Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic 5-Book Bundle (16 page)

“Are you OK?” says Clare Edwards curiously.

“Yes,” I gulp. “Yes, fine.”

And now she’s looking at me. Now I can’t just put the phone down and pretend it was a wrong number. I’ve got to talk to him. OK, what I’ll do is be really brisk and cheerful and try and get rid of him as quickly as possible.

“Hi!” I say into the phone. “Sorry about that! The thing is, I was just a bit busy with something else. You know how it is!”

“Ms. Bloomwood, I’ve written you several letters,” says Derek Smeath. “And to none of them have I had a satisfactory response.”

Oh, he sounds really cross. This is horrible. Why did he have to come along and spoil my day?

“I’ve been very busy, I’m afraid,” I say. “My … my aunt was very ill. I had to go and be with her.”

“I see,” he says. “Nevertheless—”

“And then she died,” I add.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says Derek Smeath. He doesn’t
sound
sorry. “But that doesn’t alter the fact that your current account stands at a balance of—”

Has this man got no heart? As he starts talking about balances and overdrafts and agreements, I deliberately tune out so I don’t hear anything that will upset me. I’m staring at the fake wood-grain on my desk, wondering if I could pretend to drop the receiver accidentally back down onto the phone. This is awful. What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?

“And if the situation is not resolved,” he’s saying sternly, “I’m afraid I will be forced to—”

“It’s OK,” I hear myself interrupting. “It’s OK, because … I’m coming into some money soon.” Even as I say the words, I feel my cheeks flame guiltily. But I mean, what else am I supposed to do?

“Oh yes?”

“Yes,” I say, and swallow. “The thing is, my … my aunt left me some money in her will.”

Which is kind of almost true. I mean, obviously Aunt Ermintrude would have left me some money. After all, I was her favorite niece, wasn’t I? Did anyone else buy her Denny and George scarves? “I’ll get it in a couple of weeks,” I add for good measure. “A thousand pounds.”

Then I realize I should have made it ten thousand—that would have really impressed him. Oh well, too late now.

“You’re saying that in two weeks’ time you’ll be paying a check for a thousand pounds into your account,” says Derek Smeath.

“Erm … yes,” I say after a pause. “I suppose I am.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” he says. “I’ve made a note of our conversation, Ms. Bloomwood, and I’ll be expecting the arrival of a thousand pounds into your account on Monday 26 March.”

“Good,” I say boldly. “Is that it?”

“For the moment. Good-bye, Ms. Bloomwood.”

“Good-bye,” I say, and put the phone down.

Got rid of him. Thank God.

W
HEN I GET HOME
that night, there’s a pile of post in the hall for me—but I ignore it because my package from Fine Frames has arrived! It cost me £100 to buy, which is quite expensive, but apparently it will give you a return of £300 in only a few hours. Inside the package there’s a leaflet full of photographs of people who make fortunes from doing Fine Frames—some of them make a hundred thousand a year! It makes me wonder what I’m doing, being a journalist.

So after supper, I sit down in front of
Changing Rooms
and open the kit. Suze is out tonight, so it’s nice and easy to concentrate.

“Welcome to the best-kept secret in Britain …” says the leaflet. “The Fine Frames home-working family! Join other members and earn £££ in the comfort of your own home. Our easy-to-follow instructions will aid you as you embark on the biggest money-making enterprise of your life. Perhaps you will use your earnings to buy a car, or a boat—or to treat someone special. And remember—the amount you earn is completely up to you!”

I’m utterly gripped. Why on earth haven’t I done this before? This is a
fantastic
scheme! I’ll work incredibly hard for two weeks, then pay off all my debts, go on holiday, and buy loads of new clothes.

I start ripping at the packaging, and suddenly a pile of fabric strips falls onto the floor. Some are plain, and some are a flowered pattern. It’s a pretty hideous pattern actually—but then, who cares? My job is just to make the frames and collect the money. I reach for the instructions and find them under a load of cardboard pieces. And sure enough, they’re incredibly simple. What you have to do is glue wadding onto the cardboard frame, put the fabric over the top for that luxury upholstered effect, then glue braid along the back to hide the join. And that’s it! It’s completely simple and you get £2 a frame. There are 150 in the package—so if I do thirty a night for a week I’ll have made three hundred quid just like that in my spare time!

OK, let’s get started. Frame, wadding, glue, fabric, braid.

Oh God. Oh God. Who designed these bloody things? There just isn’t enough fabric to fit over the frame and the wadding. Or at least you have to stretch it really hard—and it’s such flimsy fabric, it rips. I’ve got glue on the carpet, and I’ve bent two of the cardboard frames from pulling them, and the only frame I’ve actually completed looks really wonky. And I’ve been doing it for …

I yawn, look at the time, and feel a jolt of shock. It’s eleven-thirty, which means I’ve been working for three hours. In that time I’ve made one dodgy-looking frame which I’m not sure they’ll accept, and ruined two. And I was supposed to be making thirty!

At that moment the door opens and Suze is back.

“Hi!” she says, coming into the sitting room. “Nice evening?”

“Not really,” I begin disgruntledly. “I’ve been making these things …”

“Well, never mind,” she says dramatically. “Because guess what? You’ve got a secret admirer.”

“What?” I say, startled.

“Someone really likes you,” she says, taking off her coat. “I heard it tonight. You’ll never guess who!”

Luke Brandon
pops into my mind before I can stop it. How ridiculous. And how would Suze have found that out, anyway? Stupid idea. Very stupid. Impossible.

She could have bumped into him at the cinema, whispers my brain. She does know him, after all, doesn’t she? And he could have said …

“It’s my cousin!” she says triumphantly. “Tarquin. He
really
likes you.”

Oh for God’s sake.

“He’s got this secret little crush on you,” she continues happily. “In fact, he’s had one ever since he met you!”

“Really?” I say. “Well, I had sort of … guessed.” Suze’s eyes light up.

“So you already know about it?”

“Well,” I say, and shrug awkwardly. What can I say? I can’t tell her that her beloved cousin gives me the creeps. So instead I start to pick at the fabric on the photo frame in front of me, and a delighted smile spreads over Suze’s face.

“He’s really keen on you!” she says. “I said he should just ring you and ask you out. You wouldn’t mind, would you?”

“Of course not,” I say feebly.

“Wouldn’t that be great?” said Suze. “If you two got married. I could be bridesmaid!”

“Yes,” I say, and force myself to smile brightly. “Lovely.”

What I’ll do, I think, is agree to a date just to be polite—and then cancel at the last moment. And hopefully Tarquin’ll have to go back to Scotland or something, and we can forget all about it.

But to be honest, I could really do without it. Now I’ve got two reasons to dread the phone ringing.

However, to my relief, Saturday arrives and I haven’t heard a word from Tarquin.
Or
Derek Smeath. Everyone’s finally leaving me alone to get on with my life!

On the slightly more negative side, I was planning to make 150 frames this week—but so far I’ve only made three, and none of them looks like the one in the picture. One doesn’t have enough wadding in it, one doesn’t quite meet at the corner, and the third has got a smear of glue on the front, which hasn’t come off. I just can’t understand why I’m finding it so difficult. Some people make hundreds of these things every week, without any effort. Mrs. S. of Ruislip even takes her family on a cruise every year on her earnings. How come they can do it and I can’t? It’s really depressing. I mean, I’m supposed to be bright, aren’t I? I’ve got a degree, for God’s sake.

Still, never mind, I tell myself. It’s my new job at Ally Smith today—so at least I’ll be earning some extra money there.

And I’m quite excited about it. Here starts a whole new career in fashion! I spend a long time choosing a cool outfit to wear on my first day—and eventually settle on black trousers from Jigsaw, a little cashmere (well, half cashmere) T-shirt, and a pink wraparound top, which actually came from Ally Smith.

I’m quite pleased with the way I look, and am expecting Danielle to make some appreciative comment when I arrive at the shop—but she doesn’t even seem to notice. She just says, “Hi. The trousers and T-shirts are in the stock room. Pick out your size and change in the cubicle.”

Oh, right. Now I come to think of it, all the assistants at Ally Smith do wear the same outfits. Almost like a … well, a uniform, I suppose. Reluctantly I get changed and look at myself—and, to tell you the truth, I’m disappointed. These gray trousers don’t really flatter me—and the T-shirt’s just plain boring. I’m almost tempted to ask Danielle if I can pick out another outfit to wear—
but she seems a bit busy, so I don’t. Maybe next week I’ll have a little word.

But even though I don’t like the outfit, I still feel a frisson of excitement as I come out onto the shop floor. The spotlights are shining brightly; the floor’s all shiny and polished; music’s playing and there’s a sense of anticipation in the air. It’s almost like being a performer. I glance at myself in a mirror and murmur, “How can I help you?” Or maybe it should be “Can I help you?” I’m going to be the most charming shop assistant ever, I decide. People will come here just to be assisted by me, and I’ll have a fantastic rapport with all the customers. And then I’ll appear in the
Evening Standard
in some quirky column about favorite shops.

No one’s told me what to do yet, so—using my initiative, very good—I walk up to a woman with blond hair, who’s tapping away at the till, and say, “Shall I have a quick go?”

“What?” she says, not looking up.

“I’d better learn how to work the till, hadn’t I? Before all the customers arrive?”

Then the woman does look up and, to my surprise, bursts into laughter.

“On the till? You think you’re going to go straight onto the till?”

“Oh,” I say, blushing a little. “Well, I thought …”

“You’re a beginner, darling,” she says. “You’re not going near the till. Go with Kelly. She’ll show you what you’ll be doing today.”

Folding jumpers. Folding bloody jumpers. That’s what I’m here to do. Rush round after customers who have picked up cardigans and left them all crumpled—and fold them back up again. By eleven o’clock I’m absolutely exhausted—and, to be honest, not enjoying myself very much at all. Do you know how depressing it is to fold a cardigan in exactly the right Ally Smith way and put it back on the shelf, all neatly lined up—just to see someone casually pull it down again, look at it, pull a face, and discard it? You want to scream at them,
LEAVE IT ALONE IF YOU’RE
NOT GOING TO BUY IT!
I watched one girl even pick up a cardigan
identical
to the one she already had on!