Sex and the Single Vampire (34 page)

“She’s lying—”

“Attraction? Like what, a haunted house or something? A spectral Disneyland? That’s it, isn’t it, you guys are capturing spirits and Dark Ones and who knows what else to turn them into a paranormal zoo?”

“She does not lie,” Asmodeus said to Eduardo, then turned in a dismissal as clear as any I’ve seen.

“But you can’t know—”

“I know!”

I stepped back, ostensibly out of fear of Asmodeus, as he turned to address Eduardo, but really just so I could
bump into Christian. I touched my fingers to his hand. Instantly Asmodeus’s head snapped around to look at us.

I swallowed back a lump of pain as I looked into Christian’s eyes. “I’m sorry; it’s just not working out like you said it would. You were right when you said I could exist without you. I’ll see you around.” I tossed a glance toward Asmodeus. “Maybe.”

Without waiting to see if he believed me or not, I walked out of the room. Eduardo sputtered a protest, but was quickly silenced. Evidently Asmodeus had a tight grip on him as well as Christian, because the ward made no protest when I pushed my way through it into the gray light of a rainy London morning.

“Right,” I said to myself as I waved down a black taxi, refusing to think of what Christian would go through before I could return with help. “First things first …”

The taxi that pulled up maneuvered straight into a puddle next to the road, spraying me from the waist down with icy, muddy water.

“Sorry,” the driver said as he reached behind himself and opened the door. I looked from the water running in rivulets down my legs to the gray, sodden sky above.

“It’s useless,” I told the sun as it tried in vain to pierce the dense cloud cover. “Don’t waste your time battling fate. I’m doomed to be wet and miserable until I get Christian back.”

“Welcome to England,” the cabby said. I sighed and got in the cab, ignoring the pain in my leg and the sense of fatigue that threatened to pound me into a fetal ball of misery.

“Where you off to, then?” the cabby asked conversationally.

I gave him Christian’s address, then couldn’t help but ask, “I don’t suppose you know how to defeat a demon lord?”

He pursed his lips in a soundless whistle as I met his glance in the rearview mirror. “Can’t say as I do.”

I nodded and squelched my way back in the seat, wondering vaguely how the water had managed to soak the back of me as well as the front. “It’s no matter. I think I know someone who does. I just hope she can fit me in between destroying the demon and interviewing werewolves.”

The ride to Christian’s house was accomplished in record time.

“Do you know that there is a Dark One upstairs lying on a really big bed?” Noelle asked as she came down Christian’s front stairs. I peeled off my wet coat and sniffed. Only the faintest smell of smoke—both demon and wood—lingered.

I almost smiled, so happy was I to see Noelle. She was such a nice, normal woman in a world that seemed oddly shy of normalcy. “Yes, his name is Sebastian. I hope you didn’t wake him; he’s been very ill.”

“I didn’t go into the room, just peeked in when I was checking for imps.”

Well, she was
almost
normal.

“Good.” I set down my bag, well away from the lake of water that was forming at my feet. “I take it we’re impfree?”

She nodded, her fingers tracing the carving on the side of the banister. “Yes, but there’s a very confused mouse in the pantry. It was sharing its home with an imp.”

“Ah. Well, as I don’t know the name of any good mice therapists, I guess it’ll just have to work things out on its own. Would you mind coming into the study for a couple of minutes? I have a little proposition I’d like to make.”

“Sexual or professional?”

I stopped midway up the stairs. “Do I look like I’m about to make a sexual advance?”

She let her gaze wander from my sodden feet, up to my jeans, with mud and water splashed up to my waist, up farther to my damp sweater that had been pulled out of
shape when I stuffed the doll under it, finally coming to my face. I had a feeling the long hours with no sleep, not to mention the battle to save Sebastian, and the wear and tear on my nerves at seeing Christian willingly submit to Asmodeus had left my eyes a bit bloodshot. My eyes are not attractive at their best, but bloodshot and tired …

Noelle shuddered delicately.

“That bad, eh?”

She gave me a small smile. “I’m sure you’ve seen better days.”

I turned and trudged damply up the stairs, ignoring the pain in my leg just as I always did, suddenly feeling the weight of the world bearing down on me. Life seemed so intolerable without Christian. I knew just how impossible it was going to be for me to live without him. Either we managed a life together, or …

“I’m not going down without taking a few of them with me,” I said in a growl as I pushed open the door to Christian’s study. Esme bustled toward me, Honoria leaping up and following quickly behind.

“Oh, Allie, I’m so relieved to see you! Poor Honoria was beside herself with worry—well, we both were, naturally, but I see you’ve brought a friend with you. Hello, I’m Esme Cartwright. You must be that nice Guardian who’s taken care of the demon and imps. Allie, why are you so damp?”

“I didn’t know we had imps,” I protested as I collapsed with a wet noise into Christian’s chair. “Esme, Honoria, this is Noelle. She is indeed the Guardian Christian called. I take it you finished with Sarra?”

Noelle nodded and took the seat opposite the desk, smiling at Honoria. “That’s a very pretty doll. Does it have a name?”

Honoria scooted behind Esme until just the tips of her soft brown curls peeked out from behind Esme’s bathrobe. “Bettina.”

“That’s a nice name as well. Is Allie going to Release you and Bettina?”

I sighed and slumped over the desk until my forehead was resting on my arms. Water rolled off my hair and puddled around my wrists.

“She couldn’t do it,” the little ghost had the nerve to snap. She came around from behind Esme and pointed at me, stomping a petulant booted foot. “She said she would, but she didn’t, because she’s too stupid to know how to do it properly.”

“Now, Honoria, a lady never speaks to an elder that way.”

I glared at Esme over the top of my arms. She hurriedly added, “Especially one who has tried so hard to help you, as Allie has.”

“I don’t care, I think she’s stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” Her little-girl voice rose up into a screech that seemed to pierce the tender flesh of my brain. I narrowed my eyes at her.

“A return to Guarda and her little games can be arranged, you know.”

Honoria threw herself against Esme and bawled.

Wearily I pushed my wet hair off my face. “I suppose you should meet the whole gang. Antonio, Jem, Alis, Mr. Woogums, I Summon you.”

All four popped into the room.

“Mi
corazón!
You ‘ave Summoned me to your side again! My ‘eart, it beats only for …’Ello. What so charming red curls you ‘ave, my lady.” Antonio made a deep court bow.

“Ornh! Ah aghn ahnnh ahah ahah ahah arnuah!”

Jem was wearing a blue-and-red skintight spandex outfit, blue boots with gold flames licking up the sides, and a blue black and-red mask fitting tightly over his head.

I grimaced. “Don’t tell me, you’ve been watching one of those wrestling shows?”

“Aaaangh.”

“Tongue still missing?” I asked Antonio.

He quickly dragged his eyes from Noelle and blew me a kiss. “Alas, I fear it is so, my little water sprite. We ‘ave looked ‘igh and low for it, but the tongue, it is ‘iding. We cannot find it. And who might this beauteous lady be?”

“Are you Mr. Woogums?” Noelle asked him.

He looked appalled. Quickly I made the necessary introductions. Noelle turned her bright, interested eyes from Antonio’s leer to Esme comforting Honoria.

“I used to look like you,” I told her, suddenly feeling a bit tetchy and peevish. “I used to be professional-looking, and on top of everything and with it and all that. Nothing rattled me. Well, not much. I had a plan, a life plan. I knew where I was going, and how I was going to get there. Now look what I’ve turned into.” I sat back and the leather protested with a rude, wet sucking noise. “I fell in love. This is what happens when you fall in love. You end up wet, with a houseful of ghosts, and a man who thinks he’s responsible for everyone’s happiness but his own. Taking it all into consideration, I highly advise you against falling in love with anyone, mortal or not.”

She grinned at me. I sighed. She was too cute; some guy was bound to snatch her up and make her wet and miserable, too. “Esme, would you show Alis to the ceramic room? Her screaming is making my head pound. Then perhaps you all could watch some TV quietly. I need to talk to Noelle about rescuing Christian.”

“Rescue? Why would you wish to rescue that dead one? I for one am enjoying ‘is absence.”

I batted Antonio away from where he’d perched on the edge of the desk.

“Ooh, a rescue! Mr. Woogums and I dearly love a good rescue. What can we do to help?”

“Nothing,” I said, too tired even to collapse and fall into a stupor. “There’s nothing you can do. You’re just ghosts.”

“We may be ghosts, but we are extremely ‘andsome and dashing ghosts,” Antonio said as he strutted through the middle of the desk, twanging his codpiece suggestively at Noelle.

“That’s right, I’m sure we can do something to help dear Christian.” Esme nodded.

“Ahng wahaaaaaan,” Jem added.

“I’ve never rescued a Dark One before,” Noelle said slowly, a little frown appearing between her eyebrows. She even frowned cute. “I’m not absolutely certain that it’s in my job description.”

I stared at her.

“That was a joke.”

“Oh. Ha, ha, ha.”

“And I hate to contradict you, but if you’re serious about rescuing this boyfriend of yours, your friends here might be very helpful indeed.”

“There, you see? Even the nice Guardian says we could be of help!” Esme crowed. “I’m sure I’d have no problem overcoming a fiend or two, and Mr. Woogums would be happy to bite someone if only I can teach him how to focus his energy properly.”

“I shall bring my rapier. I am most dashing with my rapier,” Antonio told Noelle. He demonstrated with a few moves that would have left her without the ability to bear children had the rapier been made up of anything other than air and psychic energy.

Jem adopted a crouched wrestling pose and cracked his knuckles. “Eee oong anh.”

“We shall all be able to help,” Esme said with great satisfaction as she drifted toward the door. “I’ll just fetch
Alis back. I’m sure she’ll be delighted to pretend the bad people are made of ceramic and yell at them.”

I pounded my forehead gently on the desk.

“You know, they have a point. You might not think they can be of help, but just their appearance can give you a few seconds of diversion.”

I stopped pounding long enough to look at Noelle. “I haven’t told you what I’m up against. It’s not just a few Summoners and the odd triumvirate or two. I have to get Christian away from Asmodeus, the demon lord, the demon master who I am fairly certain turned Christian’s father and thus has some sort of connection to Christian.”

Noelle frowned. “Oh. I’d forgotten you’d mentioned Asmodeus. That is a bit of a sticky wicket.”

“How sticky a wicket is it?” I asked as Esme ushered Alis into the room, shushing her and whispering in her ear.

“Well …”

I sighed. I didn’t have time or the energy to cope with much more. “Let me put it to you this way—do you know if it’s possible to defeat a demon lord?”

She nodded. “You can defeat anything, if you go about it properly.”

Well, that was hopeful. Kind of.

“Okay, next question: Do you know
how
to defeat a demon lord?”

She shook her head.

“Do you know someone who does?”

She shook her head again.

I started to get a bit desperate. I knew that because I had the overwhelming urge to giggle. I must have been more tired than I thought, because a couple of giggles slipped out as I asked, “Have you ever heard of anyone defeating a demon lord?”

She smiled as my giggling grew stronger. “No, I haven’t.”

I gave it up and just sat back in the chair and howled, wiping tears from my already damp face as I laughed the laugh of the mentally and physically exhausted. Esme hovered with a worried look on her face, Honoria snickered, Jem demonstrated his prowess by wrestling a chair to the ground, Alis (restrained by Esme’s warning) honed her ancient-crone glare until it could split stone, and Antonio seated himself on the arm of Noelle’s chair and proceeded to ask very personal questions about her preferences in men. By the time he got to whether or not her sexual partners had to be technically alive, I had managed to gather the few wits remaining to me and arranged them in a formation where I could think again.

Esme had detached herself from Honoria long enough to pat me on my right shoulder. “Overtired, poor child.”

My arm went numb.

“Perhaps you’d better tell me everything from the beginning,” Noelle said, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees despite the fact that Antonio was not very subtly peering down her blouse.

I thought about the strength I’d need to tell her everything, decided on an abbreviated version, and quickly hit the high points of the last few days, intimacies with Christian excluded.

She chewed on a fingernail. “Hmm. Very sticky. This triumvirate you mentioned is clearly being fed by Asmodeus. That might work to your benefit.”

I rubbed my aching forehead and tried to follow her thoughts. “You mean that feeding them would weaken him? I can see that, but what good is a weakened Asmodeus going to do me when I have the triumvirate breathing down my neck? I barely managed to get Sebastian out without bringing the house down around our ears, and that, I’m positive, is only because Christian was distracting
Asmodeus enough that he couldn’t throw his power into the triumvirate.”

She sat back, apologizing as her arm slid through Antonio’s thigh. “Asmodeus is by far the more powerful of the two entities.”