Authors: Edmund White
My father thought this was a terrific joke and with his thin-lipped smile nodded slowly and muttered, “She’s serious, and she’s a hundred percent right.”
Although I worried about my panties, I half hoped that a brown-skinned, mustachioed guard in a sweat-soaked uniform would look into them, and at my frail, naked body: even though I was convinced that I’d never been uglier. I had a brush cut Kay had forced on me (“You’ll be hot if you don’t get all that old hair out of your face”), and my white scalp showed through it. I wore glasses with enormous black frames and looked like an unappealing quiz kid, without the budding intellectual’s redeeming brashness. I was ashamed of my recently acquired height, cracking voice, and first pubic hairs, and I posed in front of the foggy bathroom mirror with a towel turban around my head and my penis pushed back and concealed between my legs. In public, I’d fold into myself like a Swiss Army knife, hoping to occupy as little space as possible.
But at the border the guards merely waved us through after querying my father about the ten cartons of Cuban cigars in the trunk (Dad had to grease a few palms to convince them the cigars were for his own use, not for resale). We drove down the two-lane Pan-American Highway from the Rio Grande through an endless flat cactus desert into the mountains. Kay encouraged me to wave at the tiny, barefoot Indians
walking along the highway in their bright costumes, their raven-black hair hanging straight down to their shoulders. Sometimes they’d shake their fists at our retreating fins, but I seemed to be the only one who noticed.
From the highway, we seldom saw villages or even houses, although from time to time we noticed a red flag that had been tossed into the top of a mesquite tree. Daddy said the flag signified that a cow had just been slaughtered. “Since they don’t have refrigeration,” he informed us through a cloud of cigar smoke, his tiny yellow teeth revealed in a rare smile, “they must sell all the edible parts of the animal and cook them within a few hours.” I don’t know how he knew that, although he had grown up in Texas, worked summers as a cowboy, and must have known many Mexicans. I was struck by his equanimity in contemplating such shameful poverty, which would have disgusted him had we still been in the States; in Mexico, he smiled benignly at it, as though it were an integral part of a harmonious whole.
My father had a passion for travelling long hours and making record time. He also had ironclad kidneys. Kay had to stop to pee every hour. Perhaps her blood-pressure medicine was a diuretic. “Anyway,” she whined, “I don’t understand why we have to rush like this. What’s the hurry? For Pete’s sake, E.
V.
, we’re in a foreign country and we should take a gander at it.
No es problema?”
Before her marriage, when she was still just my father’s secretary and “mistress” (my mother’s lurid, old-fashioned word), Kay would have said, “For Christ’s sake.” If she now replaced “Christ” with “Pete,” she did so as part of her social beatification. She might actually have said “take a gander” when she was a farm girl in northern Ohio, but now it was placed between gently inverted commas to suggest that she was citing, with mild merriment but without contempt, an endearingly rural but outdated Americanism. Like many English-speaking
North Americans, she thought foreign languages were funny, as though no one would ordinarily speak one except as a joke.
“No es problema?”
was her comic contribution to the mishap of being in Mexico, the verbal equivalent of a jumping bean.
Halfway to Mexico City we stopped at a beautiful old colonial-style hotel that had what it advertised as the world’s largest porch, wrapped around it on all four sides. Meek Indian women were eternally on all fours scrubbing tiles the garnet color of fresh scabs still seeping blood. That night, Kay and Dad and I walked past banana trees spotlit orange and yellow and a glowing swimming pool that smelled of sulfur.
“Pee-you,”
Kay said, holding her little nose with her swollen, red-nailed fingers.
“It’s a sulfur spa, Kay,” Dad explained. “The Mexicans think it has curative powers.”
We entered a roomy, high-ceilinged cave in which a band was playing sophisticated rumbas. The headwaiter, broad and tall as a wardrobe, wore a double-breasted jacket.
“Uno
whiskey,” Dad said once we were seated, showing off for our benefit.
“Y
two Coca-Cola
por favorita.”
“Sí, señor!”
the headwaiter shouted before he reclaimed his dignity by palming the order off with lofty disdain on a passing Indian busboy in a collarless blue jacket.
All the other guests at the hotel appeared to be rich Mexicans. No one around us was speaking English. The most attractive people I’d ever seen were dancing an intricate samba, chatting and smiling to each other casually while their slender hips swivelled into and out of provocative postures, and their small, expensively shod feet shuffled back and forth in a well-rehearsed, syncopated trot.
Daddy was decked out in a pleated jacket with side tabs that
opened up to accommodate extra girth; I think it was called a Havana shirt. Suddenly both he and Kay looked impossibly sexless in their pale, perspiring bodies. In my blood the marimbas had lit a crackling fire, a fiery longing for the Mexican couple before me, their bodies expert and sensual, their manner light and sophisticated—a vision of a civilized sexuality I’d never glimpsed before. Outside, however, the heavy sulfur smell somehow suggested an animal in rut, just as the miles of unlit rural night around the cave made me jumpy. There was nowhere to go, and the air was pungent with smoke from hearths and filled with the cry of cocks; in the distance were only the shadowy forms of the mountains.
In Mexico City, we stayed in a nineteen-thirties hotel on the Reforma. There were then only two million people in “México,” as the citizens called their beautiful city, with a proud use of synecdoche. People swarmed over our car at each stoplight, proferring lottery tickets, but we kept our windows closed and sailed down the spacious boulevards. We saw the Ciudad Universitaria under construction outside town, with its bold mural by Diego Rivera—a lien on a bright future, a harbinger of progress. We visited the Museum of Modern Art and ate in a French restaurant, Normandie, a few blocks away. We ascended the hill to the fortress castle of Chapultepec, where the Austrian rulers, the lean Maximilian, the pale Carlota, had lived. We were poled in barques through floating gardens and climbed the Aztecs’ step pyramids.
We were accompanied everywhere by one of Daddy’s business associates and his wife. After I corrected this man (“Not the eighteenth century,” I snapped, “that was in the
sixteenth”).
Daddy drew me aside and said, “Never contradict another person like that, especially someone older. Just say ‘I may be wrong but I thought I read somewhere …’ or ‘What
do I know, but it seems …’ Got it? Best to let it just go by, but if you must correct him do it that way. And by the way, don’t say you
love
things. Women say that. Rather, say you
like
things.”
I had always been proud of noticing the fatuous remarks made by adults. Now I was appalled to learn that my father had been vexed by things I said. I was half flattered by his attention (he was looking at me, after all) but also half irritated at how he wanted me to conform to his idea of a man.
We went to Cuernavaca and saw the flower-heavy walls of its mansions, then to Taxco, where Kay bought a very thin silver bracelet worked into interlocking flowers. The heat made her heavy perfume, Shalimar, smell all the stronger; its muskiness competed with my father’s cigar smoke. Only I had no smell at all. Daddy warned us to look for tarantulas in our shoes before we put them on.
We arrived at Acapulco, still a chic beach resort, not the paved-over fast-food hellhole it would become, and stayed at the Club de Pesca. I had a room to myself on a floor above my father and Kay’s. The manager had delivered baskets of soft and slightly overripe fruit to our rooms; after a day, the pineapple smelled pungent.
One night we went to a restaurant in a hotel on top of a cliff and watched teen-age boys in swimsuits shed their silk capes and kneel before a spotlit statue of the Virgin, then plunge a hundred and fifty feet down into the waves flowing into and out of a chasm. Their timing had to be exact or they’d be dashed on the rocks. They had superb, muscled bodies, tan skin, glinting religious medals, and long black hair slicked back behind their ears. Afterward, the divers walked among the crowd, passing a hat for coins, their feet huge, their faces pale behind their tans, their haughty smiles at odds with the look of shock in their eyes.
The popular song that year in Mexico was “Piel Canela”
(“Cinnamon Skin”), an ode to a beautiful mulatto girl. In the States, reference to color was considered impolite, although everyone told racist jokes in private; here, apparently, a warm brown color was an attribute of beauty. In the afternoons on the beach, young water-ski instructors stretched their long brown arms and legs, adjusting themselves inside their swimsuits, offering to give lessons to pale tourists, both male and female. We gringos had a lot to learn from them.
A singer and movie star from Argentina, Libertad Lamarque, was staying in our hotel. When we rode up in the elevator with her, she was wearing a tailored white linen suit and had a clipped, snowy-white Chihuahua on a leash. It turned out that her room was next to mine. I became friendly with her daughter—I don’t remember how we met. Although Libertad was in exile from Perón’s Argentina, her daughter still lived most of the time in Buenos Aires, where she sang American ballads in a night club. One night she volunteered to sing “You Go to My Head” at the Club de Pesca—yes, that must be how I met her. I went up to congratulate her and was surprised to discover she scarcely spoke English, though she sang it without an accent.
Libertad’s daughter must have found me amusing, or perhaps docile, or a convenient alibi for her midday mid-ocean pastimes. She invited me to go out on her speedboat late the next morning; after dropping anchor, she and the handsome Indian driver kissed and embraced for an hour. I didn’t know what to do with my eyes, so I watched. The sun was hot but the breeze constant. That night I was so burned Kay had to wrap me in sheets drenched in cold water.
I moaned and turned for two days and nights in wet sheets. A local doctor came and went. My fever soared. In my confused, feverish thoughts I imagined that I’d been burned by
the vision of that man and woman clawing at each other on the varnished doors that folded down over the speedboat’s powerful motor.
The man who had accompanied Libertad’s daughter on the piano was a jowly Indian in his late thirties. Perhaps he smiled at me knowingly or held my hand a second too long when we were introduced, but I honestly can’t remember his giving me the slightest sign of being interested in me. And yet I became determined to seduce him. My skin was peeling in strips, like long white gauze, revealing patches of a cooked-shrimp pink underneath. My mirror told me the effect wasn’t displeasing; in fact the burn brought out my freckles and gave me a certain raffishness. Perhaps soon I, too, would have cinnamon skin. Until now, I’d resembled a newly shorn sheep.
One night at ten, my well-sauced father, atypically genial, sent me off to bed with a pat on the shoulder. But, instead of undressing and going to sleep, I prepared myself for a midnight sortie. I showered in the tepid water that smelled of chlorine and pressed my wet brush-cut hair flat against my skull. From my chest I coaxed off another strip of dead skin; I felt I was unwinding a mummy. I soaked myself in a cheap aftershave made by Mennen and redolent of the barbershop (witch hazel and limes). I sprinkled the toilet water onto the sheets. I put on a fresh pair of white Jockey underpants and posed in front of the mirror. I rolled the waistband down until it revealed just a tuft of newly sprouting pubic hair. I danced my version of the samba toward the mirror and back again. I wriggled out of my undershorts, turned, and examined my buttocks. I kissed my shoulder, then stood on tiptoe and looked at my chest, belly button, penis.
At last, my watch told me it was midnight. I dressed in shorts and a pale-green shirt and new sandals and headed down toward the bar. My legs looked as long and silky as those of Dad’s pinups. I stood beside the piano and stared holes through
the musician; I hoped he could smell my aftershave. He didn’t glance up at me once, but I felt he was aware of my presence.
He took his break between sets and asked me if I wanted to walk to the end of the dock. When we got there we sat on a high-backed bench, which hid us from view. We looked out across the harbor at the few lights on the farther shore, one of them moving. A one-eyed car or a motor scooter climbed the road and vanished over the crest of a hill. A soft warm breeze blew in over the Pacific.
Some people lived their whole lives beside the restless, changeable motions of the ocean, rocked by warm breezes night and day, their only clothing the merest concession to decency, their bodies constantly licked by water and wind. I who had known the cold Chicago winters, whose nose turned red and hands blue in the arctic temperatures, whose scrotum shrank and feet went numb, who could scarcely guess the gender, much less discern the degree of beauty, under those moving gray haystacks of bonnets, mittens, overcoats, and scarves—here, in Mexico, I felt my body, browned and peeled into purity, expand and relax.
The pianist and I held hands. He said, “I could come up to your room after I get off at four in the morning.”
“I’m in Room 612,” I said.
I looked over my shoulder and saw my very drunk father weaving his way toward me. When he was halfway out the dock, I stood up and hailed him.
“Hi, Daddy,” I said. “I just couldn’t sleep. I decided to come down and relax. Do you know Pablo, the pianist from the bar?” I made up the name out of thin air.
“Hello, Pablo.” They shook hands. “Now you better get to bed, young man.”
“O.K. Good night, Daddy. Good night, Pablo.”
Back in my room, I looked at the luminescent dial on my watch as it crept toward two, then three. I had no idea what
sex would be like; in truth, I had never thought about it. I just imagined our first embrace would be as though we were in a small wooden boat floating down a river by moonlight. Pablo and I would live here by the sea; I’d learn to make tortillas.