Quietly Shawn sat. “When the fuck did you get a conscience, Kael?” The spiteful little man Kael now knew Shawn to be came out. “Does your mum know? Does she know you and me were shagging when she was out working? She’ll hate you when she finds that out.”
Kael watched him, giving nothing away, making sure not a muscle moved in his face, just as he had been taught. He consciously controlled his heart and pulse rate. It had always been his fear, even when he was fourteen and madly in love with Shawn, that his mum would find out and hate him.
“This place stinks. I need some fresh air.” He stood.
The smug expression on Shawn’s face changed to one of pleading when he realized he had made no impact. “Please, mate. Get me out of here, please. I’ll plead guilty when I go to court and do my time. But get me out of here now. I’ve already been beaten up.”
“You’re staying in jail. You’re going to plead guilty when you go to trial, and you’ll keep your hands off kids. If you don’t, I’ll talk to the police, and if that doesn’t work, I’ll come and get you myself.” With that he walked out.
The traffic wasn’t bad since it was Sunday, and Kael was back at the Albert Dock in thirty-five minutes. All the way home, he agonized about telling his mum what he and Shawn had done, but as he stood outside the flat and pulled out the key he always kept, he knew he wouldn’t tell her. He’d make up some excuse about why he hadn’t made the bail application, but he would not break her heart and have her despise him.
In the hall, he hung his leather jacket in the cupboard and arranged a neutral look on his face.
They wouldn’t accept a bail application because of the charges. He has to stay on remand until he goes to trial. There was nothing I could do.
The moment he entered the living room, he knew something was wrong. Angel rose to his feet from his seat on the couch. His mum had obviously been crying.
“Daddy, I’m sorry. I thought she knew.”
“Knew what?” He looked back and forth between them. “Knew what?” The expression on Angel’s face changed quickly from fear to tears. Chin quivering, Angel blinked rapidly. “What did you tell her?” His voice came out strangely quiet, but when he repeated the words, it filled the room, making Angel jump. “What did you tell her!”
His mum answered instead. “You should have told me about Shawn, Kael. You should have told me what he did to you.”
An overwhelming sense of shame and anger—and other emotions he couldn’t identify—made his face grow hot. Adrenaline surged through his muscles. Before he could think about his actions, he crossed the room and slapped Angel so hard across the face that the boy staggered. Raging and out of control, he slapped him again. “You little shit!”
“Kael!” Sharon screamed. “Don’t you dare hit him! Don’t you dare!”
Her screaming and the horror in her face pulled him up short. And then Angel’s plaintive, frightened voice. “Daddy, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought she knew.” The boy pressed his hand to his pink cheek.
When he felt a punch in his shoulder, Kael was shocked to see his mum standing in front of him. “Don’t you hit him. That makes you no better than the useless pricks I went out with all those years.”
Unable to look at her, he hung his head. She was right. Feeling faint for the first time in his life, Kael stumbled to the couch and sat. What had he done—to both of them?
“I know what you do, you know,” his mum went on. “I’ve looked in that spare bedroom at your place. I’m not stupid. I know all about the whips and chains and why he calls you Daddy. I’ve got a computer. I can use Google. But that was different. You hit him because you lost your temper, and that makes you no better than Gary Burke and all the other dicks I wasted my time on. That was just mean. Now you tell him you’re sorry, Kael.”
“I’m sorry, Angel,” he said at once, as much to appease his mother’s anger as to admit she was right. “Sorry.”
Dropping to his knees in front of him, Angel said, “It’s okay, Daddy.”
“It’s not okay, Angel,” Sharon said. “It is never okay for a man to hit you like that. The other stuff I don’t understand, but I’ve read enough to know it’s supposed to be”—she struggled for the right word—“consensual. But that smack was spousal abuse. Wasn’t it, Kael?”
Unable for a moment to speak, he nodded, grateful that she was there to make him see what he had done. “I’ve never done anything like that before. I won’t do it again.”
Still on his knees, Angel took Kael’s hands. “I’m so sorry, Daddy.”
Breathing as hard as if he had run a mile, Kael gathered Angel into his arms and pulled him onto his lap, holding him close to his chest. That was all it took for Angel to break down. Full-blown sobs racked his body while Kael hugged him.
For a few moments, Sharon stood close by, watching before sitting beside them. She rubbed Angel’s back. “He did. He thought I knew. He’s been sitting here scared stiff waiting for you to come home. That’s not good, son. He shouldn’t be scared of you.”
“I’m so sorry, Mum. I’m so sorry about Shawn and what I did with him. You were out working, supporting both of us, and I was having the time of my life with him. Going behind your back.”
“I’ll kill Shawn. I’ll kill that bugger. He did it, didn’t he? That boy was telling the truth.”
“Yes. He admitted it. And he still thought I was going to make the bail application for him.”
“You didn’t, though?”
“No. I told him to plead guilty or I’d go and tell the police what he did with me. But I won’t. I can’t because of my job.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Kael?”
He tried to look at her, but he couldn’t. “Sorry, Mum.”
“Don’t you say sorry about this. You were a kid. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I was bigger than Shawn even then. I could have said no. I didn’t want to. I thought I was in love with him. I knew I was gay when I was twelve, and I wanted a man. It was as simple as that. I only thought about myself and what I wanted.”
“That’s what kids do,” she said. “They want what they want. You were no different than any other lad. You were just cleverer and better looking than the scallies where we lived. But what Shawn did was wrong. It wasn’t your fault.”
Her understanding and generosity of spirit made him ashamed.
Angel’s sobs had subsided to little shudders. His boy’s face was bright red across the right side from the slap. He was probably going to end up with a bruise. The thought of sending him back to school on Monday with a bruised face was more than he could bear.
“I just wish you’d told me before it came to this,” Sharon said. “That’s why you were upset when you saw him at Christmas, wasn’t it? If he messes with kids, he was only coming round here to see what he could get, not for me. Why didn’t you tell me then?”
“I never wanted to tell you. I hoped you’d never find out.”
“Sorry, Daddy,” Angel whispered.
“Sweetheart, stop saying sorry. It’s done now. It’s out in the open.”
“Why didn’t you want me to know?” Sharon asked. “Did you think I’d be angry with you instead of Shawn?”
“I knew you’d be angry with Shawn, but”—his voice dropped to a whisper—“I thought you’d hate me.”
Grabbing his hand and squeezing it more tightly than she ever had, she said, “How could I hate you, Kael? I could never hate you. I’m so proud of you. You’re such a good son and a good man. Look at what you’ve done with your life, teaching languages, interpreting for important people. I was so scared when I had you that you’d end up like all those other lads on the estate, involved in drugs and stealing and murders. It’s hard raising a boy on your own. But when I see what you’ve done with your life, how good and kind you are, I’m so proud.”
If only you knew what I really do. Who I really am.
He looked at Angel to find him smiling, even though his long, dark eyelashes were still wet with tears. “Daddy’s the best thing in my life, Sharon.”
“He’s the best thing in my life as well, luv,” she said.
“I don’t deserve either of you,” he said.
His mum forced a smile. “I’m going to make us something to eat. You must be starving. I don’t know about Angel, though. He ate half a packet of chocolate Digestives before he got all upset realizing he’d said something he shouldn’t.” She nudged him. “Didn’t you, luv.”
Smiling at her, he said, “Yeah, but I can always eat.”
“We have to get home. Angel’s got college in the morning,” Kael said.
“You’re too upset to drive anywhere. You’re sleeping here,” Sharon said.
“No, he can’t miss school.”
“One day won’t kill him.” She stood up.
“I’ll cook, Sharon. You talk with Daddy.” Angel got up. “I’ll go and see what there is. I’m becoming a great cook, aren’t I, Daddy?”
“You certainly are, sweetheart.”
When Angel wandered off to the kitchen, Kael took his mum’s hand. “Mum, I’ve never hit him across the face like that before. I want you to know that. I lost my temper. I know it was wrong.”
“Don’t ever do it again. I don’t care what goes on in that spare bedroom with all that funny equipment. That’s your business, but don’t you ever hit him in a temper again.”
“No, I won’t. I’ve smacked his arse a few times, but I know I shouldn’t have hit him like that.”
“He loves you, and I know you love him. But you’re too hard on him.”
“Am I?” He was shocked that she thought that. “Why do you say that, Mum?”
“He’s such a good lad. He obeys you the minute you tell him anything. He keeps your flat spotless, and I’m a tough judge of spotless, as you know. He’s got lovely manners. He’s always trying to make you smile. But I’ve seen you when I’m in London making him do schoolwork on the holidays. And when we went to Castle Howard that weekend when we all went to York, you spent the whole time making him answer questions about the history of the National Trust houses.”
“Did I?” He didn’t remember doing that.
“Yes, you did. I could see he was getting fed up with it, but he just kept answering you, doing his best. And you’re always watching him when he’s eating and pointing it out if he drops a crumb. I’d be a nervous wreck with you watching me all the time, looking for faults.”
Feeling ashamed at having it all laid out in front of him, he looked at his hands in his lap. “I only want the best for him. I want him to do well in life.”
“I know that, luv, and he will with you to guide him. He told me he’d have ended up on the street if he hadn’t met you. He said his mum met a new man and didn’t want him.”
“Yes, she did.” He had met Angel the very day the boy’s mother had left for France, leaving him behind in the house in Cape Cod. “He’s safe now,” he said, wondering at his mum’s assessment. Was he too hard on his boy?
Drill Sergeant Daddy.
“Well, I’ll have to watch myself with him from now on.” Looking for the right words, he said, “I’m so sorry about doing what I did with Shawn. I thought I was in love with him. He said he loved me. I thought I was the only boy he ever did it with. He said I was, and I believed him.”
“Didn’t you get enough love from me?” she asked.
“Of course I did. You’re a great mum. You always were. But I was interested in sex, seriously interested, since I was twelve. I didn’t think about much else from that age on. I wanted him to love me, but it was the sex as well. That’s why I feel so bad about the whole thing. I was being selfish. He was your boyfriend, and you were out working so hard and I was home doing things with Shawn. I feel like such an idiot for believing him.”
“You’re not an idiot.” She stood up. “I’m going to my bedroom for a few minutes. I need a minute to myself.”
On impulse, and anxious to know after the Romodanovsky incident, Kael asked, “Mum? Who’s my father?”
“Not now,” she said desperately. “Just don’t ask me that.”
“Sorry.” Kael kissed her and watched her go before joining Angel in the kitchen.
“Daddy, I’m making quiche. I knew Sharon would have frozen pie shells in the freezer. I saw her using one for the mince pie at Christmas.”
Kael pulled Angel into his arms and hugged him tight. “Yes, she always used frozen because she was so busy when I was a kid.”
He held his boy at arm’s length. “Angel, are you scared of me?”
Wide-eyed, the boy looked up at him. “Sometimes.”
“I don’t mean to be scary.”
“I know, Daddy. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”
“I don’t want you to be scared of me. I love you. You mean everything to me. When I first took you home, I wanted you to be scared of me because I thought it was the only way to make you obey me, and you were in danger. But I don’t want you to be scared of me now.”
“It must be hard for you, Daddy. You were on your own for so long, and now you have me in your life all the time. I know you feel responsible for me. You used to get really upset when I left things lying around or made a mess or made too much noise, but I don’t do really annoying shit anymore, do I?”
Having to climb over a toilet wall to rescue you from being raped was fairly annoying
. “No, of course not, sweetheart.”
With an apologetic look on his lovely face, Angel said, “It’s not like I’m even a real grown-up yet. I still have to go to school. I don’t earn any money. I must cost you a fortune. I know my school is really expensive. And what about Cambridge? I bet you got a scholarship, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I did.”
“That’s because you’re a genius. I’ll never get a scholarship. It’s going to be so expensive.”
“Don’t worry. I can afford it.”
“Sometimes you must feel like you adopted a kid instead of getting a boyfriend.”
“No, of course I don’t.” At times that was exactly how he felt. “Mum thinks I’m too hard on you. Do you think I am?”
“I always wanted a strict daddy. You’re my master. I want you to be in charge. I want you to make me the best boy I can be. But you could let up a little sometimes,” Angel said.
“You’re already the best boy in the world.”
Sharon entered the kitchen smiling, though her eyes were rimmed with red and her face looked strained. She’d been crying. “Something smells good.” She looked through the glass door of the oven. “I love quiche. How did you know, Angel?”
Smiling as he hugged her, Angel said, “It was a guess.”