Skinny Bitch (2 page)

For starters, soda’s high levels of phosphorous can increase calcium loss from the body, as can its sodium and caffeine. [Cousens,
Conscious Eating
, 475] You know what this means—bone loss, which may lead to osteoporosis. And the last time we checked, sugar, found in soda by the boatload, does not make you skinny! Now don’t go patting yourself on the back if you drink diet soda. That stuff is even worse. Aspartame (an ingredient commonly found in diet sodas and other sugar-free foods) has been blamed for a slew of scary maladies, like arthritis, birth defects, fibromyalgia, Alzheimer’s, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and diabetes.2 When methyl alcohol, a component of aspartame, enters your body, it turns into formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is toxic and carcinogenic (cancer-causing).3 Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don’t fucking
drink
it. Perhaps you have a lumpy ass because you are preserving your fat cells with diet soda. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has received more complaints about aspartame than any other ingredient to date.4 Want more bad news? When aspartame is paired with carbs, it causes your brain to slow down its production of serotonin.5 A healthy level of serotonin is needed to be happy and well balanced. So drinking soda can make you fat, sick, and unhappy.

Unless you’re from Mars, you’ve heard about the “eight glasses of water a day” thing. If you’re filling up on 16 ounces of liquid Satan at a time, chances are you’re not getting your 64 ounces of water a day. Water is vital for keeping your body clean and detoxified. It literally flushes out all the shit and toxins your body stores from your horrendous diet. You might be fat because you don’t poop enough. Drinking lots of water can help with the elimination process. If the taste of water bores you, try jazzing up the flavor with a slice of lemon or lime, or, if you’re feeling sassy, toss in a strawber-ry or raspberry. Say goodbye to soda and hello to a sweet ass.

“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning coffee.” Uhm . . .
pathetic
! Coffee is for pussies. Think about how widely accepted it has become that people
need
coffee to wake up. You should not
need
anything to wake up. If you can’t wake up without it, it’s because you are either addicted to caffeine, sleep deprived, or a generally unhealthy slob. It may seem like the end of the world to give up your daily dose, especially if you rely on Starbucks as a good place to meet men. But it’s not heroin, girls, and you’ll learn to live without it. Caffeine can cause headaches, digestive problems, irrita-tion of the stomach and bladder, peptic ulcers, diarrhea, constipation, fatigue, anxiety, and depression. It affects every organ system, from the nervous system to the skin. Caffeine raises stress hormone levels, inhibits important enzyme systems that are responsible for cleaning the body, and sensitizes nerve reception sites.6

One study even links caffeine to an increased susceptibility to diabetes.7 But don’t go grabbing for the decaf. Coffee, whether regular or decaf, is highly acidic.8 Acidic foods cause your body to produce fat cells, in order to keep the acid away from your organs.9 (Please, do not link this acid issue to citrus and other fruits. We discuss this in depth later on page 38.) So coffee equals fat cells. P.S. It also makes your breath smell like ass. Furthermore, coffee beans, like other crops, are grown with chemical pesticides. One insecticide, D-D-7, has been banned in the United States, but is still used by other countries from which we import coffee beans.10 So every single morning, you are starting your day with a dose of poison. Add sugar or other artificial sweeteners, top it off with milk or cream, and you’ll be fat forever. If you enjoy an occasional cup of coffee, fine. But if you need it, give it up.

A much better way to start the day is with a cup of caffeine-free herbal tea—organic, of course. Decaffeinated green tea is like a wonder drug. Its anti-aging and antibacterial qualities are as renowned as its reputation for fighting cancer, combating allergies, and lowering blood pressure. Go to a coffeehouse, if you must. Just get a decaf organic herbal tea instead of coffee. Miss your caffeine jolt? Get a fresh-squeezed organic juice for an instant jumpstart.

Once you are rid of your caffeine addiction, you will get totally high from fresh-squeezed juice.

Junk food will never go away. It becomes more alluring by the minute with laboratory-developed aromas, artificial flavors, chemical food colors, toxic preservatives, and heart-stopping hydrogenated oils. We know these are all impossible to resist, but no one ever got skinny on junk food. Use your head. Candy bars, potato chips, and ice cream taste like heaven, of course. But they will pitch a tent on your hips and camp out all year. Not only are they bogged down with saturated fats, sugars, hydrogenated oils, calories, and cholesterol, but they also contain enough chemical residues to put hair on your chest. Ever heard of butylated hydroxyamisole (BHA) or butylated hydroxytoluene (BHT)? Most people haven’t, even though these chemical preservatives are either put in food or into the packaging.11 The FDA doesn’t require companies to divulge the presence of these beauties if they are used in packaging, though they can come into contact with the food you’re eating. So your junk food has a shelf life of twenty-two years and will probably outlive your fat, sorry ass. Now before you decide you’re so smart because you only buy fat-free snacks, get a hold of yourself. Whenever you see the words “fat-free” or “low-fat,” think of the words “chemical shit storm.” Read the ingredients. Do you really think sugar or hydrogenated oils or eggs or milk won’t make you fat? Sober up, asshole. By the way, sugar, like coffee, creates an acidic environment in your body.12 You just learned that acidic foods cause your body to produce fat cells. So you do the math: sugar = fat. If you’d drag your cankles to a health food store, you’d find aisle after aisle of “acceptable junk food.” Guilt-free garbage that tastes so good, you’ll do naked cartwheels around your living room. We are not saying you have to give up junk food to get skinny. You just have to trade your old junk food for new junk food. In Chapter 11, we provide an “acceptable junk food” list that’ll make your nipples hard.

Are you a pill popper? Do you reach for over-the-counter medicine for every sniffle, sneeze, ache, and pain? Toughen up. Our bodies, when properly cared for, function as perfect machines. Our brains tell us when something is wrong by giving us pain or discomfort. When we pop pills to rid this “dis-ease,” we are masking the symptoms without resolving the problem. Every time you take medicine, you interfere with your body’s natural ability to heal itself. You are alleviating those intelligent responses that alert you to a problem, and sending false signals to your brain. If you have a headache, you might be tired, dehydrated, or suffering from a minor food allergy. Most likely, your body is having an adverse reaction to the unhealthy crap you’re eating. Taking two aspirin is not the answer. If your nose is running, your body is trying to rid itself of something through your snot. But you, drama queen, take cold medicine to stop your booger flow. Now you’ve gone and fucked up everything. Medicine is made of chemicals. Never mind that the Food and Drug Administration gives meds their stamp of approval. They also allow the use of aspartame. Use your own damn brain. Do you think putting
chemicals
in your body is good for you? Every medicine comes complete with a list of side effects.

That means that taking medicine will make you feel better for the moment, but will fuck up something else in your body. Yeah, getting cramps totally sucks. It’s supposed to. Every month you endure cramps (without medication), you are preparing for the physical pain of childbirth. So suck it up. Stop interfering with Mother Nature.

(Obviously, if you are on prescribed medication, you need to consult a physician before discontinuing it.) 

Give up the notion that you can be sedentary and still lose weight. You need to exercise, you lazy shit. Eating properly will dramatically improve your health, body, and all aspects of your life.

But you’ve still gotta move your ass. Anyone with a brain can do the math: When done in conjunction with a good diet, exercise will make you lose weight faster than healthy eating alone. You don’t need to spend seven days a week at the gym. In fact, you shouldn’t, because too much exercise is bad for you. It can lead to dehydra-tion, arthritis, osteoporosis, and injuries like strains, sprains, and fractures. Over-exercising can also cause low body-fat levels, which can disrupt the menstrual cycle and cause reproductive problems.13

You want to be a Skinny Bitch, not a scrawny bitch. Twenty minutes of cardiovascular a day, five days a week, is a good starting point.

Then, after a couple of weeks, kick it up a notch. Depending on your fitness goals, you can increase your cardiovascular workout or add strength training to your routine. Aim for working out in the morning, if you can. When we exercise, our elevated heart rates and deep breathing cause our “bodyminds” to enter a fat-burning mode that can last throughout the day.14 Regardless of what time you work out, you’ll soon become addicted to exercising. When we are active enough to break a sweat, our brains release endorphins and feel-good opiates. Exercise burns fat and calories, improves circula-tion, regulates crapping, defines muscles, builds strength, and detoxifies the body through sweating. Plus, working out tends to keep our junk food cravings and elephant appetites at bay. It’s a win-win. Work out.

Chapter 2

Carbs: The Truth

Never before has the United States seen such a ridiculous diet trend as the “low-carb” phenomenon. Every restaurant, grocery store, and fast-food chain caters to this utter nonsense. Even soda and beer companies have spent millions developing and marketing low-carb drinks. Everyone has jumped on the bandwagon, hoping to capitalize on the trend, whether it is healthy or not. Not.

Carbohydrates are compounds made up of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen, and they are
vital
for providing energy for our bodies and brains. Without them, we would be comatose zombies. When we eat food, our bodies turn the carbohydrates into glucose for immediate energy and the rest is stored as glycogen for reserves.

Yet all carbs are not created equal. There are two types: simple and complex. Simple carbohydrates suck and are as nutritionally beneficial as toilet paper. They are mostly made up of sugar, which releases too quickly, almost violently, into our bodies, causing

“sugar highs” and then “crashes.” This tends to leave us feeling hungry, so we eat more. On the other hand, complex carbohydrates are comprised of starch and fiber and release gradually, providing a steady source of energy. They make us feel full and satisfied and are easily broken down to release their energy. Shitty simple carbohydrates include white flour, white pasta (durum semolina), white rice, and white sugar. These are the bad boys that give all carbs a bad reputation. For some asinine reason, food manufacturers decided that we wouldn’t buy their products unless they were white and soft. So they took natural grains, like brown rice and whole wheat, and stripped away all their nutrients, vitamins, and minerals to achieve the color and texture change. This refining process totally compromises the nutritional integrity of the food—all for appearances. So companies then add these nutrients back into their refined, milled foods and use terms like “enriched” or “fortified.”

But there’s no use trying to fool with Mother Nature. Our bodies cannot absorb these added-in minerals with the same ease.15

Tragically, most cereals, pastas, rice, bagels, breads, cookies, muffins, cakes, and pastries have been bastardized in this manner.

Pay attention to how your body feels when you eat these foods.

Chances are you’ll notice moderate to severe mood swings and energy surges and losses.

Fear not. There are so many complex carbohydrates (Mother Nature is generous) that you’ll never miss the simple shit. Bask in the glory of potatoes, yams, sweet potatoes, barley, corn, brown rice, beans, hummus, lentils, quinoa (a grain, pronounced KEEN-wa), millet, and pasta made from brown rice, whole wheat, or vegetables. Bionaturae, Ancient Harvest, Eddie’s Spaghetti, Lundberg Farms, Westbrae, Pastariso, and DeBoles Organic all carry these “good carb” pastas. Relish the beauty of breads and cookies and muffins made from whole wheat and other whole grains. (Whole grains are any that haven’t been bleached, stripped, or refined and still possess all the nutrients from the original grain.) Food For Life has an amazing line of whole and sprouted grain breads, and Pacific Bakery and French Meadow Bakery carry organic breads that aren’t too shabby, either. Don’t forget the bounty of vegetables and fruits—complex carbs that supply the body with vitamins, minerals, and fiber.

Yeah, you heard us—fruit. Eat it. The most irritating thing about the low-carb craze is the resistance to eating fruit. Fruit is, quite possibly, the most perfect food in existence. It is unique in that it barely requires any work to be digested. High in enzymes, it effortlessly passes through the body, supplying carbohydrates, fiber, vitamins, minerals, fatty acids, amino acids, and cancer-fighting tannins and flavonoids. Because it is made up of mostly water, fruit hydrates the body and aids in cleansing, detoxifying, and eliminating.