Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I've Lost My Damn Mind: A Manic's Mood Chart (32 page)

JP: Like what?

DT: Well, the girl who was frightened of me or whatever and one of the other girls wanted to watch a movie on New Year’s Eve. We’d been watching football all week, and I’m pretty sure they were growing tired of it. They asked me if I could try to hook up the DVD player to the TV. The problem was, the remote was lost and the TV was behind a plastic shield, so I had to try and program everything using a pencil and pushing the buttons through holes in the shield. Quite a sight, let me tell you. I wanted to help and make the girls’ night a little better, give them something to take their minds off the craziness in their lives. But I just couldn’t do it. I tried forever but was just short a wire or something like that.

JP: I’m sorry that didn’t work out for you, Derek.

DT: Yeah, me too, but I’ll make it right one day.

KEY TERMS:
A GIRL, MANIC LETTER, INSPIRE, INTERVENTION

Submitted on 1/28/11

Red

The past couple of weeks haven’t been my best. I’m not sure if I’m in depression, still recovering from the Rockies, or if it’s mania wreaking havoc on my life again. I try to stay optimistic and have a positive outlook during these bleak times, but it can be the most difficult thing to manage. Well, that and trying not to get caught staring at the slamming hot body trainer at the gym; oh yeah, she knows I’m looking. I try to remind myself of everything I do have when my mind gets trapped on what I don’t. That I have it pretty good and there are a lot of people out there struggling more than me.

I wasn’t quite sure if I’d ever share this story until a couple of days ago, mainly because it’s not entirely my story to tell. There’s a girl (when isn’t there, right?), well, not any girl but my prom date (and maybe a little bit of a crush) from my junior year. This girl was smart, shockingly funny, a knockout who always smiled (even at my stupid poems, how do you think I asked her to prom?), and had the confidence to match that of yours truly. Years passed after school, and we went our separate ways until I became manic for the first time.

I caught her show one night, and the girl on TV was far from the one I could remember from high school. She was in the fight of her life, she was in hell . . .

February 24, 2008 (trippy manic flashback):

Friends,

Some of you know me, but I imagine the majority of you do knot . . . it makes really no difference as I am of no significance for the purpose of this letter aside from the hope that it may prove to provide some help some way some day . . . I am sitting in the San Jose’s AIR awaiting my flite back to Denver, CO and decided to jot some ideas down, as I await the arrival of our plane . . . While I live in Denver I am originally from a small town in rural Ohio by the name of South Charleston (yes I do mean OH and not SC, WV or any other of the multiple “Charlestons” throughout) . . . I am riting now as it has become clear to me how fortunate I, as well as many of us, are . . . yet it seems as fortunate as we are we miss out on the important things in life . . . what those are to you, the gentleman beside me or the cowgirl? (tough to differentiate from afar) sitting across the way are I don’t know . . . but I know I am missing . . . Live downtown Denver in a pretty nice apt, recently purchased a BMW X5, amazing friends, and a great family . . . please know I am not writing this to impress anyone, but rather to hopefully inspire someone . . .

Inspiration is a word that I believe many of us struggle with . . . I have had the ultimate opp. 2 travel around the globe for work, play, and study . . . however even with my experiences I still lacked something . . . what that is I could not say till now . . . not cuz I did not want to, but rather b/c I did not know . . . the past few days have been pretty damn exciting for me . . . I am moving from Denver 2 CA for a new job opp. I have been working 3 yrs to achieve
and
now! get to finally live w/in an hour of a beach . . . while this may seem modest to some pls realize that central OH is not the ideal place for h2o sports . . .

Looking back on the times and trials that have brought me to this place I could BORE many for hours over my experiences, but what’s the point? Who has not felt pain, joy, fear, pleasure, disappointment, jealously, rage, excitement, enthusiasm, ect . . . I have yet to meet anyone along my way that has not . . . but what I have found is that my fondest memories are the ones in Kindergarten (my 2nd time, they redshirted me my 1st yr) . . . the values and colors I experienced came rushing back to me . . . now reflecting back I wish it didn’t take 2X for me to get thru kindergarten, I wish I was still there . . .

Well we all know that’s impossible (unless you’re a kindergarten cop or teacher) . . . while I’ve contemplated both these options, they just didn’t fit me . . . so I’ve decided to try and change . . .

Internvention
TV Show: “(Radio Edit) Episode XX--
(Radio Edit), XX, grew up struggling to meet her parents’ high expectations. Despite winning many academic and athletic honors, (Radio Edit) suffered from depression and low self-esteem, and her shameful feelings intensified when she became a date-rape victim in college. She dieted in hopes of regaining control of her emotions and life, but now she weighs less than 90 pounds. Her family’s last hope is an intervention that will stop her from starving herself to death.
”

I had the pleasure of escorting this young lady to her Sr. Prom (my Jr yr, remember redshirt Kindergarten) . . . I started to remember what a great time we
all
had at the Prom (Prom promise that) and seeing how she and her fam are now hurts and I want to help . . . but how? . . . no idea right now, but maybe, just maybe, showing that we care is a start . . .

Present Day:

I didn’t sign this letter but instead started doodling .e4 logos and missions statements. Oh, d01roK, you crazy guy, you. Less than a week after writing this letter in my gournal, I was in Porter Hospital’s psych ward. I’ve been able to catch up with (Radio Edit) and actually got to spend Halloween hanging out; seems a fitting holiday for us two to share. I haven’t talked to her in a while, and I hope she’s doing alright. She’s about the only one I know who can kind of relate to me, and I hope she knows I still see the same girl I crushed on in high school.

Session

JP: Your manic letter is interesting. What made you think of writing it when you were in your episode? And do your more affectionate feelings always seem to rise during this state?

DT: Well, I caught the show one night in Denver during my episode, which is probably why she was in my head at this point and probably the reason for the letter. To answer your second question, I would definitely say I am more affectionate during my manic episodes; those feelings seem to drive me. I’m more affectionate towards women, all the women I know and strangers on the street. I also seem to take a defensive stance towards men while manic.

JP: Do you have any idea why you would take this approach towards women?

DT: Yep, I love ‘em, and my mania knows that.

KEY TERMS:
FINE LINE

Submitted on 5/26/11

Red

Fine Line
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’ve heard there’s a fine line between genius and madness
But the thing about my madness is that it feels just like brilliance
So I guess that’s the genius of the complexity in all of this
Having me walk a fine line that I’m not quite sure exists
Am I really that mad or just ahead of all the rest
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At times I can get confused about the difference between madness and genius
Like if genius is showing the world something new that it has never experienced
Taking that which had only been known as false and turning it into fact
If that’s the case then my crazy madness they call mania is exactly that
This maddening mania of mine takes control of me and won’t give it back
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It takes me into the spin where my world becomes manically unhinged
Making me follow maddening clues in my head that I’m unable to comprehend
Taking me on a journey of enlightenment that seemingly has no beginning or end
Where the madness reveals the brilliance in everything all around
Allowing for the genius of the simplicity in it all to be found
Like walking on both sides of an imaginary fine line on the ground
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’ve heard there’s a fine line between genius and madness
Now you’ve seen how my madness can feel just like brilliance
How there is genius in the complexity of the simplicity within all of this
Having us all walk that fine line that I’m not quite sure exists
Am I really that mad or just like all of the rest

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Session

JP: Did you know that in the 1970s,
Kay Redfield Jamison studied forty-seven British writers, painters and sculptors from the Royal Academy? She found that 38 percent had been treated for bipolar disorder. Half of the poets--the largest group with manic depression--had needed medication or hospitalization. Interesting coincidence here, wouldn’t you say?

DT: I happen to believe that the best ride you can give someone is to make them think differently about something. So thanks for the ride, JP.

JP: Anytime, my friend, anytime.

CONCLUSION

Session

JP: My diagnosis is that you are bipolar as shit, my friend.

DT: Ha-ha, just as I suspected. Thanks for reading.

JP: Whoa, whoa mister. You don’t think you’re getting off that easy, do you? Answering a few more questions about your life to fill in the blanks for the readers is the least you can do, don’t you think?

DT: You can’t get enough of me, can you? That’s precious.

JP: OK, so our confidence is still high. Has that led to any progress in the love department?

DT: I’m ambidextrous now if that’s what you mean.

JP: Still single, I see but have you at least been trying to date?

DT: When I was living in The Nasty about a year ago I did try to date but it just didn’t work. I think I was still trying to find myself with this BMD so it was difficult to date someone when I really didn’t know who I was. Since then I’ve moved out into the country in one of our small family farm houses where the nearest civilization has a population of around 400, so the pickings are slim. I’m ready to date but haven’t had much luck so I’ve even tried the online scene with Match.com, and failed miserably. Wow, I’m really glad we could talk about this because it’s not making me feel pathetic or anything.

JP: Ok, maybe you’ve had better luck in the career department?

DT: Well, let’s see. I recently dropped out of graduate school to basically write this book. I have a single course and an internship left until I can receive my master’s in sports administration at Xavier University. We’ll see how that decision works out.

JP: With such a small portion of your degree left to complete would you consider going back to finish the masters? It is quite an impressive achievement for anyone, let alone someone fighting something as difficult as bipolar disorder.

DT: I’d like to think I will go back and finish at some point but I’ll have to wait and see. I dropped out because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life and I was having some trouble with symptoms of my mania again in Chicago and at Xavier. It’s become quite evident that corporate America is a trigger for me from my past problems so that really limits what I can do. This is especially frustrating since my skill set is focused around corporate America. I still have till 2014 to finish my degree though, but I mean the world is supposed to end next year anyways.