Authors: Ashley Johnson
“Why not Hope? I love you; I can’t love anyone but you.”
“I can’t forget what I saw Brad. I can’t erase that from my mind. It hurt like hell.” I choke out.
“I only want to touch you Hope, only you for the rest of my life. I’ll make you see that.”
He leans back in, bringing his lips to meet mine. Again. Can he change? He’s the only man I’ve ever loved; do I want this to work? Everyone will be pissed, but is it what I want? I’m so confused by all of this. My brain is foggy from the wine, I shouldn’t have had any. He scoops me up in his arms carrying me to my room and I don’t protest it. He lays me on the bed showering me with his kisses and I’m feeling like that hopeless teenage girl all over again. The sweatpants are off and I’m quivering beneath his touch. His mouth is back on mine as he moves his other hand up my shirt. I haven’t felt a passionate touch from him in so long, I could almost unravel right here. His arousal pressed against my inner thigh, almost begging to come out of his jeans. I managed to get my breathing together long enough to help unbutton them and he quickly removed them.
“I love you so much Hope.” He murmurs as he plants kisses from my breast down to my navel. I held my breath for a minute as I feel the intensity build up. I almost forget that my finger was throbbing from the shattered glass. I can’t answer him right now, so I don’t. I just let him continue to satisfy me.
He kisses me hard getting ready to make my world explode when my phone rings. A feeling of déjà vu comes over me bringing back memories of the night Brad and my relationship came to an end. This time, it was my phone ringing. Part of me is disappointed but the better half is relieved. “I should check that.”
“It can wait,” he whispers as he slowly tried to kiss me again.
“Brad, it could be Amber. Please.”
He lets out a sigh but kisses my forehead as I jump up to grab my phone.
Chapter 14
My heart plummets
, it’s Wesley. What was I about to do? I feel dirty. I have a boyfriend. One I don’t see nearly as often as I want to, but still I have a boyfriend. This is not right by any means. Brad cheated on me and I hated him for it. Nothing about it is justifiable and I fight back tears thinking about how I’m just as horrible as Brad.
I step out of the room as fast as I can and answer the call. “Hello?”
“Hey beautiful, I wanted to hear your voice again before I went to bed.”
I’m officially the biggest piece of shit in the world. My chest aches knowing what I’m hiding, “Really now?”
I can picture his grin as he replies, “Of course, I miss you. What are you doing?” I have to stop from crying out that I was pretty much just seconds away from making a big mistake with my ex because I’m a stupid, vulnerable girl. This phone call was the biggest miracle of my life.
“Oh, just relaxing.” My face is crimson from the lie I tell, but he can’t see it.
“I wish I was relaxing with you.”
“Hope, baby come back in here with me.” My world freezes and shatters all at once; the kind of shatter that you’re almost certain can’t be put back together again. It’s the giant jigsaw puzzle that you keep hidden in the back of the closet because a few of the pieces are missing. I could kill Brad right now because there’s no way Wesley didn’t hear that. A million scenarios go through my mind and I don’t like a single one of them.
“Hope, who’s there with you?” he asks cautiously.
I’ve been caught. And I want to cry but I could have stopped it easily. This is my entire fault. “Wesley please, it’s not what you think it is.”
“Enlighten me please.” His tone is a little harsh and I can’t blame him at all. I sit there frozen on the phone unsure of what could possibly make this not sound as bad as it is because it is one hundred percent bad.
“Brad came by to talk.” I answer. It’s all I can come up with. The truth will tear him apart. It’s tearing me apart right now.
“According to what he said, he’s doing more than talking to you.” I can hear the agitation a little more. I want to end this call and pretend I never answered. I want to turn back time and pretend Brad never showed up tonight trying to work his charm.
“He kissed me. I didn’t mean to kiss him back.” I blurt out immediately hating myself. He doesn’t answer right away and I don’t blame him. What the hell is he supposed to say to that? “I’ve got to go Wesley. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you hang this phone up, Hope. Talk to me. If you want to be with him, then just tell me. Don’t string me along thinking I’m your puppet because I’m not a fool.”
I start crying like a damn fool myself. He knows more happened, I can’t lie to him on the phone. He can read me like a damn book. “He only touched me Wesley. We didn’t have sex. I swear. I’m so stupid. I’m sorry, I’m vulnerable. I miss you.”
Silence again. It’s making me extremely uncomfortable. Brad walks out my bedroom and smirks at me like he’s waiting to finish what he started but I can’t do it. I should have never let him inside the apartment. I glare at him through my tear filled eyes and whisper, “You need to leave Brad. Now.”
Wesley finally speaks up. The sound of his voice had me clenching my chest for dear life. “Why don’t you just tell him to stay Hope? You obviously made your choice. I wish it were me and it pisses me off I’m not around to fight for you.”
“Wes, no. My choice is you. This was a mistake tonight. I swear to you.” I beg through the phone. Brad stands by the counter continuing to watch me. Waiting for me to crumble so he can pick up the pieces. I glare at him and just point to the front door this time. He hesitates but I pick up a candlestick holder threatening to throw it at his head. That lights a fire under his ass as he continues to smile and walks out. I quickly lock the door behind him waiting for Wesley to respond.
“Hope, I don’t know what to even say right now. If I hadn’t called, would you have taken it farther?” I’m shocked by his question and I hesitate answering. I of course want to say no but deep down I know we most likely would have gone through with it because I’m weak and so very stupid. Brad and I have a long past, there were once feelings there.
“You can’t answer me, can you? Well I have my answer then. I can’t believe I was beginning to really fall for you. You really fooled me. I’ve got to go Hope.” And just like that he hangs the phone up. Tears began to cascade down my cheeks. In a matter of a few minutes, my life changed again and once again all because of Brad.
Why can he make me feel so vulnerable like that? How can he make me want to fall under his spell when I want nothing to do with him? I want to call Wesley back but I keep hearing his voice in my head. The sound of his voice is haunting me and I know I won’t be getting any sleep tonight. Amber doesn’t keep sleeping pills anywhere in her vicinity anymore since my incident and I didn’t even live with her when it happened. It’s going to be a long night.
I drag my feet to my room and collapse on my bed crying a river on my comforter. I’m immediately disgusted because Brad laid on these and I rip them off the bed tossing them carelessly onto the floor. I pull myself into the fetal position and stare blankly at the wall. A shadow appears in front of me and I slowly raise my eyes to see. I never heard Amber come in.
Amber’s voice fills the apartment when I’m assuming she sees the shattered wine glass that never got cleaned all the way. “Hope? Are you ok?”
I don’t answer her. I’m still in shock over what happened. Just like that, Wesley is gone from my life and I’m not sure how to deal with this. I finally thought I had something good in my life, something that could make all the bad disappear but I should have known better.
“What are you doing Olivia Hope Trahan?” God, I hate my first name. No one has called me that in years. Not even my Mom or Dad.
“Amber don’t call me that.”
“Calm down, it’s your name. What I should be asking you is why did I just pass Brad?” She asked.
The dried blood on my finger is pretty much evident and she continues to stare at me waiting for my answer. “Brad came by,” I whisper.
“You let him in the apartment? Hope, why?”
I don’t know. Because I’m a freaking idiot! “I don’t know Amber. I had a moment of stupidity. He caught me off guard when he kissed me and the glass fell. I tried to pick up the glass but I cut my finger. I kissed him back. I feel horrible and the worst part, if Wesley hadn’t called, things may have gone further. Wesley heard Brad and he won’t talk to me. Why am I so stupid?”
She studies my face for a minute no doubt trying to figure out what the hell she is supposed to tell me. This time I’ve royally screwed things up. Her lips press into a thin fine line and she lets out a small breath. I know what’s coming. Here comes her giving me a piece of her mind.
“I really don’t understand you Hope. You left him because he cheated on you, because he treated you like crap. How could you let him get under your skin like that?”
Her words are harsh cutting me deep. I feel like I’m bleeding out. She’s getting ready to say something else but I quickly decide I don’t want to hear the rest. I grab my phone looking to see if maybe, just maybe Wesley texted back. But there was nothing. There was no phone call, no messages even telling me how badly I hurt him. Brad hadn’t even said anything and I at least expected something since he was telling me how he can change and be who I need him to be.
Amber continues to talk, but I ignore her as I numbly stand to my feet and begin walking out the room.
“Hope, I’m talking to you. Stop walking, please just sit down and listen.” But I can’t listen anymore. I can’t do this.
My purse is sitting on the kitchen counter. I can see my keys dangling off the side. I try to catch my breath as I slip my flip flops on and walk right out the front door without even looking back.
Tears fill my eyes as I start my car. There’s only one place I really want to go right now. Well actually there are two but I can’t go to Wesley. I have no idea where he is and I’m pretty sure I’m the last person on this earth he wants to see. His words float in my head and I let the tears fall. Was he really falling for me or was he just saying that? God I feel so stupid. The last memory I have of him is from my birthday weekend and if that’s all I have to remember him by then at least it was something good but I’m so damn broken I don’t know what to do. I can’t quite say I was falling for him too. I know I definitely feel something around him. Something different from anything I ever felt with Brad and I want that feeling back. Could there possibly be another Wesley that walks into my life? I let out an aggravated sigh as I drive. My own thoughts are killing me but I can’t listen to music right now because those words will really hit where it hurts.
I pull up at the cemetery and take a deep breath as I walk in making my way towards Karlee’s headstone. Even though she was cremated, Mom and Dad still wanted to put up a memorial headstone for her in our family plot. I read the words as I stare at it: ‘
Karlee Ann Trahan. Born March 4, 1986.’
I stopped reading after that. I can’t stand to read the date she died. I can’t do it. I’ve worked so hard to try and control this pain I carry day to day. My heart tears in two as I stare at this headstone and all I can think about is the stranger who helped pull us out of the vehicle and then the cops who relayed the grim news.
I cry hard. My life is such a mess and the only person I want to talk to can’t answer me. I bring my hands up to my face crying into them. I sit down beside her headstone and just close my eyes trying to find some sort of peace. That’s all I want. I want so much and I don’t know what to do to get it back.
I pull my phone out of my purse and see Amber has called several times and she must have called the damn infantry because there were at least two missed calls from Brad. I didn’t want to talk to either one of them though. I wanted the one person that I hurt.
Chapter 15
I’m still sitting at the cemetery when I hear thunder rumble in the distance. A crack of lightening follows almost making me jump up but I don’t want to move. I almost hope that I get struck just to put myself out of this misery.
My phone vibrates about the same time another rumble comes. My heart prays for Wesley, but its Brad. Dammit, why? I want to scream, I’m so damn frustrated.
Brad: You may think I don’t give a shit but Amber is worried to death about you. Where are you? I thought you wanted that earlier, I’m sorry Hope. Just tell us where the hell you are.
I scoff at his sensitive side and decide not to answer. He thought I wanted that? Ok, maybe I did in the moment but right now I most definitely did not want that. I can’t close my eyes without seeing Wesley’s green eyes smiling at me. I remember every little touch like it just happened. What’s happening to me? I can’t do this without him. He made me see what it meant to be happy again. He put meaning back in my life and gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. Now I had no reason to get up.
I thought back to the night I took all those sleeping pills. The night I swore I’d go meet Karlee. Brad and I had been arguing for two days. He was pulling all his same shit and he had thrown Karlee’s death in my face one too many times.
“I thought I might find you here. Girl you are hard as hell to find, why did you ignore my phone calls?” Amber sits beside me pulling my hand into hers. She doesn’t say anything else. She doesn’t fuss with me, she just sits there.
“I’m sorry I ran out.” I whisper.
“Don’t be. I shouldn’t have started fussing with you. Have you talked to Wesley?” She asked quietly.
I’m fighting tears again. I’m fighting just to exist right now, I hate this so much. “No. It’s over Amb. He said he was falling for me and I’ll never see him again because I fucked up.”
“Give it time Hope. He’s crazy about you.”
“I doubt that.” I scoff.
“Don’t be such a downer Hope. Things will work out, just give them some time. People make mistakes, you are human. Do you think you can work through things?”
“I don’t know.” And we’re back to silence, both of us sitting in front of Karlee’s headstone.
My phone vibrates again and my heart seems to find a little hope when I see its Wesley. I get a few butterflies as I open it but they soon go away.
Wesley: You won’t be hearing from me for a while. I don’t even know what to say to you. I never thought you could do that to me.
What am I supposed to say to that? I choke out a sob as I let the phone fall to the grass. I pretty much assumed I wouldn’t be hearing from him but he just confirmed it.
“What did it say Hope?” Amber asked.
All I could do was point to the phone. She picks it up slowly carefully reading the message. Her mouth was in a frown as she sat there speechless. She places the phone back on the grass and holds me as I cry. Rain begins to fall on us but we just sit there. I move my phone from the grass back into my purse so it wouldn’t ruin although I don’t think I would honestly care. I prayed to God this rain would wash every inch of this hurt away from me.
********
It’s been a week since that Monday. Yep, now I officially really hate Mondays. The rest of the week sucked. I tried so hard to not let my mood affect my job but I failed almost everyday. Mr. Collins said nothing though and Bailey just offered me a small smile every time she saw me. Amber would text randomly throughout the day to check on me but she was the only one. Wesley held true to his word. I haven’t heard from him and it tears me apart. I find myself every night staring at the picture of the two of us on my phone. I feel my heart flutter at the sight of him. This is the only way I could see him now. It was the only way I’d be able to see him forever. I’m not ok with that at all.
The more I stare at the picture, the more I miss him. I miss his kind gestures. I miss the pink daisies I got. Wesley has taken a small part of my heart. I miss Wesley Tyler and I’ll never be able to tell him that. This isn’t the first time I’ve ever admitted that to myself and it hurts. I’m tired of hurting and I have the urge to text him but his last text plays through my mind. He doesn’t want to talk to me.
I pull my compact out of my desk and look at my puffy eyes. I look like I haven’t slept in years. I look like I’ve aged tremendously in the last week. It’s time to change that. I can’t sit here and wallow over someone who doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m alive and dammit, I’m going to live.
I pull my phone out of my desk and decide to text Amber.
Me: Let’s go out this Friday. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself.
Amber: OMG are you serious? This is the Hope I love :) I’m in!
I close out the message and smile. I’m taking my life back. I may not have my heart but I have my life and it’s too short to live this way.