Something Girl (5 page)

I just stared at her. My dad? What was I going to say to him? And why wouldn’t Ms. Lee let him see me? “What am I going to do?” I whispered.

“I dunno,” Jujube said. “Maybe you should tell somebody what happened. Like … maybe Ms. Lee? She seems nice.”

“I can’t,” I said. What was Jujube thinking? I couldn’t go blabbing things to Ms. Lee. If I did, my dad might hurt my mom to get back at me.

Jujube leaned over me and stared right into my face. Her green eye was very green. “Why can’t you?” she asked.

I closed my eyes. I was so scared, all I could think about was how hard my heart was pounding. Then the nurse came back into the room. She hooked a tray over the
steel rails on my bed and said, “Time for lunch, kiddo. Someone’s going to have to feed you.”

I stared at her. Someone had to feed me? Why? Then I remembered the brace on my back.

The nurse grinned at me. “You’re just going to have to lie there like a baby. Nothing to do but open wide.”

“Let me do it,” Jujube said. “Let me feed her.”

The nurse smiled at me and asked, “Should I trust this kid with your life?”

My life but not my lunch
, I thought.

“This is service,” said Jujube, picking up the spoon. The nurse laughed and left the room.

“Open wide,” said Jujube. “This is the most awesome-looking muck I’ve ever seen.”

What choice did I have? I opened my mouth. Jujube fed me the food, bite by bite. It was peas and carrots, potatoes and meat. She wouldn’t tell me what it was, so I had to
guess by tasting. But I wasn’t really thinking about what I was eating. I was trying to think up something to tell Ms. Lee. She wouldn’t believe me if I said I fell out of my bedroom window. I would need broken bones for a story like that.

I thought, chewed and swallowed. Jujube started shoving the food into my mouth faster and faster. It was hard to keep up.

“Hey,” I said. “Slow down. I’ll choke to death.”

“Not funny,” said Jujube. She sniffed, and I realized she was crying again. “I wish they’d come, those aliens,” she said. “But I don’t think they’re real anymore. I just don’t think so.”

I didn’t say anything.
Welcome to real life
, I thought.

“Hello, Sophie,” said a voice from the doorway. Right away my heart started pounding again. I didn’t have to see this person to know who she was — trouble with a capital T.
Ms. Lee
.

“Hi,” I said and stared at the ceiling.

“Jujube,” she said, “I want you to leave the room. I need to talk to Sophie alone.”

I couldn’t see Jujube as she walked out, but I could guess what she was doing — crying her eyes out. I hated Ms. Lee for sending her away.

“How are you, Sophie?” Ms. Lee came over and stood by my bed where I could see her.

What a stupid question
, I thought.
Stupid question, stupid answer
.

“Fine,” I said.

“The doctor tells me they should be able to remove the brace in a few days,” she said.

“That’s good,” I said. “Then I can go back to school.”

Make it look good
, I thought.

“Yes,” said Ms. Lee. “We need to talk about that and a few other things.”

“What other things?” I asked quickly. I could hear it in her voice — trouble was coming. But maybe I could talk my way out of it. This time the problem was just my back
and some bruises — not something important like stealing.

“Sophie, what happened to you?” asked Ms. Lee.

I lay there, just thinking and thinking. I could say a car hit me. That would explain the bruises and my sore back and neck. But there would have been cuts and scrapes too. No matter how hard I thought, I couldn’t think of anything that made sense. I decided to keep my mouth shut and say nothing. I just lay there and stared at her.

Ms. Lee sighed. “Sophie,” she said, “I don’t know how to help you. You’re going to have to tell me sooner or later. The life you’re living right now isn’t safe for you.”

I couldn’t turn my head to get her out of my face, so I closed my eyes. But she kept talking.

“Your mother and father are out in the hall,” she said quietly. “Because I don’t know what happened, they’re not allowed to be alone with you. I’m going to let them into the
room now, but remember — I’ll be here the whole time. I want to be sure you’re safe.”

I heard her walk away. Even though I didn’t say so, I was glad she wasn’t going to leave me alone with my dad. I didn’t think he’d do anything in the hospital, but I still didn’t want to be alone with him.

Footsteps came into the room. Slowly I opened my eyes. My parents were leaning over me. My mom’s eyes were red. My dad’s were black.

I felt it happen then, the way it always did around my dad. All the power went out of me — the power to figure out things, to talk. It disappeared, and all that was left was a dead, empty space inside me. My dad always made me feel like that — as if I couldn’t do anything. There was no point in even trying.

My dad was hanging onto his shirt collar with one hand. One finger was pressed across his throat. It was such a little thing, Ms. Lee wouldn’t notice it. Even if she did,
she wouldn’t know what it meant. But I did. It meant,
You’re dead meat if you tell
.

My dad didn’t have to worry. I wasn’t talking.

My mom stood next to him, twisting her hands around the bed railing. I knew what she was thinking. If I messed up and talked, she would get it too.

“Hello, Froggy,” said my dad. Then, right in front of Ms. Lee, he leaned down and kissed my forehead. My stomach just about exploded then — a nuclear bomb inside.

“Are you all right, hon?” my mom whispered. She looked so white.

“Yeah,” I said. “Are you?”

Before my mom could answer, my dad said, “We’ve been so worried about you. What happened?”

I looked at the finger on his neck and closed my eyes. “I can’t remember,” I said. It was all I could think of, but it made me feel better. Nobody could get mad at me for this.

My dad sounded happy with my answer. “It was that boyfriend of yours, I bet,” he said. “It’s okay, hon. You can tell us.”

I realized he was giving me an answer — one that was okay with him. But I didn’t want to get Larry into trouble. He’d dumped me, but he hadn’t beaten me up.

“I don’t know,” I said, keeping my eyes closed. “I can’t remember.”

Ms. Lee started talking again. She sounded cold and hard, almost like a machine. “Well, Sophie, I want you to try to remember.”

I got really mad at her then. Didn’t she realize that my mom and dad and I had a system all worked out? My dad brought home the money, and my mom and I kept his secrets. He was the boss, and we did what he said. As long as we all followed his system, everything worked out fine. It was when a social worker showed up at our house that we got into trouble.

“Sophie,” said Ms. Lee, “I want you to open your eyes.”

You’ve got to be kidding
, I thought. I kept my eyes shut tight. For a moment there was complete silence, and then a new voice started talking. It wasn’t next to my bed but farther away, by the door.

“She’s scared,” said Jujube. “That’s why she can’t tell you.”

My eyes flew open and I saw Jujube standing behind Ms. Lee. Her green eye was greener than I’d ever seen it. It flashed like an ambulance light, like a spaceship light. Jujube from outer space.

“Shut up, will you?” I hissed.

Jujube looked straight at Ms. Lee. She said, “I’m going to tell because I’m more scared than she is. I’m scared she’ll be dead one of these days. It’s her dad, Ms. Lee. It’s her dad who hits her.”

Chapter Ten

The silence seemed to go on forever. Everyone froze and stared at Jujube. Because she’d gone and done the impossible — she’d just
said
it.

Then things started to move again. My mom stepped back from the bed. I knew she was trying to get out of my dad’s reach, so he couldn’t hit her. I wished I was her. I couldn’t move because of my brace, and he
was right beside my head. I thought,
This is it
, and closed my eyes.

I forgot, of course, that my dad was a great actor. He never yelled or swore in front of other people. I heard him take a big breath, probably to get his voice ready so it would sound real. Then he started talking as if he was discussing the weather.

“Now now now, Jujube,” he said. “Where did you get that idea?”

Jujube stepped forward so she was standing next to Ms. Lee. Then she glared straight at my dad. I didn’t see how she could do that. My dad’s face was the last place I was going to look.

“I’ve seen the bruises you put on her,” Jujube said. “I saw the bump on her head. You hit her so hard she goes black and blue.” Her voice wobbled. Ms. Lee put an arm around her.

My dad said, “I’m very concerned about the bruises Froggy’s been coming home with.” He sounded worried, just like a TV
dad. “It must be that new boyfriend. What’s his name, sweetie? Larry, isn’t it?”

I just lay there with my eyes closed. No way,
no way
, NO WAY was I saying anything.

“Why didn’t you report these incidents to the police?” asked Ms. Lee. She sounded mad.

“I was keeping track of them,” said my dad. He put out his hand and patted my head. His finger touched a scab from a beer bottle he’d hit me with last week. Quickly he moved his hand to my forehead.

His hand felt heavier than I can tell you. I kept my eyes closed and shut everything out. “I don’t remember,” I said. “That happens sometimes, y’know. I just don’t remember.”

I had seen TV shows where people got hurt and then forgot what happened. I figured if it worked on TV, it could work for me too. All of a sudden I wished I was watching this on TV so I could change the channel to another show.

“Why don’t we give Sophie a break?” said Ms. Lee. For the first time, I liked the lady. Finally she was showing some common sense. “We can discuss this at a later time,” she said. “I’m asking you to leave the room now, Mr. Hawthorne.”

For a second my dad’s hand tightened across my forehead. I got the message, but I don’t think Ms. Lee noticed. Then my dad bent down and kissed my cheek. I could feel his breath on my face. I kept my eyes closed so I didn’t have to see him.

“I’ll be waiting in the car, hon,” he said to my mom. Then he walked out of the room.

I opened my eyes to see Jujube standing next to me. She looked relieved that my dad was gone. “Can I stay?” she asked.

Ms. Lee was about to answer when my mom spoke up. It sounded as if she was over by the window. “May I talk to my daughter alone?” she asked.

Ms. Lee looked at me carefully. Then she
said, “I’m sorry, Mrs. Hawthorne. I’ll have to stay here with you.”

She sent Jujube out of the room and waited while my mom came over to my bed. At first I couldn’t look at my mom, my heart was pounding too hard. Then all I could do was stare at her. I mean, this was my mom standing beside me. She could get hurt because of what Jujube had said. And it was all my fault.
Stupid, no good, nothing girl
.

My mom stood for a long time without saying anything. She just stared at her hands and twisted her purse strap around. Then she started crying.

“I didn’t know, Froggy,” she whispered. “I didn’t know he would go this far. This is my fault. I should’ve done something. I should’ve gotten you out of there a long time ago.”

“No, Mom,” I said. “It’s not your fault, it’s mine.”

My mom stared at me. “But I’m your mother. I’m the one who let this happen to you.”

I stared back at her. She wasn’t making sense. How could it be her fault? I was the one who got beat up. If I hadn’t gotten beat up, there wouldn’t have been any trouble.

“Do you really feel this is your fault, Sophie?” Ms. Lee asked softly.

“It’s got to be,” I said. Suddenly I was crying in big ugly sobs. “My dad only hits me when I do something wrong,” I said. “He only hits me because I’m bad. I’m bad and he’s trying to make me good. Maybe when I’m good, then he can love me. But I don’t know how to be good. How can I be good and make my dad love me? I just want my dad to love me. But he can’t. He can’t because I’m stupid. I’m a stupid, no good, nothing girl.”

Silence filled the room. But the words weren’t finished coming out of me yet. “If my dad loved me,” I said, still crying, “then I would be something. Then I could be something.”

“Oh, Sophie,” my mom whispered. “You are something. You’re some
one
.”

Then she leaned down and held me for a long time. Around us the room got very quiet. I think the girl across the room turned off her TV. My mom was crying. I was crying. I think even Ms. Lee was crying.

Finally my mom stood up again. But she took my hand and held it.

Ms. Lee smiled at me. She took my other hand. “When your father hits you, it’s his fault,” she said. “Not yours.
His
.”

For a minute my mind shut down. It just stopped working, as if it had hit a brick wall.
No
, I thought.
It isn’t my dad’s fault. It can’t be. He doesn’t really want to hit me. He’s just doing it to straighten me out
.

Did my dad
want
to hurt me?

“No,” I said and closed my eyes.

It got very quiet again. Then my mom touched my cheek and said, “Maybe it’s time you and I said it’s your dad’s fault, Sophie.”

My mom had never called me “Sophie” before. Only social workers and teachers and
kids at school called me that. But it sounded like me for the first time when I heard it come out of my mom’s mouth.

After this, Ms. Lee and my mom talked for a long time. They talked about filing a police report. Ms. Lee said something about a “restraining order.” The longer they talked, the more I felt something happening inside me. It was as if some kind of space was growing there, but it wasn’t outer space. It was space inside me for something besides fear — fear and running and trying to figure out how to not get hit. Because my mom was doing that now, with Ms. Lee. They were figuring that out so I didn’t have to.

And neither did Jujube. I could just see her in the doorway, peeking into the room. For the first time in years, she didn’t look worried. Our eyes met and I grinned at her — a little grin, but it counted.