Slur: The Riverhill Trilogy: Book 1 (12 page)

Saturday 19
^th
July 1986

Julie was led into a small room, about 6ft by 6ft. Once
inside, she heard the sound of a key being turned in the lock and the jingling of
the jailor’s chain of keys. She ran to the door attempting to open it but it
wouldn’t budge. In her desperation she looked around the room for an
alternative means of escape. There were windows but they were heavily barred.
In between the bars, faces peered at her in amusement, jeering and shouting
insults.

The room
was bright, with strip neon lights lining the whitewashed ceiling. The walls
and floors were whitewashed too, reflecting the brightness of the lights. As
she looked around the room, the intense brilliance dazzled and stung her eyes. Her
ears rang with the sound of mocking voices as they grew louder until she
screamed at them to stop. But Julie’s screams were met with derision. In
despair she tried closing her eyes and covering her ears with her hands, but
she could not escape from the noise, the blinding headache, dizziness and
nausea. It was stiflingly hot inside the room and Julie started to perspire profusely.
 

Suddenly,
the walls began to close in on her and she panicked, pushing at the walls in a
futile attempt to hold them back. The voices changed to laughter; loud, raucous
laughter, which echoed in her mind.

The walls
drew nearer and nearer. The windows disappeared. The faces faded. And the laughter
ceased. The room now became dark and ominous and Julie prepared to meet her
fate. As she felt the hard stone crushing her legs, she emitted a shrill scream.

It was this
scream that awoke her parents who dashed into her room to find Julie fighting
for breath and sweating copiously; one clammy hand clutching her chest and the
hair pasted to her forehead.

‘Julie,
what’s the matter love? Have you had a bad dream? You frightened the bloody
life out of us!’ yelled Betty.

Julie’s
breathing had become so strained that she had difficulty replying.

‘What
should we do Bill?’ asked Betty, beginning to get flustered.

Before Bill
had a chance to answer, however, Julie had jumped from the bed, fled from the
room and tore downstairs with Betty following in close proximity.

‘Julie,
what’s wrong love?’ Betty shouted in despair.

Julie
struggled to force out a reply in between taking sharp breaths and swallowing
hard. ‘I think I’m having a heart attack or something Mam! There’s pains in my
chest, and they’re even down my left arm. I can’t get my breath, and my heart’s
going twenty to the dozen. Oh God, I think I’m gonna faint Mam!’

Betty
followed Julie into the living room, plumping up a cushion. ‘Sit down here
love, and you might feel a bit better.’

‘I can’t Mam!
It’s worse when I stay still! It’s better if I keep walking.’

Betty’s
face displayed a look of total confusion while Julie continued to dash around
the room showing signs of distress but acting far too energetic for someone
having a heart attack.

Fortunately,
Bill strode into the room and began to take control.

‘She’s
having a panic attack Betty. Calm down the pair of you! It’ll soon pass.’

‘Are you
sure that’s what it is Bill?’ asked Betty, becoming agitated herself.

‘Course I’m
sure! I’ve seen a few of ’em in my time. You go and pour her a brandy Betty;
I’ll sort her out.’

Betty
dashed to the drinks cabinet while Bill took hold of Julie and tried to
encourage her to take slow, deep breaths, while he uttered words of
reassurance.

For several
minutes Julie found it difficult to settle and paced around the room in between
taking sips of brandy. Eventually her symptoms subsided and the attack
culminated in an outburst of tears.

‘Oh Mam, I
thought I was dying!’ she sobbed. ‘Thanks for helping me Dad.’

‘That’s all
right, but if you’re gonna have any more of these attacks, don’t get too used
to having a drink to calm you down. It’s a bad habit to get into. Get yourself
down to the doctor’s on Monday morning and see what they can sort out.’

‘I will Dad,
thanks,’ Julie muttered.

Bill
returned upstairs leaving Julie and her mother to talk.

‘Are you
all right now love?’ asked Betty.

‘Yes, I’m
just a bit shaky, that’s all. I can’t believe a panic attack can make you feel
that bad! I honestly thought I was having a heart attack or something. It’s a
good job my dad was here, isn’t it?’

‘Aye, he
does care in his own daft way you know Julie.’

‘I suppose
he does, but he’s still disappointed in me, isn’t he?’

‘You
wouldn’t have said that if you’d have seen how he stuck up for you tonight!’

‘What do
you mean Mam, what happened?’

‘Oh it was
a right carry on, a big posh do it was, and after them saying they had to cut
corners. We knew straightaway the real reason they hadn’t invited you.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yes Julie,
my own flesh and blood turning their backs on you! It shames me to say it, and
if that wasn’t enough your dad overheard two of your uncles having a
conversation in the toilets about you.’

‘What were
they saying about me?’

‘Oh, you
know,’ Betty began, ‘they were talking about you being arrested, and that being
the reason for you not being there, that sort of thing.’

‘Go on.’

‘Oh I think
you’ve got the gist of it Julie. You don’t want to hear the rest. Anyway, the
point is, your father stood up to them all and told them you were better than
the bloody lot of them put together, and then we stormed out.’

‘You’re
joking!’

‘I’m not
love. See, I told you he cares in his own daft way, didn’t I?’

This
revelation succeeded in bringing a brief smile to Julie’s face as her mother
held and comforted her. Julie couldn’t help her look of amusement as she
pictured the scene that had taken place. She could imagine the horrified
reactions of the other guests.

‘Right,’
said Betty, after a few moments. ‘I’m off to bed. Will you be all right now
love?’

‘Yes!’
Julie assured her for the second time.

Betty,
however, looked unconvinced. ‘You know, if there’s anything else bothering you
Julie, you’ve only got to say. You can talk to me any time.’

Julie
paused for a moment, deliberating whether to confide in her mother.

‘There is
something isn’t there?’ asked Betty.

‘Well,
yes,’ Julie admitted. ‘It sounds stupid though; you’ll think I’ve lost my
marbles.’

‘Don’t be
so daft! Come on, out with it.’

‘Well, it
was after Rita rang me from her holidays, you know, the day after she arrived
there. I answered the phone and her and Debby sounded like they didn’t have a
care in the world. It started me off thinking about Amanda, and as I looked
towards the window I thought I saw Amanda watching me, but when I walked
towards her she was gone.’ She paused a moment, gauging her mother’s reaction,
but when it wasn’t forthcoming she added. ‘There, I said you’d think I’d gone
mad, didn’t I?’

‘I don’t
think anything of the bloody sort!’ replied Betty. ‘I was just a bit shocked
that’s all. It sounds to me like the pressure’s been getting to you more than I
realised. Oh Julie love, why didn’t you tell me? I can’t help you if you don’t tell
me, can I?’

Julie
looked embarrassed.

‘Now you
listen to me Julie Quinley,’ Betty continued. ‘I want you down at that doctor’s
on Monday. Sod work! I’ll ring them and tell them you’re not well, OK?’

‘Yes,’
Julie replied.

‘Good, then
get yourself upstairs when you’ve finished that drink, and try not to let
things get to you so much.’

Betty gave
Julie one last reassuring squeeze before she went to bed. Julie sat in silence
for a few moments contemplating the conversation that had just taken place. A
short while later she finished the brandy and dragged herself to bed feeling mentally
and physically exhausted.

Sunday 20
^th
July 1986

It was the following day when Rita paid Julie a visit after
returning from holiday. Rita’s appearance surprised Julie. Not only was she
suntanned, but she had a radiant glow about her.

‘You look
well!’ Julie announced on seeing her. ‘It looks like you’ve been having a good
time. You’ll have to tell me all about it.’

‘Julie it
was brilliant! You should have been there. The weather was gorgeous. The place
was really nice. We partied every night and chilled out on the beach every day,
and as for the talent!’

‘Go on!’
beckoned Julie, knowing there was more to follow. ‘What’s his name, how old is
he, what does he do and is he good in bed?’

‘Yansis, 25,
a waiter and absolutely bloody fantastic!’ Rita replied. ‘I think I’m in love
Jules, I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve phoned him twice already since I
got home.’

‘Jesus
Rita, the bleedin’ sun must have gone to your head,’ replied Julie in surprise.

‘Well
Jules, sometimes it takes us by surprise when we least expect it, and he took
me by surprise a few times, I can tell you,’ Rita replied, laughing.

‘Oh you
dirty cow!’ Julie responded.

They
remained silent for a few moments while Julie digested the news. Then she said,
‘What are you going to do then? If he lives over there, how are you going to
see him?’

‘Well,
we’ve talked about that a lot. I want to go and live there. I told him I’d use
my redundancy money to put a deposit down on a bar, but he was having none of
it. He says he wants to do his share so he’s going to see if he can raise some
of the money himself. His dad’s invested some money in olive trees for him apparently.’

‘Bloody
hell Rita, this is all a bit soon isn’t it? You hardly know him!’

‘It doesn’t
matter Julie. It feels right. I know it does! There’s no point waiting around.
Sometimes in life you’ve just got to go for it and as soon as I get the OK from
him, I’m over there. There’s nowt to stay here for, is there?’

‘Oh thank
you very much, Rita!’

‘Sorry
Jules, I didn’t mean it like that. I’ll miss you all, of course I will, but
you’ve got Vinny and your nice family. Who have I got?’

‘I’m sorry
Rita; I don’t mean to put a damper on things. It’s just that I don’t want you
to make a big mistake, but if you know you’re doing the right thing then I’m really
happy for you.’

Julie tried
to put on a brave face while she hugged Rita and congratulated her.

‘Jesus
Rita, I’ll miss you, you know.’

Julie then
shocked Rita by bursting into tears.

‘Go on, you
daft cow!’ said Rita. ‘We’ll still see each other. It’s not as if I’m going to
the ends of the earth, is it? I’ll be on the phone every five minutes, and just
think of all the cheap holidays you’ll be able to have.’

She then
noticed the anguished expression on Julie’s face and asked, ‘What is it Julie;
are things still bad at work?’

‘Yes they
are, I can’t stand it anymore! I ended up having panic attacks. I’m going to
the doctor’s tomorrow to try and get a sick note and whatever else he can give
me that might help.’

‘Oh Julie,
you shouldn’t let it get to you so much.’

‘I know,’
said Julie, her voice trembling. ‘But that’s just the way it is.’

‘What about
Vinny? Have you seen anything of him?’

Julie shook
her head in response.

‘Julie, for
God’s sake! He’s a good guy. You can’t let this take over your life. Get your
act together!’

‘I can’t
Rita. I can’t explain it. I just can’t be mithered when I feel like this.’

‘Oh well,
suit yourself,’ Rita replied. ‘I must be off now anyway.’

She left
Julie to wallow in her self-denigration, but just before departing she turned
towards Julie and said, ‘Cheer up, everything will work out right in the end,
you’ll see.’

The news
had knocked Julie sideways. She couldn’t help but wonder how she was going to
cope without Rita around. Under normal circumstances she would have missed her,
but the way things were at the moment she felt as though she was having her
life support machine removed.

The last
couple of weeks had been bad enough, but the thought of being left indefinitely
to face the music alone was just unbearable. Suddenly, she became wracked with
guilt. How could she ever have suspected Rita? She was a good friend; she
always had been. It was only now, when Rita was going away, that she realised
just how good a friend she had been.

She thought
about Rita’s words. Maybe she should get her life back on track, give Vinny a
ring and find out if she could make amends. But when she tried to decide what
to say to him the prospect became daunting. What she hadn’t told Rita was that Vinny
had tried ringing her but she had been abrupt with him, telling him that she
didn’t feel like seeing him at the moment; she just wanted leaving alone.

How could
she excuse her behaviour towards him and expect to pick up where she had left
off? She wasn’t even sure that she wanted to. What if she felt the same as she
did the last time she saw him? He would take a further rejection as an insult
to his pride, and where would that leave their relationship?

Finally,
having resigned herself to the fact that she wouldn’t contact Vinny until she
was in a better frame of mind, she went over to the stereo and selected an
album. As she listened to Whitney Houston’s “How will I know?” she could feel
the suppressed tears of frustration stinging her eyes.

--------------------

Sunday 20
^th
July 1986

Once Rita had
left Julie’s home she headed in the direction of her own house exuding an air
of self-confidence following the good time she had enjoyed on holiday. In
addition to her usual skimpy clothing, her suntan brought out the best in her
and gave her the overall appearance of being moderately attractive.

Despite her
confident air, as she strode along the road she was troubled by thoughts of
Julie. She had never seen her at such a low ebb, and she feared for her friend’s
emotional and mental well-being. She didn’t want to cause Julie any more
trauma, but knew that her forthcoming plans were bound to upset her. Rita
pushed these thoughts out of her mind, deciding that she had her own happiness
to think of. 

After Rita
had left Julie in her bedroom, Betty had snatched a few quick words with her as
she made her way towards the front door. The conversation was hurried and
whispered as Betty did not want Julie to overhear, but the gist of it was that
she was very worried about Julie as she had sunk into a deep depression and was
finding it difficult to cope from day to day. Rita was at a loss as to what she
could do to make things better for Julie.

--------------------

Monday
21
^st
July 1986

Julie sat
in the dreary waiting room of the doctor’s surgery surrounded by arthritic
pensioners, snivelling babies and hyperactive toddlers. She was dreading seeing
the doctor; she felt like a fraud. Julie wasn’t actually ill, not in the
physical sense anyway, but she knew, nevertheless, that things weren’t quite as
they should be. Besides, her parents had been so insistent about her visiting
the doctor; if she let them down she feared that they might never speak to her
again.

She had
turned down her mother’s offer to come with her, giving some meagre excuse. The
real reason was that if she had a last minute panic and couldn’t go through
with it, she wouldn’t be able to back out if her mother was there.

Julie had
rehearsed what she was going to say to the doctor several times in her head,
but it never sounded quite right:-

“
I think
I’m having a breakdown
” – (No, too dramatic.)

“
I’m losing
it doctor
” – (Losing what, you daft cow? I think you lost that years ago
but we can arrange an internal examination if you prefer Miss Quinley.)

“
I’m
having panic attacks
”- (What makes you say that? I don’t know, my dad told
me I was.)

Finally she
settled on “
I’m having trouble with my nerves.
” Then at least she’d have
got the condition out of the way in as few words as possible. She knew that the
doctor would then prompt her to go into further detail, but she hoped that by
then she would have calmed down a bit.

“
Thank
God I’m seeing Doctor Frazer,
” she thought. “
At least it’s better than seeing
Doctor Weiller.”

Julie had only
been to see the doctor twice in the last five years so she didn’t know what to expect,
but she had heard about Doctor Weiller’s reputation for insensitivity from her
mother. Doctor Frazer, on the other hand, was a considerate 30 something female
with whom Julie felt more at ease.

She was
becoming increasingly tense, and every time the buzzer sounded it made her jump
to such an extent that she felt sure the other patients could see her
exaggerated reaction. When the buzzing was accompanied by the receptionist
announcing her name, she felt the bile rise in her throat. “
Here goes,
”
she thought.

‘Come in,’
shouted the doctor when Julie knocked on her surgery door.

Julie
approached the doctor’s desk and waited for her cue to begin speaking.

‘Take a
seat. What can I do for you?’ asked the doctor.

‘I’ve come
with my nerves,’ said Julie in a flurry of words. Embarrassed at her cracking
voice and lack of articulation, she cleared her throat and corrected herself.
‘I mean, I’m having trouble with my nerves.’

The doctor
sensed that Julie was worked up and said kindly, ‘All right, perhaps you’d like
to explain how it’s been affecting you. Take your time, there’s no rush.’

‘Well, I
don’t know where to start really. Everything’s been getting on top of me. I’ve
had a really bad few weeks. I’ve been getting panic attacks. It all started
when my friend died.’

As soon as
she began describing the situation she broke down and found it difficult to
speak coherently; instead she rushed her words.

‘It’s all
right,’ soothed the doctor as she passed Julie a tissue. ‘It sounds as though
you’ve been having a rough time of it. Do you work?’

Julie could
only nod in response.

‘And how
are you coping with work?’

‘Terrible,’
cried Julie. ‘It’s hell! They all think I killed Amanda and I can’t stand it
anymore,’ she said between sobs.

The doctor was
shocked but remained professional. She didn’t probe any further, knowing that
Julie was having real difficulty discussing her troubles.

‘Right, I
want you to take two weeks off, and I’m giving you something that will help you,’
said the doctor. ‘At the end of the two weeks I want you to come back and see
me, then we can decide if you’re still unfit for work.’

‘Thank you,’
said Julie as she took the prescription and sick note.

As soon as
Julie got outside the doctor’s surgery she felt tremendous relief, but she also
felt weak and pathetic and wished that she was able to deal with her problems
as well as Rita.