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My mind was starting to spin again.

“Hey,” Stella said, squeezing my shoulder. “I’m not going to lose you again, am I?”

“No. I just . . . I was thinking about homophobes and that got me thinking about a whole lot of other shit. There’s a lot to this liking girls thing, isn’t there?” Stella scooted over and put her head on my shoulder.

“But there’s a lot of good things too.” I rested my head on hers. That was true. It wouldn’t be worth doing if there weren’t more pros than cons.

“Should we make a list?” I said, almost as a joke.

“Let’s do it.”

She laughed a little and I decided her laugh was number one.

“Girls are prettier,” Stella said.

“Girls smell better.”

“Girls are better listeners.”

“Girls have better boobs.”

That one made us both laugh.

“Boobs are pretty fantastic. How did I not notice?” I said, looking down at my own chest.

“Yours are really nice. In case you were wondering,” Stella said. “But don’t get a big head about it.”

“Why, Stella, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” She smacked my shoulder.

“Shut up.”

“Girls have better nails,” I said, taking her hand and stretching her fingers out.

Stella was just about to reply when the bell rang, shattering our little bubble. We both got up and it was almost painful to walk away from her.

We would text later, but it wasn’t the same. I just wanted to be with her. As much as I could. Basically all the time. Being with her was like breathing fresh air for the first time and it was so hard to let go. I hoped it wasn’t going to keep getting harder.

I
was totally off again at practice on Monday night and coach was not pleased. I kept messing up simple choreography I could do in my damn sleep. It was so bad that she pulled me aside.

“Is everything okay? Everything at home or in class?” Everyone else had headed to the locker room to change or had left, so it was just the two of us in the gym.

“No, I’m just tired,” I said. I figured it was a good enough excuse. “Or maybe I’m coming down with something.” Mysterious illness was another good one. Maybe I should have said I had PMS.

Coach put her hand on my shoulder and did that thing that adults do when they sort of lean down and look deeply into your eyes as if they’re going to decipher all your secrets with one look.

“I’m fine, Coach. Promise.” I gave her a smile and she pulled me into a hug.

“You let me know if you need absolutely anything. You got it?” I hugged her back and thanked her. I was all gross and I just wanted to go home and take a shower. I grabbed my stuff and headed out the door, taking my hair down and running my fingers through it. I was thinking about other things so I didn’t notice that someone was standing beside my car. It was almost dark, but not so dark that I didn’t recognize who it was.

“What are you doing here?” I said, nearly dropping my bag in shock.

“Um, waiting for you and feeling like a creepy stalker?” Kyle said, crossing her arms in the cold. I was still overheated from practice so I didn’t have my coat on.

“Do not tell me you’ve been standing out here for hours, because that might veer into stalker territory.” I unlocked my car and threw my duffel in the back and shut the door, walking over to where she was leaning against the driver’s side.

“Yeah, no. I definitely didn’t do that. I went home and did homework and thought about you and figured I would come and bring you a little pick me up.” She held out a bottle of green juice and a paper bakery bag.

“What’s in there?” I asked. She smiled.

“Open it and find out.” I moved so I was under the streetlight and opened the bag. A chocolate croissant.

“Because the green juice and the croissant cancel each other out. Calorie-wise,” she said, pushing her glasses up on her nose.

“You know that’s not how it works, right? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.” She snorted.

“See if I do anything nice for you again.” I reached out and took her hand.

“I love it. Thank you. And I’m really happy to see you. Even if I’m all gross.” Kyle laughed and pushed some of my hair over my shoulder. We looked more alike now, with me in sweats and with my hair all messy.

“You are so beyond gross right now,” she said, and demonstrating by pulling my face forward for a kiss. It was quick, because we didn’t want anyone to see us.

“Thank you for the croissant. And the juice.” I kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand again.

“You’re welcome, babe.” She let go of my hand and headed back to her car across the lot.

“Girls are more thoughtful,” I yelled after her and she gave me a thumbs up.

“Definitely!”

I
ate the croissant first and had the juice second, but I was still starving when I got home, so I made myself some dinner.

“How was practice?” Dad asked.

“Good,” I said, which was what I always said.

“And how’s your presentation?” I froze in the act of putting together my salad.

“Good,” I said again.

“Are you going to give me any more details than that? I thought we’d passed this phase a few years ago.” He leaned against the counter.

“It’s good. We’re basically done and we made the changes you suggested. We’re ahead of everyone else, so we’ve been using our class time for studying.” Studying, cuddling.

“Good, good. And how’s it working out with your partner?” I’d told him the bare minimum about Kyle. And now I was starting to get suspicious.

Were the two of us wearing neon signs on our foreheads advertising that we were hanging out together? Or did we just have very perceptive people around us?

Or was I just paranoid?

“Fine,” I said, for some variety. “She’s actually really cool.” I could talk about Kyle as a friend without raising too many red flags. Because his assumption wouldn’t be that Kyle and I were into each other.

“That’s nice. It’s good to make new friends. I mean, friends that are more into academics.” I gave him a look.

“You’re saying Midori isn’t into academics?” I asked. “She’s a National Merit Scholar.” He sighed and looked at the ceiling. He was more than used to debating with me.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. I like seeing you branch out and meet new people. Why don’t you have her over sometime?” Um, I’d already done that and it had ended in me kissing Kyle. But my house was a better place for the two of us to hang out, if only because my dad was gone so much.

“Yeah, maybe I will. She’d probably like to get out of her house. Her parents are a little obsessive and hovery,” I said and cut it off there because I was saying too much.

“Is she an only child?” He crossed his arms and smirked.

“Yes, as a matter of fact she is.” We both laughed.

“I can understand that. You only want what’s best for your kids and sometimes it’s easy to go a little overboard.” I finished making my salad and started pouring on the olive oil dressing.

Dad came over and stole a cherry tomato before I could swat his hand away.

“I’m glad you didn’t hover. I mean, not like that. They’re constantly checking in with her, making sure she’s happy and healthy and everything.” I started eating while standing up because I was still so hungry.

“She’ll be grateful for it one day, I’m sure.” I had no idea if she would or not. Would I even know Kyle down the road? I didn’t like thinking about the future that far ahead. I was so focused on college that I couldn’t really see beyond that. Everything else was blurry.

“Uh huh,” I said as Dad drifted back to his office to burn the midnight oil.

“Y
ou’re all glowy today,” Marcey, one of the vet techs said on Tuesday when I was at the vet clinic.

“I am?” I asked, putting one hand to my cheek.

“Yeah, you look really happy lately. Could it be because of a boy?” There it was. The assumption that all girls were into all boys. My face froze and I shook my head.

“Nope. Guess I’m just getting a lot of sleep or something.” She got distracted from replying by the entrance of one of our problem clients, Rufus, with his owner Geoff. Rufus was already howling and whining and practically dragging Geoff out the door. It took three of us to get Rufus into the exam room so Dr. Cope could give him his vaccinations for the year.

You know what I hate? The assumption that all girls like boys.

I texted Kyle when I got home, after I’d showered and was toweling my hair off.

Same. It’s the default and it’s stupid. I mean, MOST girls like boys, but not all.

Not us.

I liked talking about her and me as one unit. Neither of us was close to being ready to call us something like girlfriends, but I did like thinking of us as . . .  something.

Gal pals.

Yeah, no way. That was stupid. Maybe we needed to make up a new term.

Nope. Not us. That’s another one for the Pro list. We’re unique.

You mean “not normal”

I wasn’t sure if she was being sarcastic or not.

Do you really think that? That we’re not normal?

I waited and waited for an answer, but then she just ended up calling me.

“No, I don’t think we’re not normal. That wasn’t what I meant,” she said without any preamble.

“What did you mean?”

She sighed.

“I don’t know, Stel. I don’t know. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. That came out completely wrong. I was more talking that other people would think that. Not me.” I moved my hair over one shoulder.

“I know. I know you don’t think that. It just caught me off guard, I guess. I’m sorry I got a little defensive.” She sighed.

“No, I’m sorry that I said it. Typed it. Whatever. Ugh, why is this all so complicated?” It sounded like she’d slumped on her bed.

“We don’t have to make it complicated. We could always end it. Go back to our regular lives. Try and be straight again.” I was joking about the last part and she laughed a little.

“Yeah, I think I’ll pass. Also, I like making out with you too much to give that up.”

“Same.”

There was a beat of silence and I sat back on my pillows.

“What are you doing right now?”

“Just sitting in my room and praying that my parents won’t barge in and give me more practice essays for scholarships. I already had to do one today.” Sounded awful. And she didn’t need practice. She was smart already.

“I’m sorry. You could always sneak out of your house and come over to mine.” I wasn’t serious, but I almost wished she would do it. Just show up and stay with me.

“Yeah, my parents would definitely notice if I was gone. They have a security system. But I would if I could. Would it earn me extra points in the romance department?” I smiled.

“Maybe. You earned some today when you showed up after practice.” She laughed.

“Good to know. I’m trying to out-romance you.”