Shelter You (2 page)

Nurse Kelly’s plan went down exactly the way she said it would. The volunteer that came up to take Lily and I out to the car barely checked that our bracelets matched before she helped me into the wheelchair and took me down to the exit where the cab was waiting for me. Seth, the driver helped get Lily in the car seat and then got us the hell out of there as fast as he could. He took me to my house and after verifying that my parents weren’t there, I ran inside. After packing some more clothes, all of my important documents and some cash that I had stored in my desk, I took one last look at my childhood bedroom and left.

Seth quickly took me to the bank where I was able to liquidate my entire savings account, a little over ten thousand dollars that I had been saving ever since I could remember. Every single dollar I’d ever been given from birthday and Christmas presents and from working at the local ice cream shop every summer was now in my backpack. Seth thought it would be a good idea to take me to a bus station a couple towns over. I wasn’t about to let anyone find me now that I had come this far, so I hopped on the first available bus out of state heading to Savannah Georgia, and told myself that once I got there I could stop for the night and make a decision on where to go next.

I’ve been traveling for about five hours now. We stopped earlier in Jacksonville, Florida, for about an hour—giving me just enough time to hide in a large bathroom stall to feed Lily in private and grab a bite to eat for myself. I’m terrified that she might start crying and disturb the other passengers on the bus, but the continuous motion seems to help her sleep. I close my eyes and wonder how I’m going to make this work, how I’m going to be able to take care of Lily without any help. The truth behind my situation is daunting. How will I know what she needs, why she’s crying, how to get her on a sleeping and feeding schedule? Will I know what to do and how to take care of her when she gets sick? What will I do for childcare when I find a job? The thoughts overwhelm me but I try not to panic. I have to keep it together for Lily, because I have to believe that a life with me is better for her than any life she could have had without me.

It’s a little after ten at night when we finally arrive in Savannah. I gather Lily and my belongings and grab a taxi cab. I tell the driver to take us to the most affordable hotel in the area and a little while later he drops us off at an inn right on Bay Street. It’s much too dark to explore outdoors but from what I can tell, it’s gorgeous here, someplace I’d love to come back and visit one day. When I reach the front desk the clerk eyes me suspiciously as she checks me in but mercifully doesn’t ask me any questions. I pay for my room in cash, grab my room key, and hop on the elevator. I get to my room as quickly as I can.

I can’t help but to feel exposed when I’m out in the open, as if by some off chance someone might recognize me.

I change Lily’s diaper and put her in a pink one piece pajama, turn down the bed and crawl in with her. I lie on my side with her snuggled close and offer her my breast. Kelly showed me what to do that first night after my parents had left for the evening. I remember being grossed out initially but I wanted to be able to feed her even if it was only one time. To be able to give her even just a small piece of me was important, it felt right. I’m thankful that I did it now because given my limited resources nursing her seems to be the most cost effective way to keep her fed. It doesn’t take long for me to give into the exhaustion, my eyes start to get heavy and before I know it I’m asleep.

I was looking forward to at least taking in a few of the sites in Savannah but fear of being found or recognized kept me a virtual prisoner in my hotel room. We stayed for two days and then hopped the midnight bus to Richmond, Virginia. We stopped a few hours into the trip in North Carolina and then drove straight through the remainder of the night; thankfully Lily slept most of the way but I sat in the back of the bus and when she woke up for her feeding I was able to cover her up with a blanket and nurse her privately. It helped that almost everyone on the bus was asleep.

The hotel in Virginia is not quite as nice as the one in Georgia but it’s safe, clean and affordable. I allow myself to wander around Richmond a bit more than I did in Savannah, but I keep to myself and keep my head down most of the time. I find a small pharmacy near the hotel where I pick up diapers, baby wipes, infant Tylenol just in case of an unexpected emergency, a pair of scissors and two boxes of brown hair dye. If anyone is looking for Lily and me we’ll be a lot harder to recognize if I alter my appearance and making my hair darker seems like the easiest way.

“Well isn’t this a beautiful baby.” I look up and see an elderly woman standing behind me in the line to pay.

I instantly tense up, and go on alert. Maybe I’m paranoid. I mean, it’s only a little old lady but I can’t be too careful. I’m not sure if there’s anyone out there looking for me. I don’t know if the police were called, if the media was alerted, or if a reward was offered, but I certainly wouldn’t put anything past my parents.

“Thank you,” I respond quietly, never actually looking at her and hoping that she’ll just leave me alone.

“Is she yours dear?” She questions, just as the person ahead of me is done paying for his items. I ignore her and quickly move up, putting my things on the counter and paying for my purchases as fast as possible. I get the hell out of there and back to the hotel in record time.

Lily begins to cry and I know that she must be hungry because she’s just woken up so she can’t be sleepy and her diaper is dry.  I lie down in the king size bed with her and feed her until she falls asleep again. Strange as it may seem these moments with her calm me down, they give me the reassurance I need that running away was worth it. I’m beginning to feel more and more confident with her, like maybe I can do this, make this work with her and be a good mom. I think about the things I’ll have to give up, the things that I have already given up—my friends, enjoying my youth. I know I should be out doing the things that normal kids my age do, partying, dating, living the college life but all of those things were taken away from me and replaced with this life instead and the thing of it is, I’m okay with that. Yes, I’m young, inexperienced and I know that making the decision to keep Lily will never be the easy choice. But when it came down to it, when I was given the option, it was the only choice.

I look different as a brunette, I barely recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I feel better to a certain degree now that I’ve changed my hair, coloring and cutting it shoulder length, my long blond locks were always my signature look so it will take some getting used to for me but it’s what I need to do to keep my anonymity. After weighing out my options, I decided that I prefer traveling at night when there aren’t many people out and about. Lily and I left the hotel in Virginia and hopped on our next bus at three o’ clock in the morning driving through the night and stopping at eight the next morning in Baltimore Maryland. I decide to stop here for the night and let myself get some rest before catching my final bus into Pennsylvania. I’m not sure why I’m drawn there of all places, it was just a random choice plus it’s a big enough state that I can hopefully just blend into.

By the time Lily and I finally reach our final destination, a small Pennsylvania town about forty five minutes outside of New York City, I’m exhausted but grateful that we made it here without getting caught. It’s early fall and the colors of the trees here are stunning. I’ve never seen anything quite like it; the brilliant orange and red leaves fill the streets and it makes me glad that I chose this as the place for Lily and I to start our new lives together. I get us settled into a hotel and snuggle up close to her after feeding and changing her surprised at how connected I feel to her. Yes, she’s my daughter and instinctively there should be a bond there, but I was so prepared to let her go, give her up to make my life less complicated. Looking at her now, I know that she’s the kind of complication I wouldn’t trade for the world. No matter how unexpectedly she was created. I close my eyes and rest. I know that I’ll be up at least two times tonight to feed her and I need to be up early, I’m planning on beginning my search for an apartment first thing in the morning. Before long both Lily and I are fast asleep.

I don’t know why I thought that finding an apartment would be easy. We don’t need much room for now, a studio or a one bedroom apartment will work. I’ve been searching for days but the places I’ve seen within my budget dangle on the disgusting and unsafe side.

I’m running out of hope by the time I go to see the last apartment on my list. It’s on a busier street but the building is clean and well maintained. A tall and slender middle aged woman meets me out front. She looks at me as if though she’s surprised someone as young as me is here alone with a baby and looking for an apartment. I can tell she’s not judging me, I think she’s probably more concerned than anything else. She stares at me for a second with her kind eyes.

“Are you Kelly?” She questions.

I didn’t want to give anyone my real name in case my family really is looking for me. When I called to set up appointments I used the first name that popped into my head, Kelly, the name of the nurse who helped me get myself and Lily out of the hospital. “Yes, I’m Kelly. You must be Janet.”

She extends her hand and I reach out and take it. “Yes, I’m Janet.”

She shakes my hand and quickly releases it. “Thank you for meeting me today.”

“Of course. Come on in and I’ll show you the apartment.” She opens the front door and allows me to walk in ahead of her. “It’s just down the hall and to your left.”

When we reach the door she puts the key in the door, turning the knob but stopping just before she opens. “I’m sorry Kelly, I don’t mean to pry but what is a young girl like you doing looking for an apartment? Shouldn’t you be at home with your family?”

I know she means well but I’m not prepared to answer this question. I answer the best way I can on the spot and what I come up with is not a complete lie, just an altered version of the truth. “My family kicked me out when I got pregnant. I was staying with a friends family but it’s time for me to find a place of my own.”

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry to hear that. Forgive me for asking.” She pushes the door open and allows me to walk through.

“It’s alright. I understand what it must look like, an eighteen year old and a baby.” I give her a small smile and quickly walk away from her, moving to stand in the middle of a small living room. I look around at the bare white walls and though it’s small, it’s by far the nicest place I’ve seen. It’s sparsely furnished with a worn old blue couch and chair. 

“The bedroom is through that door over there,” she says pointing to my left. “It’s pretty spacious…big enough to fit a full size bed and a crib for the little one.”

I try not to read into it but her words give me hope. “Does that mean you’ll rent it to me?”

“We normally require a credit check but I’m assuming since you’re so young you haven’t built up much of a credit rating?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“And you have no furniture?”