Shutter: The Complete Series (17 page)

I’m just close enough to hear a small whimper resonate from her throat before it’s quickly cut off by his powerful growl. She timidly ducks her head, and my own breath stalls in my lungs as I watch him wrap his large hands around her dainty wrists and pull them behind her back. He jerks them downward showing her exactly where they belong. She doesn’t respond verbally, but as he releases her wrists she keeps them positioned exactly where he commanded. His lips caress the edge of her shoulder in a show of true reward for her obedience. My vision catches the faint sight of wetness as his tongue snakes out to twirl across her collarbone. I snap more photos just as chill bumps skate along the surface of her skin.

No matter how much I’ve lied to myself recently, I’ve missed invading such intimate moments while hiding behind my camera. The price that came with the act was too great to continue my obsession, but the hunger for the perfect shot that encompasses every longing of their primal desire was never far from my mind.

“Do you think you have what you need?” a voice whispers through the silence.

I nod in response.

“Sure?”

I nod once more.

“Okay, that’s a wrap,” Kiki calls out in her normal booming voice for the entire room can hear.

“You guys were fantastic,” I say as the man removes the lace blindfold covering the woman’s eyes. “Really, I got exactly what I needed.”

They turn and smile at me briefly before looking back at each other with the same level of intimacy they just displayed for my camera.

“Did you?” Kiki asks, not nearly as exuberant about the photo shoot as I am.

“I did, truly,” I reassure her. “Where did you find them? They were incredible.”

“I don’t know,” she shrugs. “Some BDSM club downtown.”

I cough on the water I was attempting to swallow. “You’re fucking kidding me?” I shriek, and she barks out a laugh.

“Lord, Brook, you’re so gullible. They came from the modeling agency, we told them we were doing a story on the popularity of kinky sex and they sent them. From the looks of things, I’d guess their little tease is going to end with a poke and tickle a little later.” Her knowing eyes grow wide and as she elbows me in the side with a click of her tongue.

“Right? They were fucking hot, weren’t they?”

She once again explodes into a laughing fit. “God, woman, I’m so glad I hired you. You keep my days filled with laughter.”

Kiki hired me on a trial basis as a freelance photographer for InTune right after news broke that all the charges against me had been dropped. At first I thought it was another trick set up by Niko, but Kiki had assured me her connection to Niko was done. She continues to reassure me on a daily basis because of my ever-present paranoia.

I had, after all, met her through him, so in my head they would always be connected. She’d completed her interview with him weeks ago, and the article for the magazine featuring him had been put off until after news of our scandal blew over. When the time comes to publish it, she plans to pass it down to an assistant editor instead of finishing it herself. She was positive, or so she told me, the public was already tired of hearing about Niko; therefore, she wasn’t planning on wasting her own precious time on it anymore. I was currently taking the “wait and see” approach on how I felt about it, and how much I should actually trust her.

It didn’t hurt that I currently had zero other potential job opportunities beyond photographing the plant life in Brock’s backyard, which he and Paul so eagerly reminded me, so I took the job.

This was my fifth shoot for the magazine in just the past two weeks, and so far, everything had gone smoothly. The story that went along with this shoot had the potential to put my work on the front cover, and I couldn’t deny the prospect made me giddy. I just had to ignore the obvious similarities of my current subject matter to what I’d once photographed with Niko. The only notable difference being there was no Niko, and more importantly, this job wasn’t illegal. Which is a win-win for me. I can’t think much about Niko these days without wanting to jump in my car and track him down. However, sometimes in that scenario, I was kissing him, while in others I was kicking him square in the gonads.

“So you’ll be in tomorrow for editing?” Kiki’s voice breaks me from my thoughts.

“Yes, I’ll be there,” I answer as I pack my gear.

As she passes by me, her hand lands on my shoulder. I look up to see an amused grin on her face. She doesn’t speak, she simply squeezes my shoulder, offers me another small smile, and turns to leave. Sometimes I have no idea what she’s thinking, but today I think she’s just happy I’m here – which I’ll take from a boss any day.

Before I drop my phone in my bag I send a quick text:

Will you be home tonight?

The past two weeks have been more normal than any other time I can remember in recent years – long before Niko, long before modeling, long before outside factors pulled at me to be something different than my heart truly desired. I finally feel at peace, for the most part anyway. My life is at a point where I don’t feel the weight of others expectations weighing me down. My own expectations, however, carry the weight of the world at times.

I have the support of the people that love me and accept me for who I am. Brock and Paul have been here for me since Niko revealed he’d been behind the largest mess of my life that played out in the public eye. I still had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. I’d spent so much time placing myself in the starring role of “dirt bag” that it was hard to share the spotlight with Niko.

A constant battle rages inside me seeking to place blame somewhere – anywhere. I’d take the responsibility myself, but knowing Niko is also at fault stops me. In sharing the guilt with him, I feel as though I owe him – and myself – forgiveness. Can I forgive him without forgiving myself? Do we both deserve forgiveness? I don’t even know that he wants it. My mind rattles through the events that led me to this place non-stop, all day, every day. No matter what I do, I can’t escape it. The lack of closure is driving me slowly insane.

The only time I don’t drive myself crazy trying to solve my riddle of despair is when I’m with Stephen. After Niko revealed his secrets, I ran to Stephen. Walked away from Niko, immediately to my car, and drove to Stephen’s. And I haven’t left since. That day I poured my heart out to him, every small, embarrassing detail. He didn’t judge me, he accepted my heartache and promised not to leave my side. He has been my rock, and considering that all my troubles stem from another guy, I think he’s valor deserves a medal.

Some nights I’m alone while he stays at his club, but I’m still too afraid to stay at my own house. Scared Niko will appear and demand something from me; even though part of me doubts he would, I know I’m not ready to give him anything, so I can’t bring myself to risk seeing him. My emotions are confusing enough in my head, and I know I won’t be able to explain them to him.

Things with Stephen have quickly progressed from staunch friendship to a more causal arrangement, where hugs and tiny kisses are exchanged comfortably. Neither of us has pushed for a label to be placed on our relationship, we’ve just accepted the comfort the other has offered.

But I can’t expect our relationship to stay the same without further declarations from both of us – whatever those declarations may be. I know he once loved me, and in my own way, I loved him in return, but I don’t feel those same feelings now…yet. I’m hopeful when the time comes, if the time comes, I’ll be prepared.

I don’t know what I want. Stephen, Niko...or neither.

When I finally arrive at Stephen’s, the house is empty, and I haven’t received an answer to my text message. Knowing if he plans to stay here tonight doesn’t necessarily have an effect on my plans, which only include sleeping, but after tonight’s photo shoot I feel the need to see him. I need his presence to calm the thoughts of Niko. Letting myself feel the rush of memories from a time when Niko completely consumed my mind is not something my heart can take.

Every addict deals with their compulsion in a different way. Some taper off their dependency little by little until the cravings are gone, while others go cold turkey cutting off all thoughts and need – I choose the latter approach. I was never a “half-in” kind of girl, I’m either completely consumed by an act, or I avoid it at all costs.

I only have a few items of clothing at Stephen’s, so I wrap myself in an oversized towel and pad to the back patio. I quickly slide into the bubbling hot tub, hoping the warmth of the water penetrating my skin will wash away the thoughts of Niko. Sinking down until the water flows just below my chin, I will it to caress my muscles into submission. My whole body needs to relax and loosen if I ever hope to find sleep tonight.

My head drifts back to rest on the edge of the tub, and my eyes close as the warmth spreads deep into my core. The scene on the backs of my eyelids isn’t the one I photographed tonight; instead, it’s the original scene. The one from Niko’s I unknowingly set up the photo shoot to be reminiscent of, and now I can’t stop seeing Niko in all his glory.

In my mind I watch his hands roam the bare back of a woman, trailing down until his fingers thread beneath her panties. I arch my back just as his fingers glide across where I know her most sensitive spot is, my nipples peak out from under the warm water and the cool breeze hardens them swiftly. My own hand roams down my stomach and slithers between my folds – down and up, circling around to send pleasure shooting through my body.

The vision switches to just Niko. His body hovering over mine as his dark eyes search my face for a hint of the pleasure he’s trying to give me. I know this won’t take long; I haven’t had an orgasm since the last one Niko gave me. My head hasn’t been in the mindset to enjoy even the thought I might deserve the satisfaction I’d get from it.

Right now, though, the gloomy state of my head and my heart is no match for the neediness between my legs. My finger rubs slow circles around my clit, coaxing it to swell. My legs spread wide, just like they’d be posed with Niko between them. It doesn’t take much beyond his image in my head and the touch of my hand to drive me close to climax. Just as I feel the sparks of my release shoot through my body, a loud thud sounds from inside the house. My legs slam closed, and I quickly lower myself down until the edge of the water once again covers all of me but my head. I listen intently, but all I hear is the pounding of my heart and my shallow breathing.

I crawl from the hot tub and quickly wrap my body then shuffle to the bathroom adjoining my room. My eyes continuously roam the house in search of what could have caused the sound, but I don’t allow myself to focus on it, or I’ll never be able to sleep. I shower quickly, thoughts of roaming the cavernous halls in search of Stephen toying with my mind. It would be my luck he came home after seeing my text and found me pleasuring myself in his hot tub— exactly what I need to deal with tonight.

Part of me wants to see him tonight, while the other far more practical side wants to hide from him. My emotions can’t be trusted with him tonight; the sense of safety I feel with him around and the continued neediness between my legs is the perfect recipe for mistake. Not letting that singular comfort control my decisions is a task I don’t think I can withstand.

When I finally pull back the covers on the bed and climb in, I’m exhausted, body and mind. So I do the only thing that I can – sulk into a restless sleep.

Not a single night has passed since I last saw Niko that I don’t dream about him. My head is on a constant film-roll playing out the short time I spent with him. I fall asleep with his image embedded on the backs of my eyelids and I always wake gasping for breath, yearning for him.

Tonight I fall asleep seeing his face cast in dark, sad shadows – my own mood reflected in his image. Tonight, more so than ever, I toss and turn while watching the same scene from the photo shoot with Niko in the starring role. His body wraps tightly around a blonde female as she wriggles and writhes in her enjoyment. In my mind I know I’m dreaming, I know I’m no longer perched outside his house, peering into his private life. I would never go back to that person; I’m working too hard to leave her behind, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t get the images to fade. Struggling, I tell myself to wake and leave the torment behind, but peace does not come at my own will.

I’m slowly pulled to consciousness by a soothing touch running along my cheek down to my collarbone. It stops just before breaking the barrier of the cami I wore to bed then trails back to my cheek. I don’t open my eyes; instead, I relish in the touch while I can.

“So beautiful,” Stephen whispers as his airy breath rushes over my skin.

My body shivers slightly with the chill trailing after his touch, and in response, his arm wraps around and tugs me closer. His short whiskers gently poke the flesh of my shoulder, and the thumping of his heart beats against my back. Before long, my breathing matches his, the subtle movements mingling together in a tranquil dance lulling me into a deep sleep. Just before my conscious falls away, the unmistakable murmur of an “I love you” assaults my ears.

Chapter 2

After last night, I can’t stop thinking about Stephen and what his feelings for me might be, which forces my mind to focus on my own feelings – or lack thereof. I’ve been justifying living at his house on my own selfish terms, but now I feel as though my presence has done nothing but lead him on. I care for him, I always have and suspect I always will, but I don’t know if I’m ready for where he may want this relationship to go. I know my heart isn’t ready. I’ve been letting the comfort he provides over shadow my better judgment, and losing Stephen all together because of my greediness isn’t something I’m willing to let happen.

I agreed days ago to have breakfast with Brock because he needed to speak with me, so no matter what the current battle is playing out in my head I have to push it to the back burner for now. I’ve been avoiding him, just like I’ve been avoiding everyone else. We’ve only spoken a few times since Niko’s confession in his kitchen, and even though he wasn’t physically present for all of it I know he heard every word. I would have listened from outside the room to his heated discussion, so I’d expect nothing less of my brother. It’s not nosey, spiteful spying, it’s more an instinct in sibling protection.