Sex & Sourdough (6 page)

Anders spun out of Joel’s arms. “You came all this way to take me home?”

“Of course. I’m not going to abandon you out here all by yourself. Baby, I wouldn’t ever do that to you.”

Anders chuckled, until he realized that Joel was serious. “Joel, I don’t want to go back to Florida. I just got here.”

“Are you serious? Anders, you’ve never even been camping. You’re not ready to spend three months on the Appalachian Trail alone.”

Anders looked around at the day hikers milling about, and the locals doing chores around the store. A dozen or so long-distance hikers were making use of the showers and coin-operated laundry. The Appalachian Trail might be out in the woods, but it wasn’t isolated. As far as Anders had been able to tell from reading Joel’s guidebook, the longest stretch between towns and stores was a seven-day trek known as the One Hundred Mile Wilderness and it wouldn’t take more than a week to cross, even if he went at a slow pace. Aside from that one isolated section, the trail was filled with hikers, and it was dotted with towns that catered to those hikers—he hadn’t been alone since he started hiking. He had managed just fine for the first three days, and while that wasn’t the same as managing the thousand miles he had planned originally, it was something.

“I’ve done okay so far,” Anders insisted. “I think I brought too much crap, but I’ll figure it out.”

“You’re serious? You’re really going to spend three months in the woods? You don’t want to spend the summer with me?”

Anders narrowed his eyes and glared at Joel. “That’s a bit unfair, isn’t it? I worked my ass off to finish my classes early so we could get started before the end of April. I put up with months of lectures from my father, gave up a paid internship in DC, and went into debt buying equipment to spend the summer with you. I traveled hundreds of miles and jumped into a hobby I’ve never tried before, because I was planning to spend the summer with you. I want to do this, Joel, even if you can’t do it with me. If I go back, I’m going to be stuck working with my dad all summer.”

“Anders, baby, we’ve talked about this. You can’t seriously expect me to put some hiking trip ahead of this chance.”

“This hiking trip was your idea. We spent six months planning it. You can’t say you didn’t know about it when you signed up for this class. And you never did tell me why. Why did you wait until the last minute? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m not going to put my life on hold to come play in the woods with you,” Joel snapped. “You think I’m always going to let my career take a backseat to whatever you want to do at the moment? Could you be any more selfish?”

“I didn’t ask you to stay,” Anders said, smiling quietly. “Start on your workshop project. Do the workshop. Get started on planning your master’s thesis. And give me a lift home in September.”

“You’re really going to leave me all alone?”

“I just want to keep hiking.” Anders had had more fun in the past three days than he’d had in the past three years, even when he was trudging through the rain. Anders relaxed as Joel smiled. He was relieved that Joel wasn’t yelling, although he knew that Joel’s mood could change in an instant.

Joel pouted. “Can I take you back to Blairsville with me tonight? Give me one night to try and talk you out of this nonsense?”

Anders stepped back. Normally, he’d jump at the chance to spend a few hours in a hotel room with Joel when he was in a good mood. But something in his smile made Anders’s stomach twist, and it wasn’t the pleasant anticipation of getting laid.

Anders knew if he went back to town with Joel, he would pester Anders about going back to Jacksonville. And when that didn’t work, Joel would explode, and finally he would fall back on threats. Anders could see the night playing out in his head, ending with Joel at the hotel door, announcing that if Anders didn’t come home with him, they were over. The rough sex that would follow after Anders gave in would leave Anders limping and nursing bruises for days.

That was how their arguments always went. When Joel couldn’t win with logic, he would shout. When Joel couldn’t win with shouting, he would turn violent. And when he couldn’t win with violence, he would threaten to leave or threaten to hurt himself. Anders was so afraid of losing him, so afraid of losing the only thing in his life that was really his, that he always gave in. Out here Joel had to watch his temper. In the middle of a parking lot filled with strangers, Joel wouldn’t dare raise his voice and make a scene, but if Anders left the trail with Joel, he knew he wouldn’t be coming back.

“I… I don’t think that’s such a good idea. I was planning on moving on in an hour or so. I stayed at the Blood Mountain shelter last night, so I’ve only gone a few miles today.”

“Our last night together for months? Anders, baby, I’m going insane after a few days without you….”

Anders stepped back, glancing around the crowded parking lot. “I really don’t want to lose the time. Finishing this has become important to me, just like getting into that master’s program is important to you. Thanks for coming to check on me, though.”

Joel closed his hand around Anders’s upper arm and held him tight. “Just a few hours, then? Come on down to town with me, and I’ll drop you back here after.”

“I said no, Joel.”

“In the car? I need you so bad, baby, I can’t stand it. Just the thought of spending three months without being able to fuck that sweet ass of yours makes me sick.” Joel yanked Anders close and ground his hard cock against Anders’s hip. “At least suck me off. You owe me that much.”

“I owe you?” Anders laughed. He ripped his arm out of Joel’s grip and stepped away, putting more distance between them. “How do you figure?”

“I came all this way, just for you!”

“No.” Anders shook his head slowly. “If you had come all this way for me, you’d have your backpack and you’d be coming with me. You came all this way for yourself.”

“That’s harsh, Anders.”

“But true. Go back to Florida, Joel.”

“God, you’re moody today. If you were a chick, I’d think you were on your period or something.”

Anders took another step back. One time in their entire relationship when he didn’t feel like having sex automatically made him a drama queen? But he knew Joel wasn’t angry about not getting laid. He was angry because Anders wasn’t giving him a chance to shout at him in private. Not only was Anders not going to let him win, this time he wasn’t going to play at all. “Go home.”

“Anders, listen to what you’re saying. We’ve been together for nearly three years! Do you really want to throw away our entire relationship because I couldn’t rearrange my life to take you on your first backpacking trip?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Don’t give me that shit! I know exactly what you meant! You want a boyfriend who’s willing to drop everything to come at your beck and call! Do you really expect me to give up my chance at grad school just to keep you? How can you be so arrogant?”

Anders’s first instinct was to apologize, like he always did, and to try to smooth things over. And he knew exactly what would happen after he did. Joel would get more angry still, would move from threats to insults, and Anders would break. He always did. He always promised that things would change. He always begged Joel for a chance to make it up to him.

Anders glanced back at the store, where his pack was still sitting untouched on the patio. Kevin knelt over his own pack, just a few feet away, watching them rather than replenishing his food bag. The sympathy and concern in his eyes was just as prominent as the insulted anger that Anders had seen there when they spoke last.

“Wow.” Anders laughed miserably. He had gotten so used to dealing with Joel, to tiptoeing around the other man’s temper and dancing around his manipulation that he had responded to Kevin the same way—bracing for an attack and trying to stay one step ahead of the belittling guilt trips at the same time. How had he ever come to think of this as normal?

“Oh, so now you’re going to get all whiny on me too?”

“No.” Anders laughed again. “I think you’re right.”

“Of course I am, you moron. Get your pack and let’s go.”

“Did you know it rained for the last two days?”

“What? Why the fuck would I care if it rained?”

“Give me a minute, there’s a point. It rained for two days straight. I got soaked. I was half-frozen. This crap all over me isn’t dust, it’s dried mud. I can only imagine what I must smell like. And, you know, I’ve smiled more through two days of hiking in the mud and rain than I have in the past year. I want to go hiking. And I think that you should find somebody who can be the boyfriend you need.”

Joel cocked his head to the side and stared at him, the anger in his eyes hitting Anders like a physical force. “Now you are really overreacting. You’re the one who’s acting like a bitch. You’re the one who expects the world to bend over and give you everything! If you can’t get past your pathetic little rich boy sense of entitlement, then fine. See how long you last out here without me. But when you break down and you decide you need me, don’t expect me to come rushing back to rescue you.”

Anders almost laughed at him. He would have laughed, if he hadn’t been determined to stay calm. They both knew any threat Joel made to abandon him on the Appalachian Trail was about as frightening as threatening to strand him at the mall. He could hitchhike to a town and catch a bus to a major airport without putting too big of a dent in his savings. If he ran out of money, Anders’s father could wire him cash anywhere in the world, although the man would likely just hire someone to come get him. There would be weeks of lectures about responsibility if he did call home, but he would never be stuck. Anders smiled. “Okay, then.”

He didn’t want to say anything that would turn this into an emotional mess. He knew that was coming—he could feel the sinking feeling in his stomach and tightness in the back of his throat—but he wasn’t going to back down now.

Not with Kevin watching.

Anders took a deep breath and thought about the marshmallow-shaped powder-blue coat. Kevin had been right four days ago. Moving forward really was just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. Anders took one step back toward the patio, and then another. “I’ll see you around,” he called back, forcing his face into a bright smile.

He could feel Joel’s glare following him as he hoisted his pack, clipped the waist belt and sternum strap, adjusted the tension straps on the shoulder harness, and turned toward the far side of the building. At the end of the store, the original stone structure was still intact and used, and it was built right over the Appalachia Trail itself, making a tunnel nearly fifteen feet long. A white rectangular blaze had been painted, over and over again, on the right side of the tunnel.

This time, Anders didn’t hesitate. He kept taking one step after another until the bustle of the outfitter and store faded from earshot and the trail curved down, taking him away from Mountain Crossings and away from Joel. With each step, he felt lighter, like a kid who had just escaped from a dreaded punishment. He listened to the birdsong as he walked, smiled and said hello to hikers he passed on the trail, and marveled when the tightness in his chest that came every time he thought about losing Joel had evaporated instead of cinching tight until he couldn’t breathe.

For the past two and a half years, every time he thought about Joel leaving him, he had panicked. He was used to feeling like he was just a puppet playing the part his father assigned to him in life. Being with Joel made him feel like he was still whole, still a real person. He’d become terrified that without Joel, there would be nothing left of him. Joel was always the first to point out that Anders would be nothing without him, and when they were together, Anders believed him.

He knew his father had been waiting for them to break up, waiting for Anders to get being gay out of his system, so he could set Anders up with the daughter of one of his partners. So long as he was in a relationship, he had a shield against the endless hints that he just hadn’t found the right girl yet. Anders had known he was gay since he was ten, but his father had always treated his homosexuality like it was just some juvenile act of rebellion, something to be ignored, like a teenage temper tantrum he would grow out of eventually.

But there was more to the panic and fear than just being alone or having to deal with his father. Out here—without Joel’s endless cycle of compliments, affection, insults, and threats—the panic just wasn’t there. It didn’t matter if he was nothing but another photocopy of his father or if he and Joel were together or not. The entire world stretched out before him and he had three and a half months of freedom. For the first time in his life, he was on his own, and he was just fine with that.

This hike might not be what he had planned, but he was determined to enjoy it.

It wasn’t until the sun began to set and Anders passed a few campers setting up tents far from the trail that he thought about stopping. He didn’t want to have to set up his campsite or make dinner in the dark. He turned off the trail and found a small clear spot a decent way away from the other campers, but still in view of the main trail, and began to set up his tent. Once that was done, he pulled out his stove, food bag, and cooking set. He stared at them. He had a decent idea of how to use the stove, even though the fuel canister still had the plastic seal wrapped around the neck. He had a lightweight titanium cook set, utensils, and even a bandana—although he hadn’t known what he’d need it for when he bought it.

What he didn’t have was food.

“Oh, shit….” Anders had left the store at Mountain Crossings before he even bought more packets of freeze-dried mush. He hadn’t bought basic supplies. He hadn’t checked his gear or dried out his tent. He hadn’t even refilled his water bottles. He also hadn’t bought a map and guidebook of his own, so he had no way to find water or the next shelter. He had no way to know how far he was from the next road or town. He had been so desperate to get away from Joel, so eager to prove him wrong, that he had walked away from Mountain Crossings completely unprepared.