Julie was contrite. “I’m sorry Tanya. I didn’t mean it when I said I wished you were dead. I missed you, too, and worried about you. It’s just that I’ve come to love Jeffrey, and I was beginning to hope he would learn to care for me. Then you were found and I saw all my hopes and dreams going up in smoke. That is why I’ve been so hateful. I’m terribly jealous of you, you see,” she admitted.
“And you were taking your spite out on my children; two little boys who could not defend themselves?” Tanya reprimanded with a frown.
“Yes,” Julie whispered in humiliation, her fair complexion turning a bright red. “I’m sorry, Tanya, but I would have tried
anything
to make Jeffrey think less of you and turn to me. Hunter and Mark were handy, and I was desperate. I used them to try to get him to see that marriage to you would make him unhappy. I also took my anger and frustration out on them unfairly. It’s not that I dislike them, Tanya. Actually I think they’re rather sweet, and Hunter is quite handsome.”
“He takes after his father,” Tanya spoke around the lump in her throat.
“Am I forgiven?” Julie asked hesitantly. “Can we be sisters and friends again?”
Tears blurred Tanya’s vision. “Always,” she answered, reaching out to accept Julie’s outstretched hand. She sat Hunter on the floor and drew her sister into her arms.
For long minutes the two girls embraced and wept on each other’s shoulders.
“I missed you so much!” Julie confessed on a sob.
“I missed you too! I love you, Julie.”
“Don’t flood the rug, girls,” Aunt Elizabeth cut in on their private reunion, a broad grin on her face.
Both girls turned to face her, and found Elizabeth, Sarah, and Melissa all standing in the doorway. Sarah was staring in open astonishment at Tanya.
“Julie,” Elizabeth went on, “as often as you have aggravated me lately, today you have done wonders. I don’t know how you did it, and frankly I don’t care, my dear, but you’ve gotten your sister to speak English, and for that I thank you.”
“We heard you clear upstairs,” Melissa commented.
Finally able to speak, Sarah added reverently, “I’ve never heard a sound more beautiful than Tanya screaming at the top of her lungs in English.”
Tanya and Julie grinned at one another.
“I do believe this is the first time Mother has been glad to hear us arguing,” Julie laughed.
“And probably the last,” Tanya added.
That night at the supper table, Edward was in for a surprise. The women had conspired to keep Tanya’s decision to speak a secret until then.
Out of the blue, Tanya requested, “Would you pass the butter, please, Papa?”
Edward’s jaw dropped in amazement as he stared at his daughter. His hand suspended midway toward the butter dish, he stammered, “What …What did you say?”
Tanya smiled saucily. “Would you pass the butter, please, Papa?” Tanya repeated.
“I don’t believe it,” Edward said softly. “How? When? Why?”
“Who cares?” George laughed delightedly. “Just count your blessings Edward, and for heaven’s sake, pass the poor girl the butter!”
From that day on, bit by bit, Tanya started making concessions to her family’s way of living. One morning a few days later, she slept past her usual wake-up time, and Sarah went up to check on her. Upon peeking into the bedroom, rather than finding Tanya lying on her usual pallet on the floor, she discovered her daughter sound asleep in the soft bed. Her head was burrowed into the feather pillow and she was snuggled under several quilted comforters.
With a smile, Sarah tiptoed into the smaller adjacent room. There she found Mark gurgling in his cradle and Hunter sitting quietly on his cot playing with his toys. Picking up the baby and taking Hunter by the hand, she led them quietly past their sleeping mother, pulling the door shut behind her.
“Come on boys, let’s get you some breakfast,” she whispered. “We’ll let Mama sleep, shall we?”
Another major change came later in the week, when Sarah presented Tanya with a small pair of cloth trousers and a plaid flannel shirt for Hunter.
“Darling, I realized you wish to raise your sons in your own way, but you can hardly dress the boy in deerskin if it is unavailable to you at this point, and he has long since outgrown the things you arrived with,” she explained.
Tanya agreed. “Yes, I’ve noticed how uncomfortably tight his breeches are, and his shirtsleeves are nearer to his elbows than his wrists.”
“Then you don’t mind terribly that I’ve made these clothes for him? I thought he might like having an outfit like Jeremy wears, since he seems to admire him so.”
“It’s fine, Mother. Thank you for going to all the trouble. It’s something I should have done weeks ago, but my mind has been on the other things.”
Sarah sighed. “Tanya, dear, how long are you going to wait for him? It’s been months. If your — er — husband was coming for you, don’t you think he’d have done so by now?”
Tears sprang unbiden to Tanya’s eyes, and her chin came up proudly. “He’ll come, Mother,” she insisted. “He wouldn’t desert his wife and sons. Something has delayed him, but I will not give up hope. Panther will come for us. I just have to be patient.”
“Well, while you are waiting, couldn’t you consent to buying a few dresses for yourself?” Sarah suggested gently. “Your only two garments are stained and worn beyond repair and your uncle’s mercantile does not carry a selection of doeskin with which to make more.”
Tanya smiled at this. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt. If my son is to be clothed in the typical white manner, I guess I can too.”
“It would be more reasonable,” Sarah pointed out. “Besides, who knows how long you will have to wait for — uh — Panther. While we accept your right to direct your own life, it would be unfair to make Mark and Hunter bear the brunt of ignorant people’s prejudice around town just because you insist on raising them as Cheyenne. They need to fit in, Tanya, and not appear so different from the other children. I don’t mean to offend you, but do you understand what I am saying?”
Tanya nodded. “Yes, I do. It is good to know you are not ashamed of us, and I promise to cooperate a little more.”
So it was that Tanya found herself attired in lovely new gowns and soft matching slippers, but she adamantly refused to be laced into a stiff corset. Around the house, she still wore her headbands, though her hair, at shoulder length, was still too short to be plaited into respectable braids. When she went out on her solitary walks, she also wore her moccasins, but in public she dressed as the other women did, with one exception. Tanya refused to remove the engraved wristbands Panther had given her on her wedding day under any circumstances. These marked her as Panther’s wife as clearly as a wedding ring would have, and she would wear them forever, or until Panther asked her to remove them, a circumstance which Tanya could not imagine occurring.
Hunter preened himself in his new clothes, and Tanya was especially grateful that he was now toilet-trained. Of all people, his Grandpa Edward had taken over this chore, and Tanya hid a smile every time she saw the two of them headed for the outhouse, hand in hand.
Edward had also presented Hunter with a new pair of moccasins he had made himself. Though not as well-made as Tanya would have produced, they were sturdy and the correct size, and Tanya was moved to tears by the gesture.
“It is what he is used to,” Edward explained. “I can’t see my grandson cramming his feet into hard leather shoes or clumsy boots that might cause blisters and cramp his toes.”
February waned into March and stiff winds blustered down from the mountains, rattling windows and bringing the last lingering snows of the winter. Hunter’s second birthday was celebrated with much enthusiasm, but with sorrow on Tanya’s part as she thought of Panther’s absence this year.
The weather did not deter Jeffrey’s constant visits. The Martins could not understand how he could fail to see that he was not welcome.
Tanya had no compunctions where he was concerned. Now that she was once more speaking English, she readily told him in no uncertain terms how she felt about him. After her near-rape, at no time did she allow herself to be alone with him, and many times it was Julie who sat through his visits with her.
“I’m glad to see you are finally beginning to act normally, Tanya,” he commented, noting her new blue gown. “It will make things much easier when we announce our wedding date.”
Tanya’s tone was sharp as she answered him. “What must I do to convince you that I am
not
going to marry you, Jeffrey; now or ever? I already have a husband, and I certainly wouldn’t have any use for another!”
“I see you are still using that excuse, but it won’t hold up in court. Indian ceremonies are not considered legal by the United States government, my dear. Besides, if your alleged husband meant to claim you, wouldn’t he have done so by now? Face it, Tanya, the bastard has abandoned you; that, or left you a widow.”
Tanya ached to slap the sneer from his face. “Even if that were the case, Lieutenant, you are the last person in the world I would choose as a husband,” she grated.
“You were eager enough once before,” he pointed out.
“That was before I knew what kind of a person you really are,” she rebutted, “and before I knew what real love is.”
“You’ll change your tune soon enough when you see how few options you have. How many men do you suppose will want you now? You are soiled goods, darling.”
“If my choices are you and spinsterhood, I’ll choose the latter, thank you.”
“Come now, Tanya. Can you truly say that, knowing what it is to share your bed with a man?” Jeffrey’s voice was silky, insinuating. “A few more months and you’ll be begging me to take you, with or without marriage.”
Tanya laughed in his face. “Please Jeffrey, hold your breath until then, and we’ll make your funeral arrangements. You’ll be doing me a huge favor!”
“You really shouldn’t say things like that to me, my love. I might hold a grudge and make you pay for them later,” he warned softly.
“Fine!” she snapped.“Then add this to your list. Lieutenant Young, you may go straight, directly to hell and take your lustful twisted mind with you!”
Time and again he returned for more abuse. Sometimes he was calm; at others angry; but he always left frustrated, his ego in tatters, and always he was back again. Nothing Tanya said or did lessened his determination to have her in the end.
Julie could not understand why he persisted in the face of Tanya’s blatant rejections.
“I have to admit, Tanya, you are doing your best to get rid of him. Why does he persist in wanting someone who obviously has no use for him? Where is his pride?”
“In the same place as his brains, I suspect,” Tanya commented acidly, “and he’s evidently mislaid both!”
Julie gave a reluctant chuckle. “Surely he’ll give up soon, and perhaps then he’ll turn to me for comfort.”
Tanya frowned. “Julie, I’m not sure he’s right for you, or safe,” she added. “I want you to be happy and I don’t think Jeffrey is capable of giving you the joy or the gentleness you deserve. I worry that he’d mistreat you.”
“Oh, I don’t think he’d be that way if he came to love me,” Julie disagreed. “You must make him angry with your sharp tongue and your constant refusals.”
“I wonder if Jeffrey is capable of loving anyone but himself,” Tanya mused. “He’s terribly self-centered, has an awful temper — there are times I think he’s losing his mind. Only a crazy man would attempt to rape the woman he professes to love. Think about it carefully before you set your heart on him, Julie. I’d hate to see you hurt.”
March, having entered like a lion, made an attempt to exit like a lamb. Temperatures were milder, and there was a smell of spring in the air. The snow squalls were less frequent, less fierce, and melted sooner. Spring was finally gaining the upper hand as April brought the Easter season.
With the milder weather, the town came to life. Able to get out and about freely after the long, harsh winter, the women were like prisoners set free. They splurged on new dresses and bonnets and accepted any excuse to show them off. They shopped and visited, arranged teas and luncheons by the score. Social and church committees were in full swing after the winter hiatus.
Urged by her mother, Tanya accepted several invitations to afternoon functions, mostly to silence the gossip stimulated by Suellen’s vicious tongue. Still, she went only to the homes of close friends of her mother and aunt, and only in the company of her female relatives. Unwilling to expose her sons to inquisitive stares or catty comments, she rarely took them along.
If nothing else, by entering society, she proved to some of the curious townspeople that she was not an uncouth heathen. Her dress and manners were impeccable. Her speech was soft and genteel, and she was apt to curb indelicate questions and undue curiosity with a frosty demeanor. People soon came to know that while Tanya could be courteous and friendly, she would neither be looked down upon nor divulge information about her life with the Cheyenne.
The only place she could not be convinced to go was to church. Having accepted the Cheyenne religion, Tanya held to her vow to teach her sons the Cheyenne rituals. This she did faithfully, though she was now helping Hunter with his English. She could not see what harm it would do for her children to be bilingual. In fact, she thought it would benefit them in many situations.
As spring progressed, Tanya recalled other springs with Panther, and her heart grew even heavier with worry and longing. She thought lovingly of the first spring when Panther had captured her body and heart. Tears rolled slowly down her cheeks as she remembered her second spring and the birth of Hunter; and the look of pride and wonder on Panther’s face as he helped his firstborn son into the world. Last spring they had celebrated Hunter’s first birthday together, and Tanya had informed Panther of the advent of a second child.
Poignant memories filled her head and bruised her heart. Would she never again lie next to Panther and feel their hearts beat as one? Would she never hear his voice or see his smile? He had vowed that only death would keep them apart. Surely if he were dead, her heart would have told her. Her very soul cried out to him, “Panther, my love, where are you?”