Song of the Nile (32 page)

Oh heart, be still.
Helios
. This was his doing. I’d thought the Romans were invincible; Helios had himself said that he couldn’t beat them, not with swords or magic. But he’d done it again. He’d
routed
them and I hoped that my exultation wouldn’t show. All the lies I’d ever told, all the practice I’d had at hiding my true feelings, every lesson in deception I’d ever learned had all been to prepare me for this moment. I forced every muscle of my face to an appearance of bewilderment. Not so much as a tremor shook my innocent facade. “Horus the Avenger? This legend often rises up in Egypt. It’s an imaginary hope.”

The emperor’s quiet rage would have sent a shiver through me if I hadn’t been prepared for it. “Those weren’t imaginary wounds my soldiers suffered. I wonder . . .” The emperor’s eyes scrutinized me. He was a shrewd judge of character and he was judging me now, but I was nothing if not a fine actress.

“Caesar, I’m not surprised that Roman soldiers made up stories to explain their defeat. Haven’t they always done so? Your forces suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of a woman. Is it possible the Kandake has a magician who fights for her? Yes. Did falconeyed Horus drop from the sky to smite Roman soldiers? I think not.”

He ground his teeth. “Her warriors cut off the head of a bronze statue that had been erected in my likeness.”

So Augustus had put a statue of himself in the holy precinct of Isis? I imagined Helios swinging his sword, decapitating a statue of the emperor, then burying it somewhere in the sands. My twin had pushed the Romans from the sacred temples and he’d done it with this foreign queen, this Kandake, and not with me. Still, I betrayed nothing. “What can the Kushites want?”

“I think you
know
what they want, Selene. I want you to tell me why they captured the Isle of Philae. There’s nothing there. No stronghold. No lands to settle. The temple treasures have already been seized. Why would the Kandake attack us here?”

“Because it’s the holiest place for Isiacs,” I said, emboldened by the idea that Helios might yet wrest Egypt away from the Romans. “They’re making war for religious reasons and you have only yourself to blame. All through the empire, the Romans let people worship whatever god or goddess they wish. Yet you’ve singled out Isis for unique suppression—”

“Did she not single me out?” He pressed his hands to the table. “Or did you lie when you said that Isis cursed me? Why shouldn’t I retaliate?”

“Retaliate against a goddess? Hubris is a Greek idea, but I thought even Romans understood it.”

His lips thinned at my boldness. “If the followers of Isis were content to make sacrifices at her altar, I’d have no cause to complain, but the priests are influential with the people. They involve themselves in politics. They speak out against war and slavery and the proper relations of the sexes. Isis worship undermines the state and leads the small people to think that they have as much worth as those who rule over them.”

I couldn’t deny this, for I’d heard such sermons. “So you’ll suffer because you think yourself too great to bend to the will of a goddess?”

“Perhaps it pleases you to see me suffer, Selene.” He stood, very composed. Very angry. “I remember that on the edge of death, I asked for your forgiveness. You wouldn’t give it.”

Some of my smugness drained away. “Why should Caesar need my forgiveness?”

“I don’t need it,” he said with a curl of his lips. “I
wanted
it and you refused me.”

Augustus always wants what he cannot have.
When had this interview slipped from my control? The emperor’s fascination with me was all that kept my daughter safe, and I must foster it. “Caesar, if I withheld my forgiveness, it’s only because I didn’t want to give you an excuse to die.”

“You say this because you want to be Queen of Egypt. Not because you care for me.” He said the last petulantly, like a spoiled child.

I swallowed, reaching out for him. “My mother forgave Caesar many things. For burning her books, for his dalliance with Queen Eunoe. How could she not forgive him? Don’t I walk in her footsteps ?”

“You swore to be my Cleopatra,” he muttered. “You
vowed
it.”

I might’ve known that my
kithara
harp wouldn’t satisfy him. “How have I failed you?”

He came round the table, drawing so close that his breath warmed my shoulder. “You know exactly how you’ve failed me. You gave me only a girl. Not a
son
. Not the heir that I need.”

The words he’d whispered came back in rush. Hateful words. Vile words. Sickening words about how I was his Egyptian whore and would bear his child. Had I sat by his bedside, nursing him back to health, only so that he could be the same monster as before? I straightened to my full height and I was now taller than most women. “Did you think you could force yourself upon me and stand to gain from it? Isis would never allow it.”

Color returned to his face, as if this old game between us invigorated him, and he reached to brush hair back from my cheek. When I turned away, he caught my pearl earring and rolled it between his thumb and forefinger. Then he asked the question that seems so inevitable now but which shook me to my foundations. “What if you came to me willingly, Selene? Could you give me a son?”

The suffocating weight of his proposal settled over the room and my mouth went dry. It made me want to retch. In his death throes, Philadelphus had murmured something about the son I might bear. Could he have seen this in the Rivers of Time? I’d endured much for the sake of my brothers and to defend my faith. But to give myself to the man who raped me? There were no words for such an
abomination
. “You’re a Roman,” I said hoarsely. “You make too much of your need for a son of your own bloodline. You can simply adopt the way Caesar adopted you.”

“I mean to rule more than Rome. War with Parthia nips at my heels and Alexander’s name still strikes fear into their hearts. You alone can give me a son that joins the blood of the Caesars with Alexander’s divine ichor.”

Perhaps this was what my father had asked of my mother too. Perhaps it was the reason that my mother named my twin Alexander Helios. I always thought of my mother and the emperor as two very different kinds of people, but maybe they’d always been very much alike. And maybe I wasn’t enough like either of them.

“You want Egypt,” the emperor said flatly. “Well, I want you to give me a son.”

Twenty-two

MY mother had known when to retreat and where to regroup her strength. As a young queen, betrayed by her mentors and driven from her throne, she fled to the city of Ashkelon to gather an army. I was seventeen now. I didn’t have an army, but I was no less under siege. I too would flee, for the emperor had confessed to me a crucial bit of information: The Romans in Egypt were under attack. Helios might win our throne without my having to surrender to the emperor’s twisted desires. I went straight to my house across the Tiber, sweeping through the atrium and throwing open the doors to the receiving room. The ship’s captain was waiting and dipped low in a bow to me. “Majesty.”

I had quite forgotten I’d sent Tala to retrieve him. He expected pleasantries, no doubt. Perhaps a well-deserved thanks and a decent night’s sleep. I would disappoint him. “Captain, I want to return to Mauretania tonight.”

Captain Kabyle’s smile faltered. “It’s better to wait until March—”

I couldn’t wait until March. I couldn’t wait even one more day. “We need to leave now. You’ve seen me call the winds to my command. There’ll be no danger to us so long as I’m aboard your ship.”

He puffed up, affronted. “I fought winter storms to bring grain to Rome without any such assurance of safety. It’s not a lack of courage that gives me pause. What of your retinue? Your baggage? Does it not take time—”

“I must leave tonight!” I wound my fingers in my pearls. “Can the arrangements be made?”

His brow furrowed. “We can be to Ostia by morning, certainly, but it may take a day to round up my lads and set sail again.”

Tala’s tattooed hands clasped the high arm of a couch. “Are we in danger, Majesty?”

I gave the only explanation I could. “There’s war in Egypt. As Cleopatra’s daughter, I don’t want to be in Rome for the inevitable recriminations.” Thereafter, I alerted the servants and made quick decisions about what to leave behind. I’d abandon the statuary and the furnishings. I’d abandon all of it but for the cat. As servants hurried to gather the barest necessities, Tala and the others complained that many of my retainers weren’t ready to travel. My mime wasn’t even in the city, as I’d granted Ecloga permission to visit a school in Baiae. If we set out tonight, we’d have to leave her behind. The mime wasn’t the only one, but like an animal cornered in the arena, I tore into anyone who tried to delay my escape. “Then I’ll do without them!”

Crinagoras lifted a wry eyebrow. “Why, you half persuade me to stay in Rome.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, for I didn’t need more enemies. “If you aren’t ready to travel, you can follow on another ship, at my expense, but I must go.”

My power, my only refuge, was in Mauretania.

I sent no word to Augustus because any pretext I made for my swift departure would have been insultingly flimsy. He’d be furious, but his hold over me had loosened the moment Philadelphus breathed his last. Augustus could no longer threaten my little brother to make me obey and I wouldn’t let him use my daughter. Besides, if Egypt threw off Rome’s yoke, I didn’t want to be a hostage to compel their surrender. These are the things I told myself only after our frantic night escape from Rome. Only after we reached the port of Ostia, once the sails had been hoisted, did my blind animal instinct to flee abate.

It was the salt spray on my cheeks that awakened me to the reality of what I’d done. The emperor told me he wanted to get a son on me and I’d run from him. It was my first true rebellion. I wasn’t afraid of the repercussions; he couldn’t afford to preoccupy himself with punishing me. Not when his power was uncertain, while Egypt was under invasion and tensions were mounting with Parthia. A calculating man like Augustus wouldn’t jeopardize everything for the sake of spite. He needed grain, so he needed me. He needed a stable and prosperous Mauretania at his back, a place where he could settle his veterans as he’d promised, so as to maintain the support of his legions. For once, I understood my own power.

On the third day of our chilly but uneventful journey, I asked Captain Kabyle, “When the pirates attacked us, why weren’t they stopped by Roman vessels? Agrippa has an enormous fleet. Why isn’t it guarding the shipping lanes?”

“The sea is vast,” the captain said. “The Romans spend most of their time protecting the grain ships from Egypt and harrying pirates in Crete and Delos. Otherwise, scouring the coasts for pirate lairs is left to local authorities.”

The Romans were still trying to subdue the Cantabri in Spain. The proconsul of Africa Nova was busy trying to rebuild old Carthage in the midst of hostile Numidian tribesmen. These Roman authorities were too preoccupied to concern themselves with the sea. That left only one local authority to deal with piracy.
Ours.
“What resources would we need to guard the shipping lanes?”

The captain’s eyes flicked over to me. “You need only call down a swirling maelstrom upon those criminals and send them to the bottom of the sea.”

“I can’t be everywhere at once,” I said, as if considering using my sorcery for such a thing.

“Majesty, it would only take once.”

I was mindful of what the old mage had always said about spending my
heka
wisely, and I didn’t relish the idea of drowning men, not with the memory of Philadelphus slipping beneath the waters so fresh in my mind.

ARRIVING in Iol-Caesaria, I saw a half-built lighthouse jutting up from the harbor. Beyond the rocky shore, marbled stairs led up to our splendid palace. It was more beautiful than I remembered it, ethereal beside the sparkling blue waters, like some fabled residence in old Homeric tales. Beside me, Bast yowled, her tail swishing furiously at the sight of land. This would be a new home for her, and in my hand I gripped Philadelphus’s amulet, hoping that his spirit, his
ba
, was nearby. I wished that he’d seen this place with his own eyes, but few of my wishes had ever come true. Crowds came running to see our ship, since we were the only one that had dared to cross the ocean in winter. We made our way down the gangplank and tension knotted my shoulders. There’d been some expectation that if I returned, it would be with the crown of Egypt.

If the Mauretanians were disappointed, they didn’t let it show. Some followed, joining the processional, and when I looked behind me I saw a sea of people. Men in turbans and women wearing brightly colored scarves, silver jewelry, and henna tattoos. Even bare-legged children with sticks cried, “It’s the queen and our little princess!”

I’d been gone almost a year—a
miserable
year—and it lightened my heart to return to my very own kingdom, where the people seemed so happy to see me. This place was untouched by Augustus. He’d sworn to me that he’d never step foot in Mauretania, and I told myself that I’d be safe here. Safe, for now. Even if he sent some furious letter demanding that I be punished, his orders would be unlikely to arrive before spring.