Soundtracks of a Life (17 page)

Chapter 25

The country house located at Emerald Bay, Lake Tahoe, was incredibly posh, with rustic chic décor and idyllic breath taking views of the lake on wall to ceiling windows that spans across the living room and kitchen areas. The lake had a dazzling shade of blue during the day and at sunset it turned to a beautiful shade of emerald green. It had snowed some during the night and outside everything is covered in a powdery white layer. It’s beautiful.

I didn’t exactly care for winter, cold weather, snow… it really wasn’t my thing. I would much rather have nice hot weather and a beach for a vacation spot but this was, nonetheless, definitely a sight to see. The whole experience was very peaceful and just what I needed at the moment.

I spent my days lazily by the fireplace, in quiet solitude, reading a book, watching a movie, playing guitar or just admiring the view and thinking…  mostly about Chris. I thought a lot about him. I missed him terribly. The pain of thinking he may not want to be with me anymore was unbearable.  I could not bring myself to believe I may have ruined the best thing in my life.  Every day,
on those moments where I just can’t stop thinking about him, I miss him so much that I finally break down and get my cell phone determined to call him. But then, his words ring in head “maybe I can’t forgive you”. It still stung… Why was he such an asshole? This pathetic little routine played out every day like a bad soap opera re-run and I ended-up never calling him. He hadn’t tried to call me either which just made everything worst. It really hurt and made me extremely angry with him at the same time.

Not that I was short on other calls. Susan kept her promise of checking up on me with
the determination and punctuality that would make the Swiss army jealous. I didn’t doubt she would send the police over if I didn’t get the phone so I had to take her call no matter what, springing into action at the first ring, jumping or sprinting to get the phone as if I was in some weird game show. To make matters worse, every time the phone rang, I couldn’t help experiencing a pang of hope just to face the inevitable disappointment that followed when I saw it wasn’t Chris.

“Yes the lake is still blue
, my ass is freezing but I’m still breathing…” I say answering the phone not even bothering to check who it was this time.

“Errr… ok… nice to hear… I guess?” James answers
laughing and taking me by surprise.

“Oh
... hey James! Sorry about that,” I answer laughing. “I thought it was Susan as usual. With her daily calls to me I have taken to thinking up funny or snarky remarks I can answer with… there is not much to do around here…’ I finish off coyly and he gives me a hearty laugh.

James and Ted were
also calling me every so often. I know they wanted to keep tabs on me as well, but I did enjoy their calls anyway.

“So other than freezing your butt off, how are you doing?”

“Bleeh. Not that great.”

“Have you spoken to Chris since that day in the studio?”

“No. I’ve almost called him several times these past few days but never actually went through with it. Then, today, I finally broke down and did it but he didn’t answer…” my voice trails off betraying me, against my wishes, how much that hurt me.

“Sorry Lor. He never called you
back?” James asks me in disbelief.

“No.”

“Well he is really acting like a jerk about this whole thing. What the fuck is his problem anyways?” I can hear it in his voice, he is actually quite angry about it.

“I don’t know. Maybe I really did screw it all up.”
“No, it’s not your fault Lor, you shouldn’t think that. He will come around eventually… Either that, or Ted and I will have to punch that pretty little face of his. Douchebag!”

“James!” I say reprimanding him but I can’t suppress a giggle. “Okay so you know how my love life is going,
in fact you were there to watch first hand as I got very unceremoniously dumped in front of everyone… actually with him kicking his guitar to pieces in the process, I should say very ceremoniously!”

“Oh yeah! I had forgotten about that… that was intense!”

“I know! I can’t believe he did that… that poor guitar, never saw it coming.”

“It was actually very rock and roll.”

“No it wasn’t. An innocent guitar died for that.” I say laughing. “Anyways, I’m straying from my point which is you know how my love life is going… nowhere… and we all know how Ted’s love life is going… everywhere… we just can’t keep track of it, was his last girl Brittany?”

“No I think he moved on to Ashley now.”

“Why all these girls’ names end in “y”? I’m Brittany; I’m Ashley… no last name, ever! You can easily picture the types!”

“Oh yes… your picture of them is probably and unfortunately pretty accurate.”

“If I ever have a daughter, remind me not to name her anything that ends in “y”.” We both laugh before I continue. “So that brings me to the real interesting question, how is your love life doing?”

“Oh I don’t think there is much interesting about it at all.”

“Oh c’mon, you are in a rock band! I fail to believe you can’t get any girls!”

“I can get girls, thank you very much,” he answers a bit miffed, “just not ones I’m interested in. I’m not Ted.”

“Maybe you are being a bit too picky, they can’t all be Ashleys.”

“Well there is this girl I am interested in but she is not interested in me.”

“Ahhh the truth finally comes out…. Wait? What? She is not interested? Who is the idiot?”
“She is actually pretty smart…”

“Can’t be if she is passing you up.”

“She likes someone else.”

“Oh... Well that sucks!” I say after some pause.

“Yeah… so I guess I’m a bit stuck still idealizing her but I know it’s time to move on. I don’t think it would have worked out between us anyways.”

“Someone else will come along. You are a great guy, any girl would be lucky to have you.”

“Thanks Lor.” He says in a bit of a sad voice.

“Boy are
we a sad bunch or what?” I say and we both burst out laughing “Don’t let Rolling Stones magazine get a hold of this conversation we would look like a bunch of losers!” I continue mockingly.

“Yup, right about now we deserve to be in some crap band called Paper Cuts.”

“Aaaarrggh. That is a secret we must take to our graves, that name is awful! God! What were we thinking?”

James heartily laughs at my abomination of our old name.

“Okay so I’ve kept you on for too long already, I’ll let you go now. But thanks for calling James.”

“No prob, Lor. It’s not the obligation you may think, you know? You’re my friend.”

“That’s nice of you to say, but really, thanks.”

“Hang in there okay? And keep warm. Talk you later Lor.”

“Bye James.”

**************

Several more days go by without as much as a peep from Chris. When finally, one day, I get the call I was hoping for. I look at the name Chris Henderson on my IPhone screen in disbelief.  I hesitate answering it.  Part of me is dying to talk to him, the part of me that misses him deeply. But now, after all these days waiting to hear from him, of him not returning my calls, there is this other part that doesn’t want to talk to him at all, the part that is so hurt by his actions, and that is so angry at him right now...

I wrestle with myself for a moment, when finally, the part that wants to talk to him wins and I pick up the phone.

“Hello? Chris?”

But there is no answer, I look at the screen again and it’s gone, I waited too long, he hung up. I’m equally disappointed
and satisfied. Now he will get a taste of his own medicine. See how crappy he made me feel all these days!

I’m sure he would call again later but he doesn’t.

Another couple of grueling days go by before he tries to call me again. By now the angry me has completely taken over. I’m so pissed I don’t suffer when I don’t answer. He starts calling me all the time and I still don’t answer. I talk to everyone else but him. Screw him, how could he had done this to me?

I’m in the kitchen preparing a tuna sandwich for lunch when I hear a knock on the front door. Surprised, I go over to see who that could possibly be. I open the door and I am even more surprised to find Chris standing there all bundled over, blowing in his hands trying to keep warm. He looks disheveled and slightly rough around the edges, he hasn’t shaved in a few days… I can’t believe that even like that and after all that’s gone by I find him incredibly sexy right now.  I feel a pang deep in my body and I just want to throw myself at him and hug him hard. But my sense of pride speaks louder and I just slam the door in his face before he can even say anything.

If he thinks he can come here and look all puppy lost in the woods and think I’m just going to melt away and forgive and throw myself at him…

I just stare at the door for a while, too surprised by all the emotions going through me to do anything else, when I finally hear him say, “I can’t feel my feet.”

He sounds incredibly pathetic… and adorable. I take a deep breath. Who am I fooling here? I open the door and extend my hand signaling him to come in. I shut the door and he walks towards the fireplace, surely still trying to warm up.

“I know you are angry at me.” He says before I can say anything. “And I deserve it. I know I’ve been a complete jerk.”

“Yes you have, have you any idea how much you hurt me?”

“I can imagine yes…”

“No, I don’t think you can. You really hurt me Chris.”
“I’m sorry. I was angry with you and hurt… I guess I ended up making an even bigger mess out all of this. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just so afraid that I almost lost you and that you had chosen to leave me… I couldn’t deal with the thought of that happening.”

“Why didn’t you call me? You shut me out.” I say, tears, inevitably rolling down my eyes now.

“I’m sorry. I’m stupid ok? It took me too long to realize that in the end I had lost you anyways and that I was the one that hurt you. Just when you needed my support I punished you for it. I’m sorry. Please, I don’t want to lose you. I miss you, I miss us.”

“You thought I wanted to leave you because I wanted to die. Don’t you understand? It was the opposite.  I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to leave you. That day, standing on that ledge, my pain was more than I could bear and I could have done it, I won’t lie
… I was at peace with myself on that part, but I didn’t do it. I couldn’t do it because I wanted to be with you, I didn’t want to have to let you go. You had made my life bearable again, more than that! You made me alive again.”

With teary eyes he quickly breaches the distance between us
and takes me in his arms, “I’m so sorry Lor. I’m sorry. Please forgive me?”

“I’m sorry too.” I say to him crying
while relishing on the feeling of his body against mine once again.

“Will you forgive me?” he asks once more.

“Of course you silly, I missed you so much Chris... Let’s never fight again ok?”

He finally looks at me with a big smile on his face. “Sounds good to me.” He gently wipes away my tears and tenderly kisses me.

“Soooo… make up sex?” he says with a devilish grin stamped in his face, lighting the mood.

“Chriiis! You are impossible.” I try to reprimand him but I can’t suppress my giggling.

“Okay okay can’t blame a guy for trying.” He says laughing, “So what is there to do around here?”

I want him so bad at that moment it hurts. “I don’t know” I answer and start to unzip his hoodie sweatshirt. “I think I can think of a thing or two we could do…”

“Was that your feeble attempt at playing hard to get? If so, you suck at it Lor…” he says wickedly smiling at me.

“Stop gloating and kiss m
e.” I smile back tugging at his shirt and then pushing him towards the plush, fluffy rug sitting in front of the fireplace, eagerly taking his shirt off.

**************

The following day I’m sitting by the marble kitchen counter watching Chris make us some scrambled eggs.

“I thought maybe today we could go out and try skiing.” He says as he
serves me some egg and toast.

“Okay, but I’ve never skied before though.”

“Me neither. That should be interesting…” he laughs. “So what’s the best place to go to, you think?

“I have no idea. I haven’t actually left th
e house since I came here. I heard about Mt Rose. Maybe we should check it out.”

“You’re kidding? You haven’t left at all? Not even for grocery shopping?”

“Nope, I called the local store and paid to have them deliver the stuff for me. They sent this kid. He must have been sixteen or something. He said he is a fan and came with my groceries, a CD for me to autograph and a camera to take our picture together” I laugh, “He was so excited. It was very cute.”

“Nice.” He laughs.  “Okay I guess we can get some info when we go into town.”