Stiltskin (Andrew Buckley) (19 page)

“You should apologize,” suggested the voice.

“Will you please shut up!” said Robert.

“All right I think I’ve had quite enough,” said Arollis, losing his temper.

“Sorry,” said Robert, “got lost in my own mind, carry on.”

Lily and the Gnomes were staring at him. General Gnarly had a glint of realization somewhere behind those old eyes.

Lily tried diplomacy one more time. “Arollis, you have a lovely family and I’d hate to see anyone get hurt here today. We’ve never met before and I keep the knowledge of my existence to a minimum and even then only among those I trust. I can however assure you that if you continue along this particular path of trying to rob us that it will end badly for you and your kin.”

The bandits laughed again. Even Abbigail let out a giggle. It sounded a lot like someone chewing on rocks, but still, a giggle, nevertheless.

“Gruntnard, please take care of the one they refer to as the
moron
; Abbigail, please take care of our friendly Agent, and brothers, we will take care of our two small problems.”

Abbigail moved with surprising speed to grab Lily but was met with a very diplomatic kick to the testicles that caused him to literally rise off the ground a few inches. Lily grabbed a handful of the large man’s shirt and heaved him backwards over her head into a tree, causing a cracking sound that could have been the tree trunk or possibly the permanent realignment of Abbigail’s spine.

The four brothers dived for the Gnomes, who were now brandishing shiny, sharp weapons, and Lily moved to help them.

Robert was left facing Gruntnard who, after seeing his own brother thrown aside by a small female, was proceeding with caution. Gruntnard wasn’t known for his thinking skills. There was a very good chance he couldn’t spell
skills
. He was more known for his ability to snap bones and cause internal bleeding. Normally, he would have lunged at Robert, who would quickly be rendered unconscious and then relieved of all his worldly possessions.

“Uh,” said Gruntnard.

“Don’t be rude,” said the voice in Robert’s head, “say something.”

“Please don’t hurt me,” said Robert meekly.

“No, be more confident,” demanded the voice.

“I mean, don’t even think about hurting me, or, ehh…”

“Or else,” suggested the voice.

“Or else!” finished Robert.

“Or else wot?” said Gruntnard

“Or else what?” Robert asked the voice.

“That’s wot I sed,” grumbled Gruntnard, scratching his head. This was more conversation than he was used to with his victims. He raised a fist like a sledgehammer and waved it menacingly as if trying to figure out the best place to hit that would cause the most damage.

“Maybe we should change the subject; ask him about his family?” suggested the voice.

“How’s your mother these days?” asked Robert with as much sympathy as he could muster.

“Well, we don’t talk anymore, do we,” said Gruntnard lowering his fist a little.

“Well, that’s no good, everyone needs a mother,” said Robert.

“Uh yeah. Do you ‘ave a muther?” asked Gruntnard.

“No, I’m an orphan. Never knew my mother. Why don’t you talk to your mother anymore?”

“She don’t like tha’ bizniss I’m in, she thinks it’s too ruff.”

“You know, she might have a point,” said Robert.

“Oh nice, I see where you’re going with this,” said the voice.

“Well, it’s all I’m good at really. Hurting people’s what I do.”

“Surely there’s something else you’d like to do, maybe something that your mother might not mind so much? What else are you good at?”

Gruntnard dropped his fist to his side. “Well, I like to bake every now un then.”

“Baking… really?” said the voice.

“Shut up,” said Robert.

“No really, I love to bake every now un then. Nothin too complicated, just bread or some scones or maybe a nice apple pie.”

“Well, maybe you should do that? Think how much better your mother would feel. I’m sure she loves you a lot and probably doesn’t like all the bone-breaking you’re probably used to.”

“Well, yes,” said Gruntnard, tearing up slightly, “she’d be much happier if I’d stop making people bleed all the time.”

“And she probably works hard,” suggested Robert. “Must break her heart to see you not doing what you enjoy doing. And I’m sure you don’t want to break her heart.”

Gruntnard started sobbing slightly. “Well no…”

“Of course, you’d have to stop what you’re doing right now but just think how happy she’ll be. I’ll bet she’ll have a twinkle in her eye when you tell her you’re going to become a baker.”

Gruntnard’s large shoulders were shaking as the tears began to flow freely. “I wanna see my mummy!”

“You should hug him,” said the voice.

“Are you sure?” asked Robert.

“Look at him; he’s bawling. The least you can do is give him a hug.”

Lily ducked beneath Arollis’ arm as he swung a dagger in a wide arc. She grabbed his wrist and swung her head up, breaking his arm. She punched him in the stomach, then threw him onto the pile with his brothers as he doubled over. General Gnarly was re-concealing his weapons while Gnick dusted himself off.

“Robert!” said Lily. She often got lost in the moment when fighting and Robert had slipped her mind completely. She and the Gnomes turned around to where they’d left Robert before the fight started. What they saw was surprising.

Robert was hugging and consoling a blubbering Gruntnard, who was crying uncontrollably.

“There, there. You should probably get your family and head home. I look forward to tasting one of your pastries one day.”

“I’d like that,” said Gruntnard.

“Now go on, run along,” said Robert.

“Thanks ver much,” sniffed Gruntnard and shuffled off past Lily and the Gnomes and began gathering up his unconscious family members.

“Robert, what the hell happened?” asked Lily in disbelief.

“And you thought I couldn’t handle myself,” said Robert confidently.

“Why was he crying?”

“Obviously he was scared of me,” said Robert.

“She’s never going to buy that,” said the voice.

“There’s no way that’s true,” said Lily.

“Told ya,” said the voice.

“I appealed to his better nature. He’s going to be a baker now and give up beating the hell out of everyone.”

One of those moments took place where no one really knew what to say. When someone should say something profound but can’t figure out who should say it or what they should say. The four of them just stared at each other.

“You’re weird, moron,” said Gnick finally.

“Good job not getting killed,” said General Gnarly. “Lily, we need to talk, now!”

The pair of them moved away, leaving Gnick and Robert wondering what had just happened.

As Lily followed General Gnarly farther into the forest to escape earshot, she was surprised by the emergence of a feeling. She felt a sudden wave of admiration for Robert Darkly. She wasn’t used to feelings and she wondered what it could mean.

he concept of having a City of Oz that resided in the province of Oz was completely lost on many residents of Thiside. When the Emerald City had been left in ruins almost three hundred years ago, the best architects in all of Thiside were commissioned by the Wizards of Oz to build a new city. The architects charged an extortionate amount of money but no one batted an eyelid as they were, after all, the best. Despite many residents of the ruined Emerald City being homeless and living in overcrowded camps, the architects took almost a year to design and release their first plans for the new city, but this was completely understandable because they were the best.

Once the plans were released, most people had to look twice out of sheer disbelief. Upon review, the Wizards of Oz became severely confused. Instead of carefully laid out plans for an entire city, there were several large sheets of paper with some of the nicest finger-painting seen anywhere in Thiside or Othaside. The architects explained that they were the best at what they do and that drawing up plans was beneath them and that if the wizards wanted something more coherent than their highly detailed finger painting they should have said so. The architects were promptly fired.

The second group of architects to be hired had to be brought out of retirement as they were once the best but had since retired to a nice cottage on the Fairy Islands. They were Humanimals with the heads of pigs and the bodies of humans and there were three of them. They had built a great many houses in their time but had retired when an economic downturn, in the form of a particularly mean dragon, stole a large store of gold from the Seven Dwarves Mining Company, caused the bottom of the housing market to drop out entirely.