Storky (11 page)

When they left the ladies’ room like 10 hours later, Gina’s eyes were all red. She checked out the dance floor right away. Hunk and Phoebe from
Friends
were swaying together, total cling-ons. Before Heather would dance with Nate, she asked Gina, “You’ll be all right?” Gina nodded, like if she said anything she’d start crying again.

I asked Gina to dance, but she turned me down. We sat on the folding chairs on the edge of the dance floor while she stared at Hunk. She didn’t want punch. She didn’t want to get our pictures taken, which was okay because that cost $15. She just wanted to watch Hunk and Phoebe from
Friends
and sigh and be depressed.

It seemed like everyone else was on the dance floor, all sweaty and smiley. Sydney too. She wore this lacy one-shouldered green dress that matched her eyes. She and her friend Miranda were spazzing out to “Who Let the Dogs Out,” going “woof woof woof” and everything, but spazzing in a good way, like they didn’t care about not having dates.

Sydney’s legs looked fantastic. I guess her breasts always had me so distracted before that I never noticed her legs. I mean, really noticed them. Or maybe it was what she was wearing last night. A very short dress and black spiky shoes. She seriously could be a leg model. Is that a real job? I know there’s bathing suit models and hand models. Sydney should check into leg modeling as a career. I’m getting off track again.

Miranda saw me first. She gave me the evil eye and then said something in Sydney’s ear. Probably “Storky.” When Sydney glanced at me, her eyes lit up bright green like she was pissed off. Or maybe that was the strobe light.

I must have looked so glum, as Duke used to say, with my chin on my hands and my elbows on my thighs, right next to Gina Glum. I can’t believe I turned down Sydney Holland. I bet she and Miranda laughed their faces off at what a gigantic mistake I made.

Me and Gina sat there for 23 minutes total. The whole time, Hunk pressed against Phoebe from
Friends
like they were Siamese twins. And Sydney wouldn’t even look back in my direction.

Then Heather rushed over to us, grabbed Gina by the arm and yelled “Bathroom!” and ran off with her. I had no idea what was happening until Nate came over with this mondo grin on his face like he’d just scored. He goes, “Did you see it? Did you see it?” practically shouting. I’m like, “See what?”

Nate filled me in. They were dancing to “La Bamba.” Everyone was waving their hands in the air and jumping around. Heather got really into it, and the whole top part of her dress slid to her waist. Before she could pull her dress back up and run off, Nate got to see both boobs—completely everything, close up.

He said they looked like tennis balls. Not green and fuzzy, but just as bouncy and round and perfect. Why wasn’t I looking!

Nate and I were giving each other high fives when someone pounded on my shoulder. I turned around and faced Hunk. He goes, “Hey, Storky, are you Gina’s date?”

I thought, This is how I die. A 220-pound lineman beats the life out of me, and I haven’t even kissed a girl yet or learned to drive. In my head I said, Yeah, I’m Gina’s date, you got a problem with that, Jockula? Instead I nodded and looked at my shoes.

He goes, “Poser.” Then he walked away. All I could think was, Thank God he didn’t beat me up. I’m such a wimp. Still haven’t figured out what a poser is. It can’t be good.

When the girls came back, Nate and Heather headed off to take pictures. He held her hand. Her other hand was like glued to the top of her dress.

Gina went back to staring at Hunk and Phoebe. They practically had dry sex to the theme song from
Titanic.
I hate that song anyway.

I kept looking for Sydney, but couldn’t find her anywhere. With my luck, she was probably in a dark corner making out with some guy. Just as I was picturing that, Hunk slid Phoebe right in front of Gina, grabbed the back of Phoebe’s head, and kissed her. A long one. Likely involving tongue.

That’s when Gina goes, “I can’t do this anymore.” She started begging me to go home. So I said, “Fine, we’ll ask Nate to call his mom next time we see him.” What am I supposed to say—No, you have to suffer here with me all night? Then I guess Gina got so desperate she went out searching for him. I followed her like a stupid puppy.

We found Nate and Heather on the folding chairs on the far side of the auditorium, totally lip-locked. I could tell he was pissed when Gina asked him to call his mom.

So that’s pretty much how that crappy night ended. Oh yeah, one more crappy thing. The Mike Wallace thing. The whole way home, Nate’s mom—who’s usually the weak, silent type—fired off a ton of questions. How was the restaurant? How was the dance? Were your friends there? Did you get your pictures taken? Why did you leave so early? I wanted to shove a couple cigarettes in her mouth and tell her to mind her own business.

So that’s it. That’s it for my night. That’s it for the Snowball. That’s it for school dances. That’s it for me and Gina. That’s it for me and any girl. That’s it for me.

And I still have 13 more days before I get the TV back.

It’s
Winter Break, Unplugged.
11 more days of TV deprivation. Read
Ethan Frome
today. Compared to that guy, or anyone in that book, my life’s a total picnic.

Met Nate at the mall. He’s going to a party with Heather on New Year’s Eve, so he bought a 5-pack of condoms at Rite Aid. They sure make a lot of different kinds—ribbed, lubricated, extra strength, Valupaks. He just got the regular Trojans, because that’s the only one we’ve heard of.

The lady at the register looked about 110 years old. She could practically be Grandma’s grandma. Even Nate was blushing and fumbling with his money in front of her. As she was ringing him up, she goes, “Good for you, sonny. Take it from me. You don’t want herpes.” We were so freaked, we didn’t even wait for Nate’s change.

Nate’s cousin works at Pretzel Time, so we got free pretzels and Cokes. Then we went over to Hickory Farms and tasted like 5 different cheeses plus a salami. For dessert, we each took a couple handfuls of cookie samples from Mrs. Fields. I didn’t spend a dime all day.

Tonight Amanda’s date was more than 15 minutes late, so she ditched him and drove over to Bulimic Michele’s house. On her way out, Amanda goes, “Just let my date know tardies are inexcusable.” Harsh!

When the guy finally showed up, Vermin made him sit on the flowery couch while he grilled him about his intentions with Amanda and his future career goals and stuff. After the grilling, Verm told the poor jerk that Amanda wasn’t there. As soon as he left, me and Verm started busting up. Mom made clicking noises and shook her head.

Begged for the TV back 8 days early, since it’s winter break and I’m dying of boredom. I’m halfway through
War and Peace.
703 more pages to go. Mom’s being a hard-ass. Says if I finish it
and Anna Karenina,
she might reconsider. Says if I’m so bored, I should go to Golden Village. No way.

Christmas is hard when you’re a Jew. Nothing’s open. Everyone else is eating fruitcake and stringing popcorn or whatever with their families. Being Jewish on Christmas doesn’t stop Amanda from being all social. Bulimic Michele had her over. I wonder if she threw up her Christmas dinner. Spewed cranberry sauce. Gross.

I was so bored today, I agreed to catch a movie with Mom and Verm. That’s about the one good thing you can do on Christmas—go to the movie theater and see everyone from temple. Either that or watch all the dads on the block help their kids ride their new bikes and scooters and stuff.

Verm vetoed Mom’s movie choice. He won’t see anything with Meryl Streep, especially if she’s doing an accent. Me and Verm picked this war film. I didn’t understand it, but the battle stuff was cool. I fell asleep near the end. Woke up to Mom and Verm holding hands. Ugh.

We went to Denny’s afterward. It was the only thing open. All these families sat in the booths, dressed up in fancy red-and-green outfits, eating sliced turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy. It just seems so depressing. Your big holiday dinner spent at Denny’s.

I wonder what Duke’s doing for Christmas.

I’m so sick of Dad being late. It’s like I’m the lowest priority in his life. After I waited 38 minutes for him, I pulled an Amanda. I ditched the house and biked over to Nate’s. I told him Dad canceled. I didn’t feel like going all into it.

We watched
SportsCenter
and the
Real World
marathon. We’re going to drive to L.A. and try out for
Real World
when we’re 18. They should take me. They need a dweeb on the show. I’m sick of those cool guys they always have, sitting in their Jacuzzis and whining about how hard it is to handle all their girlfriends.

I hope Dad calls the house all night long, and Mom and Amanda don’t get home until late, and Dad wonders if he’ll ever see me again. Knowing Dad, he probably just shrugged or something and went to dinner without me.

If I ever get married and have kids, I’ll be a great dad. I’ll never be late for anything. I’ll be one of those guys who coaches Little League and goes to the park with his family every weekend. I won’t go out of town on business trips all the time, especially so that my kid, thinking back, wonders if they really were business trips after all.

This vacation bites. I almost miss school. I was so bored today, I played Scrabble alone. Even challenged myself on the word
zim
. Gina might have been up for a game, but no way am I calling her. I’m still too pissed off. I wonder how her Christmas was.

Glad I decided to ditch Dad yesterday. Leaving the house before he got there wasn’t exactly standing up to him though. At least I did something. At least I took The Road Not Taken. Maybe he’ll respect me now. Maybe he’ll say how mature I am and offer to buy me a car.

Yeah, right. I’m just a wuss who snuck out of the house before he showed up. Like I ran out on Duke before he could tell me anything about Dad.

Decided to take another Road Not Taken. Decided to apologize to Duke. Decided even if Duke tells me off for being a jerk, I’m man enough to go see him. Tagged along with Mom.

The old people were so excited to see us, it was sad. Mom did the ladies’ nails and showed off the pictures of me in my Snowball suit and Amanda in her slinky dress. Some of the old men really got a kick out of the Amanda pictures.

Duke ignored us. Kept his eyes on the newspaper. Must be weird to read about the world from a nursing home.

He didn’t look up until I said, “I’m sorry, Duke.” He folded the newspaper and set it on his lap. Then he bobbed his head at me and goes, “That’s all right, I was once a teenager myself.”

I tried to calculate how many years ago that was—70, 75? I thought, Maybe it’s okay my life is so messed up now. If I’m lucky, I have another 75 years or so to overcome it.

We played Scrabble for 3 straight hours. Long after Mom left. She had to come back and get me later. He beat me every game.

That’s okay. It wasn’t just Scrabble tips. Never was, I guess. He asked how the dance went, and I unloaded on him. How I like Gina so much, but she’s rebounding. He mostly just listened.

Except about half a game after I told him all that, he said, “Can I tell you something about your so-called friend Gina, without you running off again?” I go, “So-called?” He crossed his flabby arms and frowned at me until I said, “I won’t run off again, just tell me.” So he said, “She’s not worth it.” He told me how inconsiderate she was for sulking all night and making the rest of us leave early. I said, “She was miserable, remember? Remember I told you she cried in the bathroom?” He goes, still frowning, “I don’t like her.”

Then he said she must have me totally distracted if I’d use my
z
for a little word like
zoo
and leave it open for him. He put
zirconia
over a triple word score for 107 points.

If he could meet Gina and see her bright dark eyes and her little wrists and shoulders, he’d realize how sweet she really is. Not that she’d ever set foot in Golden Village.

It sucks when you like someone more than they like you. Gina called to make sure I had no hard feelings about the Snowball. To make sure I understood. That’s what she said. She wasn’t trying to ruin my night, she said.

Even though I’ve been mad at her all week, I told her I understood. I asked her if she was feeling better. Even while I pictured Duke shaking his head in disgust, I asked about her Christmas.

To make it even worse, I invited her over to play Scrabble and she turned me down. Now I’m not only mad at Gina, I’m mad at myself too. What a loser. Though I bet I would have beaten her.

Dr. Vermin’s over all the time now. Ever since Mom started winter break from law school, she just hangs with Verm every day. He had dinner here again tonight.

Just when I’m thinking he’s not such a bad dude, I hear them arguing in Mom’s bedroom. He complained how he never gets to sleep over and how he’s not driving home on New Year’s Eve with all the drunks on the road, and then Mom brought me into it. The whole fight turned out to be because of me. She doesn’t want to set a bad example. She goes, “Even if Amanda could handle it, Mike’s always been so sensitive.” I hate that. She says I still have issues from the Divorce. I hate that too. Pulling out all the psychological crap and fighting about me behind my back.

It’s not psychological. I just don’t want him sleeping over. I don’t want him seeing me in my bathrobe. I don’t want to have to eat breakfast with him. I don’t want to share the Sports section with him. I don’t want any more people in this house using up the hot water before I can take my shower. I don’t want him having sex with Mom in the bed Dad used to sleep in.