Something Old (36 page)

He gently pushed her hand away. “Once I thought it was. Now I don’t.”

“Sure it is. Before you know it you’ll be reaping the good stuff. The blessings.”

“Maybe. But it’s too late with Katy. And that’s something I’m going to regret the rest of my life.”

Katy flung herself on her bed. Jake had dumped her. He’d begged her to forgive him, and then he’d dumped her. The cruel words he’d tossed at her burned through her mind:
Self-righteous, mean-spirited, unforgiving.
If she was any of those things, it was because he’d caused it. Still, it hurt so bad to know he felt that way about her. She hated him for putting the blame back on her. She hated herself for giving him reason to do it.

She had known from the start that she was wrong to blame him for the bad interview, but still she had gone down that destructive path. And to what end? She’d left him with no way out because she wanted to punish him. She’d brought this on herself because she couldn’t forgive him. She thought she had, but she must not have, because she wanted to punish him again and again for his rejection, his betrayal. Now she disgusted him. She disgusted herself.

He wouldn’t care that he’d lost her, but she would. And she would never get over him.

She bunched up her pillow and released pent-up pain and anger. She punched it and moaned. She hated him. She hated herself.

K
aty, wake up.”

“Go away.” Katy pushed at Lil’s hand. She didn’t want to wake up. “I’m staying home.”

Lil laced her voice with concern. “But you never miss church.”

Katy tried to focus her eyes through swollen slits. “Then today will be a first because I’m not facing Jake.”

“But you can’t stay in bed all day.”

Katy turned her head toward the wall, wondering why not. “I know you’re miserable. Look, you gave it a shot. Now you can both move on…without regrets. No more what-ifs.”

“That’s easy for you to say. Nobody’s ever dumped you. Twice.”

Lil’s hand retreated.

Instantly, Katy regretted her harshness. Her failed relationship wasn’t Lil’s fault. “I’m sorry. But he said horrible things to me.”

Lil sighed and lowered onto the edge of Katy’s bed. “He was only angry. We both know he’s a hopeless chump.”

“When people are angry, they say what they mean. And chump doesn’t cover the half of it.”

“Sometimes they try to lash out to cover their own hurts, too.”

That’s exactly what Katy had done. Lashed out at him for no reason yesterday, even when he’d only been kind. She had lashed out because of her own fears.

“You can still be friends. You were great at that.”

Katy tried to imagine a brotherly relationship with Jake, one built on kindness and an intimacy gained from knowing each other so well. It would never work because one of them would flirt, and then they’d end right back where they were today. But he was Lil’s cousin so he couldn’t be avoided, either.

“Megan’s coming over for lunch. She’s made her mission-trip choice. Wants to show us her Bangladesh brochure.”

Katy moaned. She wasn’t interested in Bangladesh. She had her own
Bungled-mess.
But weekends were the only time she saw Megan. And Katy didn’t want her to think she was mad over the discussion that had taken place in Megan’s dorm. “Okay, but when she wants to patch me up with Jake again, stand with me on this. You agree we’re hopeless together, right?”

Lil hesitated. “I haven’t heard Jake’s side yet. But it does seem that way.”

Katy bunched and cradled her pillow. “I can’t do this if you won’t help me.”

“All right.” Lil nodded. “I’ll back you up. But Megan won’t push you.”

“She might. Seems to have some honest streak going.”

“You think so, too?” Lil tapped her freckled cheek. “The other day she lectured me about self-respect. Had the nerve to say that if I didn’t chase guys so hard, they’d be chasing me. Like that would ever happen. She said some other stuff, too. Brought up my mom’s depression. Gave me a bunch of advice.” She dropped her hand. “Usually, she’s not so pushy. I thought she was acting weird, too. Maybe it
is
an honesty thing.”

Katy rose up on an elbow. “I’ll bet she’s taking some psychology class and testing it out on us.”

Lil’s voice grew animated. “Yes. I’ll bet that’s it.”

Nudging Lil with her hand, Katy snapped, “Move off my bed. I’ve gotta hurry if we don’t want to be late.”

Lil jumped up and smiled brightly. “Great, I’ll be in the kitchen.”

The sermon was on spiritual seasons. The preacher brought up Dutchman’s breeches—little, white, spring flowers that resembled a row of upside-down breeches on a clothesline. They represented summer’s promise. He compared spring and summer to God’s love and blessings. Winter symbolized the hard times. He stressed the beauty of faith in winter. Katy recalled the beauty of the barren wintry countryside when she took that dark sleigh ride with David. How long ago that seemed.

Applying the concept to her situation, she figured she was experiencing the bleakest winter of her life. Her latest fight with Jake must be dead winter. According to Brother Troyer, spring was around the corner. He claimed the key was trusting God. She thought about God and wondered if it really was that easy. Did God take a personal interest in her? Was He planning a spring and summer for her? Or was it all wishful thinking? Was He a judge, watching to see how she handled adversity?

Normally, Katy didn’t like change, but living in bitter cold forced her to welcome it. She jotted down a few notes on her bulletin, thinking she should start a spring-cleaning section of her journal and incorporate the spiritual season theme.

Brother Troyer ended the sermon by challenging his congregation to trust a loving God with their winters. The idea invaded the core of Katy’s heart like a live coal. As it burned deeper, she prayed,
I want to believe, Lord. Please help me.

Before she knew it, Megan and Lil were singing on either side of her. She felt glad Lil had urged her to come to church. The sermon had given her hope, and she couldn’t wait to find some time alone to pray and ask God to give her direction and shower her with an emotionalspiritual spring. She had to believe that the burning sensation she’d felt at the conclusion of the sermon was God’s drawing her, wooing her.

Time after time, she had ignored God’s voice. Yet He still wooed her. That was amazing.

But after the closing prayer, Katy remembered Jake. She returned her hymnal to the rack in the back of the pew in front of her and slowly turned. Her eyes scanned the sanctuary. Thankfully, he wasn’t anywhere in sight. Relief flooded through her. Either he hadn’t come and was at home lying in a bed of misery like she had been, or he had shot out the back at once, dreading their meeting as much as she did.

“I’m going to go find Mom,” Lil said.

Katy watched her friend depart, feeling a bit forsaken. But she understood that Lil was still worried about her mom’s depression. Feigning a smile, she turned to Megan. “I’ll bet you’re excited about your trip.”

Megan’s blond head bobbed. “So excited. I don’t know how I’ll ever wait until June.”

They moved down the center aisle, maneuvered around clusters of farmers eager to get in the fields and discussing disking and planting.

Megan added, “The sermon was awesome. I kept applying it to my life. Graduating and my trip. I can’t wait for summer to come so I can get to the good stuff, you know?”

Awestruck that God could use a sermon to speak to an entire congregation in a personal way, Katy nodded. “I feel the same way.”

Megan gave her a curious look. “Something’s happened, hasn’t it?”

“Yes, but I don’t want to tell you about it here.”

“All right. But I hope it’s a good thing. You deserve something good.”

The comment struck Katy as odd. Did she? Hadn’t Jake said she was self-righteous and ugly on the inside? Sometimes she felt like she was two persons, the proper one on the outside, and the enemy on the inside. How did anyone ever get that inside woman to jive with the outside one? If only Megan knew the real her, she’d realize she didn’t deserve much. No. What happened wasn’t good. At least not now, while she still hurt.

They shook hands with Brother Troyer and stepped into the foyer, and then Katy’s heart plummeted straight to the carpet. There stood Jake next to the exit. She had a view of his profile, and he had a happy expression. She ground her teeth. Happy to be rid of her. Happy because he was talking to two girls. Her eyes narrowed, and she tightened her grip on her purse. Then she noticed with relief that one was his sister, Erin.

She felt conflicting emotions. Katy should be happy that Erin was back in church. It was an answer to Jake’s prayers. But a selfish meanness arose in her that resented any kind of happiness for him today while she was hurting. At the same time, she felt ashamed.

Erin started laughing. She was dressed in her normal conservative clothing. Had Jake made all that up about her falling away? But Erin’s guest was a definite outsider. Jake was staring—or more like flirting—with a blond girl. A definite outsider, so maybe Erin hadn’t changed. Jake, either.

Jealousy flooded through her. How could he be able to flirt and forget her so easily? Then the blond girl moved, and Katy saw her face. The girl wore a nose ring. Katy gasped. Her jealousy reared like a wild stallion, an uncontrollable beast. Jessie! With bleached hair. Her entire hair, not just one strand.

For an instant, she stood spellbound and incredulous. The waiflike woman wore the highest spiked shoes Katy had ever seen. Her slender legs showed way too much skin, even though her skirt swirled around her calves in some clingy, flowery material. She couldn’t believe the elders had even allowed her inside the doors. Her pale hair had dark roots, not natural and beautiful like Megan’s. The change of hair color was why she hadn’t instantly recognized her. But her clothes had given her away even though her tattoo was covered. No, she had another one low on one leg. Katy blushed at viewing such a shocking, worldly display. Her face burned to think that Jake had been attracted to this type of woman. It seemed he still was, the way he was responding to her bright smiling lips and seductive eyes. Katy longed to turn away from the display, and at the same time felt riveted to watch it play out.

She should be happy she was rid of Jake, yet she felt like ripping Jessie’s hair out at its fake roots. Her eyes narrowed as she envisioned doing just that.

Then she felt Megan’s touch at her elbow. “It’s Erin!”

“And Jessie,” Katy ground out.

Megan’s face paled as she took in the significance of the scene. “Oh. And they’re blocking the door.”

In case her friend didn’t get the whole of it, Katy said between gritted teeth. “Get me out of here.”
Before I make a scene.

But before that happened, Jake turned his gaze in her direction. He was in the middle of a sentence and stopped speaking. He closed his mouth and tightened his jaw. When he did so, Erin and Jessie turned, too, following his gaze. All three stared at Katy, and Katy stared back, feeling nothing but hatred for the three of them.

Megan’s arm shot around Katy’s shoulder, and she was propelled around, probably heading back through the sanctuary and out a side door, but she wasn’t sure because her surroundings blurred into a swirling green that swallowed her vision. Green movements, green people, a green cross, and green shrubbery. She felt her feet moving, but all she saw was Jake and that despicable girl.

Like a drowning person, her mind struggled. Had he run straight from her back into Jessie’s arms? Slowly, Katy realized that was exactly what she’d told him to do. In fact, it was her parting jab.
Maybe Jessie will take you back.

Incoherent thoughts shot through her mind.
Spring? Darkness. Did God cause this? Or was this His warning against testing Him? Jake loved Jessie all along. Just Jessie. Steamy, starry nights with Jessie. Maybe they’d marry, and he’d leave. Please let him leave. God’s not listening. Help me, God.

Then she saw they were standing on the passenger side of Megan’s car. She looked up at her with confusion.

“You’re not driving like this. Get in. I’m taking you home.”