Authors: Ebony N. Donahue
“Mom, you don’t know how much
I wish
that, that little girl was my child. You can’t get mad
now
, and decide to wave your mommy flag because I have stepped up to the plate. You can’t get mad because she runs to me for comfort and love. You…you and dad both made your beds.
NOW YOU HAVE TO LAY IN IT!
You handed her over to me…
TO ME
!” I yelled and thumped my chest with my fist. This caused my mom wince. GOD, please help me explain this better. I don’t like hurting her. (Take a deep breath)
“You gave her to me, and then both of you turned your backs. I raised her, not you or dad. I feed her, changed her, bathed her, shopped for her, and loved her. Me, that’s who, not you! You, MOTHER, checked out a long time ago. You were soooo wrong, when you said I can’t always protect her. I can…and I will. If you think for one minute that I’m letting you in this room to go after Peanut when you’re this mad, to prove some lame-ass point about you being her mother, you have another thing coming.”
Mom turned on her heels and walked away. I leaned back against the door. On the other side, I heard Peanut slide down the door and plunk her little bottom on the floor, mirroring my actions. What a nightmare! Mom has never raised her hand to hit me. But, I can’t dwell on that right now because at this moment I hear whimpering coming from two directions, one from the kitchen and the other from my room.
The only one that really matters to me at this moment is the whimpering coming from behind my bedroom door. I stand, open the door, and scoop my sister from the floor into the comforts of my arms. She clings to me with quivering limbs. I crave her happiness as much as a junkie craves his smack. How could I ever disappoint this child? How can I allow harm to come to her? How could I sit back and accept her unhappiness? I CAN’T!
I walk to my bed holding my one reason to breathe. As I sit on the bed with her in my lap, she rubs the side of my face that mom hit. I do something that I couldn’t do in the hall…I cry, for the first time in years. How is it that I worry so much for her, but she cares not of herself at this moment….she worries, for
me
? How long has it been since someone has treated and tended to me with tender hands? How long has it been since anyone has worried about the young man that’s buried inside a grown man’s body? How long has it been? Was I fourteen? Was I fifteen, when I was thrown into the role of being a man? GOD, how could I not love this child with every breath that you have blessed me with. She’s my heart.
I cry because I feel moms hurt. I cry, of a childhood lost. I cry because I would do it all over again, for this little girl who has turned all of our worlds upside down. This little girl, who is wrapped around me fiercely whispering in my ear to stop crying, and telling me how much she loves me. The determination combined with the pronouncement of love spoken in my ear from this little girl, make me cry harder. Suddenly, I feel another set of arms encircling me, encircling the both of us, Peanut and me. I hear another person crying….which causes me to cry much harder because I know who those sobs belong to. She has cried too much over the years and I never wanted to be the cause for her to shed tears of despair.
I hear mom whispering her apologies. She’s telling me that she is sorry, for not being there for me. She’s sorry, for not being there for Peanut. She’s sorry, for making me grow up too fast. She’s sorry, for burdening me with adult problems. Then she switches and starts telling me that things will change for the better, that our family will be a real family, and that she will never hit me again. That she loves me and Peanut with every fiber of her soul. That she will walk through hells fire for her children.
The flood gates have been released, my tears are on a continuous loop seeming to never end. I cried harder than I have cried in my entire life because I heard the determination and fierce love in my mother’s voice. I clung to the two women in my life, they are my lifeboat tonight.
They have taken up post on either side of me to anchor me, shielding me from the storm raging within. I fell asleep secure in this vessel of love. When I woke Monday morning, Peanut was on my left and mom was on my right. Both their arms were slung over my sides coddling…me. It felt good to be the person on the receiving end this time. I believe my mind, body and soul has gone so long without an overabundance of love and affection that I lay in bed for a few seconds, basking in their love.
This should have been a day where my mom would have to drag my ass out of bed. As soon as my alarm sounded, I disentangled all the limbs surrounding me and crept out the bed. I knew that the sooner I showered and dressed, the sooner I could get to school and see
her
. I bent over and kissed the two girls that were asleep in my bed and started getting myself together for school.
What a hell of a weekend.
Jealousy
Will my legacy be my jealousy when the topic is you?
Will my passion become my lasting impression, when my thoughts wonder to you?
Will I give a verbal slashing to anyone who interferes in what we have here?
The answer is YES, my dear! WOULDN’T YOU?
Feel my blood boil!
Hear my vocals soar!
Witness my eyes shine every time someone else thinks to look at you!
Maybe it’s ludicrous, but I’m new to this. Jealousy will be my legacy until I get a handle on you.
A simple smile will raise my dial!
A simple wink, I lose my ability to think!
This is not me; my ire has been raised to another degree. I feel as if a raging beast resides in the deeper parts of me. This has to end! Jealousy will not be my legacy because I wouldn’t want to lose you, my lover, my friend!
So, I will rein it in! I will tame the angry beast within! I will learn to subdue my jealousy even if it kills you….
I was wrong; I will never harm you, that’s my personal sad song. I believe it’s my beast speaking out of shear jealousy. I am determined to be tamed, if you promise to aim, all of your love and attention my way. So, that I can maintain my sanity and overcome my exuberant profanities, that I tend to unleash when any one woman looks at you, as if you were a free piece.
I must admit, I’ll try to submit my jealous rage in this stage of my life.
Jealousy will not be my legacy, when the topic is you! I can’t promise, but I will wholeheartedly try to subdue my fits of rage, for you!
Chapter 8
“Hey tramp! What have you been up to this entire weekend?”
“Emily, what do you want? I’m trying to get ready for school.” This was said with a little bit of growled frustration. I’m just not in the mood for Emily’s snooping today.
“Who’s the sour-puss today? What has crawled up your ass this morning? Ooh, let me guess… was that dip shit of a father being all strict and shit this weekend? Is that why I haven’t heard from you?”
Oh my GOD! Can I take a few days to myself without having to explain things? What does she want me to say, “
Emily, this weekend I was not touched by unwanted hands!”
or maybe, “
Guess what? This past Friday I met the elusive Chase Mitchell and he held me while I bawled my eyes out.”
What if I just tell her the truth, which is, that I have not stopped thinking about him for a single minute since Friday? Ooh, here is another one “
Emily, I’m nervous as hell to go to school today because if I run into Chase, how do I explain the whole crying situation?”
“Helloooo, are you still there?”
There is no need to take my frustrations out on my girl. “I’m sorry for getting short with you. I’m fine and truth be told, the Dip Shit did not bother me this weekend. Girl, that’s a miracle in itself. What’s up? Did you need something or are you calling to be a pain in my ass early this morning?”
“Shut up! I need a favor, my car has to be dropped off at the shop this morning and I need a ride to school. Can you swing by and pick me up?”
“Sure, I’ll be there in forty-five minutes and you better be ready. I don’t want to be late for school.”
The rest of the morning went along without a hitch. We made it to school on time to meet up with Keisha as usual.
“What are you driving this skuzzy tramp around for?” Keisha asked with a smile on her face.
“Oh, shut up, hood trick. It’s none of your business why I’m being driven around.”
“Emily’s car is in the shop and she asked for a ride at the crack of dawn’s glorious ass!” I answered Keisha’s question. Keisha promptly gave Emily the bird.
“What did you do this weekend?” Keisha asked.
“Damn-it did you and Emily rehearse what you were going to ask me this morning? Hell, I was minding my own business.”
As the last word trickled out of my mouth I looked up to see my friend’s faces fixated in rapture, not staring at me, but beyond me. For no reason at all, my heart starts to pound.
“What are you two loons looking at?” I asked in a hushed voice. I’m afraid I already know the answer to my own question.
“
Turn around and behold the miracle of man
!” Emily stated.
“No thanks! I’ve seen man before and believe me, most of the time they’re not a miracle at all!”
I was just about to walk off when my girls grasped my upper arm and hastily turned me.
And, behold the miracle of man!
I swallowed hard…a couple times, and quickly turned from no other than, Chase Mitchell. In that quick second of ogling him like a total idiot, I mentally cataloged the scene that was in front of me. Granted, I was only looking at the back of him because he was grabbing his books from his car, but that was enough to flood my entire body with anticipation, frustration, embarrassment and wanting.
I have never responded to a guy like this. I guess that’s where the frustration comes in at. There are a million butterflies soaring through my stomach at this moment in time. What do I do? Do I run? Do I stay? I am so totally screwed! The constrictor like grip currently holding me in place by my two best friends, has guaranteed that I will not be going anywhere soon unless, I make a scene. I am soooo, soooo majorly screwed! Even though my body is captured in a stationary spot, I have decided that my head isn’t. I know it’s childish, but I just can’t sit here and gawk at him. Can I? I’ll just turn my head, IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!
“Girl, he got on the new Timberlands!” Keisha points out.
“Yeah, I saw those.” This was my only response. I continue to stare in the opposite direction. I’m afraid to look his way.
“
Yummy
, do you see how those jeans fit his ass?” This was Emily’s response.
“Yeah, I saw it.” This was my only response.
“O-M-G! That’s the new, Polo Ralph Lauren - Tonal-Flag Crewneck Sweater, he has on! Do you know how much that cost? That’s a three hundred dollar sweater!” This was Keisha’s exuberant response.
“Really.” Was all I said.
“Look at that chest! I take it back Amber, I don’t think he’s gay. I know…I just know it! He’s straight and he can enfold me in all-that-wondrously –muscled–chest, anytime he wants!”
Emily’s voice was quiet, but excited, as if she was not trying to be heard from any outsiders. She was unable to contain her excitement at the sight of Chase. The sound of her voice was suddenly
pissing me off
.
“Yeah” Was my clipped response.
I was secretly hoping Emily would shut the fuck up. Matter of fact, I was wishing both of them would release the manacles holding me in place.
“
Let – go – of – my - arms,
you idiots! You two act like you’ve never seen a guy before.”
“I call dibs again! He’s mine! I think he was just playing a little hard ball when we first met.”
I was getting pissed off with each passing minute…no, second. No, I was getting PISSED by each passing millisecond!
Who does she think she is
? If he didn’t want her before, he’s not going to want her now! I’ll be damned if he’s going to hold her, comfort her, or even love her.
FUCK THAT!! HE-IS-MINE!
Wait…wait…wait, a fucking minute! What is wrong with me? Who am I to act territorial? Me, jealous and upset over a dude. Shake it off Amber, shake it off! My temper started to quickly dissipate after my quick and sensible inner debate.
Cuba Magnum, what a lovely masculine smell. The butterflies that quickly returned at the first whiff of that delectable smell, has just informed me that this particular masculine smell belonged to no other than, Chase Mitchell. From the loosening manic grip on my arms, I could tell that Mr. Mitchell was closing in on my dwindling personal space.
It’s time for an inner pep talk.
Get it together before you turn around. Maybe, he has forgotten about my little nervous break at the zoo, Friday. Maybe, he won’t even remember it was me. Turn, smile, and pretend you haven’t met him before. You can handle this!
“Wellllllll, hello Chase! I knew you would come around sooner than later.” This is Emily…Emily turning her sultry voice into a weapon, which usually brings guys to their knees.
“Hi… I’m sorry, what’s your name again? I apologize; I was rushing to my class when you first introduced yourself to me the first time we met.” His voice ignited something deep inside me.
“My name is Emily, babe.” I can’t believe this shit! I can’t stand around and listen to this crap.
“Excuse me! Come on Keisha, let’s get to class!”
I don’t know what Keisha saw when she turned to look in my direction, but whatever expression that was written all over my face had her taking a double take.
“Amber, don’t you want to wait on Emily?”
“
WHAT FOR
? You know what ... you stay, I’ll go!”
As I turned, I heard a deep chuckle, a male chuckle. This simple thing…this chuckle, will be the end of me. Am I a joke to him?
This motherfucker has consumed every thought since I met him and he thinks I’m funny!
Who the fuck do he think he is? The whole time that Emily was divvying up his body parts for consumption, the entire length of their conversation, the butterflies that were once occupants of my body have slowly died in the hot embers of my rage.
That
chuckle
, that
fucking chuckle,
has turned those embers into a, HOT-FUCKING-RAGING INFERNO! I felt as if I were consumed by flames. The fury that I felt incensed my internal fire, causing it to burn out of control and show itself on the surface of me.
BURN BABY BURN!
When I turned around to answer that annoying ass chuckle, all three of these motherfuckers were in my line of fire. The owner of the chuckle was my, GOD – Be - Damned target. They all flinched at the sight of me…
GOOD
!
“Is something funny? Do you think of me as a goddamned joke? What…what is it? Am I funny?” My voice was that eerie quiet before a storm lets loose. “Am I
FUCKING FUNNY
?” I yell this last question. I threw my words at him as if they were swords. My eyes blazed with the heat of the fire that consumed me.
“
What’s wrong with you, you crazy bitch
! I swear Amber; go take a Midol or something!” Emily threw her words at me. “Excuse, her behavior Chase, I think my girl is being visited by her Aunt Flow.” She then turns to me as if she hasn’t done enough damage. “Is she visiting for five or seven days this month?”
Can anyone say,
FUCKING MORTIFIED!
I have never been this embarrassed in my life! First, I snap like some crazed she-wolf. Second, this bitch is talking about my period! WHO DOES THAT?
“Fuck you, you B…. Just fuck you! I can’t do this…I’m …I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with…”
For the second time in a span of a few days I was in tears. I did the only other thing I could think of at this moment, I turn to run away. Before I got a few feet in my escape of mortal embarrassment, I was surrounded by a familiar strong embrace. I was surrounded by the masculine smell of Cuba Magnum which, I now associate as being the smell of Chase Mitchell.
“Let me go.” I say in a weak trembling voice.
“Never!” His response was whispered in my right ear.
“Please Chase, just let me go.” Another weak trembling response was my only retort. I know he thinks I’m totally mental by now.
“I’m sorry. I
can’t
let you go… I haven’t been able too since we met the other day. Please, don’t be mad at me.”
All of his words were whispered as he held me cocooned in his arms. My back was pressed securely against his front. His lips were pressed against my ear and all the while my heart skipped many beats.
“This is so embarrassing, Chase. I’m the one who’s sorry. Please, can I go now?” My voice was less shaky this time. He promptly turned me so that we were facing one another.
“No.” This simple response was accompanied with a kiss to my forehead.
“Emily,” My body stiffened in his arms at the mention of her name. Unperturbed at my stiffness, he continued addressing my friend. “I would like to apologize again. If I came across as flirting, that was not my intention. I was simply making conversation. I actually came over to speak to Amber.”
As I turned to also give an apology for my bad behavior, I was faced with bugged out eyes and open mouths of surprise. I must say, this is a first for my bosom buddies.