Sleep Talkin' Man (17 page)

Thus, when I settle into bed each night, I know that at some point I may be awakened by Adam’s subconscious playing out whatever bizarre catharsis will help to keep his day free and easy. And, more importantly, I know that in the morning, Adam will be lying next to me, ready to share a moment’s laughter, and be the best husband I could ever hope for.

Glossary

Bog –
n
Toilet, vulgarly. Used as verb in “bog off,” the order to go away. Similar to “fuck off,” but lighter on the profanity.

Bollocks –
n
Slang for testicles. And, similarly to “balls” in the States, may be used as an exclamation in a moment of pain or frustration. For example, “BOLLOCKS!! I slammed my hand in the car door. OWWWWwwwww.”

Bugger –
v
Slang for the act of one performing anal intercourse on another. Can also be used as an exclamation of frustration, “BUGGER! I accidentally deleted that file!” or be used in the phrase “bugger off” to mean “go away.”

CV –
n
Abbreviation for curriculum vitae, a synonym for r
é
sum
é
. In the States, this term is gnerally used only in academic circles. In the United Kingdom, it is used almost exclusively.

Fairy lights –
n
a long string of tiny bulbs used for decoration. In the States we generally referred to them as Christmas lights.

Fiddling –
v
Slang, for committing a pedophilic act. Generally used in the phrase “kiddie fiddling.”

Five-a-day –
n
Daily ration of vegetables recommended by the British government.

The fucking bollocks –
adj
Used to describe something that is fantastic. As in, “This cheesecake is the fucking bollocks!” One can also use “the dog’s bollocks” in the same way, although I’m not sure what is so great about a dog’s testicles.

Knickers –
n
Ladies underwear. Used when Americans might say “panties.”

Knob-end –
n
Literally, the head of a penis. Used to describe someone who, in the States, might be called a “dickhead.”

Jumper –
n
The item of clothing that in the United States would be referred to as a “sweater.”

Pants –
n
Underwear. This is ALWAYS the meaning of “pants” in the United Kingdom. If you mean to refer to the article of clothing that people wear to cover their legs, be sure to say “trousers.” This word has been the most difficult for me to adjust to since I immigrated. More than once, I have called across a crowded shop, “Adam, check if they have any good pants for you!”

Pissed –
adj
Drunk. If you mean to describe someone who is angry, “pissed off” still works as it does in the States.

Spot –
n
Slang for pimple. The equivalent of “zit” in the States.

Swede –
n
The British term for the yellow turnip that we in the States refer to as a rutabaga.

Tosser –
n
See wanker. “Tossbag” can be used the same way.

Wanker –
n
Someone who acts like an idiot or asshole. While “to wank” means “to masturbate,” “wanker” is rarely used for anything besides a term of general disrespect.

“Where are all the sleep sheep?

Everyone’s got a sleep sheep.

My sleep sheep’s not here.

Oh, how am I meant to sleep without my sleep sheep? Sleep sheeeeeep …

Wait, you’ve got two, you bastard!

I’m taking that one. He’s so soft.

Ah, sleep sheep. Don’t leave me again.

Baaaaaaahhhh.”

About the Author

KAREN SLAVICK-LENNARD
is Adam Lennard’s longsuffering and exceptionally good-humoured wife. Each night before she goes to bed, she turns on a voiceactivated recorder to ensure that she captures all of the nocturnal musings of Sleep Talkin’ Man. In the morning, she transcribes and uploads the results to her blog sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com, and her Twitter feed, @SleepTalkinMan, where millions have flocked to laugh themselves silly. She lives with Adam and their dog, Molly, in London, England.

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Copyright

Sleep Talkin’ Man
Copyright © 2013 by Karen Slavick-Lennard
Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Tom Daly
“A Word from our Friendly Neighborhood Sleep Specialist”
copyright © 2013 by Hugh Selsick

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

EPub Edition © DECEMBER 2012 ISBN: 978-1-443-41216-2

Published by Collins, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd

FIRST CANADIAN EDITION

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