ said Joel, as they walked back towards the pub. ‘You can see they used to be magnificent, but they’ve gone to rack and ruin now. Kezzie, the girl who’s restoring the garden for me, wants to have a go at sorting them out too. They even want me on the village committee.’
‘It might do you good,’ said his mum. ‘Give you something to focus on.’
‘That’s what Kezzie said,’ said Joel. ‘It turns out next year is the 140th anniversary of Edward Handford’s birth, and the Parish Council want to celebrate, and they seem keen to have a member of his family involved.’