Summer Of My Secret Angel (37 page)

I fell off the swing on the playground. I
fell off the swing…

“And then the nurse in the hospital
reappeared alone after examining you.” My mom’s voice cut through
my memories. “My heart felt like it was being crushed inside my
chest. I knew I had lost you. I couldn’t get you back. But I was
also relieved, because I realized that John couldn’t get near you
ever again.”

Now that I had opened my heart to my mother
after all the years of anger, I felt the pain she must have gone
through. She had been torn apart between relief that I was safe and
the grief of her loss.

“What happened to you and John?”

Her gaze dropped. She turned her head away
from me. Her hand came up to her mouth, and she squeezed her eyes
shut, probably willing the tears to go away. “John went to prison
for child abuse. I was sentenced to six years for not doing
anything about it. I wasn’t allowed to see you, not even to tell
you goodbye.”

“I missed you so much. No one would tell me
why I had to stay in that place.” I half expected this to come out
as a mere whisper but found that my voice was steady after all.

“I missed you, too, baby.” Her misty eyes
rested on my face again, and she reached out to touch my cheek. “I
was determined to endure that time and then get you back home. Back
to me, where you belonged. I couldn’t send you to Marie and risk
that you’d never want to return to me after you’d lived for years
in a good place like this. That’s why I denied having any family
members willing to take you on. I was stupid and selfish.”

As much as this information hurt, I was glad
to find out that she hadn’t intended to abandon me completely. “So
when you got out, you came to see me in the orphanage. I was ready
to go home with you. What kept you from coming like you
promised?”

She fingered her tissue for a moment. “I
sorted out my life and made preparations for the two of us to be
together again. But the day I decided to bring you home, John
returned. He was released about the same time as me, and he sneaked
back into my life so easily. He promised he’d changed in jail. That
he was clean now and wanted to start all over again. But that
evening he nearly killed me in his drunkenness. By no means could I
allow you to be near that man again.”

She wiped her nose. “I tried to run from
him, but he kept finding me wherever I went. Then, one day, he
didn’t show up, and I read in a discarded newspaper that the police
had found the body of John Malton. He was killed in a drug deal
gone bad. Two months before I found out about my illness.”

Finally, I had my answers. Neither of us had
had an easy life. When she had tucked the tissue back into the
pocket of her house coat, she hung her head and exhaled a long
sigh.

Silently, I rose from the bench and skirted
the table to sit next to her. With my head resting on her shoulder,
I wrapped my arms lightly around her breakable body.

Immediately and with a suppressed cry, she
hugged me hard, her tears seeping into my hair. “I thank God for
this moment.”

I didn’t.

God didn’t know what it meant for me to hold
my mother like this and at the same time know it might be the last
time ever. The burden pressed down on me and cut off the steady
stream of air into my lungs.

Even if she had come to terms with the way
things had played out, I couldn’t accept this end. I wouldn’t allow
God to take my mother away from me again, and with her, the only
other person I loved just as much. There had to be a way, and I
would find it.

A warm feeling surrounded me, taking away a
lot of the pain that had centered in my chest. My mother seemed to
feel it, too, because she suddenly tilted her head upward with a
faint smile and a relieved sigh.

The angel was near.

I let go of my mom and shifted to look over
my shoulder. Julian leaned against the wall with his hands tucked
into his pockets. His peaceful expression failed to cover the
sadness in his eyes.

“Can I get
a
moment
with you?”
I asked.

“Anytime.” With a soft twitch of his lips,
he came forward. “But let’s take your mother back to bed first. She
looks worn out.”

Mom gladly accepted his bent elbow, and I
followed as he led her back to her room. I promised to look in on
her in a bit, but right now I had to find a way to keep her.

With my mother drifting off to oblivion,
Julian silently closed the door. “Where do you want to go?”

I shrugged, not really caring, as long as I
was with him. But then I reached for his hand and led him upstairs,
through my room, toward the balcony.

He stopped me in front of the balcony door.
“You sure you want to go out there? We can stay inside.”

Fear already gripped me around the neck, but
it seemed important to get past that fright and proceed outside.
“Just don’t let go of me, and I’ll be okay.”

Julian nodded. He followed me with his hand
securely wrapped around mine. Next to each other, we lowered to the
floorboards, and with the wall behind us, I leaned my head on his
shoulder. The clouds that sailed across the sky on a steady breeze
slowed. Then they stood still.

Julian pulled my hand into his lap and began
to play with my fingers. “This is your moment. What’s up,
Jona?”

I heaved a deep breath. “What does it take
to trade? My life for my mother’s.”

His skimming of my palm ceased, and his head
snapped up to meet my gaze. “That’s impossible. And you shouldn’t
even think about it.” The severity in his tone made me cringe.
“Life is the greatest gift in the world. You should not be trifling
with it.”

“It is my life, and I can do with it what I
want.” I hardly found the strength to hold his glare. “I don’t have
a reason to live with both of you gone. What kind of justice is
that? I find my mother after half a lifetime without her, and in
the next moment I have to let go of her again.” I paused. “And
you.”

“Accept what she did for you. From this
point on, you can start your life anew. Marie and Albert will be
more than happy to give you a good home.” He let go of my hand to
tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “As for me, I should have
listened to your mother when she warned me. She told me I’d cause
you too much pain. But I was too selfish to see it. I thought what
you needed was someone to show you what love can do. I refused to
think of the consequences, didn’t see the pain I was going to put
the both of us through.”

The pain he spoke about was tangible. The
fear of loss, the longing, it all reflected in his face. It was
impossible to even think of surviving one day without him. Or my
mother.

“Can’t you call on one of those healers you
mentioned? Someone must be able to help her. Give us more time.
Just a little. And if she stays, you can, too, right?”

He shook his head. “No healer can help her
now. She knows that. And you need to accept it.”

Sitting cross-legged, I braced my elbows on
my knees and supported my aching head. “You know I heard you
talking to her last night. You said there was a way.” A few minutes
ago I had believed taking my mother’s place in death was the only
way to be with Julian. Now a new flicker of hope kindled in me.
“Tell me about it.”

Julian didn’t confirm, nor did he deny there
was a possibility. He just said, “I cannot.”

“Then what does it take to find out?” I
demanded, loud enough to make him wince. “Do I have to randomly
guess ? Is there a trial of courage required? You said something
about sky diving.” I jumped to my feet, standing firmly in the
middle of the balcony, and pressed my hands to my hips. “If that’s
it, come on. Fetch your wings, and I’ll prove I’m ready to sky dive
with you.”

He stood, reached around my waist through my
bent arms, and pulled me closer. “You’re a brave one, aren’t you?”
His lips brushed my hair as he spoke, then he pressed them tenderly
against my temple. “This is one of the many reasons why I love
you.”

This was the third time he’d said it, and I
longed to surrender to the words. But an immediate rush of
white-hot anger flooded me, propelled me out of his arms. “How can
you speak of love, when you won’t move a finger to stop things from
happening? If you really meant it, you wouldn’t sit and watch my
mother decay.”

Not giving him a chance to hold me again, I
whirled past him and dashed through my room and downstairs. The
bolt clicked inside the lock of my mother’s room as I turned the
key, even though I wasn’t sure if that could keep an angel out.

My mother didn’t wake at my noisy entrance,
so I perched next to her on the mattress and caressed her burning
skin. I watched over her steady breathing for what seemed like
hours. And in that time, I made a plan.

If God decided to take both of them, he
would have to deal with one more.

Mom woke up at the same time my aunt and
uncle returned from the field. Delighted to see me in her room, she
immediately pulled me into an embrace. It felt so very unfamiliar
to be held by Charlene, but at the same time unspeakably pleasant.
I breathed in the cherry blossom scent of her body lotion, the one
she hadn’t stopped wearing since the days she’d tucked me in as a
child. The memory of loving her flooded me in a warm rush of
comfort.

We didn’t talk much, but I helped her get to
the kitchen. Julian sat at the table with his chin cupped in his
hand. I cast him a long glance, letting him know that I was no
longer mad at him.

Marie and Albert greeted my mom and me with
eyes so wide they threatened to pop out, gaping at us with open
mouths.

I waved at both of them then caught a
glimpse of the box with the dirty bottles. “Sorry, I didn’t finish
cleaning those.” I grimaced. “And on that note, I’m also sorry for
the broken bottles.”

“Oh, do not worry about it,
chérie
,”
my aunt said. “I am so very happy you and your mother finally made
peace. It was about time.”

I glanced at Julian, who seemed just as
unhappy about it as I was. And for the same simple reason: We were
going to lose each other soon.

“Oh, what is this? You took off the
bandage?” My aunt interrupted my staring. “Is your hand fine
again?”

In all the turmoil going on, I had
completely forgotten to cover up Julian’s miraculous healing
demonstration. My hands disappeared into my pockets. “Yeah. Well,
it tingles a little, but the pain is actually gone.”

“That is good news. But still, you will not
be going to work in the vinery this week. I want your hand to be
healed completely before you handle dirty roots and
fertilizer.”

I nodded, trying not to think of tomorrow. I
had a plan to carry out.

That night, Julian and I stayed long in my
mother’s room. I intended to savor every moment I had with the both
of them, while Julian’s supportive embrace kept me calm enough to
face the inevitable.

Shortly before midnight, he led me away from
my sleeping mother. “It’s late. You should go upstairs and get some
rest.”

Heavy lids pushed over my eyes. I forced
them open and shook my head. I didn’t speak in order to suppress a
yawn with a clenched jaw.

His fingers brushed my too-long bangs from
my forehead. “She’s going to wake up again tomorrow. I
promise.”

My lips trembled as I pressed a goodnight
kiss to my mom’s cheek. Shoulders hunched, I followed Julian
upstairs.

In the hallway at the top of the staircase,
I pivoted to glance at his face one last time. The way he tilted
his head had me wondering if he sensed I was brooding over
something. But I didn’t give him time to question the matter.
Instead, I cupped his face and, standing on my tiptoes, I pressed
my lips against his.

His mouth opened, welcoming the kiss, while
his arms encircled me. The aching in my chest almost broke me when
I let go of him and hurried into my room.

The door clicked shut behind me, sounding
like the signal of my intention. Slouching on my bed in the dark, I
waited a quarter of an hour, reveling in the taste of Julian on my
mouth. Then I rose and sneaked out into the empty hallway.

To carry out my plan, I needed a weapon. And
I knew exactly where to find one.

1. ANGEL TEARS
   

ALBERT’S OFFICE WAS dark and silent. I
didn’t dare switch on the light, but I pulled back the curtains
Marie closed every night, and soft moonlight streamed through the
window.

From the wall, I picked up one of the
dueling guns. The right one. The one Albert had told me was still
loaded. I wasn’t sure what this medieval weapon was loaded with. A
bullet, lead shot, whatever. It should suffice to kill me if shot
into my head.

Walking slowly around the desk to stand in
front of the window, I wondered if I should have written a letter
of farewell after all. One to Marie and Albert, who came so close
to being like parents in the past couple weeks. And one to my
mother to tell her I’d tried to take her place, but wasn’t allowed.
A letter to Julian wouldn’t be necessary. He’d know why I did it.
And he could tell me off for it once we were reunited after death.
In Heaven.

I took a long, deep breath, steeling my
nerves. Then I lifted the gun to my right temple.

“
Jona, don’t!”

The shock of Julian’s voice behind me almost
caused me to release the shot that instant. My already tense body
now prickled with the addition of his presence.

I turned around. “Go away.”

Julian didn’t budge an inch.

I didn’t lower the gun, but raked the hammer
back, determined to go through with it, whether he watched or
not.

His hands were fisted at his sides, but he
remained in the doorway. He probably feared what I’d do if he
rushed me. “What are you trying to achieve with this?”