Some Loves (7 page)

I realized how much I missed him. Or at least how much I missed his friendship.
He’d been there for me at a time when I hadn’t let anyone else in. I didn’t want to go back to that, depending on him that way. But maybe we could get the friendship back.

“You and Caleb?” Riley wondered. “Do you think there’s any chance there’s still something there?
The two of you seemed really…I don’t know. It seemed like the two of you just really clicked.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and narrowed my eyes at her. “So that’s why you had him stay for dinner?”

She shrugged guiltily.

“That’s funny because he said you mentioned to him that Noah and I were working things out.”

“I didn’t exactly put it that way,” she argued. “I know you haven’t spent any time with Caleb lately. I thought maybe if you did, it would give you a clearer idea of your feelings.”

“I didn’t realize my feelings were unclear,” I stated.
“I don’t think of Caleb that way anymore. Even if I did, he made it clear he’s not interested.”

Riley sighed. “That’s not true. He was, and probably still is
, very interested. He just thought backing off was the right thing to do.”

“He told you that?”

She nodded.

“That’s funny because he’s never given me that impression.”
Even tonight, I didn’t get that feeling from him at all. Dinner was civil, fun even, but I hardly got the feeling that he had
feelings
for me.

“Of course he’s not going to tell you that,” Riley admonished. “Look, I know how you feel about Noah. I also know that you had strong feelings for Caleb. I just want to be sure that you’re trying to make things work with the right person
this time. That’s all.”

“And which person do you think that should be?” I asked.

“What I think is irrelevant,” she said. “I just want you to be sure. All along, I thought it was Noah. But I’ve never really seen you and Caleb together.”

“We were friends and I miss him. It was nice spending time with him,” I said. “So I guess, thank you for that.”

She laughed. “You didn’t really answer my question.”

“What was your question again?”

“Do you think there’s still something between you and Caleb?”

“Sure,” I said. “We got to kno
w each other pretty well last fall. Really, I’ve known him almost my whole life. So yeah, I guess there’s something there. I’m just not at all sure what that something is.”

Riley rolled her eyes at me. “You are impossible.”

“And you,” I said, “are a meddler.”

“I am, aren’t I?” she asked with a grin. She tossed her arm around my shoulder. “And that’s why you love me.”

I laughed. “It’s just one of the many reasons that I love you. Now, unless there’s something else you want to bombard me with, I need to get home.”

“I think I’m finished for tonight,” she said with a smile. “But I give no guarantees about tomorrow.”

“You’re impossible!” I said with another laugh. “See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, cuz, see you tomorrow!” she sang.

My phone startled me awake.
I blinked into the darkness, searching for the glowing red numbers of the clock that rested on the table next to my bed. It was a little after midnight, I realized as I fumbled for my phone.

The alert was for a text.

I was surprised that it was from Drew. I was even more surprised by what it said:

Special delivery

Special delivery? What in the hell did that mean?

The doorbell rang and I realized that might be an answer to my question. It seemed obvious the two had to be related. It was unusual for Drew to text me, unheard of for him to text me in the middle of the night. And our doorbell, it almost never rang past nine o ’clock.
Typically, I would’ve automatically assumed the worst but the text had me more curious than anything.

I scrambled out of bed plucking my bathrobe from the hook on the back of my door as I went.

The bell rang again as I hurried down the staircase. I flipped on the foyer light. It was so bright I squinted into it as I mentally tried to shake myself awake.

“Special delivery?” I muttered to myself. Knowing Drew, it could be anything from a prank to a pizza.

When I pulled the door open, I had not been expecting to see Noah standing there. Headlights cut across the front porch as a car backed out of the driveway.

Drew was delivering Noah to me? Hopefully not against his will. My heart shot off in an erratic beat at the sight of him.

“Hi,” Noah said. He edged past me and kicked off his shoes. His movements seemed a little jerky and unbalanced. “I came to talk.”

“Okay.” I crossed my arms over my stomach. I was still having a hard time wrapping my head aro
und the fact that Noah was here, in my house at this bizarre hour. My head was still fuzzy from sleep and my eyes were still adjusting to the light.

Noah turned and started up the steps, presumably toward my bedroom.

This night just got more and more peculiar.

I stood there for a moment, stunned by this turn of events. Then I mentally shook myself off and
hurried after him. By the time I reached my room, he was sitting on the edge of my unmade bed.

His eyes darted around my room. I hadn’t really changed anything since the last time he’d been here. Pictures of us still decorated the mirror above my dresser. The bowtie he’d worn to junior prom still rested around the neck of a penguin he’d won for me at the county fair. A crystal bowl on my dresser held the petals from the first bouquet of flowers he’d ever given to
me. It had been a gorgeous bouquet of pink roses for my seventeenth birthday; just months after we’d started dating.

If he were to dig a little deeper, he’d find a box of hand written notes in my dresser.

Finally his eyes landed on me again.

“What’s going on?” I asked. Though we’d been making progress, I didn’t think we were at the stage
in our—friendship?—where midnight visits were in order. Not that I was complaining. I was happy to see him, no matter how surprised I was. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re here. I’m just a little surprised.”

“You and me?” He studied my face. It looked like it took a bit of effort. I wondered how much he’d had to drink. “I just don’t know what to do about us.”

I moved toward him, waiting for him to continue. When he didn’t, I seated myself next to him. He inched around to face me.

“What are we going to do?” he asked.

I shook my head in confusion. When I spoke, my voice was still crackly from sleep. “I don’t know what you mean. I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

He looked at me for so long
I started to wonder if
he
even knew what he was asking. Perhaps he was just as confused as I was.

Finally he shook his head and looked away.

“I can’t decide if I love you or hate you,” he stated flatly as he stared vacantly across the room. “I can’t stand to be near you, but I’m miserable when we’re apart. The way I feel about you, it’s tearing me up inside.”

“Noah,” I said as I tentatively reached for his hand. He let me take it but when I squeezed his fingers, he didn’t squeeze them back.
“I’m so sorry about what happened between us. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you feel like I didn’t trust you. I never meant for things to get so out of control, so bad between us.”

He shrugged. “But they did.”

“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “They did.”

He finally turned to look at me. I could see the struggle in his eyes.

“You’re tangled up in almost every important memory I have of the last three years of my life. I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s impossible. And it’s not fair. Everyone is pushing us together. Riley, my grandma, tonight even Drew. So I started thinking, maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m fighting something I shouldn’t be fighting.”

“You had to get wasted before you could tell me that?” I asked as my heart sank. I wanted him here. I just wasn’t sure that I wanted him here like this.

He scoffed at me. “No, that’s not it.”

I wanted to believe him.
Or maybe
, I tried to tell myself,
it doesn’t matter why he’s here. As long as he is here
.

“I’m here because I can’t stop thinking about you. It was easier before our paths started crossing. Not easy…but easier. The last few weeks, you’re on my mind more than ever. I can’t stop thinking about you.
I can’t stop remembering what we had. I can’t stop missing you. I can’t stop talking about you.”

“You talk about me?” I asked skeptically.

He nodded. “All. The. Damn. Time. Just ask Drew. That’s how I ended up here. We were out and he told me that if he heard me bitching and moaning one more time, he was dropping me off at your door. I guess I didn’t stop. Because here I am.”

“Do you
want
to be here?”

“What I
want is to forget that you were ever with someone else. I want things to be like they were. But you can’t turn back time. And there are certain things I can’t get out of my head. I don’t think I’m supposed to miss you so damn much, not after all these months, but I do.”

“I miss you too. Noah…I still love you. I never stopped. I’ve made mistakes, huge mistakes. I should’ve leaned on you.”

“I’ve made mistakes too.” He got a faraway look on his face and I wondered what he was thinking of. Probably the night he told me he had feelings for someone else.

My mistake was running to someone else when I’d heard those words. I had only wanted to feel better. I had, briefly.

“So what are we going to do about it?” he asked.

“I think I’ve made it clear that I still love you,” I said. “So I guess really, the ball is in your court. What do you want to do about us? Because as for me? I want to fix us.”

“Do you think we can?”

“Yes. I think you think so too. Otherwise I don’t think you’d be here. Relationships are messy. I guess it’s just a matter of deciding whether or not we’re worth fighting for.” My gaze scoured his face as I tried to determine what he was feeling.

I anxiously waited for him to say something. Anything, really, to let me know what he was thinking. My heart beat painfully hard and I clenched my hands into fists to keep them from shaking. I felt as though what I’d said was so inadequate. He was here, with me, and I was afraid he wasn’t going to stay.

His hand drifted up to my cheek and he rubbed his thumb across my cheekbone. “I’ve missed you, Em
. I’ve missed you so damn much.”

“What about Melanie?” I asked. After the day she’d shown up at my house, we’d never spoken of Noah again. I had no idea if he’d ever called her or not.

“What about her?” he asked.

“There’s nothing going on with the two of you?”

For just a moment, he looked amused, then he frowned. “Don’t you two talk? I thought you were friends?”

“We are. We just don’t talk about you,” I admitted. I had actually worried that she was dating Noah and that’s why she was careful to never bring him up. I’d been too afraid to ask.

“After you saw us at that party, I felt like she couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. She barely even looks my way in class.”

“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to ruin your date.”

“Really?” he asked with raised eyebrows. “Would’ve you preferred that things worked out?”

A small, nervous laugh slipped out. “No. Not exactly. That whole situation was just…,” I wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence.

“Not anything to worry about,” he assured me. “It was one date. Not even. It was one date that got cut short. I thought maybe I’d get over you if I finally tried dating someone else. It kind of backfired.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Getting over you doesn’t seem to be something I’m capable of.”

He moved in slowly and my eyes fluttered closed. I waited, holding my breath, as I silently willed him to close the remaining distance between us. When his lips brushed against mine, softly at first, a feeling of pure bliss washed over me.

He gently pushed me down on my bed, moving with me until his body was covering mine. The weight of him, his nearness, his scent…I had missed it all so badly. His lips trailed a kiss from my lips down to my neck.

My fingers gently kneaded his shoulders as I wrapped one leg around him. My body responded to his almost instantly.
He leaned back, untying the sash around my bathrobe. I slid out of it, very much aware that I wore nothing but a pair of skimpy boy shorts and a cami top while he was fully clothed.

I tugged at his shirt and he obliged by sliding out of it. My fingers fumbled with the button on his jeans. He maneuvered out of those as well.

“Better?” he asked.

“Much,” I agreed. I moved to the middle of the bed and he followed. My hands grazed over his boxers, the only article of clothing he had left. His fingers circled my wrist, stopping me.

“Not tonight, okay?” he asked.

“Okay,” I whispered, realizing it was too much to expect that everything would immediately go back as it was. I wanted him so badly. The heated way he was looking at me
made me believe he wanted me just as badly. When he lowered his body onto mine again, I had no doubt.

“Kiss me,” he commanded.

I threaded my fingers behind his head, drawing his mouth down to mine. His hand slid along my waist, gliding upward until he found my breast. His fingers caressed me. I reflexively arched my body into his as his mouth met mine in a devouring kiss. I could feel his desire for me through our thin layers of clothing. When his body began to move above mine in a deliciously slow rhythm, I didn’t bother to hold back a breathy moan.

He had clearly set limits and I was okay with that. I was also willing to find out just how far he’d let things go.

***

I woke up feeling
slightly disoriented. I blinked into the early morning light. Noah was by my side. It took a few moments to wrap my mind around that. He was lying on his stomach, his arms wrapped around his pillow.

Even though he was right here next to me, I was having a hard time comprehending that last night had actually happened. I couldn’t help but wonder how he’d feel when he woke up. Was he going to regret everything that had been said? Was he going to try to take it back? Would he walk out of here and not look back?

The very thought of that had me hoping that he’d sleep a little longer. I wasn’t ready to let him go yet.

A smile flickered across my lips. Hopefully I was just being paranoid. It wasn’t as if he’d had
that
much to drink last night. He could’ve left at any time. I would’ve brought him home. He’d said he’d missed me. The expression he wore told me that he’d meant it.

He’d missed me as much as I missed him.

We could do this.

We could fix things, we could make it work.

We both knew we couldn’t go back and change anything, but we could move forward from here. I was more than willing and after last night, I finally had hope that he was too. Waking up with Noah in my bed was something that I could definitely get used to. It had been a rare occurrence for us, waking up together. Or spending the night together, for that matter. The opportunity so rarely arose.

Without warning, his eyes fluttered opened. I was caught staring at him. He rolled onto his side and stretched while I forced a smile.

“Good morning,” I said. I wanted to reach out to him but I was afraid to make the first move.

“Morning,” he muttered. “What time is it?”

“It’s a little after eight.”

He groaned as he tossed a hand across his eyes. “When did you turn into a morning person?” he asked with a smile.

I stifled a laugh. “I’m not. I just couldn’t sleep.” I knew I’d be dragging by mid-day. I did not admit to him that part of the reason I was awake was simply because I’d wanted to watch him sleep.