Authors: Grace Octavia

Something She Can Feel (29 page)

BOOK: Something She Can Feel

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“Speaking of preacher's wives, what's up with Mama and Daddy?”

“I don't know, Justin,” I said. “I had lunch with Mama a few weeks ago and she claimed she was upset with Daddy because he's expanding the church, but then I saw her speaking to Deacon Gresham.”

“From the church?” he asked.

“Yeah. And you know he's a divorce attorney.”

“Just because Mama was talking to a divorce attorney doesn't mean she's leaving Daddy,” Justin reasoned. “She'd never do that.”

“I don't know. She could just be fed up. Anyway, I'm just waiting for the first shoe to drop, so I can know what's going on with her. But you know Mama; she'll never talk about herself,” I said. “But what's up with you, Atlanta Man? I'm sure you're making it happen in the big city. I see you're putting on a little weight. Must be eating good.”

“I actually wanted to talk to you about that.”

“About putting on weight?”

“Not that directly,” Justin started, and I could feel the uneasiness in his voice. Turning onto my parents' street, I slowed down the car a bit and rolled the windows up so I could hear him. “But more about the reason I came home. I think it's time I told all of you about my life.” He paused. “This is really hard for me.” His voice weakened.

“Justin,” I said, pulling into my parents' driveway, “you don't have to tell me anything. I know about your sexuality and I want you to know that I will always accept you. I'm your big sister and I'll always love you.”

“Do you really mean that?”

“Of course I do. And you know, they'll have to accept it, too. I know it will be hard, but it's time for us all to stop living these lies. I've gone through some things recently myself. And I just realized how lucky I am. I just want us all to be happy.”

Justin placed his hand on top of mine on the gearshift between our seats and gripped it tightly.

“You don't know how much it means to me to hear that from you. I've been living a lie for a long, long time. And it's time for my family to know who I really am.”

“It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it!”

“I hear ya.” He let my hand go, and we got out of the car and walked to the door in silence.

“Wait,” I said when he went to open the door.

“What?”

“Before we go inside, I have something else I want to say to you. And it's that I'm so proud of you. That you left and made your life on your own terms. I always told you, you were the lucky one. And I really believe that. You didn't let this place numb you. Take away your vision. That makes you more than lucky; that makes you free. More free than I'll ever be.”

“Big sister, you're talking like you're eighty years old. If you want to change your life, just go out and do it,” he said, sounding like Kayla.

“It's not that simpleâI have Evan; I haveâ”

“It is that simple. If there's one thing I've learned on my own, it's that when you're numb, you pinch yourself,” he said passionately. “When you ain't free, you get free. There are no other options. We only get to do this once.”

“Thank you,” I said. “Now let's go in here and get something to eat before you make me cry for the third time today!”

Justin opened the front door for me. As I walked by, I saw a glint of light shimmering from his eyelid. I turned to him and blinked.

“A sparkle,” I said.

“What?”

“You have a sparkle on your eyelid.” I reached over and plucked it off. “Probably from my eye shadow.”

“Probably.”

“Excuse me,” a voice called from behind Justin. We both turned to see a woman standing at the foot of the steps. It was Kim.

“Can we help you?” Justin asked.

“Yes, you can,” she answered slyly.

“Oh.” I laughed uneasily to hide my confusion. Justin didn't know who she was and the last thing I wanted was for him to get loud and lead everyone in the house to the door. “This is my friend from work, Kim. I'll handle this.”

“You sure?” Justin looked at me oddly, I guessed hearing the tension in my voice.

“Yeah, we just need to handle something with the choir,” I managed, daring Kim to say anything to the contrary with my eyes.

“Okay,” Justin said. He looked from her to me and squinted his eyes. “Don't take too long. You know the natives get restless when someone's holding up dinner.”

“I won't,” I replied as Justin walked away slowly.

“She won't.” Kim tried to step up to see inside, but I came outside quickly and shut the door behind me.

“You have some nerve coming here,” I said. “This is my parents' house. Whatever drama you have with Jr needs to be handled somewhere else.”

“Oh, I plan on handling my âdrama' all right,” Kim said, puckering her painted red lips. A black car was parked beside mine and I could see the little boy's face pressed against the back window. “I just needed to give Jr something.”

“What?”

She reached into her purse and pulled out an envelope.

“His results.” She handed the envelope to me and folded her arms. “It's still sealed. I ain't need to open it. Jr knows damn well that's his son.”

“Mama,” he cried.

“Look, I have to go,” Kim said. “My problem's not with you. Just give Jr the results and tell him he needs to take care of his fucking responsibilities. We ain't going nowhere. This boy needs to know his family. He's a Cash.”

“I'll give this to him. You just leave,” I said. Kim rolled her eyes and walked toward the car. “And don't you worry,” I looked at the boy's face, “if he's a Cash, we'll know him soon enough.”

After watching Kim pull away in the car to make sure she'd actually left, I walked into the house with the envelope in my hand.

“What's that?” May asked, standing right inside the door.

“Just a note,” I lied. I'd already decided to keep the envelope to myself until after dinner. Then I'd give it to Jr.

“I already saw her, Journey. It's the results.”

“She asked me to give it to Jr.”

May put out her hand.

“May, I think it's best he looks first and then you two talk.... I don't want to get in the middle of it.”

“You already are,” she said. Her hand was still extended. “Just give it to me.”

“May, just promise you'll wait until after dinner. Justin just came home and this is supposed to be a celebration. You knowâ”

“Give it to me!” May's voice splintered with an anger and sadness that broke me. I handed her the envelope.

Outside, everywhere was brightness. My mother was telling some story about how when we were younger, Jr almost put Justin's eye out with a firecracker. Justin cried for three days and couldn't hear in his left ear. Everyone was laughingâmy parents, Jr, Justin, and even Nana Jessie. Everyone but me and May. Sitting right across from each other, we avoided eye contact and every time she went to whisper to Jr, I was sure she was about to say something about the little envelope. After she took it, she ran to the bathroom and didn't come out until it was time to eat, so I was sure she knew the results. And while everyone was laughing, there still seemed to be an ominous air hovering over the picnic table we shared. I could see the smoke from the grill drifting by, but I knew there was more than a promise of barbecue. Something wicked was on its way.

“Well, family,” Justin started as everyone tried to recall a part of the firecracker story.

“No,” I said, tugging at his pants leg. He was sitting next to me, and I didn't want him to share his secret. I knew now wasn't the time.

“What?” he said to me.

“Just don't do it now,” I murmured. “Let's wait. Now isn't the time.”

“But what about what you said in the car?” he whispered. “I'm tired of hiding.”

“Just wait,” I demanded.

“What's that, Journey?” my father called from the head of the table, stroking his new beard.

“Nothing. I was just telling Justin how happy I am that he's home with us.” I smiled.

Everyone smiled and Nana Jessie, who was seated on the other side of Justin, kissed him on the cheek.

“Thanks, Nana,” Justin said to her. “I hope everyone will still feel that way, because I have an announcement.”

I grabbed Justin's arm, but he just brushed me off with a resolute stare.

“This is really hard for me, everyone, but it's time for me to stop lying to you about who I am,” Justin said, pushing himself up in his seat to command everyone's attention. I shifted away from him to the other side of my chair and rested my face in the palm of my hand.

“No, Journey, don't be scared.” He tapped my shoulder.

“Scared of what?” my father asked, straightening up in his seat, too. Like everyone else at the table, he seemed to know what Justin was about to reveal. “What do you have to say, boy?”

“No, Jethro,” my mother said from her end of the table beside Nana Jessie. “You won't intimidate him. Go ahead, baby. You tell us. But before you say anything, I just want you to know I already know and I love you. I'm willing to accept that you're gay.”

“Oh, hell, no,” Jr chided.

“No, let's stop pretending,” my mother went on worriedly. “We all know. Let's just let it go and move on.”

“No, we won't, not in this house,” my father declared.

“Gay?” Nana Jessie repeated, looking at Justin. “You're gay?”

“Oh, no,” I sighed.

“But that's not it, Mama,” Justin said and I turned to look at him.

“What?” I asked.

“I mean, I am gay,” he went on.

“That's it; stop it!” My father banged his fist on the table and we all jumped.

“No, Dad, you stop. I've been living this stupid lie all of these years because of you. And I'm not going to hide anymore.”

My father, shocked by Justin's unusual defiance, fell back in his chair and glared at my mother.

“Do you all want to know why I haven't been coming home?” Justin began. “I've been hiding myself in Atlanta because I've been living as a woman for two years.”

For the first time since I sat down, I looked directly across the table at May. I had to seeâto see if someone else had heard what I'd heard. Because all there was now was silence. But looking at May, it was clear this was because they all indeed had witnessed the same thing. And then my mother groaned.

“Oh, no, Justin,” she said, her voice emptied of confidence.

Next to him, Nana Jessie's face flattened.

“Boy, you stop it!” my father shouted.

“I'm going through my changes right now,” Justin said, continuing his revelation in the din of our objections.

“Changes?” my mother asked.

“Surgically. I'm having sexual reassignment surgery.”

“Sexual reassign ... what?” Nana Jessie asked, holding her ear out.

“I'm getting a sex change.”

I looked at Justin and realized that the weight I thought he'd put on at the school was actually a bust line and even though he was sitting, on his little frame, exactly the opposite of my father's and Jr's, his hips had widened.

“Are you serious?” I asked, still putting the whole thing together in my mind.

“Baby brother,” Jr said, chuckling cruelly. “I always knew you were a sissy. Now, I know you were always a girl.”

“Fuck you,” Justin shot back.

“Oh, now you're talking like a girl, too ... wonderful.”

“You two stop it,” my mother jumped and I could hear in her voice she was crying. “You stop and Justin, you go and justâ” Her voice cracked and she began crying into a napkin she was holding.

“Mama,” Justin said, getting up and going to my mother, “I'm not trying to hurt you. This is who I am. It's who I've always been.” He massaged her shoulders and tried to wipe her tears, but there was no consoling her.

“You let go of my wife!” my father hollered. “You've done enough in this house.”

“Your wife?” Justin looked at my father like he was looking at a stranger. “She's my mother.”

“Not anymore,” my father said. “You get your things and get the hell out.”

BOOK: Something She Can Feel

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