Shades of Obsession (4 page)

‘Stay away from
my marriage.’

‘I just need to
know…’ I feel sick at the thought of him with Natasha, of him taking her to the
places he took me.

‘I am sleeping
with my wife.’

‘Are you fucking
her though!
’
I scream. ‘What happens when
she
comes?’

He hangs up on
me.

I sit in the car
crying and I cry all the way home and it takes forever to put on my make up, to
manage normal, to head out for the school run.

‘Are you okay?’
Gina checks, when I don’t get out of my car.

‘Just tired.’

‘I’ll take the
boys…’ she offers. Gina’s got a seven seater so she does this quite a lot. ‘You
can pick them up later.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Of course,’ she
smiles. ‘It makes no difference, I’ve got Jordan coming over as well…’

‘Jordan?’

‘Natasha’s son.’
I look to the boy walking over to her, he looks like Natasha, he’s got red hair
and he’s smiley – nothing like Luke.

‘Dad says that’s
fine, he’ll pick me up at nine.’ Jordan says.

I look across
the car park and straight into the eyes of Luke.

My hand is
shaking as I start up the engine. I drive slowly, I have to and I feel my panic
building as his car pulls out behind mine.

Real panic, not just because Luke is behind me, but I recognize the
car.

It’s the one
I’ve seen every morning for a couple of weeks now, I’m sure.

A black car,
with a man in it, that sits with the engine idling.

He’s been
watching me since long before yesterday.

I look in my rear-view
mirror and his dark eyes look straight into mine but, as I tear them away, I
see that the car front of me has slowed and I have to slam on my breaks which
means so too does Luke.

There’s the
sound of horns and I sit there shaken as he gets out and strides over, just as
any angry parent might.

I wind down my
window.

‘Stupid bitch…’
he tells me and I stare ahead. ‘I could have slammed into the back of you…’ I
blink, I feel like crying, I know he’s cross with me for the phone call, I know
he’s just using this as an excuse to shout. ‘You could have been making dinner
tonight black and blue, you need to look where you’re fucking going….’

He gets back
into his car and I drive off.

I go home.

I make Rick’s
dinner.

I struggle to
eat.

I don’t want to
eat.

I want Luke.

I let myself
remember a bit, it’s something I dare not do around Rick, yet I can’t help
myself tonight.

I was eighteen
when we met and I knew nothing about boys, or men, or sex - my parents were so
strict and I was so shy around everyone.

They anxiously
hovered as I anxiously overachieved, but it was never good enough for them, it
was never enough and when school finished I knew I’d messed up my exams, knew
that my results would enrage them, that they would tell me I had ruined my
life, the life they had planned for me - I just wanted to end things because
there was no escape.

And then Luke
showed me escape and I loved it.

I would do anything
for him, anything he wanted, and that was what angered him sometimes.

I don’t
understand his anger; I don’t know why my pleasure displeased him so. He was,
he is, truly the most complicated man, but absolutely and completely I loved
him.

Then, when I
married Rick…. I look over to the table, I look at a man who’s mind I
do
know but despise, and all sex has
ever been with him is a disappointment.

I remember the
first time with him - I lay there after, just stunned that he thought it had
been good, that he thought what he had just done to me was enough, it wasn’t
even close,
it
simply didn’t rate. He didn’t
understand my
silence,
he thought I was maybe just
overwhelmed.

Underwhelmed.

Just, so, so
underwhelmed.

Rick insisted
that he was good
,
 
told
me how lucky I was - so much
so that, in the earlier days, when he was nicer to me, when he thought he was
the only person I had slept with, he used to go forever, trying to make me come
and I didn’t understand.

Luke used to get
cross when I came, I still don’t know why, but over and over, to Luke I did
come. I thought it was easy, natural
-
 
I
loved what he could make my
body do.

I couldn’t for
Rick.

I learnt to fake
it early on in our marriage - I learnt that it sped things up and got it over
with more quickly. Then, in quiet times, when I had time to myself, when I was
safely alone, I would come again easily – I would just think of Luke.

‘What time are
you picking up the boys?’ Rick asks as I scrape my full plate into the bin.

‘Nine.’

‘I can go if you
like.’ He’s not being helpful - he just likes the mothers to think that he is,
that he’s this wonderful
hands
on father and husband.

‘No, no…’ I
smile. ‘I want to catch up with Gina.’

I head out at
ten to nine.

I could have left
at ten past and I know that I’d have still seen him.

We both know
that this is no chance meeting.

He can’t stay
away either.

I climb out of
my car at the same time that he climbs out of his.

We walk up the
path together.

‘Yes.’ I tell
him. ‘I want you to take me there again.’

I don’t know
what will happen.

I just know
something will.

I go for a run
the next morning, but his car is not there. I run the circuit twice more and
still I don’t see him.

I gulp water and
I wait, I stand and I wait as morning breaks, because he
has
to be here, he has to want this as much as me.

I know he does.

But when there
is no sign of him, I have to head for home.

I walk in the
bedroom and Rick is awake and I learn that morning that there is something
about sex, something about an illicit affair, something about heightened arousal,
because he looks at me in
that
way.

We did it two
nights ago.

We’re down to
every one or two weeks.

‘How was your
jog?’

‘Good.’

‘You’re
sweating…’

‘I ran for a
bit…’ He has no idea of my past, no idea how addictive running can be for me;
he has no idea about me at all.

None.

He never has had.

‘Why don’t you
come back to bed for a bit….’ His hand is moving beneath the sheet, he never
asks things like that any more, I don’t understand why he suddenly is now, but,
then again, even if he doesn’t know it, everything has changed.

‘I’ve got to get
the boys up soon…’

I head to the
shower, I strip off, I rub the soap over my body, I slide it over my breasts, over
my stomach and then over my breasts again, and again. My nipples are hot and
hard beneath my palm and the tepid shower does not cool. I move the soap to the
heat between my legs and then I see the ensuite door slide open, I turn off the
taps before Rick even steps in.

‘Portia…’ he
blocks the shower door as I am getting out. ‘I was just going to join you.’

He’s never
joined me in the shower before; he’s never really pursued anything out of bed….

Why now?

Can he smell the
sex - the thoughts of Luke that cling to me? Is there a part of him alerted to
the sudden threat to his property – because to Rick, that is what I am,
his property, his perfect wife, the mother of his sons. Yes, he thinks that I
am his property and perhaps he senses the intrusion.

I believe that
it is as basic and as instinctive as that.

‘I’m in a rush.’

But I know
something
else,
I know that he must not suspect a
thing. I know that I must go along with this. I do not want Rick suspicious
-
 
he
must think
that any changes in me are due to him.

Because already there are changes.

My eyes are
glittering, my face is flushed,
my
body is alive again
after so many dormant years, yet as I look down at his prick I cannot stand the
thought of it inside me now.

‘Portia…’

He’s turned on
and I am not going to get away with this, so instead I look at him and smile, I
stroke him for a moment and then I drop to my knees.

I give the best
blow jobs
.

I was taught,
day by day I was taught, till I could take it in so deep, but I don’t think of
that as I do this, I don’t think of anything other than getting this over and
done with.

I don’t give
Rick my best.

He doesn’t need
it.

He’s not the one
with the real control.

In a minute he’s
moaning and I have the best throat for this, Luke made sure of it, so it’s
certainly not Rick’s prick that makes me gag as he finishes.

Not that he
would know.

He stands there
all dizzy
, with his eyes closed for a moment and then he
pats my head, like he’s telling me well done. As he steps to the shower I head
for the sink, I pick up my toothbrush and turn on the taps and I spit him out.

But,
that won’t be enough for Luke
,
I know that
.

I know how
jealous he can be, I know how possessive he is, and he will hate me with
another, he will forbid it, I am sure, except I can’t comply, I can’t.

My marriage has
to last for a few years yet.

Has to.

 
It nearly kills me to think of Luke with
Natasha, it makes me want to gag again to think that he might be with her now,
but it will kill Luke more than me.

I dress more
carefully than normal, and not just in case I see Luke at the school, I know my
husband so well, I know what I am doing - I am about to buy Luke and I some
time, and so I head downstairs.

I look over to
my sons as I make coffee, I will not ruin their world, I love them so much,
I
love them far more than me.

Rick’s all smiles
this morning.

I even get a
kiss and a pat on the bum as he heads off. ‘That skirts a bit tight…’ He says.

You’d think he’d
drive the boys, but no, he likes to get in early, he likes me to have jobs,
errands….

‘Rick…’

As he gets to
the door I stop him, he stands there and I walk up to him and I am doing this
for Luke, I tell myself, I am doing this for my sons, so that my marriage can
somehow survive, so that I can survive. ‘Thank you…’ I give him a smile, I give
him a kiss, ‘for this morning…’ and then I lower my eyes. ‘What you said before
- do you think I’m putting on weight?’

‘Maybe a
little.’

He thinks my
blush is one of embarrassment, he doesn’t know that I am burning with loathing.
‘I want to look nice for you.’ I tell him. ‘Rick, I know it’s expensive….’ he
really is the most tight-fisted man. ‘But I want to join the gym….’ I hear his
intake of
breath,
we’ve had this discussion several
times, just never after I sucked his prick.
 
It’s funny the things you learn. I
really am clueless, I know that, but I kiss him again and I tell him that I
felt embarrassed this morning, that I was worried that he thought I looked fat,
that I want to look nice for him, that I want there to be more mornings like
this one.

It’s that easy.

‘So long as you
go.’ He tells me. ‘I am not paying for a membership that you don’t use.’

Oh, I’ll be
using it.

I hope.

My eyes scan the
playground for him, but Luke’s not at the school drop off either.

I see Natasha
and she’s waves cheerily and comes over, she’s annoying – even if she
wasn’t Luke’s wife, I’d still find her annoying. She’s one of those head of
committee types, all fired up on school life, living through her son and, given
I’m the principal’s wife,
of
course she’ll want to be
in with me.

‘Portia!’ She
hasn’t a scrap of make up on, she has a sensible short
hair
cut
, she’s not very feminine. I don’t understand why Luke would marry
her, what on earth he sees in her, she’s all skinny legs and sharp elbows. He
likes feminine, he loved my curves - I will forever recall the agony in his
features when he saw me right at the end.

 
‘How are you, Portia?’

‘Very well,’ I
smile.

‘I wanted to
speak to you after the PTA, but you’d disappeared. Do you fancy a coffee?’

‘I haven’t got
time this morning…’ I look at her attire. ‘Are you off to the gym…?’

‘Yes,’ she nods,
‘I just joined. I told Luke it was the first thing I wanted to do when we moved
here… once Jordan was settled in of course.’

‘Of course.’ I
say. ‘Actually, I’ve been thinking of joining.’ I see her eyes light with
opportunity as she envisions herself jumping a few rungs up the social ladder.

‘You’d love it
Portia, you really would. Come along with me this morning
..
‘

‘I’m hardly
dressed to go to the gym.’

But she’s not
letting go of this opportunity. ‘Come and take a look around, meet the
trainers, I can introduce you.’

He’s told me to
stay away from his marriage and yet, here I am, walking around the gym with his
wife and collecting forms.

But I’m doing it
for good reasons, I tell myself, and I’ll tell him the same. I am not going to
fuck up our lives, our marriages.
 
If
anything, I’m trying to save them, because I cannot go on for sixty-nine
months. I know that now. I cannot go on, unless I have the delicious reprieve
of Luke.

I am home by
ten, and when the doorbell rings my heart jumps, but it’s only Gina dropping by
the minutes of last night’s meeting and I struggle to focus on our
conversation. I feel sick with anticipation, I am dizzy from not eating, but
the only hunger that I have is for Luke.