Sliver Moon Bay: The Looking (14 page)

53

Things go downhill after that.
Lilian spends her days moping. She cries, a bit, but it’s too
draining, even for her. So she relies on me and her magic pills.
It’s really getting me down. I worry about her when I’m at school,
on the bus, even out, walking on the beach. I talk to Starling, a
bit, but it’s no good. I know she wants to be with her Mummy. She’s
told me that, in my dreams. Course, I know it’s only make-believe
but it’s all I’ve got. Cause Fairy has not made an appearance, yet.
I’ve tried to conjure her up but she won’t come. I think she might
be angry with me. I don’t understand why. Once upon a time I would
have thought she’d be pleased if I’d tried to get in touch, but not
these days. Everything is different these days. Fairy ignores me. I
still think, hope we belong together. I’m gonna have to prove it to
her.

Course, I’m lonely, at home
now. Lilian’s in her own world. We don’t see each other even when
we’re face to face. Thank God things are a bit better at
school.

They are, you know. It’s like
more people like me. It’s nice, I’ll admit that. They’re not all
dickheads. Still, I wish Lilian would perk up a bit. I’m going
through hell too and do you see me burdening other folks with it?
—Exactly. Okay, so I’m just gonna have to do something about
this.

‘Mum. Mum, wake up.’

She stirs, opens a bleary
eye.

‘Sarah-honey,’ is all that
comes out of her. She closes the eye. But I’m determined to be
strong.

‘Mum. I want you to get up.
I’ve made tea.’

So she gets up. Eventually. She
has a shower and then we sit down and drink our tea. She eats the
porridge I’ve made.

‘Okay. Get your coat,’ I say
when she’s done. ‘We’re going for a walk.’

The forest is beautiful right
now, dressed in white. We’re walking towards the beach, and it’s
beautifully quiet, just the snow crunching underneath our feet.
We’re holding hands.

‘I feel her,’ Lilian says.

We stop. She lets go of my
hand. Oh, dear. I see how she’s going to get.

‘I feel her around me all the
time,’ she goes on. She’s looking at the quiet surrounding us.

‘I feel her too, Mum. It’s a
good thing.’

‘It is,’ she smiles at me. ‘You
were such a good sister to her. A better sister than I ever was a
mother.’

Now she’s crying. I’m not far
off.

‘Starling thought you were the
best Mummy in the world. She loved you lots of elephants.’ I spread
my arms to show her.

Lilian spreads hers.

‘Lots of elephants,’ she smiles
through her tears.

Now I’m bawling. But it’s a
good thing. It feels right here, in the forest, where Starling
belongs.

We hug.

‘I feel she’s close, Mum.’

‘Oh, Sarah-honey, I don’t
know.’

But I do. So we will go on
looking.

54

The walk did us lots of
elephants good. That’s what Lilian said. And she laughed. Honestly,
it was a good idea, getting her out of the house, getting her some
fresh air and exercise. We came home hours later, rosy-cheeked and
energised though we were tired. We even cooked Spag Bol. Made it
the way Starling liked it. And we talked about her. It won’t be
long and we’ll be able to look at her.

55

I’m doing homework on my bed.
It’s seven pm and Lilian’s getting ready to go out.

‘Sarah-honey, I’m going out for
a bit. You’ll be okay, won’t you?’

She sticks her head in, from
the kitchen, looking for approval. Looking like she used to. I want
to scream and shout, course I do but I won’t. I’m keeping it
together, for now.

‘I’ll be okay, Mum.’

‘Bedtime after homework,
okay?’

I nod, manage a smiley grimace.
Lordy Lord, how things have changed. Lilian’s making sure I get a
good night’s sleep. For school tomorrow.
If you could just see
Mummy now, Starling.

‘Have fun.’

So she goes. It’s the third
time this week she’s felt the need to go out for a bit. She came
home drunk last night. Well, duh. It was Ladies Night at the local.
So she was drinking, course she was, but she should know better.
People are gonna talk.
One kid drowned, the other a weirdo,
house burnt down and now the husband’s left her; no wonder she’s a
mess.
That’s what everyone will be saying, at first. And how
long is that gonna last? —Exactly.

She’ll only need to catch
somebody’s eye and public opinion will turn. Course it will. People
can only tolerate tragedy if they like you. But if you look like
Lilian, people generally don’t like you that much. Cause she’s
beautiful. Despite all that tragedy, Lilian is still a beautiful
princess. In need of a rescue now that her Prince Charming has
vanished into thin air.
Which, by the way, seems to run in that
family, vanishing does,
is what some stupid, witless creatures
will whisper to each other while they judge her, looking at her
with their eyebrows raised: What is she doing out drinking?
Dancing? Is she serious?

Yes, foolishly, our beautiful
princess is out drinking tonight. She’s gone out with the intention
of having a nice time forgetting. This could happen only if she
were somewhere else where beautiful princesses are not such a stand
out. But this is a small town. Most home grown girls look home
grown, around here. You know what I’m saying. There’s a whole bunch
of men who would give an arm and a leg to, you know. And now she’s
vulnerable.
One kid drowned, the other a weirdo, lives in a
trailer and now the husband’s left her…
It’s all there ripe for
the picking.

I wake up the next day, alone.
She’s not come home after the third binge this week. Oh, dear. And
she took the phone so I’ve no way of getting hold of her. But it’s
a school day. I’ll drop in at the shop after and see if she’s
there. We’ll go home together. Well, that’s my plan. It doesn’t
work out. Cause just after lunch Amy comes to get me. She’s in her
gym clothes, looks as funny as she usually does. Jelly-fishy, you
know. All her mincemeat’s busting out of her Lycra sausage skin.
But she looks serious. Oh, dear. There’s some bad news in this.

There is. Lilian’s been
arrested. There was a punch up in the bar last night. Something
stupid happened but Amy doesn’t want me to know what. She’s making
up a story about somebody buying Mum a drink. Somebody’s wife
turned up. There was a misunderstanding and somehow Lilian punched
the wife in the nose.

Well, I never. I stand looking
at Amy like she’s the Second Coming. What great news! The thought
of Lilian smashing someone’s dial in makes me want to roar. With
laughter. Glee. Happiness. You name it; it’s such a positive thing,
this punch-up between ladies. Lilian’s finally showing some spunk.
Good for her.

Outwardly, I maintain a façade.
Okay, I get it. It was ugly. It was grim. But, let’s put things in
perspective. At least Lilian’s fine. Amy nods. Yes, that’s a good
thing. Nobody was seriously hurt but the three of them, the
husband, the wife and Lilian, did get arrested. But they’re talking
to everybody, and no charges are going to be laid. This time.
Course, it’d be for the best if Lilian gave Ladies Night a miss for
a while. Yeah, okay. I’ll make sure.

Amy gives me a lift to the
watch-house. Lilian’s scooter is parked by the fence. Amy and I go
inside. Lilian’s waiting at reception, chatting comfortably with
Jim, the auxiliary. They’re drinking coffee, leaning on the window
sill, by the stove. It’s really quite homey.

‘Hi, honey,’ she turns to me,
with a pleasant smile. She’s looking relaxed but has a nasty
scratch on her forehead.

We hug.

‘I’m sorry I got a little silly
last night. But it’s all good now.’

We give each other a look.

‘Did you win, Mum?’

We burst out laughing. Even Amy
cracks it.

Lilian nods, puts a fist close
to my face. ‘I punched the cowgirl good.’

Auxiliary Jim cracks it now.
He’s exploding and his open mouth looks like a funnel, he’s
laughing so hard. Well, the whole thing is funny. Just imagine
Lilian, the size of a poodle, punching a cowgirl, the size of a,
well, obviously. I wish I’d been there to see it. Almost wish
Starling witnessed it too. But she would have cried if she saw her
Mummy fighting so it’s probably best that she missed it. I would
have got a punch in though. I would have killed that cowgirl,
good.

And we get on the scooter and
go home.

Later that day, I take Lilian
for another walk. I want to speak to her about what we’re going to
do. How we’re going to find our little birdy. I’ve thought it all
through and I know where to start; I’ve mentally divided the forest
into manageable chunks, like they did in the early days when we
were looking.

‘We’ll comb through each
section like before. But properly this time, okay?’

She nods.

‘We have nothing but time,’ she
sighs. But she’s on board. There’s no urgency. We just want to find
her.

Lilian’s warmed up to this. She
thinks there’s a good chance we’ll find her. Curled up in a little
nest. Hiding from the world.

I totally agree. I don’t want
to think about her being somewhere else, with someone else. What
would be the point of that? —Exactly. Children who have been taken
like that are never found. It’s an ugly thought so I won’t go
there. I don’t want Lilian to think about that either. She’s better
off keeping occupied roaming the countryside. Eventually, we’ll go
to the beach. Cause that’s where Starling liked to play. Who knows,
maybe we can pretend that she’s still here. Lilian will like that.
When.

56

I think about Dad a lot. I
suspect maybe he got a lead he didn’t trust the cops with. I
wouldn’t blame him for keeping quiet and striking on his own; the
entire investigation has been a cock-up from start to finish. I
just wish he’d tell me what’s going on. He’s relying on me to keep
Mum safe, I know that much. So I’m keeping up my end of the bargain
the best I can. I just hope he is too. I’m hoping that one day
he’ll be back.

Course, Lilian thinks he’s left
us for good. We argue about him, sometimes. I’ve even told her he’s
gone off on a lead but she doesn’t believe me.

‘You’re wrong, Sarah-honey.
Dad’s gone. He’s weak,’ she spits out. ‘You’ve got to accept
it.’

‘You’re wrong, Mum. Dad’s
strong. He knows what he’s doing.’

Course, I’m lying to myself.
Chris might have just thrown in the towel for all I know but you’ve
got to believe in something, right?

‘Sarah-honey, I’m going out for
a bit, okay?’

And so it goes. She’s going out
again, every Tuesday and Friday night. I think she had a date last
week. She spent a lot of time getting ready. Looked great. If Chris
had seen her going out decked out like that, he would have made her
take that dress off. It was very short. And she does have great
legs.

But I’m not Chris. And she
won’t listen to me cause she’s not scared of me. I do not scare her
at all.

So now I’m thinking. Is that
what it’s going to take?

57

I take Lilian to the spot where
Starling and I found the birdies. I show her the tree branch where
we found the nest with the cuckoo in it. But the nest is gone. I
look for it on the ground but it’s not there. It must have got
blown off, away. Or buried in the snow. So now what?

‘Now nothing,’ says Lilian. She
makes a grimace, making it clear that she wasn’t expecting to find
Starling. I can’t but feel disappointed. In her. In her attitude
and our lack of progress. On all fronts. It seems it’s always one
step forward, two steps back with her. She’s just not putting in
the effort and I’m only trying to fire her up, to remind her of
what’s at stake here. I want her to picture our little girl peeking
excitedly into a nest, looking at this bird, up close. It was
exciting. For her. And for me. It seems to be falling short of
expectation for Lilian. She doesn’t seem to be interested at all. I
guess for her it’s a case of ‘you had to be there’.

Lilian’s looking bored. And
impatient. She doesn’t want to be here. It’s cold and she wants to
go home.

‘But we haven’t finished. We’ve
loads to comb through,’ I’m telling her but she doesn’t care.

‘Sarah-honey…’

‘You don’t want to do this
today?’

‘I do but…’

Lilian’s clearly unhappy. She’s
looking stressed. I don’t want her to feel that way. She’s been off
her magic pills, somewhat. She’s trying to stay off and that’s a
good thing.

‘It’s okay, Mum. We can have a
rest if you want to.’

She does want to rest. She
needs a rest cause she’s going out tonight. And she just doesn’t
have the energy to walk about in this weather. The snow’s too deep
and we’re not going to make much headway today, she feels.

Okay. So we go home.

58

It’s only five days till
Christmas. We’re having Christmas Carols this evening at school.
Lilian’s coming. So I’m going to sing, along with the other kids.
Even though I’m the worst singer and I hate it. I hate the sound of
my voice. I sound like a little girl.

‘
I’m a little snowman, short
and stout. My nose is a carrot, my coat is white… Emily-darling,
are you following Mummy?’

It’s Fairy! She’s come
back!

‘
Emily-darling, you sing
with Mummy. Come on now.’

I’m keeping my eyes shut. I
really want to hear Emily sing. But Emily is stubborn. She won’t
say a word.