“I can’t help it. You make me a little crazy.”
“Likewise.”
“Well, I’m happy for Lizzy.”
“If that’s what she wants to do, I told her she has my full support.”
“What’s the deal with Henry?”
“Henry? Oh, he’s madly in love with her. You didn’t know that?”
“What?” I ask in disbelief. “Um, no, I didn’t. I asked you if they ever did anything and you said you weren’t sure.”
“You asked if they fucked. And no, I haven’t asked them, but I would guess yes. That is not the same as asking if Henry is in love with her.”
“Has he told you?”
“Not in those words, but he doesn’t have to.”
“Why doesn’t he just tell her?”
“He knows it wouldn’t work out,” he says a matter of factly as he removes his pants, revealing his tanned physique in a pair of boxer briefs. “They’re too much alike. He can’t keep faithful and she’s a lot to handle. Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean it’s meant to be.”
“Does Lizzy know?”
“I don’t know. I can’t imagine she’d be so clueless.”
“Well color me clueless because I had no idea.”
“Sometimes it’s better. I suffer from the ability to read people all too well. I wish I didn’t.”
“I guess. Do you think he wants to be the dad?”
“I’m not even going to touch the idea of those two creating a spawn,” Taylor jokes.
“What about you?” I ask.
“What about me?”
“Do you imagine yourself being a dad one day?”
“I had a feeling this would be coming.”
“Sorry. I was just asking,” I shrug.
“No, it’s fine. I was also thinking about that a lot today. I knew her bringing up that news would raise some important questions and I wanted to see how I felt about the whole thing. Which is also why I was feeling contemplative.”
“Oh.”
He squares up to me. “Listen, I’ve never imagined myself being a father. I never entertained the thought previously, because well, I never imagined being in a real relationship with those possibilities. Hell, I never thought of even being in any long term relationship. And now it is something I have to think about, because if there is anyone I would want those things with, that person would be you…”
“But?”
Taylor takes a deep sigh. “But, right now, I still don’t see myself ever being a father. I don’t think I am equipped. I don’t think I can love something just because I helped create it. You know how they say your child comes into the world and suddenly you fall in love? I know it’s a very big possibility I will feel nothing, and then what? I can’t gamble on bringing a child into this world that won’t be loved by its father.”
“But if it was a person we made together? A person we created out of our mutual love, don’t you think that you would love it?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t know. Let’s say we have a kid, and I don’t love it, that will change the way you feel about me. Won’t it?”
“I don’t know.”
“It will. Because you will expect what anybody expects, except you won’t get it. I know what it’s like to feel uncared for and I don’t want to continue the cycle. Look at my brother and me
--
what if this is not all environmental, what if we’re defective?”
“You’re not defective.”
“We’ll never know.”
“Don’t you want to have children to make it right? To make right the things your parents did wrong? I always wanted my kids to have a dad…not even an amazing one, just have one.” My face sinks, it’s something I try not to think about often, but like Taylor, I feel as though I missed out on certain things in my childhood.
“You can’t have children to make up for other people’s mistakes. That’s not how it works.”
I guess he’s right, but I can’t say I’m not devastated. It’s not that my ultimate fantasy in life is to have a child. I don’t think I would do what Lizzy is doing. But I always imagined if I found the right guy, and if we loved each other, we could make the family I never had. To have the possibility eliminated just like that, to not see the beautiful dark-haired babies we would have, breaks my heart in a way I never expected. If he and I were never married, I could live with that, but to know the option of a child is off the table kills so many of the dreams I had begun to imagine for us. This vacation has gotten a lot heavier than I expected. Part of me wonders if it’s not only that he can’t love his own child, but if he fears my love and attention for him will be diluted if I spread it to someone else. After all, I felt that way when he gave Lizzy a few hours of his time to discuss a life-changing announcement with her.
“It could change, I don’t know. Other people have had a lifetime to think about this stuff, I’ve only had a few months.” He doesn’t even bring up the idea of marriage, not that I was even expecting it, but these discussions do come up eventually in relationships.
“I understand,” I say. I’m at a loss with what to do with this information other than mourn the children we will likely never have. I don’t know if it’s a deal breaker, and even if it was, I know I wouldn’t leave him over it. Deal breakers don’t exist for me with Taylor. I can only hope his mind will change over time.
“Well this vacation has turned out to be contentious,” Taylor says to lighten the mood.
“I’m going to look for Lizzy, see how she is doing.” I need to talk to someone else, get my mind off of Taylor’s confession.
Kristin and Chad are alone on the pool deck, and Lizzy is in the shower. Eventually, I stumble on Henry, who is sitting alone in front of the house, smoking a cigarette.
“I didn’t know you smoked.”
“I don’t, I bummed it off of
Cristobal
,” he says in a Spanish accent, taking a drag. “Want a puff?”
“What the hell,” I say as I sit on the step next to him. It seems like we have both have had a rough night.
“So, are you as shocked about Lizzy as I am?” I ask.
“Oh yeah.”
“I am really happy for her. I just never knew she wanted to be a mommy.”
“She and I had talked about it before. Her wanting a family. I guess I just thought that one day it would just happen with us.” His forthrightness with this information takes me aback. “But, it would never work out, her and me.” His mirroring of Taylor’s analysis freaks me out a bit.
“Have you ever told her?”
“Oh she knows. We’ve always joked that we were soulmates, two birds of a feather, and it’s because of that we could never pull the trigger.”
“Do you want to be the father? Has she asked?”
“We talked tonight. The possibility was tossed out, but I can’t just give my sperm to her and forget about the kid. I would want to be a dad to him or her and that could complicate things. I’ll love the kid because it would be mine too. It’s not like giving up sperm to a sperm bank. I don’t know if I am ready, and she’s not going to wait around for me to become husband or dad material. I don’t blame her because that time may never come. She’s a smart gal.”
“I get it. It’s pretty heavy.”
“She thinks I have great genes though, so there’s that,” he says, nudging me with his elbow.
Tooting his own horn, how typical
.
“Well, hold onto your knickers, because I am about to compliment you and I am not rolling on E, but I think you would have some pretty cute kiddos.”
“How about you? You know Taylor is crazy about you.” I shrug. “Seriously, he was a player. Well, that’s the wrong word, he didn’t parade women around or brag, but I knew he had his pieces on the side. He never introduced any girls he was with to us and he would have never brought them on vacation. Plus, I see the way you touch him. I know how he is about that. At the gala, in Russia, he was the most relaxed I had ever seen. You didn’t know the pre-Shyla Taylor.”
“There’s a ‘pre-Shyla Taylor?’ What was he like?”
“Well, he was cool with me and Lizzy, but that’s because we get him. Probably not as well as you do, but we could get him out of his shell. We know he needs his space, we get that his moods are his and that doesn’t mean shit about our friendship. But he was way more secluded and isolated. He would be around for a few weeks and then we wouldn’t see him for months. He would just hole up in his house, use couriers and conference calls. He would rarely come to meetings unless his presence was necessary. This is the longest I have seen him be so happy. Even when he used to be around, that didn’t guarantee he would be the Taylor we see so often now.”
“Really? Sometimes I feel like I can’t get through.”
“Woman, you have no idea,” he says, passing me the cigarette. “He’s not the kind of guy that will scream for the hills about how great he feels, but you’ve had more of an impact than you might ever know.” Henry doesn’t know it, but he has pieced my heart back together from hearing the news that Taylor may never want a child.
“Well, not that it means anything, but I think you would make a really cool dad.”
“Oh, it means something,” he says, as he puts out the cigarette and heads back into the house.
***
The next morning we wake up to beautiful Costa Rican weather and plan on renting some ATVs to take along the various nature trails. Due to the excitement, I have a hard time sleeping in on vacation, so I wake up before Taylor. I slip out of the room hoping to make coffee for the group, but find people preparing breakfast in the kitchen. This must be a surprise from Taylor or Henry. I slip back into the bedroom and onto the bed unnoticed since Taylor’s meds make him a heavier sleeper than normal. He is sprawled out in a pair of boxers with no shirt on. I admire him in this moment of peace and quiet, following the outline of his full lips and angular jawline. I admire his long, dark eyelashes that beautifully frame his greenish-blue eyes. He rustles for a moment, but doesn’t wake, so I continue to watch him sleep peacefully. A few minutes later he opens his eyes.
“Have you been watching me sleep?”
“Yeah, there’s a whole crew of people in the kitchen, but I am too excited to go back to sleep. You’re fun to look at.”
“Well, you’re sweet, but maybe we need to get you some hobbies,” he says, sitting up.
“My plate’s pretty full, but thanks. It’s a full time job, checking you out.”
“I know, I can’t stop looking at me either.”
I shove him and he grabs my wrists, toppling me over and pinning me down.
“You really think you are going to overpower me?”
“Where there’s a will, there’s a way!” I say as I take one leg and attempt to reach it over his head.
“Oooh, you’re scrappy,” he says, pinning it back down. “If you keep fighting me, you’re gonna get fucked. Literally.”
“You’re not as strong as you look,” I say as I thrust my hips up enough to elevate him and squirm out from under him. I get on my knees and dive towards him, getting him on his back. “I think it’s time for me to be boss.”
“That’ll never happen. You know this is only happening because I’m letting you win.”
“Oh shut up,” I say as I mount him, pin his hands down and ride him.
***
We emerge from the bedroom, all smiles
,
raring
and ready to go and join everyone else for breakfast. The spread is delectable, including
el tipico
Costa Rican breakfast. After a long day of exploring the
lush, tropical
countryside, we get back to the house utterly exhausted.
“Come on ladies, let’s put Cristobal to work,” Lizzy says with her arms around Kristin and me as we walk back into the house. We all congregate on the poolside, music blaring, tropical drinks in hand.
Taylor refrains from the alcoholic part of the festivities. “I’ll pass, but please enjoy yourself. I don’t mind a horny drunk girl in my bed,” he says winking at me. After a couple of drinks, I feel loosey-goosey and I pull Taylor out of his seat and insist he dance with me since Henry is dancing with Lizzy (things seem to be better between them) and Chad and Kristin are dancing. He very hesitantly allows me to drag him to his feet, wearing a pained look on his face. Cristobal throws on some salsa music and I figure there is finally something I know that Taylor doesn’t.
“I’m going to teach you salsa.”
“Oh no.”
“Put your hand here and your other hand here. Now you have to lead me like this.” I show him his footwork. “Now do what I did.” Taylor takes a few steps and does a pretty good job for his first time.
“Here lemme help ju,” Cristobal says in a thick Spanish accent. Taylor doesn’t seem fazed that this man is stealing me from his arms. Let’s just say that between Taylor and me, I wouldn’t be the person Cris would be interested in. Cristobal goes nuts with me, his salsa literacy is way better than mine and he sends me twirling and gliding all over the place. Taylor watches intently with a big smile on his face, his chin resting on his hand.
“Pass me the lady,” Taylor says, “I think I got this.” Cristobal pulls me in close, then twirls me away from his body so that I spin into Taylor’s arms.
“Asi?” Taylor asks Cristobal as he leads me in some basic moves.