Shelter (10 page)

“Okay,” he sulked, “bye Uncle Elias.”

“See ya around,” Elias tried to smile for Kobi’s benefit but the second he was gone, he couldn’t maintain it.

Anger bubbled up from within but instead of being angry with everyone else like usual, he was angry with himself.

“You okay?” he wiped away a tear when he heard Caden right behind him.

“How long have you been there?” he mumbled, not turning around.

“Long enough.”

They stood in silence for a couple of seconds and he felt the tickle of Caden’s lobster breath on the back of his neck. They were so close and silent as the busy crowd swallowed them up.

“You don’t have to try so hard to be the good guy,” Caden said.

Elias turned around, confused by what he meant, “What?”

“Seeing you with him, it’s clear you care for him. You don’t have to fake being a good guy because you are one.”

Elias only half understood what Caden was saying. Furrowing his brow, he bit into his piercing, wondering if he should still head back to his apartment alone. Looking around at the festival, he knew he didn’t want to spend any more time there.

“Do you want to come back to my place for coffee?” Elias sighed, “I have nothing better to do today and it turns out I don’t care that much for lobster.”

“Sure,” Caden smiled, “coffee sounds good, but can I make it this time?”

“What’s wrong with my coffee?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t sleep for three days after drinking it,” Caden winked with a playful smile, “I’ll get some nice cupcakes from the bakery too.”

Side by side, they broke through the crowd and headed towards Elias’ apartment. Watching Caden through the bakery window as he paid the guy behind the counter, he felt strangely motivated. Seeing Kobi was the assurance that he needed to know he was ready to change and he knew Caden was the person to help him through it.

***

“You’ve been cleaning,” Caden dumped the tray of cupcakes on the coffee table as he looked around at the apartment, “I’m impressed.”

There were mugs with left over coffee in the bottom of the sink but aside from that, he could tell that Elias had actually put in some effort to keep on top of things. It was a sign of progress and Caden felt a strange sense of satisfaction that he had helped him get there.

“I’ve got nothing else to do,” Elias headed to the refrigerator, “TV has lost its appeal.”

“You need to get a hobby.”

Caden watched as Elias opened the refrigerator. All of the beer bottles were still there, which was a good sign. He either hadn’t touched them or he had been out to buy more but from the look in Elias’ eyes, he looked pretty sober.

He watched as Elias reached inside, his hand hovering over the beer. Just when Caden thought he was about to pluck two out, he reached for two soda cans, tossing one towards him.

“Hobbies are for dorks,” Elias leaned across the counter while Caden hovered on the other side, “what would I do?”

“Are you artistic?”

“Do I look artistic?” he arched his dark brows, his tongue playing with the ring in his lip.

Whenever he did that, it made Caden’s stomach flutter but he decided to ignore it, forcing his eyes to make contact with Elias.

“Can you sing?”

“Can you?”

“No,” Caden laughed, “my hobby is writing.”

“How’s the book coming along?”

“It’s coming,” he lied, not wanting to admit that he hadn’t even opened his laptop since arriving in Havenmoore.

Half of the reason was because he was terrified to pick up his book, fearing that he had forgotten how to write. He knew if he didn’t try, he couldn’t fail, even if it meant his manuscript lay on his hard drive, tormenting him every time he looked at the laptop’s white shell. The other reason was because he was avoiding social media at all costs. He had deleted all of the social apps on his phone, wanting no connection to the life he had left behind in New York. He didn’t want to know about Suzie’s new haircut or Mindy’s new apartment with a great view and he especially didn’t want to know how quickly Finn was moving on without him. With his fingers firmly in his ears, he knew how hypocritical it was to attempt to help Elias move on with his life when he was looking toward his thirtieth birthday as the end of his life.

“What about reading? Do you like that?”

“I didn’t even read my high school books,” he sipped his soda, “that’s probably why I never got my diploma.”

“You didn’t?” Caden was shocked, “Why don’t you try and do that? There’s a night school at Havenmoore High helping adults who never got their diploma. That’d be great for you.”

Elias recoiled, disgusted at the idea. He didn’t instantly dismiss it because Caden could sense the cogs turning in the back of Elias’ mind.

“No thanks,” he shook his head with an awkward smile, “not my thing.”

“Think about it! It’ll help you get a job so you can stand on your own two feet. How are you keeping this roof over your head?”

“How do you think?” Elias walked around the counter and headed towards the couch, “Mommy is paying for everything.”

Caden followed him, confused as to why she would be doing that. He knew she had fixed up the apartment for him for when he got out of rehab, but everything his own mom had told him about the mayor seemed to conflict with the idea that she was helping Elias.

“Have you guys gotten closer?” Caden asked, sitting next to Elias.

“Ha! No,” he rolled his eyes, “this is her way of dealing with the situation. She thinks if she has me under her thumb, she’s got some control over what’s happening with my life.”

“Isn’t that motivation enough to get your diploma? You could get a job and pay your own way. Wouldn’t that be a good start?”

Elias stared dead ahead, his eyes glazing over slightly. He didn’t look as disgusted this time and Caden could definitely hear the cogs turning. He knew getting Elias into a program would give him something to focus on and that’s clearly what he needed.

“Maybe,” he mumbled reluctantly.

“I’m not saying you have to,” Caden nudged Elias with his shoulder, “think about it. I’ll make some calls to see what’s out there for you. There must be something you want to do with your life. Where do you see yourself in ten years?”

“I never saw myself making it this far alive, so I never got around to the whole ten year plan.”

“We’ll figure something out for you.”

Elias flicked to look at Caden for a second, his lips pursed. He seemed reluctant to let anybody interfere with his life like that but he knew that the lure to get out of his mother’s grip was something he clearly wanted.

“Thank you,” Elias mumbled as he played with the pull ring on the top of the soda can, “you could be hanging out with your own friends right now.”

“What friends?” Caden laughed, “They’re all back in New York and I don’t even know if they’re my friends anymore. They were his friends first. I’ve never really been good at making friends. I always seem to trust the wrong people. My mom said I was always too nice for my own good and I’m starting to think she’s right. I’ve let people take advantage of me one too many times.”

“That just shows you care about people,” Elias said, “that’s not a negative, man. That’s a good thing.”

“I guess,” he sighed, “but look where it got me.”

“It could be worse. You could be me.”

Elias winked playfully and they both laughed but deep down, Caden felt like he was in just as much of a mess as Elias. Life was happening all around him, passing him by. He was itching to do something, to start something new but the security and safety of hiding in Havenmoore was the only thing keeping him sane.

“At least I’ve made one friend,” Caden sipped his drink.

“Who’s that?”

“You,” he laughed, “I meant it earlier. I know I’m your support worker but that doesn’t mean I can’t be your friend too. I won’t be your support worker forever.”

“And you still want to be friends after that?”

“I’d like that,” Caden smiled.

Elias rolled his head on the couch, a soft smile on his face telling Caden that he would like it too. Caden thought back to the moment in his bedroom where he had been so sure that Elias was trying to kiss him. Caden had put it down to confusion or misplaced affection but as they looked into each other’s eyes, he felt like they were looking beyond the surface. There was so much pain and sadness in those dark eyes and he could feel his own pain reflected.

“Can I tell you something?” Elias whispered, his lips barely moving, “I’ve never told anyone before.”

He edged forward, his hot breath trembling on Caden’s face.

“What is it?” Caden swallowed hard, his eyes flicking between Elias’ lips and eyes.

“I – I’m – I-,” he stuttered.

Caden felt his own head moving closer to Elias. He didn’t know what was pulling him, but something was. It was so strong, it blurred all lines of reason and logic. Closing his eyes, he closed the gap and he felt the softest touch of Elias’ lips pushing against his.

It was magnetic and electric, forbidden but right. A voice in his head was telling him to stop what he was doing but the feeling in his gut was telling him to carry on. He felt his mouth open slowly, his breath trembling against Elias’ lips. A hand brushed up his thigh, squeezing his flesh tightly.

Pushing his face into Elias’, he let his tongue slowly move against Elias’. Something twitched below and Elias’ hand made its way deeper into the inside of his leg.

“What am I doing?” Caden whispered, almost to himself.

“It’s fine,” Elias whispered back.

Caden let the kiss continue for a couple of seconds but the spell broke instantly when he felt Elias’ fingers start to fiddle with the buttons on the front of his tight jeans.

“No,” Caden jumped up, “this is wrong. I’m sorry. I overstepped the line.”

“Wait, Caden,” Elias flopped against the couch, something solid snaking down the inside of his own jeans, “just -,”

“I should go,” Caden couldn’t look at Elias.

He grabbed his denim jacket, not bothering to put it on. Heading straight for the door, he turned back to see Elias standing, his hands behind his head and his tight white t-shirt floating above his naval, exposing the dark trail down to the elastic waistband of his underwear. Despite everything, he felt a raw attraction towards Elias and words couldn’t explain it. That’s why he knew he needed to go.

“Mom,” he pressed his cellphone into his ear, “I think there’s a problem. I’ve done something stupid.”

Elias spent the weekend tossing and turning, failing to sleep for more than a couple of hours. The kiss was weighing heavily on his mind and he had found himself propped up in the dark and staring at Caden’s cell number more than once. He wanted to call, to tell him to forget anything had happened but he didn’t want to forget it.

Elias didn’t know what to expect from a kiss. He had obviously seen people doing it and he had obviously kissed people before but never like that. Elias had never felt such passion and heat in such a short space of time. He had wanted it to last forever. When Caden ended things and ran out, he felt like he was left hanging.

Caden was his support worker so he didn’t know what he was expecting from him. He was the first person and the first man who had ever treated Elias like he was just a normal guy and he liked that. He liked feeling like just another person in the crowd and not somebody at the bottom of the pit.

After a weekend of pacing his apartment, Monday morning rolled around and he found himself cleaning up, awaiting Caden’s arrival. He felt like a fool as he quickly washed through the dirty dishes, as if hoping that Caden seeing how much he was trying would make everything better. He felt like a dog jumping for a toy.

There was a knock at the door and just from the knuckles rapping on the wood he knew there was something wrong. They were lighter and softer.
Maybe he thinks I’m asleep
?

“One minute,” he called down, wiping his soapy hands on an old t-shirt that had been tossed in front of the washing machine.

Pausing at the top of the stairs, he took a deep breath as he slowly closed his eyes, promising that he was going to open up to Caden. Maybe if he knew Elias was gay too it would fix things? Even if he just kept the promise of friendship, that would be enough for Elias. His eyes had been opened up to a whole new world and he wanted to explore more of it. He wanted to feel what it was like to really have somebody care about him; whether he was happy or not.

He opened the door and he saw the flame red hair but it wasn’t on top of Caden’s head. The hue was stronger and it belonged to a short woman in a white blouse and a pair of faded jeans.

“What?” he snapped, “What do you want?”

“Elias, isn’t it?” she smiled, “I’m Claire. I’m from Helping Hands Outreach.”

She tapped the badge on her chest and held out her hand with a warm smile but Elias ignored it. Poking his head over her shoulder, he shot up and down the alley to see if Caden was behind her. He was bitterly disappointed.

“Where’s Caden?”

“There’s been a change of plan,” her smile wobbled and it widened, “I’m your new support worker.”

In a stunned silence, he stepped to the side and let Claire squeeze past him so she could head upstairs. Her perfume was sweet and sickly and it turned his stomach. Slamming the door, he took the stairs two at a time and bolted into his apartment to see Claire already making herself comfortable on his couch as she opened a file on her knee.

“Let’s see,” she mumbled, “where are we at with you?”

“No, this isn’t right,” he laughed, “there must have been a mix up. Where’s my usual guy, Caden?”

She turned the files with a smile, her eyes trained on the paper but clearly not reading the words. Immediately, he knew there was something she wasn’t going to tell him.

“It’s quite normal for us to switch,” she patted on the couch next to him, “c’mon, sit. We’ve got a lot of stuff to get through.”

Elias did as he was told and he sat in the corner of the couch, as far away from Claire as he could. His mind was working a thousand miles a second as he tried to piece together what was going on.
Why isn’t he here?

“So, have you tried looking for a job yet?” she asked rather formally.

Immediately, he got the impression that things with Claire were going to be very different than they had with Caden. Half of the reason he had grown to like Caden was because he kept the official and formal stuff to a minimum. It felt like hanging out with a pal –
and look where that got you
.

“No,” he frowned, “I don’t understand. Where’s Caden?”

She half smiled and softly closed the file.

“Listen,” she sighed heavily, “sometimes there’s a compatibility issue. It’s nobody’s fault.”

“A ‘
compatibility issue
’? He quit?”

Her eyes narrowed, slightly confused, letting him know that she didn’t know about their brief kiss.

“We’ve swapped,” she said, “my son thought I could help you better. I have more experience and -,”

“Son?” he laughed, “Oh, this is brilliant.”

“Has something happened?”

“No,” he snapped, “let’s just get this over with.”

Claire started rattling through the paperwork but Elias tuned out. He felt used and tossed aside. Caden had been so full of promises to help, to get him on the right track but he had thrown him to the side like an old taco the second the heat turned up. He wasn’t mad that he wasn’t going to get help from Caden, he was mad that he had believed him.
I trusted him, I let my guard down to him and I never do that.

“I need the bathroom,” he jumped up and ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

Staring at his reflection in the mirror, he splashed cold water on his face and watched as it dripped into the sink below. The bags under his eyes had calmed and the whites of his eyes were actually white for once. Even his skin had some color.
I can’t let it just end like this
.

Frantically staring around the bathroom, he looked to the frosted window. Unlatching it, he yanked it open and stared down at the dark alley below. There was a fire escape for the bakery but it was too far to his right. He stared up at the sky, it’s cloudless and bright blue vibrancy shining down on him. Hitting his hands against the frame, he cried out, his screams echoing back at him.

“Everything okay in there?”

Elias looked down at the alley again. The dumpster was directly under his window on the other side of the alley. He knew if he got the angle right, he could land on top of it.
I’ve seen Spiderman, how hard can this be?
Climbing up onto the window ledge, he looked down at the alley below, knowing he could have a long way to fall if he misjudged it.

With a metal bang, he landed on the lid of the dumpster in a squat, his knees crying out.

“What are you doing?” the baker appeared in the doorway, “Get out of there before I call the police.”

“Call them,” Elias slid off the lid and onto the ground, dusting down his clothes.

Grabbing his cellphone, he pulled up the address Caden had texted him and headed across town, not giving a second glance to his apartment.

***

Caden told his brother more than he would have liked. Bruce smoked three cigarettes in quick succession, as he listened to Caden spill his secrets. He had started talking, not knowing what he was going to say but the second he mentioned the kiss, his tongue couldn't be silenced.

“Do you like this guy?” Bruce lit another cigarette, “Or is he just a rebound? It happens, y’know.”

“I wish I knew,” he wondered what effect one of his brother’s beloved cigarettes would have on him right now, “have I done the right thing?”

“Getting Mom to take over your job?”

Caden nodded and he could already see that Bruce thought he was a coward.
I feel like a coward
. He had toyed with all of the different scenarios in his mind of what could happen next but he could never escape that he was put in a position to help a vulnerable man and he knew he was taking advantage of him.
Is this what being with one guy for five years in New York does to a man?
Maybe it wasn't so unusual that Finn strayed.
That was with your best friend
. Was that any worse than what Caden had done?

“Did he push you off? Throw you out?”

Shaking his head, Caden wished that Elias had objected to the kiss. It would have made things easier for him. Elias’ lack of reaction and total submission only served as further confusion. Something self-pitying was about to leave his lips but a firm knock on the front door derailed his thoughts. Bruce stood but Caden hurried for the door, glad of the distraction.

When he saw Elias standing in his doorway, he wished he had let his brother take this one, “Elias, what are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” his voice was filled with venom.

Sensing confrontation, Caden slipped out of the house, closing the door. Bruce would understand. Dragging Elias around the side of the house, they stood awkwardly in the shade of his mother's small greenhouse.

“You shouldn't have come here,” Caden forced professionalism.

“You shouldn't have blown me off,” Elias’ voice rose, “sending your mom to clean up your leftovers?”

“You're not leftovers,” Caden knew that Elias didn't understand why he had to do what he had done, not that he expected him to;
I don't know what I've done
.

“I thought you wanted to help me,” a cold laugh left Elias’ throat as he pushed himself against the wood of the house.

Caden caught Bruce's reflection in the glass of the greenhouse as he peered through the kitchen drapes. He was sensitive enough to leave them to fix their own problems.

“That's why I can't work with you. I want to help you but I can't.”

“Why?” Elias demanded.

Because I want to kiss you again? Because I can't control myself? Because my life is a mess and I'm dragging you into it?

“I just can't.”

Shaking his head, Elias’ fingers combed through his black scruff as he stared up at the cloudless sky, “This always happens. I always get palmed off onto someone else.”

“It's not like that!”

“So, what's it like?” Elias turned to face Caden, his pale skin ghostly in the shadows, “Because I'm tired of trying to figure out where I keep going wrong in this mess you people call a life. I thought you said we could be friends.”

“We can, when you're better.”

“You don't think I'm better?”

“That’s not what I meant!”

Caden knew that Elias had been trying hard to stay clean and he felt like he had had some impact there but he knew how easy it was for addicts to slip back at the snap of a finger. There was no cure, just a constant battle.

“I'm not good for you.”

“People are always telling me what's not good for me,” he laughed a laugh so empty it made Caden’s hairs stand on end, “it'd be nice if I could decide that for myself.”

“I'm sorry,” Caden mumbled, “I should
never
have let myself get so close to you. Maybe we wouldn't have -,”

Stopping to read Elias’ expression, he couldn't tell what he thought of the kiss. Was Elias trying to ignore it for the sake of keeping the only friend he had ever made, or was it all he was thinking about?

“There's something I didn't tell you,” Elias lowered his eyes to the ground, “we're not so different.”

Puzzled, Caden turned and leaned against the greenhouse to face Elias. He caught his brother in the window, shaking his head at Caden as if to ask what was going on. Caden widened his eyes at his brother and he backed away from the window.

“What do you mean?”

“I'm like you,” he sighed heavily, “I just didn't know how to tell you.”

“Like me how?”

“Gay,” he snapped, “I'm gay too.”

Caden forced his body harder against the glass. He couldn't decide if he should be shocked or not. To look at Elias, he looked like any other guy, but he knew it wasn't that cut and dry any more.

“Okay,” Caden nodded.

It was Elias’ turn to look confused and Caden knew why. Elias probably thought his sexuality would magically change things but it didn't stop Caden feeling like he had abused his position. He wasn't a bad guy but he felt like one around Elias, and he hated that.

“When you kissed me, I-,”