Stiltskin (Andrew Buckley) (12 page)

“Seriously,” said Robert, “are you sure those birds are okay?”

“Yes, they’re fine; in fact they’re almost done. Those two men―”

“Look exactly like the two that attacked me inside the Exchange. I wasn’t ready, I can tell you that. I’d like to see them try it again when I’m more aware,” said Robert as he peeked around Lily at the two little men who stared back intently.

The younger-looking one pulled a tiny dagger from somewhere within his jacket and started cleaning his fingernails, never taking his eyes off Robert.

“They’re not the same Gnomes, they’re two different ones.”

“Gnomes, even! Like the one’s my mother keeps in her garden I suppose?”

“Wooot wooouut chika,” ended the two birds abruptly.

“Does that mean they’re done?” asked Robert.

“Yes. The Gnomes are exactly like the ones your mother keeps in her garden. Don’t take them for granted and stop trying to look around me at them. They don’t take rudeness lightly and they don’t like being stared down. They’re also not partial to threats, insults, bad manners, short jokes, or being referred to as lacking in size in any way, shape or form.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes. The two standing behind me are General Gnarly and his Lieutenant, Gnick. They are the leaders of the Warrior Gnomes of the Grimm Mountains, which we are currently standing in front of. The Warrior Gnomes are among the most deadly of their kind.”

“I never thought I’d hear the words
deadly
and
Gnome
used together in the same sentence.”

“They’re a complex race and not to be taken lightly,” advised Lily.

“Yes, you mentioned that. I don’t like them,” said Robert, shaking his head.

“You don’t have to like them,” assured Lily.

“Good.”

“But you’re going to have to get used to them,” said Lily, “they’re coming with us.”

“What? Why?”

“Because they offered and because the road may not be all that safe. They can provide protection.”

“I could provide protection,” said Robert without even a hint of confidence.

“Let’s not be silly, Robert.”

“Right,” agreed Robert.

Lily turned back to the two Gnomes.

“We’d be honoured to have you accompany us,” said the Agent.

General Gnarly had been waiting at the door with Gnick ever since Gneil and Gnelly had returned with their report of the slaughter that happened within the Exchange, right under their noses. It was an outrage! One of his best trackers had monitored the Dwarf’s movements until losing him at the border of the North Territory. The tracker had hijacked a Jubjub bird and brought his report back to the General as quickly as possible.

Gnarly had decided quickly that in order to regain their position as the guardians of the Exchange they would temporarily need to align with the Agency in hunting down the murderer. Since then, an angry Fairy and the other Agent, who no Gnome could stand, had exited the Exchange and followed the Dwarf’s path themselves, which meant the Agents knew something. As much as he hated the man, Jack would have been the best candidate to join forces with, but he’d been too busy chasing his Fairy to notice them, which left Gnarly with only one other option.

The beautiful female Agent and the idiot from Othaside stood before them.

Gnarly and Gnick bowed ever so slightly. “It’ll be our honour to protect you both on your journey,” said General Gnarly. “We pledge our services to you, Agent Lily, and to you, idiot, from Othaside.”

The tall lanky one began to speak but the girl silenced him with a jab to the ribs. Gnarly had always admired the Agent called Lily. She carried the dignity of a warrior with her and her reputation was unquestionable.

Gnarly looked up to the mountains where a couple hundred Gnomes stared back at him. He gave some quick hand signals and the Gnome known as Gnorman, who was perched on a ledge sixty feet up the side of the mountain, nodded his head solemnly. The General had left Gnorman in charge as, beside himself and Gnick, he was by far the most deadly and most able to lead the tribe.

“Let’s move out, shall we?”

Robert already didn’t like the Gnomes and they’d been walking for only five minutes. Lily had set a steady pace and Robert walked beside her. Every now and then, he’d glance back to see the two Gnomes marching along twenty feet behind, deep in conversation. Every so often, they’d both glance up at Robert and laugh. Robert didn’t understand why he had to be so polite to the two little bastards, or even why Lily thought they needed them so much.

The road wound past the babbling brook where the two giant birds were lying across each other, panting heavily. Yellow and blue feathers were scattered around. It seemed like they were sleeping with a determination and resilience that most people display when they’ve climbed Mount Everest.

“What’s the deal with the giant birds? Are they dangerous?”

“It’s hard to say. Jubjub birds are highly passionate creatures. They approach everything with such a high intensity, no matter what it is. I suppose if they ever got angry they would be quite vicious.”

“And the… er… sex?”

“It’s a trait of their species to be sex obsessed. They’re rarely a problem, as they always travel in pairs. It’s rare to find a Jubjub bird that travels alone, and frankly, you don’t want to meet one.”

“Why not?”

“Because if they can’t find another Jubjub bird to mate with they’ll try and mate with pretty much anything.”

“I used to have a friend at school who was very much like that,” said Robert.

Lily laughed a shrill laugh. “I think most of the male gender, no matter what their species, are very much like that.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say all of us are that way.”

“Oh yes, all of you.”

“Well, then.”

“In fact, if the male species all got together, I mean all of you in one place, I bet the IQ level would probably jump over fifty.”

“I don’t think there’s any need for―”

“Although that much testosterone in one place would probably cause some sort of ecological explosion.”

“So, who’s this Historian we’re going to see?” said Robert.

Lily threw him a dirty look. “He’s a record keeper. In the same way that the Rabbit was appointed to be the Regulator, the Wolf was appointed Historian.”

“He’s a wolf?”

“Mostly wolf. He served many years in the Tower before he was deemed too old and decrepit to be a threat any longer, and due to several hundred years of good behaviour and an interest in the histories, he was appointed to be a record keeper; the Historian.”

“What’s the Tower?”

“It’s the prison, you moron!” said General Gnarly.

Robert looked back to see the Gnomes had caught up and were only a few steps behind. He ignored the two little men.

“And how is the Historian going to help us?”

“Rumpelstiltskin escaped from the Tower last night. Since then, the only notable things he’s done are visit you and break into the Exchange. We need to find out what he was doing before he was sentenced to the Tower.”

Robert had been meandering around the intricacies of conversation in the fond hope of asking Lily where she fit into this world, and he felt the pathway of revelation opening up ahead of him.

“Lily,” began Robert.

“Yes.”

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“No.”

It appeared to Robert that a tall tree had fallen onto the pathway of revelation, blocking his approach, and he found that he was completely lacking a chainsaw and would have to find a way to meander around it. Unfortunately, meandering wasn’t really Robert’s strong point. In fact, now he thought about it, he really didn’t have any strong points.

The bleeding had almost stopped but Rumpelstiltskin still felt lightheaded. He had expected that it would be difficult to get what he wanted from the White Rabbit, which was why attacking him directly seemed to be the better option rather than trying to convince the annoying beast verbally that he should simply give up his blood voluntarily. What he didn’t consider were the obvious dangers of attacking a three-hundred-pound giant rabbit. Despite the Regulator being a pompous, over-articulate ass, he could also pack a hell of a punch.

When he had attacked, the Rabbit had moved with the distinct speed of, well, a rabbit. What Rumpelstiltskin had thought to be a stealthy attack had turned into a fight to keep the Rabbit’s claws from getting close enough to rearrange his insides. It’d been more luck than anything that had allowed the Dwarf to leave with only a minor head wound and a limp.

The blood-soaked cloth he’d used to clean his knife was safely tucked away in his pocket. His only regret was leaving the knife behind; it was well balanced, freshly sharpened, and if Rumpelstiltskin appreciated anything, it was a well-balanced, sharp knife. His desire to continue his plan had been thwarted for the last half an hour as he searched in vain for a weapon. The Agency wouldn’t be too far behind and even the White Rabbit might seek retribution. It wouldn’t be long before he was in the City of Oz and he’d feel a whole lot safer if he had a good knife with which to defend himself or, alternatively, murder without remorse. The Dwarf giggled at the thought.

He’d followed the Eastern Yellow Brick Road, which was overgrown and broken to the point of being all but invisible. He’d passed through Miller’s Forest without encountering any inhabitants or travellers. Most forest dwellers were nocturnal, and the sun was only now beginning its dramatic dive toward the horizon.

The sun completed this complex manoeuvre every day and had done so since the beginning of time. In Othaside, the sun rose and set in a continuous arc that rarely changed. In Thiside, the sun had a creative sense of purpose that sometimes gave it the inclination not only to rise and set but to rise and set with a style and panache that would make a French Olympic figure skater blush. On this particular day, the sun planned to complete a complex triple axel jump with a twist before sinking below the horizon.

Rumpelstiltskin now stood on the edge of Miller’s Forest which opened out onto a steep rocky hill that led down to a small settlement a hundred yards below. The settlement contained four large houses with thatched roofs built around a ten-foot wooden statue. The statue was a female figure with long, flowing hair made out of braided straw. The statue’s hair flowed down to the ground and spread out in all directions.

A shrill scream echoed in the back of the Dwarf’s mind; a memory of his time in the Tower, and one inmate in particular crept to the forefront. The witch, Rapunzel, had been locked in the Tower for several thousand years. Even as a prisoner, he’d heard rumours of an uprising of followers who believed Rapunzel was some sort of wrongfully imprisoned goddess. They worshipped her, believed her hair to be magical, longed for her release, and had petitioned to the courts of Oz several hundred times for them to do just that. After the appeal was turned down for the six hundred and thirty-second, time the followers disbanded to create settlements to help grow their numbers until such time as they had enough manpower to storm the Tower and release their deity. The only drawback was that most normal people believed that the followers were insane and the concept of following a witch that was responsible for killing hundreds was a little on the strange side. As a result, their numbers grew slowly.