Stranger and Stranger (6 page)

M
E
: Hmph.

Am now upstairs pondering the problem. Am feeling crabby, as I always do when Mom wraps up discussions with pointed comments that are clearly meant to reflect on ME. But also…seeing her point.

Later—middle of the day

I should not be awake, but the household is in an uproar, and once again it is Raven’s fault. Before I went to bed, I’d instructed her to spend the day cleaning up the house and yard. I mean, I was only trying to do something nice. How was I to know that Mom would step outside into what looked like a terrifying uprising of rotting animal zombies?

Yeah, so, I was awakened by horrific screaming and went down to scope the situation. Neighbors had gathered, Raven was covered in dirt, Mom was hysterical, and the yard was full of small skeletons, mummies, half mummies, and a few of your average bloated, putrefying carcasses.

I had to perform a little down-’n’-dirty detective work to determine whether there had been any foul play. It was fascinating, but all good things must come to an end eventually.

M
E
: [Glancing up finally to see crowd of neighbors still standing around, looking horrified.] It’s all right. I think it’s safe to say that these birds, squirrels, snakes, lizards, possums, and raccoons died in the normal course of Nature.

N
EIGHBOR
#1: [To Mom.] What’s…wrong with her?

M
OM
: [Nervously.] Nothing! She’s just…scientifically minded!

N
EIGHBOR
#2: That stuff is like rilly gross.

N
EIGHBOR
#3: Man, do you really need to do…THAT…to a squirrel to know that it’s dead?

M
E
: [Staggering to feet. Lurching toward neighbors. Gargling slightly.]

N
EIGHBORS
: GAHHH! AIIIEEEEEE! [Dispersing. Very quickly.]

Mom was not super pleased at my Igor impression. It took several minutes of sweet talk for me to convince her that it was a funny joke and sure to improve neighbor relations in the long run. I also persuaded her that we can hardly blame Raven for not knowing that rotting animal bodies are an acceptable feature of a clean yard.

Mom made sure I clarified to Raven that rotting animals belong UNDERGROUND.

Raven corrected her mistake.

Am going back to bed.

June 5

Have been treed by a ferocious canine!!

The cats and I were working on a nice new set of covert paths
through the neighborhood, and had made some great progress when we were thwarted by one of the nastiest dogs we have ever met!!! All we were trying to do was use his yard as a passageway between the O’Donnells’ and the Kawamotos’, and now he’s acting like we want to destroy his precious food/owner/piles of poop/yarbles/whatever it is dogs care about. Am up in the tree right now, waiting it out. Hideous drooling dogbeast shows no sign of leaving.

While I’m up here writing, might as well take notes on the rest of what happened tonight, since it’s actually kind of historical: I’d built a nice makeshift ladder on the O’Donnells’ side so I could climb the fence, which really is unusually high; and then Mystery charged up it before I could even step on the first rung, so I let her do her thing; but when she got near the top, she slowed way down and her whiskers vibrated and she started hissing, which told me there was some kind of alarm system to disarm first.

So, this is a little bit embarrassing to write, but I actually
spent a good FIFTEEN MINUTES or so just LOOKING for the stupid alarm system, and when it didn’t turn up, had to move on to Plan B and install some polythermal-shielded ceramic discs on the fence boards where I intended to make my entry. Luckily that did the trick, and I was over in no time.

I had just shimmied down the fence, and right away this massive slavering German shepherd/St. Bernard/grizzly bear was there threatening to amputate something for me. Cats bailed right away, and who can blame them? Luckily I’d had the foresight to tie a bungee cord around my waist and hitch it to a nearby tree, so I was able to scramble up out of reach of his ghastly snapping jaws without losing any precious flesh.

So, here I am, hanging out in this tree plotting my next move. The cats are standing in the O’Donnells’ backyard looking up at me with their sympathetic “humans are awfully dumb” look, and I know they think I should give this one up and make us a nice safe route from the O’Donnells’ to the Martins’ instead. But I don’t think I can let this yard go quite so easily. It’s HUGE, and most of it seems to be an awe-inspiring obstacle course full of bizarre terrain and equipment. Get the dog out of the picture, and I could have a LOT of fun here.

According to my notes from the other day, the name on the mailbox at this house is “Venus Fang Fang.” For reals!!!!!! Cannot wait to see what SHE looks like.

Dogbeast is not leaving the tree. If anything, he is getting more frantic that I’m still here. Am a little concerned he may start barking and I will soon find out what Venus Fang Fang looks like when she’s yelling at intruders.

OK. Am bungeeing to safety in the Martins’ yard. Will come back when I have a plan.

Later—back at home

For once, Raven has not been up to any trouble while I was out and about, for the simple reason that I left her locked in the antique birdcage with a strict command not to leave it until I returned. I will just have to keep her caged from now on when I’m not around to supervise.

Have reflected that it’s a good thing Mom can’t (doesn’t) keep ME caged when she’s not around to supervise!

Later

Raven and I have finally (FINALLY) finished painting Great-Aunt Millie’s attic white. I can’t say I don’t like it. Even if I prefer the attics we leave dark and dusty. This room has a certain expanding effect I don’t really feel in my all-black, comfortably cluttered room.

Why white paint???

Anyway, the best part is that it’s DONE. YESSS! I can now get back to work on the duplication device. Have visited junk shop/hardware store Dumpster for supplies, unpacked radiac abrasive lightning rod, dismantled my Popsicle-stick prototype, and am now hard at work building Duplicator 2.0. Some progress, but not as much as I’d hoped. Have been sitting here running simulations on the Oddisee for a couple of hours, and I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out how to make good 3-D replicas of pretty much anything, as long as it’s not alive. It’s the little problem of duplicating living stuff that is still unsolved.

Am feeling very motivated to figure this out. This is going to be the most amazing Master Prank I’ve ever pulled off!!! Am also feeling the need to duplicate Raven. That way I can keep a spare hidden in our basement, in case something ever happens to the original. Would not put it past Silifordville to incarcerate my golem!

Later

Am being distracted from duplication project by funneee photos
coming through on the cat-cams. Here are a few of the highlights:

Sabbath thinks outside the box!!!! AHHHAHHAHHAHAAAA!

Later

Back on task. I managed to duplicate a tape-worm—sort of. The duplicate seems kind of flimsy and colorless, and disintegrates after a few seconds, AND is not actually alive, so I can’t really call it a success.

Have asked the Magic 8 Ball a bunch of times what I’m missing, but so far the responses have run the gamut from useless to insulting: from “LENTILS” to “WHY IS A DUCK?” to “MISSING? LIKE A FOX!” Am somewhat demoralized. Daylight is coming. Drasty fladbax, I need a breakthrough!!!!!!!

June 6

Worked on the duplication project for a while, then decided I could use a
change of scenery and some fresh evening air to help me think outside the box. (AHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH.) Cats and I have been tooling around Silifordville. Aside from its excellent sewers, it’s really just your regular basic ordinary typical normal town. Small, but not remarkably small. It’s got all the standard features a smallish town should have. The townspeople do not really deserve to have a sentence written about them, but here we are midsentence, so I might as well record that they are just your regular basic ordinary typical normal townspeople. SIGH! Boring.