Shattered Hearts ePub (11 page)

Nate wasn’t like that.  He had no agenda, no ulterior motives...he just wanted to take care of me.  Sometimes I had trouble believing he was real.  Until Nate, I’d been afraid to even let myself believe that chivalrous, honest, kind men like him really did exist.

“Come here,” he said, sitting down on a fallen tree trunk and holding out his arm.  When I sat next to him, he pulled me close and began to vigorously rub my arms, transferring his body heat to me.  It was a million times better than any warm blanket or hot bubble bath could ever be.  Nate’s hands felt good on my skin...very good.  I sighed contentedly and leaned against him.

“Is that better?” he murmured, his voice hoarse and gravelly.  “Are you warming up?”

My eyes shut and a faint smile on my lips, I nodded.

“You were wrong, you know,” he commented as we stared out at the water, his arm still around my shoulders.  “You’re a good dancer.  In fact, you’re the only woman I’ve ever actually
wanted
to dance with.”

“I used to dance with my little brothers when they were about four,” I confided dreamily, my eyes still closed.  I could feel every muscle in my body relaxing as a euphoric high overtook me; that was the effect Nate had on me.  “They’d stand on my feet, I’d hold their hands and we’d dance in the living room.  They loved it...they’d fight about who got to dance with me first.”

“I don’t blame them for that.  I’d fight to dance with you, too.  I bet they miss you.”  I felt Nate lean in closer – so close that his collar-length hair brushed against the side of my face.  “I’d miss you if you left.” 

There was a pause then as Nate waited for me to acknowledge what he’d just said.  The gravity of it hadn’t been lost on me.  He was letting me know he no longer viewed me as the enemy, a humiliating reminder that he wasn’t able to run the farm himself after all.  Instead, he wanted me there.  I knew it was my cue to say something, but words failed me. 

After a long moment of expectant silence, Nate spoke again.  “Don’t ever leave, okay?”

My heart was pounding.  I opened my eyes and looked up.  There were so many stars out – they lit up the entire sky like some sort of spectacular cosmic light show.  I tried to count them, hoping the momentary distraction would help ground me, help stave off the panic that had suddenly begun to flow through my veins, turning my blood to ice...

And then Nate lowered his lips to mine and kissed me.

The kiss was chaste and passionate all at once.  It wasn’t as though Nate plunged his tongue down my throat or anything, but I think the slow build up and secret lust I’d been harboring made the kiss seem that much more electric.  It’s like how that very first bite of chocolate is always more satisfying if you’ve been craving it for a while.  Fireworks went off inside me as our lips became acquainted for the very first time.

In reality the kiss probably only lasted a few seconds, but for me, everything slowed down.  Nate’s fingers brushed against my chin tenderly, tilting my head slightly to the side.  His kiss was forceful and sweet all at once.  It was exactly what I’d fantasized about...well, maybe my fantasies hadn’t stopped at just a kiss, but still, it was pretty great.

And yet the moment we broke apart, I jumped to my feet. 

Looking puzzled, Nate stood up too. 

“You don’t get to just...just
kiss
me!” I sputtered angrily, my voice shrill and indignant.  I could still feel his fingers brushing against my chin – and the sensation made me think of spiders crawling over my flesh.  Actually, it made me think of something far worse than creepy insects.  They made me think of my ex-boyfriend.

What had been so incredibly pleasant only seconds earlier now made me feel deeply uncomfortable – and horribly violated.  “You didn’t even ask if I wanted to be kissed!  Who the hell do you think you are?” 

The expression on Nate’s face was one of utter bewilderment.  Clearly my reaction wasn’t at all what he’d been expecting.  But his confusion quickly gave way to annoyance.  “You kissed me back,” he pointed out.  And he was right.  I had.

“Well you caught me off guard!” I retorted, holding my ground.

“Are you kidding me?  You wanted me to bring you to the river and then you asked me to dance with you.  I saw the way you were looking at me.  I’m sorry if I misunderstood but honestly, what else was I supposed to think?” he demanded, throwing his hands up in frustration. 

I
had
wanted him to kiss me, but that wasn’t the point.  I...well I wasn’t quite sure what the point was.  All I knew was I felt rattled and off balance.  My stomach was sick and I was trembling all over like a frightened animal. 

Nate took a step toward me.  “Amanda, look, if I –”

“Get away from me!” I shouted, jumping backwards so he couldn’t reach me.  Then I turned on my heel and ran back to the barn as though my very life was in danger.  But I didn’t go inside.  I couldn’t.  Instead I slipped into the shadows out back.  I sat there in the dirt all alone with my knees drawn to my chest, trying desperately to get my hands to stop shaking.

Nate didn’t come after me.  In fact, I didn’t see him again until it was time to leave...and it made for one excruciatingly awkward drive home.

I
tossed and turned all night.  But this time it wasn’t nightmares that were keeping me awake.  It was worse.  Every time I shut my eyes, all I could see was Nate standing in front of me down at the river.  All I could focus on was the confusion in his eyes.  It was awful.

My behavior had been completely irrational.  He hadn’t done anything wrong, and yet I’d punished him like he was a monster.  I’d punished him like he was my ex, saying the things I wished I’d been brave enough to say back then.  It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right.  I’d known that even as the words had been tumbling out of my mouth, and yet I hadn’t been able to stop myself from blurting them out.

It had to stop.

In the morning, I forced myself to face Nate at breakfast...except he wasn’t there.  Poor Maggie knew something was up and looked at me curiously as though she wanted to ask but knew better.  I didn’t offer any explanations.  Instead, I went outside in search of Nate. 

The night of the Spring Fling could have been perfect, except I’d ruined it with my paralyzing flashbacks and bursts of irrational anger.  I knew I owed Nate an apology.

I found him on the front porch with a newspaper.  An empty cereal bowl sat beside him.  It was obvious he was eating breakfast out there so as to avoid me.  I couldn’t say I blamed him.  He glanced up at me warily and I took a deep breath.  This was it.

“Can I sit down?” I asked tentatively.

He shrugged and looked back down at the newspaper, his jaw clenched.  He wasn’t reading it.  I could tell because his eyes weren’t moving over the words on the page.  He was simply staring at it so he didn’t have to look at me. 

With a sigh, I realized this wasn’t going to be easy.  I sat down in the chair next to his and waited for him to set the newspaper aside, but he didn’t.  Okay, so that was how it was going to be.  Fine, I’d brought it on myself, after all.  I could deal with his icy demeanor – I’d done it once before, right?

“About last night...I owe you an apology,” I began nervously.  I studied his ruggedly good looking features intently, hoping to catch some fleeting sign of affection – but he was a blank slate.  I wrung my hands anxiously and then confessed, “You were right, Nate.  I did want you to kiss me.”

“Then why did you flip out?”

I hesitated.  I was already feeling vulnerable and the last thing I wanted was to dredge up the past.  It would only make me feel worse.  And besides, I felt like choosing that moment to tell him about the abuse I’d endured would be manipulative and self-serving.  I didn’t want that.  “I guess I was just scared,” I said softly.

He looked up at me then.  “Okay.”

“Okay?” I scrunched up my nose in confusion.  I hadn’t been expecting it to be this easy.  It seemed too good to be true, so I proceeded with caution.  “Really, okay?” I pressed, wondering if my bad behavior actually could roll off Nate’s back so easily.  “So...we’re good?”

He shrugged again and then stood up, neatly folding his newspaper before setting it aside.  “I accept your apology,” he said, sounding rather stiff and formal.

I breathed a sigh of relief and climbed to my feet, moving to kiss him. 

Nate took a step back and held up a hand as though to hold me off.  “I accept your apology,” he repeated, “but Amanda, I can’t do this.” 

“You can’t do what?”

He bit his lip and looked away.  “I told you I’m a simple guy,” he said.  “I’m not interested in girls who play mind games.  You run hot and cold.  One minute you seem like you want me and the next it’s like you can’t stand me.  I don’t know what that’s about but I can’t do it. I
won’t
do it.  So from now on we work together and that’s it, okay?”

“You...you think I’m playing mind games with you?” I asked in disbelief, my heart sinking.  The accusation felt like a slap in the face and I didn’t quite know how to take it.  I certainly wasn’t trying to lead him on or be dramatic; it was something I simply couldn’t help.  Sometimes the darkness took right over and there was nothing I could do but wait for it to pass.

But Nate didn’t know that.

“I don’t know and it really doesn’t matter,” he told me firmly.  “Look, I have a lot of work to do today.  I should get at it before I lose any more daylight.”  With that, he left me standing there on the porch alone.  I watched as he walked away from me, my heart aching. 

The feelings I’d developed for Nate had started as a small spark, but bit by bit, they’d grown into a raging fire.  I couldn’t help but feel like my ex was still controlling my life even though I’d cut him out of it.  Thanks to him, I couldn’t even have a normal, healthy relationship with a good man.  After what that bastard had done to me, destroying my trust and shattering my sense of idealism, I was damaged goods.  It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to Nate.

More than anything, I wanted to make things right...but I didn’t know how to pick up the pieces.

“Y
ou’re so beautiful.” 

The words were whispered in the stillness of the night, dancing lightly through the cool evening air.  I put my hand out and it was immediately nuzzled, the target of unabashed, no-strings-attached affection. 

“But you’re not just beautiful.  You’re also strong.  You have no idea how special you are.”

Such tender words were ones I could only dream about hearing myself.  As I gazed into Penny’s eyes, I saw myself in her.  The white mare really wasn’t very wild at all anymore.  The fact that she didn’t shy away from eye contact may have not seemed significant to the common observer, but in my opinion it was nothing short of extraordinary.  Penny had come a long way.  Bit by bit she’d been tamed, responding to kindness, patience and love.  Maybe it was stupid but I found myself strangely envious of the progress she’d made.  I wished I’d accomplished what she had.

“I have scars too,” I told Penny as I fed her the apple I’d brought her.  I liked to treat her whenever I could, spoiling her with small gestures.  My finger traced lightly over the scar above her eye as I spoke and sadness washed over me.  “Most of my scars are hidden,” I confided.  “Some are under my clothes and others...well, others you can’t see at all.  But I know they’re there.  You probably understand that, don’t you sweetheart?”

Penny wasn’t interested in what I had to say.  She only wanted to eat the apple.  But lately I’d found myself confiding in her more and more, visiting her at night and seeking solace in her quiet acceptance of me.  Maggie had become a good friend but it wasn’t as though I could talk to her about my feelings for her brother.  And now that Nate would hardly even speak to or look at me, I felt very much alone.

At least I had Penny.

“I don’t know why some people are so cruel,” I sighed.  “I remember back when I thought my ex-boyfriend was a good guy.  My family certainly thought so.  They pushed me to be with him and for a while, everything seemed great.”

Penny cocked her head to the side almost as though she was listening.  So I continued talking.

“But then little by little, his true colors came out.  I think that’s how I got drawn in...at first he was charismatic and charming, saying and doing all the right things.  It was only later that the name calling started, and then the hitting...  And it was gradual.  It wasn’t as though he bent my finger back so far it broke on Day One.  No, he waited to do that...”

Suddenly I heard a noise behind me.  I spun around and saw Nate there, a carrot in his hand and an expression of absolute horror and dismay on his face.

“How long have you been standing there?” I gasped.

“Sorry, I just...”  Nate trailed off.  Then he cleared his throat and looked down at the carrot he held.  “I – I was just bringing Penny a treat but I see you’ve already done that.” 

“I...yeah,” I agreed, feeling flustered.  I reached out and took the carrot from Nate, broke the tip off and offered it to a very interested Penny, who immediately began to happily munch away.  “She’s getting awfully spoiled,” I commented, trying desperately to talk about something safe.  Maybe Nate hadn’t heard much of what I’d said.  I could hope, anyway.

But the expression on his face said otherwise. 

He took a tentative step closer and leaned against the wooden fence.  He watched Penny thoughtfully but it was evident his mind was elsewhere.  Finally, still staring straight ahead, he sadly asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“I heard what you said,” he told me.  “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but I heard.  I didn’t know you were in an abusive relationship.  That’s...that’s awful.  I don’t even know what to say.  I’m really sorry that happened to you, Amanda.”

I shrugged, trying to put on a brave front.  “What are you apologizing for?  It isn’t you fault.”

“You told me you were scared,” Nate recalled.  “You said that was why you got angry when I kissed you...I scared you.  I had no idea...”  His tone was deeply apologetic.  “I thought you were playing mind games, but I get it now.  You reacted the way you did because of your past, didn’t you?”