Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I've Lost My Damn Mind: A Manic's Mood Chart (8 page)

That whole eHarmony “system” looked way too complicated for me, so I hopped on board for one month of service at Match.com. My idea was to write about my online dating experiences and provide even further entertainment for my readers (I’m that dedicated to you all). I also felt this would be the self-confidence booster I needed to pick me up after falling on my face again in the City of Wind. I mean, how hard can it be to get some action via online dating, right?

Wrong. I once again amazed myself at how bad I must be at this whole dating thing, considering I got zero, I repeat zero, responses from my polar bear line. I will admit rejection online is a lot easier to deal with, though.

Session

JP: Maintaining self-confidence while living with bipolar disorder can become what at times seems like an uphill battle. But if you think that bipolar disorder is simply a “disorder one has,” then you’re wrong. It’s a symptom of very high creativity and energy levels which are found in most geniuses. Does that help with your self-confidence?

DT: Yeah, actually, it does. Thanks, JP; that was really helpful.

JP: You’re very welcome. I’m just not sure if there is a lick of credibility to it as I just found it online at http://www.bipolar-disorder-uncovered.com.

DT: Whatever, I like it. Besides, when has a random website on the World Wide Web ever not been credible?

KEY TERMS:
RESIGNATION, AT&TIZZLE LIFER, (RADIO EDIT), NEW DOCS

Submitted on 11/5/10

Blue

Letter of Resignation (Health Reasons)

Hello (Radio Edit),

I wanted to begin this letter by thanking you and (Radio Edit) for this opportunity that I was looking forward to. However, the past three years, I have been battling a health issue that I was confident we had under control. Unfortunately, symptoms reappeared during training yesterday, and after discussions with my doctors, they have advised me to take the treatment in another direction. This change in treatment will require me to resign effective immediately to concentrate on my health. My apologies for this as no one is more disappointed than me, but my health must take priority over my career at this point.  

Thank you once again for your time.

Good luck in the future,

Derek L. Thompson

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unfortunately, I am becoming quite comfortable (and quite good, I might add) at writing letters of resignation like the above. When I started at AT&Tizzle, I can recall one of my apprentices (scarily, they gave me three to train) remarking that I would be an AT&T lifer. I didn’t object to it the least bit. I enjoyed my job and the people I worked with, so I didn’t see any immediate reason to leave. A psychotic manic episode changes that, and two of them change everything. I guess the point I’m driving at is that I never imagined myself quitting a job after college. Now I’ve quit four in the past three years.

What’s new about this last resignation is that while I’m disappointed it didn’t work out, I’m not the least bit frustrated with it. Following the previous three resignations, I was so upset and frustrated afterwards that it took me a month to get my head straight. This time it took me the drive from Nashville to Louisville, not too shabby. I think there are two reasons for this change: the fact that I saw it coming, and my new docs (amazing, I know).

This past week, my first day of training at my new job went really well and I enjoyed myself. That night, I lay down and nothing went through my mind--well, about a few thoughts at a time, but that’s really nothing for me. I was able to focus without much work, and my mind was at what seemed like peace. I wasn’t tensed up at all. I was completely relaxed with a calm sensation engulfing me; it was great. For the first time in a couple of years, I didn’t feel like I was wound a little tight, and my mind wasn’t chasing ideas from here to there and back. I felt at peace . . . Something was wrong with how good I felt.

I was right. An hour and a half into my next day of training, my head began to hurt and I felt nauseous. I stepped outside to get some air and it hit me: I spent the next couple of hours fighting off my mania. It came at me in waves, sending me up and down and bringing me to my knees until I gave up and quit and drive home. I’m just glad I saw it coming and caught it, with having to quit my job being the only consequence. Two trips to the wards is my limit.

TBC . . .

Session

JP:
Finding a job with bipolar disorder can be very challenging, sometimes a seemingly impossible task. I do not have much work in this area, so I went online and found some helpful tips from Madeleine Kelly, who wrote
Bipolar and the Art of Roller-coaster Riding:

• A bipolar-resistant job is one that is protected from discrimination and unfair dismissal. Some jobs are more bipolar-resistant than others; for example, seasonal rural jobs and permanent jobs where there is cumulative sick leave.
  

• You can do a lot to improve your job’s security against discrimination.
  

• Don’t tell your secret. If you have not disclosed to anyone at work that you have bipolar, keep it that way.
  

• Do as much as you can to stay well. Find out about the large number of steps you can take.
  

• Protect your reputation. If you doubt that you can get through a day without symptoms messing things up, stay at home, even if it means a day without pay. To go to work could mean you lose your job.
  

• If you have told your boss, ask for workplace changes that will make a difference to your health; for example, starting a bit later so any sedative side effects have worn off.
  

• Use your allies. Confide in a trustworthy friend. Tell your friend some of the signs of oncoming illness and ask him or her to let you know if they see them. That way, you have not only yourself watching for symptoms, but also an objective friend. Then you can take action to prevent the illness from getting worse.
  

• If you end up losing another job because of bipolar, look at it as an opportunity to do something better, more prosperous, or more interesting. Each time you dust yourself off you add to your knowledge, stamina and wisdom.
  

   
  

What do you think?

DT: Well, I think that if that kind of writing can get published, I shouldn’t have any trouble with this book. You really phoned
that one in, didn’t ya, JP?

JP: I have a migraine, I’m nauseous, I feel like hell and--

DT: Look like shit.

JP: For your information, I have the flu, and with that compassion it’s no wonder you’re still single.

KEY TERMS:
SHOOTING STARS, HOT TUBS, SMALL GIFTS, APPRECIATION

Submitted on 11/12/10

Blue

“
As much hell as it’s been the past three years, and I know it’s been hell, Derek, bipolar disorder does have its gifts. They may be small but they are there.”

--New counselor who I don’t hate so much

I forgot how much I love the country night sky. The past week, I took a couple of nights to wander out into the pasture beside the house to get away, looking like a crazy person standing in the middle of a pasture in the middle of nowhere. It’s been ten years since I’ve lived in the country, and I missed how peaceful it can be (and how irritating, Mickey Mouse 3--Derek 0).

In high school, I used to spend just about every fall and winter night in our hot tub, dreaming about losing my V-Card and getting lost in the night sky. I suppose some people use meditation, some read, others veg out in front of the boob tube, some drive to nowhere, others watch sunsets to free themselves; but I prefer the cliché 1970s porn set of a hot tub at night under the stars. Just a romantic at heart, I guess.

So of course, with the way things have been going, our hot tub died a couple of weeks ago. To compensate for this, I wandered out to the pasture this week to look up at the night sky and get away. After the coyotes stopped crying and the dogs stopped howling, I found myself surrounded by nothing. It was great.

Earlier in the week:

It was cool out, but the wind had died down from the day and the night breeze was minimal at best. The air was calm and the world seemed asleep. I was alone out there, and I wasn’t scared of that fact for the first time in a while. I lifted my head and caught a glimpse of a shooting star in the east and literally laughed aloud. I hadn’t seen a shooting star in so long, I think I had forgotten they even existed. At about the time I got back to focusing on the country star- speckled sky, another shooting star came from the west. I know I had to look like a crazy person because now I started laughing aloud to myself and prancing about.

The next time I went out, I saw two more shooting stars in the sky, and it made me glad I spit out those pills three years ago.

My new counselor and I have been working on a new approach to fighting this BMD. Focusing on the little gifts it provides that seem so insignificant at first; just like the falling rocks in space that seemingly have no purpose or reason to exist except to fall through space, until they hit Earth’s atmosphere and begin to heat up and burn. Glowing hotter and hotter, one by one they light up the country night sky, giving me a show unlike any I could see in any theater, cinema, or venue.

So I guess that’s the reason I haven’t let quitting my job bother me. I’m starting to see the little gifts in my life more and more. I just wish they included my hot tub.

Session

JP: I think your counselor hits it right on the head with his gifts statement above.

DT: Yep, me too, that’s why I don’t hate him so much.

KEY TERMS:
BELIEVE

Submitted on 2/7/11

Blue

Believe

I’d like to welcome my readers to my manic experience

Where my doc insists that in order to survive I’ve got to find new ways to fight

So I get down on my knees, look up to the sky and ask God why

Why did he put this evil pain so deep down inside

Was I not a good servant, were my sins too lustful in nature to hide

Just then it hits me, it’s my mania to blame for this game

Which means I’ve got vengeance on my mind and something to say

I may be crazy but that grain still runs through these veins

Which is just my complicated way to say that I’m a country boy to the core

And that’s just something that you ain’t never gonna change

So when you had me defeated and asking not to wake when I pray

My family swooped in and saved the day

Reached down into my darkness and pulled me up out of my grave

So I could spit out those pills to live to fight another day

Oh and remember how you took that girl that I once hated with all my might

And then shifted her into that girl that I’d protect with all my life

Taking something so simple as an insignificant paper clip

And having it trigger me further down into my psychotic manic trip

Where my dreams become reality as I get lost in my own singularity

While you plant the seed of divinity deep within the essence of me

Of a chosen one who was sent here to make all believe

Only to wake up cold, crying, and alone on the psych ward’s bathroom floor