Star (8 page)

"What's all that supposed to mean?" Misty asked, scrunching up her nose.
"It means if you spend all your time dreaming and hoping, you'll be disappointed. You've got to work hard at being happy and not expect it'll just come floating along and bite your hook," I said.
Doctor Marlowe smiled.
"Maybe we should be sitting around with her grandmother," Jade offered dryly.
"It hasn't hurt Star," Doctor Marlowe said.
Jade pulled in the corner of her mouth. She looked like her eyes were tearing up.
Suddenly, I realized something about her. She has nobody, I thought. That's it. That's what makes her so mean and nasty sometimes.
Maybe she'smot so rich after all.

Steve's house for dinner.
"'What do you mean you and this boy are going
to make dinner for yourselves and you want to make a
pie? Where's his momma? Why doesn't she cook?' she
wanted to know.
"I explained what had happened to Steve's
mother without telling her about his father and his
drinking. I knew that would spook her, but she started
to ask more and more questions about his father until I
had to admit that I didn't know very much about him. "'You are going over to that man's house to eat
his supper and you don't know anything about him?
What if he doesn't want you there? I don't like this,'
she said shaking her head.
"'Granny, if there's any problem, I swear I'll just
leave and come right back,' I promised.
"'Why don't you bring this boy around here
first?' she suggested. T11 cook him a meal.'
"'He's too shy, Granny. He won't come.' "'He's too shy to come here, but not too shy to invite you there?' she asked, her eyes narrowing with
worry and suspicion.
"'He's living on his own, Granny. His daddy's
not there much.'
"'I don't like the sound of that, Star,' she said
shaking her head.
"'I won't get into trouble, Granny,' I told her.
'You don't think I'm a good girl? You don't think you
can trust me?'
"''Course I do,' she said, 'but sometimes things
happen anyway.'
"'I like him, Granny. He's a nice boy. He was
good to Rodney and you know from what you heard
Rodney say that Rodney likes him, too.'
"'You want to take Rodney with you?' she
asked. I couldn't tell if that would make her happier or
more reluctant.
"'No, Granny. I want to have some time to
myself. Thanks to Momma, I never really did,' I said.
'I'm nearly sixteen,' I told her, 'and I haven't even been
out on a real date.'
"I hated to sound like I was whining, but that
was what I was doing. Granny gave it more thought
and I guess she concluded I did deserve some
freedom. We hadn't heard from Momma in a long time and there was little hope she would come back soon for me and Rodney. Together, Granny and I had
a lot of responsibility now.
"'Well, you call me if you have to leave and you
be extra careful, Star. I don't have the strength to deal
with some new big problem.'
"'I know that better than you do, Granny. I keep
telling you that you're doing too much, don't I? I tell
you to leave the wash for me, but you do it all before I
get home from school, and you hardly ever let me do
any of the cooking, not to mention cleaning this
place,' I reminded her.
"She looked at me and laughed.
"'That's true enough,' she said. 'Okay. I'll help
you make the pie,' she concluded and we set to doing
it.
"Rodney was upset that he wasn't going along,
but I promised him we would do something fun with
him on the weekend and he settled for it.
"I don't think I was ever more excited about
anything than I was about going to Steve Gilmore's
house for dinner. I imagine it doesn't sound like much
to you girls to go have frozen pot pies with a boy, but
to me it was my Sweet Sixteen, a school prom, and a
big fancy date all wrapped into one night."
"I would have thought it would be fun," Misty
admitted with those big innocent eyes.
Jade looked away rather than comment and Cat
looked like she agreed with Misty.
"So, after I brought Rodney home from school
the next day, I packed up the salad and the pie and
headed for the bus stop. I had to walk three blocks to
Steve's neighborhood after I got off the bus and it
wasn't the nicest section of the city. Some of the
houses looked downright deserted. The streets were
dirty and there were broken-down cars that looked
like they had been left there for months.
"His house was small with just a patch of grass
in the front. Some of the grass looked yellow and
there were big dead spots. The front porch on the
house leaned to one side like it had collapsed after an
earthquake or the beams holding it up had just rotted:
A front window had a crack in it and most of the
siding was peeled and faded badly. The truth is when I
first came upon it, I thought I might have the wrong
address. I didn't think anyone lived in this one either. "However, Steve must have been watching for
me because the moment I turned into his short,
chipped and broken cement sidewalk, he stepped out
the front door.
"'Welcome to my palace,' he said with a
crooked smile, holding his arms out wide.
"'How long have you lived here?' I asked trying
not to sound too critical.
"'Long as I can remember. It was my grandpa's
house, my father's daddy. When he died, it was practically all he had to leave to him, I guess. Once it was
nice. I know because I've seen some pictures. "'Well, come on inside. No sense in putting it
off,' he added.
"You could tell two men lived there by
themselves the moment you stepped through the door.
The living room furniture needed a good dusting, the
rugs were worn so thin in spots, you could see the
wood floor beneath them. There were glasses and
bottles on tables and the ashtrays were full of butts.
On closer look I could see places where Steve's father
had let a cigarette ash burn into the sofa or the easy
chair. I knew his father must have done it because
Steve didn't smoke and I also knew how careless
Momma used to be when she drank and smoked. "None of the windows had curtains, just shades,
and the house itself had a musty, damp smell. Jade grimaced as if she had stomach gas. "The kitchen looked somewhat better, probably because Steve had done some last minute cleaning in anticipation of my arrival. They had a round, badly chipped wooden table and chairs in it, a microwave as well as a stove and a refrigerator that looked like it was threatening to drop dead. The motor made a small clang. The walls throughout the house needed a good whitewash, and in the kitchen, the linoleum floor was buckling in the corners and badly stained in many
spots.
"There was little decoration on the walls, no
flowers, no pictures, no knickknacks, no feminine
touch anywhere. I had a glimpse of his father's room
when he showed me the rest of the small house. There
were clothes lying on the floor, over chairs and on the
unmade bed. Steve's room was neat, but the furniture
looked ready for the antique farm, if you know what I
mean, dull finish, chipped and scratched, just like
most of the pieces in the house. There was just an old,
faded oval gray area rug beside his bed.
"Steve could see my reaction to his home. It's
always hard for me to hide what I'm thinking I've got
a pair of eyes that might as well be magnifying
glasses over my thoughts."
"You can say that again," Jade muttered. I glared at her for a moment and then returned
to telling them about Steve.
"'When my mother was alive, this place looked
decent at least,' he told me.
"'I bet,' I said and he laughed at how I had said
it. 'I mean you and your father aren't much at
housekeeping.'
"'He ain't much at anything,' Steve muttered.
'Hungry?' he asked.
"'Sure,' I said and we went about preparing our
dinner. He was excited about the pie. I told him my
granny had made the crust. It was her specialty and no
matter how much I tried, I couldn't get it as good. He
liked hearing me talk about Granny, how she fidgeted
over her home cooking, her stories about her own
mother and father, and of course, her famous sayings. "When I asked him about his grandparents, he
could only remember his father's daddy. He had never
seen his mother's parents; they had both died before
he was five or six.
"I wondered why he didn't have any brothers or
sisters and he said, 'Just luck.'
"I was going to laugh when I saw how serious
he was about it.
"'Can you imagine if there was another kid in
this house, especially younger, like Rodney? You know what things have been like for him,' he said and we sat and talked a little more about life with an alcoholic for a parent. That's when I realized even more that we really were birds of a feather," I said and
paused.
"Why?" Jade asked. She didn't want to give me
a moment's rest, it seemed. Why was she so damn
anxious to hear all my story? I had come this morning
thinking they all wouldn't be interested in my poor
girl's life, and they seemed more interested in me than
in Misty and maybe themselves.
"Because of the feelings he had about it, the
kind of things he thought.
"'I used to feel like smashing things,' he told
me. 'My father was drunk so much, I was sure he
didn't care about me. Counselors and such always told
me I couldn't do anything about his problem. He was
sick. They wanted me to think of him as suffering
some diseases, you know.
"'I'm
not religious,' he said, 'but I couldn't help
wondering why God let this happen to me and
especially to my momma. You ever think that?' "'Lots of times,' I told him. 'Granny used to tell
me it's all just a test and we should feel sorry for those
who are hurting us.'
"'You believe that?' he asked quickly. I didn't
want to say I did. I knew he didn't.
"'Sometimes,' I admitted, 'but not often.' "He laughed and talked about all the times he
thought about running away.
"'I almost did last year,' he said, 'but I talked to
this counselor at school, Mr. VanVleet, and he said,
"Just accept it, Steve. Accept it and move on with
your own life. When your father's ready to help
himself, he will, or if he won't, you can't make him." "'I thought that made sense so I tried doing
what he suggested and I ignored my father as much as
I could. If he wasn't home to eat, too bad. If he fell
over and slept on the floor most of the night, tough,
even if he threw up over himself. For a little while, it
was like a truce or something in here. We didn't talk
much and we didn't see each other much when he was
sober.'
"'Did it help any?' I asked.
"'Some, I think He drank less for a while and
started to act like he cared about me, you know. He'd
ask how's your schoolwork? What do you want to do
with yourself after you finish school? Questions I
guess other parents ask their kids all the time. "'And then . . .' He paused and looked like he
wasn't going to go on.
"'What?' I pushed.
"'He got mixed up with a woman who drinks
more than he does. I can't stand her. A lot of garbage
comes out of her mouth and when he turns his back or
leaves her alone with me, she . .
"'She what?' I asked
"'Never mind,' he said. 'Luckily, most of the
time he's at her place. That's probably where he's at
tonight,' he told me.
"He was so full of rage, he made my anger look
like a little drizzle. We were both quiet for a long
moment, both trying to keep our blood calm. "'What does your father do for work now?' I
asked him. He had told me his father once had a good
job with the water department but got fired because he
came in late too often and drunk once.
"'He works at a garage. I think it's a chop shop,
myself,' he added.
"I asked him what that was and he said a place
where they bring stolen cars to tear off parts and sell
them. Of course, that frightened me a little, but he
shrugged and said, 'Like the man told me, ignore him.' "In the fading, purplish light of the falling day,
his glimmering eyes met with mine and we stared at each other for a long moment. Though I knew his heart had been shredded even worse than mine, I could sense his longing to put it together and fill it with some sort of love and he knew what I was thinking, Like I said," I added with a small smile,
"two magnifying glasses on my thoughts.
"'You're a really nice girl,' he said.
"'Thank you,' I told him.
"'I don't mean just nice,' he continued. 'I mean
you're pretty in and out.'
"I smiled, not really knowing what he meant.
He looked frustrated with his attempt to express
himself.
"'Granny's always telling me I'm pretty,' I said. "'She's right of course, but I mean more. There
are lots of good-looking girls at our school, I guess,
but they're just beautiful on the outside. Your beauty
goes deep. Yours is where it really counts,' he said. "I thanked him again. He felt awkward so we
talked about dinner and set the table. Together with
the salad and some fresh bread he had bought, our pot
pies tasted pretty good. Afterward, we had the apple
pie and he had some ice cream to put on it. We both
had seconds.
"'I bet you think I'm a pig,' I said. 'I don't
usually eat like this.'
"'I think when you feel happy, you have a
bigger appetite,' he said. I agreed and I told him how I
thought sadness was like a sickness. I couldn't believe
how easy it was to talk with him now and how much I
wanted to tell him. The more we talked, the closer I
felt to him.
"'When we got up to put the dishes in the sink,
we stood really close to each other and we kissed. It
was just a short kiss. I call it a test kiss. You throw
your lips out there and see what happens."
"What happened?" Misty asked.
"We kissed again, longer, and then . . "You forgot about the dishes," Jade said with a
slow, know-it-all nod. Her eyes were bright and sharp
and full of her own experiences.
"Exactly," I said.
Misty's smile widened into a small laugh. Cat
looked like she was turning white from holding her
breath so long.
A wry smile twisted Jade's lips.
"Thought so," she said with great selfsatisfaction.
"Yeah, but what you think happened, didn't
happen."
"Ever?" she challenged.
"That night," I said and she sat back, still quite
pleased with herself.
After a beat of silence, Misty asked, "Why
didn't it?" "His daddy came home," I said, "and things
got very unpleasant very quickly."
Jade's eyebrows rose. Cathy bit down on her
lower lip. Doctor Marlowe sipped some water and
stared at me. I could almost hear her asking herself,
"Would I go on?"
"Steve and I cleaned up the kitchen, neither of
us saying very much. Every once in a while, we
would look into each other's eyes and pause. My heart
started a heavy, faster beat that grew louder and
harder every time he and I grazed each other. It was
like electricity was in the air.
"I know a lot. of people, especially other girls
my age, look at me and think I've been with a lot of
boys, but I'd never had anything like a boyfriend