“It’s fine, ba--” He caught himself and faltered. “It was good, thank you. Excuse me.”
Taylor
stared after him as he walked out of the room. She’d never felt more helpless or alone. A renewed wave of anguish crashed through her and her hands shook beneath the table as she struggled not to cry.
“Tay, honey, come help me in the kitchen,” Monique offered, standing to gather their plates.
She trailed after the blonde with the rest of the dishes, uncertain of what to do or say. The warm hug that followed took her by surprise. A small smile played on the generous curve of her lips as Monique pulled back and tucked her hair behind her ears in a tender almost mothering gesture.
“I’m so sorry,” the blonde whispered. “Your poor head has to be spinning right now. My brother isn’t an easy man to live with. I know this better than most. I wish I could have warned you somehow, about everything, but it wasn’t my place. Just between
the two of us—do you love him?”
“I do, but last night was awful. I don’t
know who that man was, but it wasn’t Sebastian. I don’t ever want to go through that again.”
Monique’s startling green eyes darkened
with sorrow. “I wish I could promise that you won’t, but the chances are it will happen. My brother is a very intense man. His job and the pressures he’s under certainly don’t help matters any. I’m not excusing his behavior, but I don’t think he means to be this way. I just think the line of distinction between work and home is sometimes hard for him to cross. He has to be in such an awful mindset for so long that sometimes it’s hard for him to let go. That man, that version of him, is not the Sebastian we know.”
“I don’t understand,” Taylor said frowning.
“You will soon enough.” Monique flashed a sad smile. “I’m sorry you got dragged into this, but Josh is right. My brother won’t let you go. He can’t. He’s broken right now thinking that’s what you want. If given a chance, that pain is going to turn into rage again, because that’s what Seb knows. It’s where he’s comfortable. That’s why the rest of us work so hard to keep him out of that mindset. The only advice I can give you is what you’ve heard all along. Just keep him happy. Don’t argue. Don’t fight. Just go with the flow. It’s not easy. Not even with Josh, but that’s the only choice we have. If you do that, I promise, you’ll be fine.”
“Wise advice.”
They both turned at the sound of Josh’s voice from the doorway. He stood with a shoulder reclined against the deep colored wood, his arms folded across his chest. His rugged face bore no expression, but his piercing blue eyes settled on Monique.
“
It’s time for us to go. These two need some space. We’ve done all we can.”
“Yes, Josh. Just let me say goodbye to my brother and I’ll be ready to go.”
“He’s in his study.”
She nodded and made a quick departure.
Uncomfortable with the silence, Taylor hung her head and started rinsing the plates so she could load the dishwasher.
“Where’s Mia?” she asked quietly.
Josh rolled up his sleeves and approached. Her eyes widened briefly when he started taking the plates from her hands and sticking them into the slots.
“She’s with her grandparents, and before you ask, yes their house is under surveillance. It’s just much more covert. Dane’s parents would have a fit if they saw armed guards outside, and they’re giving Monique a hard enough time as it is.” He snorted and shook his head. “That’s a different story there, and you have enough to deal with on your own.”
A lengthy silence flowed between them.
“You know, I wasn’t too fond of you at first.”
Taylor couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled past her lips. “Yeah, I noticed.”
“You’ve grown a lot on me since then, kid.
Try to keep your chin up, okay? Or down, or wherever he needs it to be. Deep down, underneath all that cruelty and rage, Baas has a big heart. It’s gotten him in trouble a time or two, but he needs that part of him. It’s what helps keep him human.”
“Okay. I’m ready,” Monique said. Rounding into the kitchen, she enveloped Taylor in a warm embrace. “I’ll see you soon.”
Josh chortled quietly. “I’d hug you goodbye and all, too, but I’d like to keep my arms.”
Taylor shook her head with a quiet laugh. She followed them to the door and latched it behind them. Her heart hammered as Sebastian seemingly appeared out of nowhere, as he so often did, and leaned against her back to set the alarm. When she turned to face him, his fingers curled softly around her chin.
“Come with me,” he whispered.
His gaze locked with hers for a brief moment. Reddened rims now accompanied the bruise-like smudges stamped beneath his eyes.
Swallowing, he lowered his head and took her hand, leading her back into the central area of the house. A sigh radiated from him as he sat on the couch and pulled her down onto the seat next to him.
“This isn’t easy for me, Taylor,” he said. “But having this talk after what happened last night makes it so much worse. Despite what you may believe, I love you—more than anything
, and I never wanted you to know the things I’m about to tell you. I didn’t want you to see that part of me. I was afraid you would never look at me the same. You were one of the only people who regarded me without loathing or fear, and you are the only person who ever sees this side of me—the man I really am. Or at least the man I want to be.”
He shook his head. His attentio
n remained rooted on the floor.
“As I told you before, I don’t really work for the FBI.
They recruited me, but now that’s just a cover, a smokescreen. I work for a private sector called SKALS.
“Skulls?”
He nodded, still refusing to meet her eyes. “Special Kill and Leverage Squad. It’s a secret branch, one very few government officials even know about. Technically speaking, we don’t exist,” he said with a small shrug. “It’s better, safer, that way. Before you, my career was all I cared about, all I focused on, and I worked my way up through the ranks—fast. But as proud as I am of our accomplishments and the protection we provide, I’m not always proud of what we do.”
“What
do
you do?”
Sebastian’s lips flattened in a dismal press. His dimples deepened and he drew a shuddering breath.
“Exactly what the name implies.” His voice was raspy and strained. “We clean up the messes no one else wants to touch. Sometimes, we provide a situation or a reason for another agency to take someone by storm. We do surveillance and gather intell until we know our target inside and out. Where they go, what they do, who their friends and family are, and then we go after them.”
He raked his hands through his hair, making his curls stand out in wild disarray. “That is what we do, Taylor. We torture people to get the information we want or need, and then we kill them. Sometimes this means targeting their families.” He shook his head. “
Sometimes this triggers a hostile situation that blows over into something other agencies can use. I’m sure you’ve seen some of those incidents unfold on the news. More often than not, it’s a much more intimate affair. Everybody has something they’re afraid of, and everybody has a weakness. We learn and exploit both to the best of our ability. Our job is to make people crack. Physically, mentally, it doesn’t matter. We break them until there is nothing left. One way or another, we always get our way.”
For a
minute, it felt like the world gave way beneath her. All Taylor could hear was the roar of her blood as it pulsed in and out of her ears. Her temples throbbed. The small amount of dinner she’d managed to choke down earlier threatened to resurface.
“So those things your sister-in-law said…they were true.”
“Not in the context she implied, no. I don’t do these things for sport, Taylor. I don’t do them because I enjoy them. I do them because it’s my job. This is what I know. It’s what I do. Sometimes an act of evil serves to protect the greater good.”
“Is that what they tell you?”
“Among other things.”
S
he braced her elbows on her knees. Clamping her fingers around her mouth, she struggled to make sense of what he was saying and understand. The man she’d seen last night fit that bill, as did the one she saw Christmas Eve…but not the one she’d seen every day in between. He could be so generous, so sweet, so charming. Looking over at him now, she saw no hints of the powerful, confident man she’d come to know and love. She sighed. From day one, she’d known he was capable of killing someone. It was just most of the time that was so easy to forget. There was a huge line between guilty and innocent. Or didn’t that matter? Is that what the term guilt by association really meant?
She pushed out a shaky breath. Growing up she’d encountered all kind
s of people, heard all kinds of stories. Some held the government and law officials in the highest regard. Others cried foul every chance they got. She’d seen the news. She knew there were always two sides to those coins—the good and the bad. But this…this was terrifying.
Forcing a swallow, she peered over at Sebastian. All traces of fight had fled him. He sat quietly beside her, his cheeks occasionally twisting as the silence loomed between them.
“What happened after Christmas?” she whispered. “Was that the reprogramming Josh mentioned?”
He nodded. “Yes.
We aren’t allowed to show things like mercy and compassion. They condition us from the beginning to block these things out. No remorse. No guilt, just compliance.” His jaw tightened for a moment. “Natalie knew better than to talk about my job. She knew what the repercussions would be, and she still chose to pull that trigger. I hated her for it. But as much as I hated her, I couldn’t do the things they were asking. That was my family, my blood inside her.”
His head dropped even lower, and his shoulders jerked with a miserable shake. “
All I could think about is what you would think…how I would ever be able to look my nephew in the eye again knowing I had murdered his parents. My own half-brother. I just couldn’t do it.”
Raking a rough hand over his face, he sniffed.
“So, they locked me up and for two weeks, the roles were reversed. They beat me, tortured me for hours on end, and….they killed my family. Only this time, instead of just Natalie and Lucian, they took out Christian as well. That was a reminder of who they are, what they are capable of doing, and what I’m supposed to be. If I can’t be that person…if I don’t give them what they want, they will keep going until there’s nothing left.”
“That car accident wasn’t…”
“It was my punishment, Taylor, and I got their message loud and clear.”
“Jesus, Sebastian.” She
was helpless to stop the hot tears streaming over her cheeks. The anguish rolling off him was crippling.
“I will have to live with that fact for the rest of my life. Knowing that if I’
d just done what they said, my nephew would still be alive. That kind of weakness and pity is a mistake I will never make again…but it’s too late…it’s too late to save him.”
His body shook with a silent sob. Unable to bear anymore, she wrapped her arms around him. Pressing her cheek against his shoulder blade, she held him tight, her hand
s stroking the outside of his arms in an attempt to soothe. Without warning, he broke free and twisted to face her. His hands came up and he tenderly cupped her cheeks. Tears shimmered in his eyes as he tilted his forehead against hers.
“Please don’t hate me,” he begged, his voice breaking. “Please.”
She shuddered as she fought to hold back a sob of her own. Sebastian’s body trembled. His breath came in shaky spurts.
“I don’t hate you, Sebastian. I hate the things you have to do, but I love you.”
“Please don’t leave. Don’t ever leave me. Promise me, Taylor, promise me.”
She reached around his arms to cradle his face. “I promise.”
“I need you. I love you so much. Please don’t do that to me. I couldn’t take it.”
“I won’t
. This isn’t your fault. I hate the things they’ve done to you.”
“
Shh, no. That doesn’t matter. You can’t ever talk about my job to anybody. No outsiders, just me, Josh, and Monique. If you ever said one word about this to
anybody
else, if they even
thought
you were they would make me…please don’t ever do that. Don’t put me in that position again. Swear to me, Taylor.”
“Sebastian, I swear.”
“I love you.” He shuddered, burying his face into her neck as a heavy sob wracked him from the inside out.
“I love you, too.”
Seeing him, feeling the raw pain that ravaged him was shattering. Taylor clung to him, her own tears joining his as they rolled down her cheeks. She would have given anything in that moment just to make it stop. After a few minutes, it did, but he still clutched her tight, holding on as if she was a lone life preserver in the midst of a tumultuous storm. His hands soothed over her cheeks, drying her tears and caressing her skin in unspoken apology.
“I want to make you happy. That’s all that matters to me. I’ll do anything
to make you happy again. Please…tell me what to do.”